//------------------------------// // Chapter Thirteen: Corgie Genocide // Story: If The Emperor was in Equestria // by The Warmaster //------------------------------//         “So, what’s going on today Girlyman?” The Emperor asked, imagining himself lounging.         “Well, that purple xenos is supposed to meet with you today for ‘Chatting with The Emperor’ in a few minutes.” Guilliman said, reading off of a list. “Then, after a few hours or so of that, The xeno leader wanted to speak with you over something.”         “Wonder what Sunbutt would need to talk about. I mean, doesn’t that take time away from her cake eating time?” The Emperor asked nonchalantly.         “I’ll have you know that the princess does not spend entire days eating cake, Mr. Emperor.” Sparklebutt stated, trotting inside the throne room.         “If that's what she tells you.” The Emperor imagined himself shrugging. Twilight blinked, before shaking her head.         “Anyway, sorry I’m late,” She began as Magnus walked in. “Ponyville had a random attack from the timberwolves earlier, and-”         “SPACE WOLVES?!” Magnus suddenly shouted angrily. Twilight jumped, staring at Magnus in fear as he suddenly exploded into a giant one eyed demon with a tunic and a book.         “This is why we don’t talk about them. We only say corgies when referring to the W word.” Suddenly Magnus vanished, with a ‘Poof’. “Consider your timbercorgie problem dealt with permanently. Now, what did you want to talk about today?” The Emperor asked, to which Twilight blinked.         “Ummm….what do you mean by ‘it’s solved’...?”         “You’ll hear it in the news eventually.” The Emperor said, ending that topic.         Meanwhile……..         “YOU SEND WOODEN WOLVES AT ME BROTHER?! DO YOU THINK ME A FFFFUCKING WEAKLING? YOU MUST HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER YOU FURRY FUCK!” Magnus roared, setting fire to another one of the wooden wolves.He had already burnt down half a forest’s worth of the things, but he wasn’t done. He then crushed the burning wolf under foot, continuing his mass extermination of anything resembling a canine. Meanwhile, in Ponyville, a white wolf in a suit cowered behind his fancy chair, considering the irony of a counselor needing counseling.         Emperor’s Throne Room           “And that’s what happened at the Crystalling.” Twilight finished.         “You nearly lost an entire kingdom. Because of a fucking little baby horse with wings and a horn.” The Emperor deadpanned. If they listened carefully, they could hear Guilliman smacking his head into the wall nearby.         “You always look to the negative part, don’t you?” Twilight groaned.         “Kinda my job, since you fuckers only look to the positive part. But seriously. An entire fucking kingdom. One baby. You have the worst  ‘No accidents’ chart in the fucking galaxy.”         “At least we aren’t sitting on our rumps all day like a certain someone…” Twilight muttered under her breath, only to get smacked upside the head. Which sent her into the wall.                  “I was wondering when you’d start to get sassy.” The Emperor chuckled.”Still, I am the Motherfucking Emperor and this is my Motherfucking Throne Room so you better give me some Motherfucking Respect am I Motherfucking clear you Motherfucking bitch?” The Emperor stated. Twilight sighed, nodding.         “How you manage to fit six curses into a single sentence is beyond me…” Guilliman stated.         “Shut the fuck up you girly little fucker. I am the Motherfucking Emperor that’s how.” The Emperor stated. “Now shut up and gimme some questions you toilet seat.”         Guilliman sighed, before walking outside for a moment. When he came back, he had a small box full of envelopes. Taking one out, he gave it a read over.         “From the Legion of the Damned, Dear Emperor, If the Legion of the Damned came to assist you in whatever you needed, would you accept their request? I am part of them and know we get shit done when others don't, but I wish to know your thoughts. Sincerely, a Damned Legionnaire.” He looked up at the Emperor. “The fucks a Damned Legionnaire?” He then promptly got a smack on the head.         “No foul language asshat. Anyways, probably. I would definitely like to have a few thousand or so statues of myself on every planet in this system. Or just as a guard if the fucking idiots that called themselves ‘sentient’ try anything funny. Next.” “Let’s see… Deed22 Asks, Dear, Holy God Emperor What would you do if their were Orgryns on the planet? and would you unleash Magnus and Guilliman outside just to annoy the ponies? Sincerly Deeed22.” “For the first question, maybe for entertainment. Second, read the previous events. Next.” “Dragon Dredd asks, Dear Emperor How would you feel if your text-to-speech device got broken and the only form of communication was through Pinkie Pie?” “Do I need to pop a planet?” “Waterpicker asks, Dear Emperor of Mankind, There is a version of yourself in the multiverse that managed to get off golden throne and wreck the chaos gods. He was tricked by his universe's Tzeentch into being sent to another universe turned into that universe's version of Celestia.  