Chapter Fourteen: The Changeligs are Coming! The Changelings are Coming!
”Has Magnus returned yet?” the Emperor asked, and Guilliman shook his head.
“Not yet, Father. Perhaps he decided to corrupt this world for the treacherous forces of Chaos?” The Primarch of the Ultramarines suggested. “Though I doubt he could do such a thing. After all, you protect this world!”
”Sigh. I am not your fucking father Girlyman. Go find that fuckwit Magnus and drag him back here if you have to.” The Emperor said.
“Very well father. I shall hunt that fool at once!” Guilliman declared proudly.
"Sorry to disappoint you,” Magnus said from the gate, “But I am already back. Though why I woke up in a forest is beyond me…”
”Magnus, I have a question for you.” The Emperor said. ”Where in the fuck are the other Primarchs?”
“The other Primarchs?” Magnus asked, before shrugging. “If I remember correctly, and the information I had gathered is true...I believe Vulkan disappeared, and left six treasures for his Chapter to find if he is to return.”
”Wow. That's a lot more dickish than what I expected of him.” The Emperor said. “What about Lion? Corvax? Jaghatai?”
“Don't know, don't know, don't know.” Magnus said. “I severely doubt we could find any of them. I mean, I doubt any of them would be on the planet.”
Meanwhile
Deep in a cave under the Everfree Forest, a figure sneezed.
”Yeah that's pretty unlikely.” The Emperor agreed.
“Say, aren't the Princesses supposed to be here for one of their daily meetings?” Guilliman asked.
”Yeah...especially that purple one. Where the fuck are they?” The Emperor asked. ”Fuck it, I'm gonna go take a look outside.”
Magnus and Guilliman looked at him in shock. “What? You're going to get off the Throne at last?” Magnus asked.
”No, I'm going to use my OPPLSNERF Sight Power thing. Are you fucking stupid?” The Emperor snarked.
“Oh.” Guilliman said, disappointed.
”One Moment.” The Emperor was silent for a second, before four beings suddenly popped into the Throne Room in a flash of light.
“W-what? Where are we?” The center one asked. She was a unicorn, with a purple-almost pink coat, and a dark purple mane. Her cutie mark was an odd magical swirl. Next to her was another unicorn, this one blue, with a fancy magicians hat and a whitish-blue mane and a misty magician wand for a cutie mark.
”You all have five minutes to explain what the hell is going on out there. Why is there so much fucking pink shit floating about and into the Princess shits and Purple-Ass. And her friends?” The Emperor ordered.
“Oh my, I have never been able to get in here…. blegh, it's too gold and shiny.” One of the other creatures said, looking around in disgust. It was tall and snake-like, with a lion’s paw and a chicken’a claw for hands, and a dragon’s leg and tail, and a cloven hoof for his lower half. “You really need to get a better architect.”
”Gold is the best color you Chaos Prick.” The Emperor stated, somehow conveying anger through his Text to Speech device.
“Oh just keep telling yourself that.” The creature said, examining his claws, before wiping his hands together. “Well, I suppose introductions are in order. I am Discord, reformed Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony. And the other two are background ponies. Ignore them.”
“Hey!” The pink/purple one said. “I am not a ‘background pony’! I'm Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle’s student!”
“And I am the Great, and Powerful Trrrixie!” The Blue one said, with a great haughtiness equal to that of snobby royalty.
”Congrats. I'm the Fuckmothering Emperor. Your titles are invalid. Now explain what the fuck is going on out there.” The Emperor said, somehow conveying extreme boredom. Magnus yawned.
“Yes, I would like to know that myself.” The Red Primarch nodded.
“Ummm… well, the Changelings are back. They've kidnapped all the most powerful ponies. Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Twilight and her friends-” Starlight began, only to get interrupted by a angry Discord in her face.
”They took Fluttershy?” He growled.
”Hey. Only I am allowed to use bold.” The Emperor stated. ”Also, the Changelings? You mean those bug ponies that underestimated their own food/power source? I'm surprised they didn't come back sooner. They will likely fail as well.”
