Ever wonder what happened to some other spartan's, like 001 and 003. Well this is the story of these spartan's. They were sent to Equestria after escaping Reach hoping to get away. Now they will have to face something unstoppable to the ponies. The Covenant, yes they will be coming to Equestria and no pony will survive without the spartan's help.
This story won't be finished unless people really like this story, this is just something I wrote a long time ago and that I feel is alright to post.
Chapters (1)
I need to ask due to the description, it this perhaps a comady/parody fic?
Never a good way to decide whether to continue to write a story, mate. You're simply setting a story up for cancellation from the start. See, there are a great number of Halo/MLP crossovers already present on FIMFiction, and most of the ones that seem to get abandoned are the ones where the author's super cool 'totally-not-inserts-for-me-and-my-friend' Spartans, most often from the very limited number of unnamed Spartan-IIs, who somehow avoid the Fall of Reach, save the ponies from the evil Covenant. Often enough, these stories will be downvoted far more frequently than they are upvoted. This will inevitably be one such story.
Right out the gate, I see a major conflict with the Halo lore as I remembered when I stopped playing the games. You stated that 001 and 003 are listed as KIA in their files, which contradicts the morale-based edict to list them as MIA that was present during that period of the Human-Covenant conflict. I get what you were going for, but it was so poorly implemented that the meaning changed entirely.
The next problem is the writing itself. On top of very bland wording choices and lacking any major descriptions, you seem to have a very difficult time deciding on what tense you are using. There are only a few case-specific instances where it is acceptable to change word tense from past to present, or vice versa, in the general progression of a paragraph, and none of the prerequisite conditions are present.
After that comes the issue of comma splicing/run-on sentences. Let's look at this paragraph.
In addition to also showcasing the word tense issues, it is also a prime example of a run-on sentence. The first sentence alone can be broken up into no less than four individual subjects and predicates that can stand as individual sentences.
As it stands, this brings me to the next problem. Only five/six paragraphs in, and you've given basically a complete physical description of both of the main characters before they've even shown a single ounce of character. This is a very common failing of young authors, and is an example of telling, rather than showing.
Characterization seems pretty off for highly disciplined, indoctrinated-since-childhood supersoldiers, as well. They don't really seem all that mature at all, and even in the aftermath of Reach, don't at all reflect their training very well. It's almost like you watched Red vs. Blue and confused the interactions between the Red and Blue simulation troopers for what canon Spartans were like.
Seriously, a mysterious blue vortex phenomena appears in the kitchen of their blown-out shelter, and they just assume that it is some sort of portal? Given the color of the plasma the Covenant troops, vehicles, and starcraft hurl at them on a pretty regular basis, I'm genuinely surprised they assume it's a portal and not some yet-undocumented Covenant weapon. That they would go through without more prompting is rather silly. If Covenant troops converged on their position and they were forced through under a hail of plasma, it'd be a bit less silly.
2 Errors already :P
Needs to be:
Needs to be:
So far liking the story, but there are some errors.
7463971 appologies, this was a long time ago, thanks for the constructive crits.
Tons of Spartan's whats?
How vain could you possibly be?
7464561 Sorry mate, I choose my words poorly.
Sorry, but isn't this supposed to be tagged as a Crossover?
7472867 "Facepalm" bangs head on kevboard... vb bvhasionasionruig.
Gonna change that.