Rapidfire was a horrible pony. Selfish, narcissistic, and insubordinate, his crimes against his fellow Wonderbolts were in too great of numbers to be listed. And when his former Squadmates run into him during their war with the Shadwbolts, they capture and subdue the orange Pegasus, locking him up as both a convict and a Prisoner of War.
As the days slip by, Rapidfire's arrogant delusions slowly melt away as he begins to realize that it's too late to regret anything he has done to land himself here. Even now, no one is there for him as he breaks. Rapidfire realizes that there is no more chance for him ever again, and the hopelessness of it all is just too much.
But with the help of one pony, maybe it won't be so hopeless after all. At least, it won't feel that way.
An alternate timeline for Calm Wind's Wonderverse—an AU of an AU; inspired by the From Ashes To New song of the same name.
Great story, looking forwards to updates and some claifaction on what is AU events other than Rapidfire staying
he wasn't THAT bad I mean cmon now
7323224 Alright, let's see:
Rapidfire has attempted to murder Soarin, joined the enemy, sexually harassed mares, including Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, kidnapped Wave Chill so he could be subjected to torture, slept with Spitfire whilst pretending to be Wave Chill, and is indirectly responsible for the death of a Wonderbolt.
What was that about him being not that bad?
7323788 nah man he's an angel
7323960 Ok, now you're just being ridiculous.
Trust me, I love the bastard, but he's done some fucked-up shit.
A few errors here and there but nothing too major. Great start though, glad you're writing it!
7325260 What do you mean by "errors"? Grammatical? Spelling? Punctuation? Story?
I'll probably skip over them by accident going through this, so if you could point them out so I can fix them, I'd appreciate it.
7325285 sure ^^
There were a few things I noticed but first, I'll get the grammatical errors out of the way (which are not many, good job)
Remove the 'was'
Replace 'got' with 'need' (or not. It works either way but 'need' sounds better)
Replace 'heavy' with 'heavier'
Fleetfoot, Air Mach and Spitfire.
I'm pretty sure I missed a few but these are the ones that caught my eye.
Now, one mistake I see you doing is about paragraphs but it's completely common. A new speaker, generally means a new paragraph. A new topic or subject of a situation means a new paragraph. If there is only one speaker, it means one paragraph (unless what they say is very long, then you'd have to break it down).
Here are a few of them:
All of this, should be one paragraph.
Again, same thing.
It should be like this:
And finally, I have some trouble with this particular paragraph. There's nothing necessarily wrong with it, it's just Soarin feels a bit out of character.
I don't think he would say 'this talk is over', my guess is that he would try and explain his reasons and in the end she would hesitantly agree or it would end like what you did. BUT, I guess that's your perception of him so it's nothing big and you don't have to change it.
7325375 I suck at writing. Really, I do.
But with that said, I truly, genuinely do not understand in any way, shape or form how those are grammatical errors or why the paragraphs are in an incorrect format.
7325424 Not at all! You just need experience and won't happen unless you keep on writing!
I wasn't calling them grammatical errors, I was saying they were just a common mistake
Well, the first paragraph and second be excused but the third is something different.
In the third, there are two people speaking in one paragraph and generally, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
So as you can see here Soarin is calling out "Dash!" in the same paragraph where Dash herself is speaking. You must separate these two.
7325470 Maybe it's because I'm just that stupid, but I don't see it.
7325507 it's fine
7325509 Sorry to waste your time. I'm just halfwitted like that.
7325512 Nah, I enjoy going into detail and breaking down aspects of a story tbh…I'm weird…
7325518 Don't worry about it. Honestly, I'm the problem here.
And fear not, you'll have more story before long. I'm already over 1,000 words into chapter 2, "I'm Not the Same Me".
7332616 not really
Great! Looking forward to reading it!
"You've changed me."
Descent would agree.