Okaaaaaaaaaaay... this chapter is alright, but I'm gonna have to knock it. Mind you, I'm not knocking it for what you said before for no incest at all in this fic, even if that is a fetish of mine. I'm knocking it, cause you managed to get the name of one pony wrong throughout, except in the beginning.

Carrot Cake

CARROT Cake? CARROT CAKE?! It's PUMPKIN Cake! Seriously, how'd that get messed up when you used her name correct the first time, IMMEDIATELY in the beginning? If you instead meant Carrot as in their dad changed to a mare, then that'd be okay; but you never said it was, even if you also didn't say she was a unicorn like in the show. But even if it WAS, she'd still be a parent, not a sister... but I doubt it with the reference to their parents later on.

As for the chapter, I still think these could use a little length to them, even if not all stories are novel-length; but it does seem like for glimpses into ponies/characters in the future, they could be a bit more descriptive perhaps. Not that what's here isn't enough, but it just seems a little fast-paced to me, even if this isn't an "official" fic, I know. But for a female slavery-based Equestria, it still seems like more should be given, even if this is to be multiple chapters/as long as you keep having ideas. Still, this is the first fic of this kind I've seen, since I haven't done any myself nor seen anyone else post any. And the thing I was referring to before was that in Bruised Apples, it was mentioned how in caribou culture, twins of opposite genders are seen as an omen of something bad (a little vague, but I doubt it means in their society as much as for that family). So I didn't know if you were going to incorporate that, if no one but Pound would take Pumpkin for that reason or you've even read that fic... but I digress.

And in the first paragraph, you say "they" and "their daughter Pumpkin Cake" without ONCE referencing the Cakes' themselves, in the couple sentences before! I admit that saying "they" would no doubt reference the Cakes, but even if no one reading this is probably a newbie to the show/fandom, it still should be stated who "they" is. And when you say Pound wouldn't let anyone touch his sister outside business hours, you refer to him as "she". For a couple small errors I noticed throughout. Of course, you did fix the spacing issue from the first chapter, so that's a positive. But I do also find your references to the universe to be somewhat farfetched, such as Twilight teaching her own tricks to all mares she teaches and the continuously barren females unless they get a spell to make them receptive, but you're entitled to alter/do what you wish.

Mind you, I'm not ripping cause I've changed my mind about this story, but I do expect something with at least consistency to the characters being the same as from the show (in terms of name with their appearance being mentioned, if so). Still, despite the problems, I'll keep watching for these, but I hope they get more interesting. While I'm not expecting a masterpiece, I do hope to see something with uniqueness (like you've given) that's at least decent quality, like most of the other fics I've read set in this universe, canon or not.

Edit: added some things to be more clear about parts critiqued in my review, assuming you or anyone else looks back who's seen this already. And obviously, PLEASE fix those issues I mentioned, or at least the BIG one someone else stated with me here!

Carrot cake..... I mean, not knocking the chapter, it's still good, but please change the name, please???

6690904

To be Devil's advocate for a moment: what more is needed? I'd down vote "Deutschland Uber Alles : The next generation" as well. What's the difference between one fascist National Socialist cheerleader story and another? Votes are not just on quality but on content. Think of it like this: The power of the ballot is to express a stance even if it is not the winning one. The Fall has clearly won as no one is removing it. But much like boycotting a popular restaurant with a sign saying "KKK preferred as customers" the idea is to use software power pressure to affect the bottom line and change the way things are.

is Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara going to be in this? how bout Twist?

I liked this story. I hope you continue it one day.

Excuse author but is it okay if I use this in a future story perhaps?