The Story of my OC William Goldheart and how he arrived in Equestria with no knowledge of who he is, where he is from, or how he got there. Follow him as he tries to find answers, help his friends, and maybe fall in love.
Chapters (9)
- Member Since 24th Oct, 2015
- offline last seen Yesterday
Twinx
Different the only descriptor you need
Twinx
Joined 24th Oct, 2015 ·
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I'm a sir and thank you for your kind words i only hope half of the comments i'll revive will be as kind
You know, it's not enough to just use spell check; you have to actually know what words mean.
gentile - A non-Jewish person.
gentle - Tender and amiable; of a considerate or kindly disposition; soft and mild rather than hard or severe; polite and respectful rather than rude.
precede - To go before, go in front of.
proceed - To go forward or onward; to advance; to continue or renew motion begun.
I was going to write this off as a typographical error until I saw that you did it three times in a row.
lest - For fear that; in case.
least - The smallest amount of something.
Seriously?
shelf - A flat, rigid, rectangular structure, fixed at right angles to a wall, and used to support, store or display objects.
self - The subject of one's own experience of phenomena: perception, emotions, thoughts. An individual person as the object of his own reflective consciousness.
forth - Forward in time, place or degree; beyond a (certain) boundary.
fourth - The ordinal form of the number four.
Don't do that. This is a story, not a comic book. Also, nothing pulls readers out of a story quite like suddenly running into a link.
There's a difference between "to" and "too". Learn it.
This is only scratching the surface of problems that I saw; if I took the time to point out punctuation errors, I'd be here all night.
6629417 I'm a poor speller so thanks i'll fix those spelling errors asap and the sounds are there because the whole thing is based on what i think an animated version would be like I was focused on making it as descriptive as possible so ponies/people could imagine the sounds , the characters, and to give the prologue the feel of a first episode of a TV series letting the watcher have an idea of the main character's background with still leaving a degree of mystery so I can be open should I wish to have the character go back home at the end
Call me crazy but I thought authors where supposed to plan out there stories and do there own ideas, not ask the readers to do it for them.
maybe Im the only one that finds it weird
i.imgur.com/AkkpP.gif
6630487 I'm Different I like to hear what my readers wants and I want to interact with my readers I have most of the main characters so any submissions will most likely turn up as background characters or one time characters I do have a large amount of names but it isn't enough and if my readers can why not ask for their help. That's my standing I hope you can understand why I asked people/ponies for their help by submitting names they would like to see.
secure.static.tumblr.com/cca41736587bc3b2f7df4cb947f660c2/hdi6ap4/mdvna46cc/tumblr_static_tumblr_static_6umn5122q58ggg4wcwg0woc0s_640.gif
How many characters are there if you have a "large amount of names" for them but still need the readers to submit names in, because at some point there is going to be so many characters it might be to much to handle with describing what they look like and think of interesting character traits and unique personality's this story might just end up being a gallery of random characters.
Well you have improved on your writing skills but you still have a big problem of making your sentences way to long and you could use more punctuations. So far there is not much to tel about this story that distinguishes from other HiE story but I hope you will find a way to make it stand out from the rest.
6655928 in the future it come to be a story were he joins a group of heroes and saves multiple ponies and other creatures alike perhaps a love interest at the end I have yet to think of all the details but I have a general idea where I wish to take the story also There will be a one chapter written in a new way that I thought up but never have seen so don't dismiss the story yet for there is a lot but for awhile the story will have the character try to find more about himself and what he wants to do in his new life.
One: You need to work on your punctuation. From the comments, you've shown a definite lack of periods, commas, and the like, where they should be. In the story itself, the first chapter is already riddled with punctuation errors.
Two:
Are you sure you don't mean Different? Deferent is another term for deferential, which means showing respect.
6734498 yes I know my punctuation isn't very good and as for the spelling mistake that's on purpose thou wasn't intended. If others comment that they don't like it I'm more then open to change things like that i hope however that doesn't change the experience of the read to much since this is my first project and is in no way likely my last. thank you for your imput
6735317 Could you at least explain why it is titled as such? And not in the correct way?
6736148 to simply it there is no good reason I made the mistake early on and chose not to fix it because I often make such mistakes on a general basis or in other words i'm a poor speller and that comes off fairly quickly to those who read my hand written content and I find that by leaving It misspelled it might make it easier to find for those who hear of it.
