“So, what’s going on today Girlyman?” The Emperor asked, imagining himself lounging.
“Well, that purple xenos is supposed to meet with you today for ‘Chatting with The Emperor’ in a few minutes.” Guilliman said, reading off of a list. “Then, after a few hours or so of that, The xeno leader wanted to speak with you over something.”
“Wonder what Sunbutt would need to talk about. I mean, doesn’t that take time away from her cake eating time?” The Emperor asked nonchalantly.
“I’ll have you know that the princess does not spend entire days eating cake, Mr. Emperor.” Sparklebutt stated, trotting inside the throne room.
“If that's what she tells you.” The Emperor imagined himself shrugging. Twilight blinked, before shaking her head.
“Anyway, sorry I’m late,” She began as Magnus walked in. “Ponyville had a random attack from the timberwolves earlier, and-”
“SPACE WOLVES?!” Magnus suddenly shouted angrily. Twilight jumped, staring at Magnus in fear as he suddenly exploded into a giant one eyed demon with a tunic and a book.
“This is why we don’t talk about them. We only say corgies when referring to the W word.” Suddenly Magnus vanished, with a ‘Poof’. “Consider your timbercorgie problem dealt with permanently. Now, what did you want to talk about today?” The Emperor asked, to which Twilight blinked.
“Ummm….what do you mean by ‘it’s solved’...?”
“You’ll hear it in the news eventually.” The Emperor said, ending that topic.
Meanwhile……..
“YOU SEND WOODEN WOLVES AT ME BROTHER?! DO YOU THINK ME A FFFFUCKING WEAKLING? YOU MUST HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER YOU FURRY FUCK!” Magnus roared, setting fire to another one of the wooden wolves.He had already burnt down half a forest’s worth of the things, but he wasn’t done. He then crushed the burning wolf under foot, continuing his mass extermination of anything resembling a canine. Meanwhile, in Ponyville, a white wolf in a suit cowered behind his fancy chair, considering the irony of a counselor needing counseling.
Emperor’s Throne Room
“And that’s what happened at the Crystalling.” Twilight finished.
“You nearly lost an entire kingdom. Because of a fucking little baby horse with wings and a horn.” The Emperor deadpanned. If they listened carefully, they could hear Guilliman smacking his head into the wall nearby.
“You always look to the negative part, don’t you?” Twilight groaned.
“Kinda my job, since you fuckers only look to the positive part. But seriously. An entire fucking kingdom. One baby. You have the worst ‘No accidents’ chart in the fucking galaxy.”
“At least we aren’t sitting on our rumps all day like a certain someone…” Twilight muttered under her breath, only to get smacked upside the head. Which sent her into the wall.
“I was wondering when you’d start to get sassy.” The Emperor chuckled.”Still, I am the Motherfucking Emperor and this is my Motherfucking Throne Room so you better give me some Motherfucking Respect am I Motherfucking clear you Motherfucking bitch?” The Emperor stated. Twilight sighed, nodding.
“How you manage to fit six curses into a single sentence is beyond me…” Guilliman stated.
“Shut the fuck up you girly little fucker. I am the Motherfucking Emperor that’s how.” The Emperor stated. “Now shut up and gimme some questions you toilet seat.”
Guilliman sighed, before walking outside for a moment. When he came back, he had a small box full of envelopes.
Taking one out, he gave it a read over.
“From the Legion of the Damned,
Dear Emperor,
If the Legion of the Damned came to assist you in whatever you needed, would you accept their request? I am part of them and know we get shit done when others don't, but I wish to know your thoughts.
Sincerely, a Damned Legionnaire.”
He looked up at the Emperor. “The fucks a Damned Legionnaire?” He then promptly got a smack on the head.
“No foul language asshat. Anyways, probably. I would definitely like to have a few thousand or so statues of myself on every planet in this system. Or just as a guard if the fucking idiots that called themselves ‘sentient’ try anything funny. Next.”
“Let’s see…
Deed22 Asks,
Dear, Holy God Emperor
What would you do if their were Orgryns on the planet? and would you unleash Magnus and Guilliman outside just to annoy the ponies?
Sincerly
Deeed22.”
“For the first question, maybe for entertainment. Second, read the previous events. Next.”
“Dragon Dredd asks,
Dear Emperor
How would you feel if your text-to-speech device got broken and the only form of communication was through Pinkie Pie?”
“Do I need to pop a planet?”