“Where did they take them?” Discord asked.
“To the Changeling Kingdom.” Starlight said, and Discord snapped his claws. Only for nothing to happen.
”Oh no you don't.” The Emperor said. ”We are all going together. Which means it's time for a ROAD TRIP!”
Magnus and Guilliman gawked at him. “You mean you're finally getting off the Throne?” Guilliman asked.
”No, you fucknuggets. It means we are relocating temporarily.” The Emperor stated. The Throne Room shook for a few seconds, before coming to a rest. Windows popped open, revealing a desolate land, with a massive black and hole-y tower.
“Did we just...teleport?” Magnus asked, looking around.
”Yes we fucking did you blind idiot.” The Emperor said, a steering wheel popping out of the ground in front of his rotting corpse. ”Now, let's get this show on the road.”
“Um…” the fourth creature asked, having stayed silent until now. “The Changeling Kingdom has a powerful stone of Anti-Magic as the throne. It's how the Queen protects the Hive.”
”Good to know. This thing doesn't run on Magic. It runs on the hopes and dreams of small children.” The Emperor said. Magnus and Guilliman were silent for a moment.
“So..there are children under the room?” Magnus finally asked.
”What? Are you fucking retarded? I was making a joke. This runs on some of the few million souls that were sacrificed into it. It's a soul per gallon.” The Emperor said, mortified.
There was more silence.
“Aaaanyway, if you could teleport the entire Throne Room, why haven't you done it before?” Magnus asked after a few minutes.
”Because.” The Emperor said.
Magnus blinked, waiting for an explanation. There was none.
“Because…?” He asked, urging him to continue.
”I already fucking told you. Granted, it was at a pitch higher than existence, but I told you nonetheless.” The Emperor stated. The ground shook as the Throne Room began to move.
Changeling Hive, one hour later
Four Changeling Guards stood at attention, ready for any possible threat that could come for them.
Unfortunately, a mobile Throne Room driving at fifty miles an hour was not within the expected realm of ‘possible’.
“Hey, am I hallucinating, or is that a golden church? Moving towards us?” One of the guards asked, noticing the obnoxiously golden church-like building.
“Maybe it's one of those traveling Missionaries or something. Probably here to shout ‘praise the sun!’ At us and try to get us to convert to some dumb religion.” The other Guard shrugged. “I'll go tell them off.” The guard flew towards the moving church, expecting it to slow down.
“Hey! We don't want any of your dumb religion, so go back to wherever you came frohmygod!” The last part was due to the changeling noticing five seconds late that the church was not slowing down. His green ichor was splattered across one of the windows.
”I think I hit a bug or something.” The Emperor said from within, window cleaners wiping off the Changeling blood as the Throne Room crashed into the front of the Changeling Hive, smashing the walls.
”Alright kids, here's where we stop! Get out now and go catch some bugs!” The Emperor ordered.
“Wha-” Starlight looked at the Corpse in shock. “-What about you? You’ll be all alone!”
”I'm the Motherfucking Emperor.” The Emperor grinned, or at least his skill did, as an echo of knuckles popping reverberated around the room. ”I'll be fucking fine.” Three las-pistols floated over to the three ponies. ”Take these. They will certainly do you a world of good.” He said, the intended sarcasm not translated into the voice.
“Umm...sure…” Starlight picked it up in her mouth. “We will shee you later I guess?”
“Yep.” Magnus nodded. “We will distract the Changelings, so you and your team go free your friends.”
The four looked at each other, before dashing out and through a tunnel as the until now unheard buzzing grew louder.
”They are so boned aren't they.” The Emperor said.
“Yep.” Magnus and Guilliman said simultaneously.
”In the words of those shittyquisitors, I hereby issue an Exterminatus.” The Emperor declared. ”Kill any that get near the Throne Room.”
“Yes, Father!” The two nodded, gripping their weapons. Magnus looked at the Emperor. “What will you do, Father?”