6736479 Nonetheless, if an error is pointed out, you should fix it as soon as possible. Authors are obligated to polish their work when need be.
6736594 I hear what you saying and appreciate your candor in option on what you think i should do and will change it asap
I can't say much of the story so far as their is little content so far, you would need to get into the story soon if you what your story to distinguish it self. But, there a big problem with punctuation in your writing so far which make it very long and awkward sentences. if you use an audio reader, it might help you breakdown your sentences better, if you are willing to practices by hearing your own writhing, it has helped me a lot on my end.
6859331 thanks for your concern I understand my writing can leave a lot to be desired and I'm currently working on a way to fix up these errors that I promise in a short time most if not all grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors will be taken can of thanks to a service I have recently signed up for so don't let these stop you from possibly stopping your enjoyment of the story. Thank you.
In regards to the Song Recognition, I've seen it referred to as Music of Harmony (I think...)
6919370 yes I'm aware of what you're referring to but I'm looking for a name that explains what it is that is only a title for it if that makes any sense.
First off, you misspelled different in the title for this. This fic needs a lot of work but that is definitely the first step
Second, just having a pony creator image as your cover art is more often than not a severe turn off for most of the site. It just screams this is this guys first fic or he didnt try all that hard. I don't judge them that way but im just saying what the usual status quo is
And that list of canon and non canon stuff can be a turn off as well
6920243 I fully understand what you're saying I used a pony generator because my drawing isn't great though I'm improving slightly and the list is there mainly for later chapters I fully intend to modify it in time so it looks better or will remove it completely once I'm finished writing the story depending on what the story will contain at that point. I hope you'll continue to read the story or will give the story a chance if you haven't already. Thank you for your comment.
6922848
Im just trying to help the new guys with their first fics
I had to learn the hard way myself
Good, the guy is finally out of the house. you're getting better in your writhing, but you still have a massive problem with your long sentences but it's getting their. The big problem that I mostly see is your writing your going to fast in your writhing the story and skip on the small details of daily life and it hurt the creditability of the characters and location. for example, with the doctor examination you just made the doctor do a magic scan(?) on the guy, tel him what was wrong with him, telling him that his surplus magic is a blessing and then send him on his way. When you first presented the doctor with his last patient I think you did a good job but in depicting him as casual and rather chatty, but I think you could have put more small talk with the doctor and the guy and go more at length into the examination with more conventional means, like verifying his pulse, look into his eyes, stick out his tongue to see his mouth, reflex and such.
The idea of sending the guy alone, with some money for food and leave the guy to find himself in the town to the castle after the examination, isn't bad as such, but it would have help that his host family would have showned them selves more worried in making sure he gets their by himself, provided a map or directions, and at least provide a good reason why none of the family members can't watch over him if he just started to get well and make sure that he doesn't get any heath problem starting up again.
Try to set the mood when the character sees a new place, like does he like the decorations, does he feel queasy in cramp arias ans such.
6994003 This is before the castle as indicated in chapter 4 this is after season 3 episode 4: One Bad Apple. I skipped the doctor going over his injuries for 2 good reasons one It be too long and make this chapter longer then it already is and two I really can't say what injuries he could or should have and want to leave it till later in a simplified form for William to tell Forester later on. They do give him a map says so in the chapter you're commenting on as well they give a reason to leave him to wonder PonyVille so he can go around to see if he sees anything or pony familiar to him which will happen in the next part but I'll admit Annie could have gone with William a bit of oversight on my part. As for detail i'll diving fether into them with the next chapter but left it out when seeing the hospital because to me at lest all look more or less the same with only a few exeptions.
7071513 thanks for the support and I feel I have been improving a lot since I started writing.
well , the first haft really needs work in the punctuations and reading it a few more times would help you. The beginning of the second haft is actually tolerable, fairly easy to follow and your alternating turn phrases you made aren't as repetitive as before; up until toward the end where the usual problems of over rushed story pacing and writing that you have done in the past. I still think you should slow down a little by going more into detail on what is going on around the guy. The interaction with Pinky wasn't that bad but I think you should have put more thought into it, in how they would interact with each other. I can at least say that you are differently improving in your writing just keep reading your chapters a few more times before publishing it.