Derpy is often misunderstood. The name itself given to her because of her eyes and shyness towards others. Mistaken as a mentally challenged pegasus for her faults, can Twilight help her recover from her own sheltering to show her the magic of friendship? A little skeptical at first, she accepts Twilight as her friend, and begins her adventure out into the social world of Equestria.
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This story is awesome i don't know why bu sunshine kinda fits with ditzy XD you've got me hooked
>“Oh, thank you thank you thank you, Twilight!” The pink earth pony beamed, “As soon as I heard it was the fifth anniversary of first elephant to be seen in Ponyville, I knew that I just haaad to throw a reaaally big party!”
>“Girls, lets not start arguing.” Twilight interjected as Dash opened her mouth again, closing it promptly
Incorrectly punctuated dialogue. Please fix:
http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
>Pinkie clapped her hooves together picked up an apple cupcake with her tongue, swallowing it whole
Missing an "and".
>Well, um..
An ellipses has three dots, not two.
>AppleJack
*Applejack
>the purple unicorn
>She said to herself with a smile as she walked up to house, noticing that the door was left ajar.
*noticing
>What are you doing here??
Never use double question marks or double exclamation points.
>Twilight could feel to pain eminating of the pegasus
Yeah. Typos.
>“But.. Is there a place in here a little bit.. Brighter?”
You don't need to capitalize the words following the ellipses.
Her name is Twilight. Refering to named characters in this way is jarring for the reader. Use names or pronouns.
Please end the sentences at the ends of your paragraphs with full-stops (periods).
>I have a messed up eye.
*messed-up
>friends
>unicorns
>fillies
*friend's
*unicorn's
*filly's
Use a 's to denote possession.
"The unicorn's horn"
"Twilight's book"
"Dinky's face"
>she stopped to wav back
*wave
Those are just some of the errors I noticed. There are a lot of them, and they really bring this story down.
Your grammar and spelling needs a lot of work, but the story doesn't seem bad otherwise. Some of the dialogue didn't feel altogether natural to me though, so you may want to go over it again and ask yourself "would somepony actually say this"?
That, and it may have been nice if you'd written out the scene where Twilight, Sunshine and Dinky had supper. It could make for some nice friendship-building, and you could have Twilight make friends with Dinky as well.
touching... Always love to see Ditsy (i mean sunshine) fics .This is really good from what i see here, hope you intended to carry this story onwards...
can't wait for moar!
great story, this has lots of potential i hope you continue it.
it's a very cute slice-of-life story. I enjoy your background for Sunshine, and I hope that you continue to develop her as a full character:
What are her dreams? What are her aspirations? What does she want to be doing five years from now?
Good luck!
37950 Wow, well I obviously need someone to help me edit my stories. Thanks for the critique, I'll be sure to go change those things
37979 Thank you! I do plan on developing her more as the story continues, and as she meets other ponies
Well now... THIS looks interesting... Trevor awaits to see future chapters before making a judgement though, as it's hard to have a great review from just one chapter. It's enough to grab one's attention though! *Waits patiently for the next chapter*
~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
Interesting idea bring in some character into Ditzy and her lifestyle.
I do wish to read more of this story as I am curious to see how Twilight will try to put Ditzy into her friendship circle.
Please do keep up the good work upon such a great idea like this one.
38247
Thanks! I plan on developing her a lot more in the next chapter, which I will hopefully have done soon! :
OH A-MAH A-GAWD-A!!
DIS IS AMAZAH!!!
DIS IS ADAUWABULL!!!!
I am going to start calling her Sunshine, even in my fics, would you mind that?
FINISH.NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Curious to see where you'll be taking this. -ponders-
Tracked, I would love to see how the rest of the Mane 6 react to Sunshine.
MOAR DAMMIT MOAR!!
YES! Bloody love this!
some error's but i understand
Keep them coming (as much as you can)
fantastic
Nice job, please do keep up the good work.