“Waterpicker asks,
Dear Emperor of Mankind,
There is a version of yourself in the multiverse that managed to get off golden throne and wreck the chaos gods. He was tricked by his universe's Tzeentch into being sent to another universe turned into that universe's version of Celestia. What would you do if you met them?
Sincerely, a multiverse traveling gryphon.”
“First, I’d congratulate him for getting off this fucking golden portapotty. Then I’d kick him until he got me off my throne. Then I’d congratulate him again, then feel bad for him becoming a horse. Next”
“Viceroy asks,
Dear Emperor,
Now that you have Guilliman will you order him to start fixing up your throne room and what ever else that's left of the Imperial Palace?
Also, did you fight the Void Dragon on Mars?”
“Perhaps. But first I need to get him to repent for his fucking Ultrasmurfs very existence. Next”
“Wait what about his second question?”
“Next. Question. Toilet-boy.”
“Yeesh, fine!
Atlas55 asks,
Dear Emperor,
Have you ever heard of the Fall of Equestria Universe? If you have not, then it is a Universe of Anthro Ponies who have been enslaved and have become Slaves for another Species called the Caribou. If possible, could you shit out a Warp Storm on those Filthy Xeno Slavers and send them back to whatever Hell they came from?
~Your Loyal Follower, Chapter Master, Atlas Atlas55
P.S: I think they are allied with Slaanesh.”
“.....Planets have been popped. Your welcome.”
“Dear Emperor,
How does it feel when you use the warp? And my brother Chaos say here have a Chaos kitten which from what he tells me are very psychic and warp immune and are strangely adorable anyways you'll find it in your lap after you're done reading this.
Fellow Elder God, Mr. Nightmare
P.S. War say thanks for all the Warp storms”
“Sorry, this sanctum/Throne Room/Batcave is impervious to all warp travels and shenanigans from anyone except me. Also, going through the warp is like getting a foot shoved up your ass, then while it’s nice and stuck, you start traveling at lightspeed. While the foot is still going at the normal sublight speed. And then your brain gets fucked by a daemon during that process. Next”
“Crysos asks,
Dear Emperor,
I'm writing to you from some kind of an ass of the world. I am a loyalist astartes who survived during Istvaan atrocity alongside with few others. Right now me and a guy from Emperor's Children are stuck on a planet with some multicoloured xenos, that remind me horses from Terra. I hope you could help us a little (send a titan legio for example), because they are sooooooo annoying. Especially pink one. We are out of ammo and use a stick and a power fist as our weapons. Is there a way to get out of here? Please, save us or we will die cause of using powerfist to facepalm.
Sincerely, Crysos Morturg, XIV legion”
“Why don’t you stop fisting your boyfriend’s ass with that power fist and instead start using it on the fucking xenos you fucking morons. Until you learn that a Power Fist is meant to beat the shit out of things and turn that stick into something actually fucking useful, no supply drops for you. Your fucking Space Marines, not kindergartners. You know how to fucking craft shit. Next”
“Vampony’s Helper asks,
If you encountered a human that was sent to another reality like you were, but was turned into a Tyranid Genestealer, what would you do? If they figured out how to tell the Hivemind to fuck off, how would your reaction change?” Guilliman also glanced up. “There’s also a bunch of...what would you call it? Pointless exposition?”
“There’d also be a few ‘bullshits’ in there but yeah. As for how to react… bugspray. And I also know there’s fucking bugspray on this planet.”
“Casual Reader asks,
Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind
Are you going to send the pony inquisition/ecclesiarchy to the Warp, like one of your alternative selfs did? Also, is it possible to a Time Lord revert you to your original self, even using a procedure like Davros tried?
a Casual Reader
EDIT: For clarification, Davros tried to steal Doctor's energy when the latter was donating some, for a act of pity for Davros. And Davros is the creator of the Daleks.
Also, dear Emperor, is it possible that a great emergency allows you to return to life proper, like triyng to disarm a Dalek Reality Bomb? All your fragments would be unified instantly just trying to get it offline.
Thanks again for your time, my Liege.”
“Don’t you think I would have caused a horrific event to occur if it could get me off this fucking throne by now? And I thought Magnus already gave the Inquisition the fuck off.”
“From anonymous,
dear corpse emperor
i wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of you imminent demise if your curious about the frequency of which i've send these letters its merely to instill as much fear as i can as if basting a turkey which i will then proceed to have sex with
thats right i'm going to fuck the fear turkey
follow me on twitter at @thecrimsonfuckr
sincerely alucard”
“Try me you little bitch. And then, once you're dealt with, I think i might send that Integra bitch a little gift.”