”What I always do.” The Emperor said, the room suddenly filled with power. ”Some Third Degree Warp-Fuckery.”
The first Changelings to get near the Throne instantly regretted their decision, and in the next moment felt nothing as they were zapped. Magnus and Guilliman jumped out, yelling battle cries as the Throne Room became the galaxy's biggest bug zapper.
Then the turrets popped out.
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And then the turrets popped out. LOL
Dear Magnus what is your prefered melee weapon
Dear Emperor Why Is abbadon the dispoiler such and asshole
that was hilarious
In the name of Leroy Jankins the ponies will not be harmed this day. This day they will hold the Basseterre of Chuck Norris tale the boss fight cause i don't cheat that much for you.
This is hilarious.... A giant gold church on treads, run on soul power driven by the almighty Emperor himself and running over any and all things in his path. I can't wait to see whats next.
Also
Dear Emperor,
Shouldn't your throne have Souls in the Billions, rather then the Millions?
Sincerely
your ever faithful Servant
will the changlings boot out chrysalis and become butterflies still?
That changeling is lucky the Emperor didn't hear him accuse the Emperor of pushing religion. One can only wonder what horrors would have waited for him.
Time for some macro weapons, hell yeah.
On that thought, no butterfly-lings then huh? Meh~
Dear emporer,
You have heard of goku, correct? He is a Xeno but is all for humanity. What is your opinion of him? (Btw he is a GREAT CQB fighter)
Also, Magnus, hello! I have a question for you. Where is rogal dorn?
INTO THE CHANGELING HIVE, THE THRONE ROOM SMASHED
7686220 Insult to injury, amirite?
Dear o' mighty and wise Emperor
Hey, your left arm got cut off. I guess you can say that you're ALL RIGHT NOW!
~ Some random guy in an argi-world
Please tell me the Lion sneezed.
Dear Lich Emperor,
I thought it was "Fourth Degree Inter-dimensional Warp Fuckery"
With Hate
Paladin
That got me to actually spew my pop outta my nose.
To the Emperor of Mankind: Hope you find a way to get off that throne without Splitting yourself any farther. I'd offer to help, but... I don't think you'd want to sacrifice your purity as a Human... Or at least as the bones of one, no offense.
*Ahem* Anyway, Did your planet have a version of Disney? As in your God Emperor self's world. I mean, with your human origins, there should have been a little bit of Disney here and there... Wonder what you think of Zootopia? Okay, bad idea, since it's about Furries.
Also, what are your thoughts on Cybernetic Enhancement? Or Genetic Engineering, like Cloning or Genetic enhancement such as super soldier serums? I'm not asking you to make them, just asking what your thoughts are on them.
Yours Truly, Veteran Tenno Oberon, Nightwatch Commander and Scrumpy Salesman.
P.S. If some stumpy little green armored man with two masks comes by, don't hurt him. That's just Clem. He can only speak in two words, and that's 'Clem' and 'Grataka'. Don't harm him, just contact me or send him back. And don't worry, he's not an Orc, so he's not going to spawn more of himself with each step.
P.P.S. I'd like to send you a Care package, but I didn't exactly know what you'd want, or even figure out what a decaying yet somehow-still living Skeleton can even work or taste with, so I decided not to send anything. Sorry!
7708601 Dear Prick Who Thinks He Is A Smartass,
Normally I would do Fifth-Degree Warp-Fuckery, but when you are using powers that can give reality the biggest middle finger in the universe on a bunch of bugs that bit off more than they could chew previously, you tend not to go all out, since they are obviously beneath me.
If you ever attempt to correct me again, I will shove a Warp Storm inside of a turkey, which I will then shove up your ass and make you gobble like one.
Sincerely,
The Emperor of Mankind
P.S. In case you were wondering how I managed to send you a reply,
FUCK YOU I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING EMPEROR
Dear Man Emperor of mankind (sort of),
Do you think that your actual favourite son Sanguinius might be in Equestria? I mean his soul could've ended up there and did some noble things like in the Great Crusade and that one time he broken a Bloodthirsters spine over his knee while he's in Equestria.
