Thestrals. A race of pony all but forgotten in the modern age. They are, all of them, nocturnal. They live their lives in their sole territory, a forest in the middle of Equestrian Lands. They present as members of the country, their sole front-facing town, Hollow Shades, being the only point of contact with the rest of ponydom. The truth is, however, that this is the only place where loyalty to the Lost Sister has never wavered. Thus, they call themselves the Lunar Republic in secret, referring to their state as an individual city-state within the greater Equestrian country. They pay taxes, of course, but enact their own laws outside of Hollow Shades.
They also, through virtue of being such, maintain their own treaties. I am banking on this fact. If all works out, my darling daughter, you will be safe. They will honor their treaty, and raise you with love. All I ask is that you live to adulthood. For this sake, I will write you a book... lessons on our traditions, that when the time comes when you must take your crown you will be prepared. Until then, keep this book hidden and safe. Keep yourself hidden and safe.
I will always watch over you,
Queen Polaris.
This is a tale of love, family, and hope. A young royal will grow, come to understand herself and the world around her, and eventually take her place as the Queen of her own people. The story will largely be cannon compliant, however some things will be changed as I see fit.
This story is largely inspired by Law Abiding Pony's Hive series, and how exactly changelings work will in particular reflect this. Mainly I plan on copying their reproductive system and the role of the queen in the hive, however there will be differences from the biological makeup as I feel appropriate. I do have permission, and will link information where I copy wholesale, as well as make notes on where I simply adjust.
Wow. This is incredible. Very few stories are written this beautifully, and this is one of them. Wow. Stories like this don't come around often; the ones that touch your heart and make you think.. those are rare. Here you really see what a story should have. I absolutely love this to pieces.
Thanks for writing such as story.
9883840
Thank you so much for the compliment! I hope that I continue to hold up the quality you praised so highly.
Nothing but details.
9887508
That is a fair point, thank you for letting me know what your reading experience was.
Wow... this was.. lovely. Different from the former, yes, but still written just as beautifully. There's just this incredible flow to it; so natural and, well, beautiful. That's probably the best word for it. Such writing is one-of-a-kind, and it fits so well with this story. The word choice is incredible; so light and seemingly effortless. You really get the feeling this was written with passion. Passion with the skill in this makes for the best stories, and this deserves to be called one of the greats. Seriously.. this is marvelous to read.
I can only hope to be half the writer this demonstrates. Nice work on this. Nice, nice work.
9887790
I am glad that you enjoyed it. I have been sitting on this story for a few years, working on it off and on. The central idea has finally crystalized such that I can write it, and so I am. Hopefully the quality doesn’t drop too much as the groove of such is found, but if you think this is good I sincerely suggest you read the inspiration for it, Law Abiding Pony’s Of the Hive series. I have my bookshelf linked here if you want to read it. It’s really very good, if long. Their writing style is different from mine, but the thought put into their work is really something.
That was the coolest thing that setup story info, I have read in a long time.
Lovely read so far, with superb work on the details and the beautiful and serene atmosphere. However, it seemed that sometimes you went a little overboard with how poetic you wanted to be, creating overly long run-on sentences that broke my immersion in the tale momentarily. The same goes for quite a lot of typos, tense shifts, and some randomly capitalized words. Can help you comb for these if you wish
9999137
I would greatly appreciate the help. For the most part I've had to... limit how much editing I can do. I reread my story recently and noticed several points where I made typos or capitalised, partially out of habit from my hobby of roleplaying. I haven't gone over and marked all of them yet, but I plan on going over the chapters soon and would appreciate any help finding them in case I missed some.
Aside from that, I'm really glad that you're enjoying it! If you don't mind me asking, are there any places where you think I was able to pull something off properly, or where you think I need to work on? I won't ask for a full review, I just want to know what sort of things stood out to you, again if you don't mind taking the time to type it out.
10000415
Sure, just send me a PM and we can talk about the details
Well, the atmosphere you created is pretty fluid, so narrowing it to one particular spot is rather hard. But I think the description of the valley was the most impactful part. As for improvements, the scene in Hollow Shades after Polaris wakes up may have been a little more tense and dynamic to emphasize her current state.
10000425
I see! I admit I did have the most amount of time for the first chapter, and the clearest idea of what I wanted the location to look like. I've been considering how to design later locations, so I at least know the same style is very impactful... a useful bit of knowledge. Polaris' wake up scene... yes, I think I understand what you mean. When I eventually go over and edit the story I'll give some attention to that point in the story, and see if I can find some way to improve it, or whether or not I'll just have to accept that it's a weaker part of the story.
9995126
Thank you very much, Rome2580! I have had moments where I explain too much in the Author's Notes, so at times when I need extra I might start doing these codex-like entries from time to time. I hope you will like the story long enough to see the next one!
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
10025331
Queen Polaris (if you imagine she's reading the entries aloud like a narrator) would sound like Julie Andrews, when she's speaking with the clear diction of royalty. Kind of like her role in The Princess Diaries as the Queen.
Moonlight sounds like an excited little girl, I don't have an actress in mind, but her voice is clear and she never slurs her words. She says them exactly like she hears other people say them, until she hears the proper way to speak the word. She also, when transformed, is a little halting in her speech, pausing between each sentence to give herself time to adjust her voice so it sounds like a normal fillie's. It makes her sound more refined than she is, though.
Silent Gaze has a deep voice, but it's very low and quiet. It's not threatening though, it kind of sounds like it'd lull you to sleep if you listened to it when you were tired. Unless he's angry. Then he switches to a parade ground like shouting voice.
---
There are other OCs who'll make entrances, but these are the prominent ones so far.
Wonderful tension. A very sinister vibe to it.
10085969
Thank you. It was my hope it would come out as such. Hopefully I can end it satisfactorily.
I think the reason you don't feel their reaction is earned is because I'm, as purely an audience member, not sure who is the point of view character. It sort of wafts between Twilight, Luna, some third view at the very start (Polaris' story exert not included), then Moonlight near the end. As such, we don't feel the full emotional force of just one point of view character. It drifts and clings only a bit to each, kind of like the fog you are writing. Yet, I don't see it entirely as a bad thing because it kind of works with the eerie tension.
10085995
I see, thank you very much. I'll keep that in mind going forward.
Take everything i say with THREE grains of salt...
I agree, I think you should end it here and start new "Book". i also think you should activate the trap car... i meat rating. its a good way to see which of your "books" does better, to help you know what works and what doesn't.