“Okay, next question!
…..So Emperor, you ever skip on leg day?”
The sound of ten thousand souls being snuffed out by an explosion that could only be described as ‘Huge-ass fucking explosion’ went unheard by everyone.
“Fuck. You.”
“Okay, I think that’s enough questions for now! Let’s not pop a planet today Father..” Guilliman said, putting the rest of the questions away for now to try to calm down his Father. “Why do I feel like we forgot something…..”
Meanwhile
“RAAAAA….Huh?” Magnus said, reverting back to his human...ish form. “What happened? Where am I?” Then a bunch of equines jumped him.
“You are under arrest for mass genocide!”
Dear emperor of man.. Can you please tell krige they forgiven please?. I tired of burying teenagers barely a fourth of my age on planets all over the galaxy.. also here's all the info on krige if you are wondering.
The Death Korps of Krieg are Imperial Guard Regiments raised from the world of Krieg. Notoriously grim and fatalistic warriors, they seek to atone for their planet's past rebellion by dying glorious deaths in service to the Imperium. For this purpose, Death Korps regiments routinely request to fight in the galaxy's deadliest warzones, grinding their enemy down through long battles of attrition and siege warfare.
Sincerely Commissar Craner of the 145 Death korps of Krieg siege regiment. age 60.
PS. These are the same frakers who HAPPILY charge machineguns with a pointy stick if told to do so.
Dear Magnus if your as powerful a pysker as legend says your are why haven't you used you powers to regrow your missing eye?
P.S dear Emperor do you know why abbadon the despoiler is such an asshole
Sincerely an imperial loyal robot
P.s.s yes I'm a robot
I really want Lion el'Jobs on to show up and bitch slap Magnus and Guilleman around. Or maybe for some e to figure out that cloning the Emperor a body might possibly work.
Dear Emperor,
What will be your reaction and ponies reaction when Sanguinius is in Equestria? I bet everyone will go crazy for him and you having a heart warming reunion. Oh, do you miss him?... I need a hug.
Sincerely, a loyal servant of Sanguinius
P.S: Sanguinius for Warmaster 42,000! Make the Space Marine legions great again!
PSS: FUCK HORUS, THAT EDGY FUCKBOY!
7475428 Hey, git from here you litte gitz
7475642 BLAM!
Dear god emperor,
Ever thought about turning your throne into a dreadnaught. If you need materials then I a planet on the very edge of the omniverse with the best metal to use. It's tough enough to survive a universal collapse, and those tend to kill gods like you, so I figured a badass like you could make use of it. If you want some of it and possibly need my help, then just send me a message, how is up to you.
Sincerely Commando Blade of the omni-guard.
P.s. The metal is also very good for conducting the same energy you use.
P.s.s. Not the Ben 10 omniverse.
Dear fuck-mothering emperor of mankind,
Why not ass-kick tzeench with a psychic powerfoot for your amusement? Also, why not have papa fucking smurf try and atone by mounting badass tank treads to the glorious golden throne so you may at least move out of the old throne room? Ps. Tank-thrones kick xeno ass.
Dear Fast Food Franchise,
I hope this letter reaches you...
The burger I ordered got cold after I got home.
Please replace it for me.
And that was the last day Winona was ever seen agian
Dear Gulag 39:
I am understanding there is a lack of productivity at your "Vacation" Camp. Do you need more Slav-I mean Honourable employees to maintain your quota?
General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union's Central Committee: Joseph Stalin.
May the Broseph keep you Joeseph
Dear God Emperor of Man,
What would you do if you had Alucard as a servant.
Sincerely, Delta
Dear god emperor of mankind
Recently my legion has suffered a great loss at the hands of the nids ( you might have heard of it the planet was called forgefane) So that got me and peturabo to thinking that maybe we were wrong in rebelling with Horus and we have fought alongside loyalists since then (when the beast attacked for instance) so we were wondering if you would do us the honor of allowing us to fight alongside our loyalist brethren for good this time in short we are asking your forgiveness for the sins of the past and humbly ask to be reinstated to the legiones astartes once more.
sincerly yours warsmith keagan (grand triarch, warmaster of equestria and the butcher of the crystal Imperium)
Ps peturabo himself has asked you to help him like you did magnus
Dear emperor,
What is your opinion on Doomguy?
What would you do if you have Doomguy/Doom Marine/Doom Slayer working for you?
