• Member Since 19th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen July 3rd

Pentrath


E

The portals open and the 3 journals have been found. What adventures await Dipper Mable and Soos when the find themselves changed in to colourful horse as well as teleported to a whole world full of the same colourful horses? Also what connection does Bill Cipher have with the Lord of Chaos?

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 26 )

'BOUT DAMN TIME SOMEONE MADE A STORY LIKE THIS.

‘’This hold town is full of idiots’

Whole* :scootangel:

3642285
Thanks for the heads up, I fixed it.

I would watch your tenses. You switch from past to present.

Also when someone says "o", it is "Oh". Just to let you know.

Otherwise, good story.

3642619
That was the point of the chapter and I am not switching form past to present, I am switch from present to past. Also I will fix the ''o''.

3642648 But in the flashback, you changed tenses several times. In a flashback, you should use past tense. It means enters is entered, catches is caught, etc.

I would suggest getting an editor for the next chapters just to avoid grammatical mistakes.

3642913
I get what you are saying but even though Dipper is explain the story, it is being presented as if it is happening at that moment. I meant for that segment to be more of a epilogue, of a event that will happen later in the story were as the perspective of the story is building up to that point. If I were to add such pretences in the story it would start to feel less like the story is actually taking place there and more of a narrator driven story which is not what I am going for. As for a editor, I had one for my previous story but I am uncertain if she will be willing to edit this one.

3642961 Yes, but even narration (which is what Dipper is doing) is in past tense. I know you want it as a story, but you could do like a Mabel/Crowd reaction type thing, like this:

narration here

-----------

reaction here

-----------

narration again

Again, just a friendly suggestion.

3643019
Oh no there is no hard feelings and I get what you are saying but the first part of the chapter isn't really going to be relative until later in the story. Also to give you more of a example of what I am doing I am going to explain what happened in the first episode of Gravity Falls. I that episode it start out by showing Dipper and Mable being under attack by a giant group of gnomes while Dipper gives a little form of narration, then the episode start from the beginning and plays out like any other episode and once it gets to the part it reference at the beginning the two parts just bleed together as if that part at the beginning never happened and that is what I am going for. If I add pretences then there wont be any form of bleeding effect and when It reaches that point it will fill as if the story just stops instead of the two parts blending together so that the story continues on instead of it segmenting into a separate story latter down the road.

3643096 Ah. Then you should changed the "said" to says. That way, it is present tense then. :) If you want, I'd be willing to edit for you if you wish. Again, it is up to you as the writer.

3643148
I would appreciate it if you don't mind but is their a way to private message you on here, also I will re read over my story and change that little mistake.

3643169 Yes, just click on my name and you should see "message". Click that and start a message. :) If you can't find it, just comment back and I'll message you.

Great start. I do love MLP crossover's with Gravity Falls.

3754075
The will be more, I insure you, but it might be a while as my laptop recently bugged out on me and it looks like I might have to get a new one.

3754445
ya wating to get my tablet back hopefully fixed:pinkiesmile:

Oh boy...

Run. Just run. Our pyramid buddy is going to have some fun probably...

This is the best thing i read since my mini holladay.:pinkiehappy:
I am now happly awating chapter 3.

I don't want to be rude, but i feel that i need to point some things out.
This story has no flow. I don't want to be rude, but many of your sentences are run-on, and some are cut short. Instead of using he said/she said format, I feel like if you went over the story again with more details, it could have more flow, and the chapters could be longer. Don't be afraid to make short paragraphs.
Otherwise, I like where the story is going.:pinkiehappy:

4455592 I will try to take note of that for chapter 4.

I see a couple punctuation mistakes but I'm intrigued, i have never seen a gravity falls crossover with as a major character please continue.

Also, when the CMC do summon Bill, I can imagine them chanting "egassem sdrawkcab" it is what gideon chanted, after all.

A FOURTH BOOK ARE YOU KIDDING ME PLEASE WRITE MORE CHAPTERS SOON I GOTTA KNOW

PLEASE CONTINUE!!! :flutterrage: Is Twilight a villain? :duck:I

The only bad thing about this story is that the grammer isn't the greatest. However, if english isn't your first language I can understand that.

5818978 It's not that English isn't my first language its just I'm bad at proof reading. I used to have editors but they had to quit do to life problem so I mainly wing it. Once the story is complete I may go back and reread the older chapters and make edits to them. I already have plans of rewriting Chapter 1 as I feel its a bit outdated and rewriting it would put it inline with how I plan to end it then It does currently.

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