Do you and your other primach sons think so?
Sincerely, a loyal son of Sanguinius
P.S: Tell him, his sons misses him.
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Dear Emperor
I am currently writing this from my mind don't ask how cause I don't know either. I want to know if you're the motherfucking Emperor then why the FUCK do you give a shit about those FUCKING XENOS! They give my species a bad name.
Sincerely Khyax King of Xenomorphs
Dear Emperor,
WHO THE HELL STOLE MY AXE!?!?!??!?!
From: an annoyed Finnish man
PS: want some dwarven ale? can ye give some to the others as well? *offers a keg of fire ale*
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7799008 yes yes I know....it's the stupid google doc. For some reason, it swaps the bold places. [ / b ] comes before [ b ] to it for some reason, and I haven't had time to fix it.
It also likes to be an ass and put those things on every paragraph or whenever I hit the enter key
My Lord Emperor,
I have joyous news! Our 12 year siege against the "surrendering" heretics has finally ended and we uncovered a large amount of strange green boxes hidden within in a defunct replica of your temple alongside these items in the following list:
1 Chain sword (barely used, but covered in the markings of Khorne)
1 Melta Gun (never before fired)
2 heavy Bolters (both... smell of slanneshi acolytes...)
1 small crate of imperium brand alcohol (unknown what brand)
Three companies worth of a unknown space marines chapter's armor
And a scale replica of the golden throne alongside a full sized replica of you seemingly made out of synthetic flesh and bone. (Unknown purposes... mayhaps whomever operated this temple had to do with the attack on you)
Also hidden deep inside a small locked room in the back we uncovered the... flayed remains of at least 100 to 200 pysker's and Ogryn's.
With utmost respect,
Member of the Blood Raven's Librarium, Librarian Punch
P.S. there was a... false copy of your blade among the item's but we have confiscated that along with a large sum of gold and other items until you can return to recover them.
P.P.S.S Will you please let Magnus Know our Pysker's are enjoying the books they... liberated after a battle with him, they enjoy the knowledge.
Oh and he owes 6,946,235 Imperial Thrones in Back fees for the books and the other items we are holding currently fro... for him.
Dear the greatest bad ass Emperor of Mankind
did you know the ultramarines are on the planet you are on i saw them as i was all of stealing celestia's cakes and luna's video games and console
Ps. by the time you are reading this latter your wander HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET ON THE PLANET WITHOUT YOU SEEING THEM WITH YOUR OPPLSNERF SIGHT 3 words 'THE FUCKING MERCHANT" I think i saw them having a strange device with them that prevents them from seeing you see them with your OPPLSNERF sight
PPSS. they know robot mc shit girly man is alive
PPPSSS. also can you take picture of chrysalis tied up and hanging upside down from the ceiling of the throne room
PPPPSSSS. and i dare you no i triple dog dare you to call celestia and luna molestia and moluna and that i THE SHADOW HAVE TAKEN ALL OF THEIR STUFF AND THROWN THEM INTO VOLCANO MMMUUUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
PPPPPSSSSS. DON'T EAT PINKAMINA'S CUP CAKES THEY HAVE PONIES IN THEM
About time someone mentioned darksouls
In Mother Imperium, you don't find Church. Church find you.
" It's a soul per gallon.” POOOPOOO
and this is what i imagine the [Not]Emperors Church Chair Vehicle to look like
i.pinimg.com/736x/94/42/1a/94421a9cedc71f2a98e120614bef818a.jpg
Dear Emperor of mankind and company,
I have one question for each of you and I am sorry if I make you all angry
To the Emperor: could you please tell the those damn Tech priest to stay the fuck away from my stuff? They are really pissing me off asking for Toasters every day even on my days off!
to Roboute Guilliman: Can the Ultramarines get drunk on some high octane alcohol? (blame Mc Nosehair for this)
To Magnus: what is your favorite book and can I recommend reading about all quiet on the western front?