Peace, Amethyst the Legionary Battlemage.
P.S. Do you know anyone named Damocles? I saw him ran pass me while I was visiting the Roman Empire in one of my travels sometimes in the pass, shouting something about death to Nero while many praetorians were chasing him. And about more than 100 years later, I saw him again shouting death to Commodus while praetorians were chasing him, again.
...
*BOOM*
Damn! That was beautiful! Did you see that!?
Uh...Sir?
What?
The scroll and quill, sir.
Oh! Ehem! Turn off Sound-to-Text.
...
*Sometimes later*
Wait, I think I forgot to edit the letter.
Dear Emperor!
Have you ever heard of the Human from a different universe called Master Chief (John 117)? If so would you be willing to recruit him to your army if you ever had the chance?
-Emeraldleafeon
P.S. A leafeon is basically a cute leaf fox.
Dear Holy God Emperor of Mankind,
What is your most favorite legion and least, not including the Ultrasmurfs.
Also how is the restraining order on the Custodes going?
Sincerely Your loyal subject,
Deeed22
Dear emperor of mankind what is your opinion on the Saiyan race as well as the half-saiyans
From your loyal follower
half-saiyan frisk
PS. saiyans get stronger every time they almost die
Dear Holy-God-Emperor-Of-Mankind,
Are the stories of that lone Imperial Army soldier who sacrificed himself to save you from Horus during the endgame of the Horus Heresy true?
dear god emperor of munkind,
what do you think of xenos, not nonhuman xenos I mean actual xenos.vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/aliens/images/f/ff/XenomorphXX121.png/revision/latest?cb=20141005001209
p.s what do you think of the failed space marines called super mutants?, they both have the same acronim that's all the proof I need to know they are failed space marines.
dear God-Emperor of mankind
i got two questions that i hope that you will answer. First question, will you spend some time with the princesses? (celestia, luna and Cadance) whenever you get off the golden throne?
As for my second question, what kind of glorious melee combat will you defeat the Tau with?
Dear super holy Emperor of mankind,
What is your favorite weapon?(not including your super fucking awesome flaming sword of goldeness)
Dear Emperor,
I wish to inform you that I have an orky friend here that wishes to meet you. His name is grote, he like giving those stubborn Timberwolves the axe. Wish to let you know, but have to hide him on the hill or else mass riot in Ponyville.
Sincerely, unlimited blades
Dear Emperor.
We would like to inform you, that yes, we will begin to make statues of you on every planet we come across in this universe, we are currently close to yours filled with your... Strange Xenos you let live, but we will not question it, send for us and we shall come and do as you ask, and we shall also assign guards when we are closer to drop marines off at your location, send a message to us of your exact coordinates, and it shall be done, swiftly and Efficiently.
Sincerely, the same Damned Legionnaire from last time.
Dear badass emperor.....
what happens when 1 warp storm is not enough?
from Oricalcos Striker
15 chapters.
No plot.
Just more fucking questions.
Either dedicate one chapter just to Q&A, or rename the fic.
7681146 there is plot.
It's just so scattered to the winds that you can never find it without a microscope.
Also, we tried using the one Q/A chapter thing. I would have gotten bored of answering questions long before the halfway point. Having the questions at the end of the chapter for every chapter allows it to not immediately get boring (for me at least, who is most important, as being bored of this means no new chapters being posted)
Plus, this gives me a chance to just dick around as the Emperor. It's sort of my relaxation time from actually writing a story with an actual (seeable) plot line. Relieves stress. Somewhat.
Plus, I may or may not have something planned for this...
7681144 and as for ripoffing, yes. Yes it is. But once I actually get a god damned good idea for this, I'll let you know.
7681144
Plus, if I had done a chapter of questions every so often, I'd be overwhelmed with how many questions there are. Mental breakdowns from overload of questions is not a thing I want to happen.
Of course, I had planned to do something with this. But then I was put into a forced hiatus, and lost track of all my ideas for what to do with this. So until I can get something new and idealistic for this, I'll probably take the full time of doing it.
Thank you for the 'somewhat helpful' criticism!
(P.S technically the Emperor this guy was based off of was a fake of the OG. So technically, He is a fake of a fake. And that is how I want you to know him by!)
Why is everything in bold lettering? I think you should look around the beginning to see if a bold 'stopper' [ / b ] (just remove the spaces) is missing it's slash.
no dr.wolf run now
I dont think ponies even have a word for Genocide