What would you do if you met them? Sincerely, a multiverse traveling gryphon.” “First, I’d congratulate him for getting off this fucking golden portapotty. Then I’d kick him until he got me off my throne. Then I’d congratulate him again, then feel bad for him becoming a horse. Next” “Viceroy asks, Dear Emperor, Now that you have Guilliman will you order him to start fixing up your throne room and what ever else that's left of the Imperial Palace? Also, did you fight the Void Dragon on Mars?” “Perhaps. But first I need to get him to repent for his fucking Ultrasmurfs very existence. Next” “Wait what about his second question?” “Next. Question. Toilet-boy.” “Yeesh, fine! Atlas55 asks, Dear Emperor, Have you ever heard of the Fall of Equestria Universe? If you have not, then it is a Universe of Anthro Ponies who have been enslaved and have become Slaves for another Species called the Caribou. If possible, could you shit out a Warp Storm on those Filthy Xeno Slavers and send them back to whatever Hell they came from? ~Your Loyal Follower, Chapter Master, Atlas Atlas55 P.S: I think they are allied with Slaanesh.” “.....Planets have been popped. Your welcome.” “Dear Emperor,                 How does it feel when you use the warp? And my brother Chaos say here have a Chaos kitten which from what he tells me are very psychic and warp immune and are strangely adorable anyways you'll find it in your lap after you're done reading this. Fellow Elder God, Mr. Nightmare P.S. War say thanks for all the Warp storms” “Sorry, this sanctum/Throne Room/Batcave is impervious to all warp travels and shenanigans from anyone except me. Also, going through the warp is like getting a foot shoved up your ass, then while it’s nice and stuck, you start traveling at lightspeed. While the foot is still going at the normal sublight speed. And then your brain gets fucked by a daemon during that process. Next” “Crysos asks, Dear Emperor, I'm writing to you from some kind of an ass of the world. I am a loyalist astartes who survived during Istvaan atrocity alongside with few others. Right now me and a guy from Emperor's Children are stuck on a planet with some multicoloured xenos, that remind me horses from Terra. I hope you could help us a little (send a titan legio for example), because they are sooooooo annoying. Especially pink one. We are out of ammo and use a stick and a power fist as our weapons. Is there a way to get out of here? Please, save us or we will die cause of using powerfist to facepalm. Sincerely, Crysos Morturg, XIV legion” “Why don’t you stop fisting your boyfriend’s ass with that power fist and instead start using it on the fucking xenos you fucking morons. Until you learn that a Power Fist is meant to beat the shit out of things and turn that stick into something actually fucking useful, no supply drops for you. Your fucking Space Marines, not kindergartners. You know how to fucking craft shit. Next”   “Vampony’s Helper asks,  If you encountered a human that was sent to another reality like you were, but was turned into a Tyranid Genestealer, what would you do? If they figured out how to tell the Hivemind to fuck off, how would your reaction change?” Guilliman also glanced up. “There’s also a bunch of...what would you call it? Pointless exposition?” “There’d also be a few ‘bullshits’ in there but yeah. As for how to react… bugspray. And I also know there’s fucking bugspray on this planet.” “Casual Reader asks, Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind Are you going to send the pony inquisition/ecclesiarchy to the Warp, like one of your alternative selfs did? Also, is it possible to a Time Lord revert you to your original self, even using a procedure like Davros tried? a Casual Reader EDIT: For clarification, Davros tried to steal Doctor's energy when the latter was donating some, for a act of pity for Davros. And Davros is the creator of the Daleks. Also, dear Emperor, is it possible that a great emergency allows you to return to life proper, like triyng to disarm a Dalek Reality Bomb? All your fragments would be unified instantly just trying to get it offline. Thanks again for your time, my Liege.” “Don’t you think I would have caused a horrific event to occur if it could get me off this fucking throne by now? And I thought Magnus already gave the Inquisition the fuck off.” “From anonymous, dear corpse emperor i wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of you imminent demise if your curious about the frequency of which i've send these letters its merely to instill as much fear as i can as if basting a turkey which i will then proceed to have sex with thats right i'm going to fuck the fear turkey follow me on twitter at @thecrimsonfuckr sincerely alucard” “Try me you little bitch. And then, once you're dealt with, I think i might send that Integra bitch a little gift.” “Okay, next question! …..So Emperor, you ever skip on leg day?” The sound of ten thousand souls being snuffed out by an explosion that could only be described as ‘Huge-ass fucking explosion’ went unheard by everyone. “Fuck. You.” “Okay, I think that’s enough questions for now! Let’s not pop a planet today Father..” Guilliman said, putting the rest of the questions away for now to try to calm down his Father. “Why do I feel like we forgot something…..” Meanwhile         “RAAAAA….Huh?” Magnus said,  reverting back to his human...ish form. “What happened? Where am I?” Then a bunch of equines jumped him.         “You are under arrest for mass genocide!”