I went to Comicon as the Emperor. I get sent to Equestria. IN THE GOLDEN THRONE!
(This is a Displaced Story. If you hate them, please leave) People don't know how agonizing it is being alone for a few thousand years, stuck in a chair the whole time. Let me tell you, it's not fun. Then, this teeny weeny 'Princess' shows up and acts like she's the boss. Oh, and Sparklebutt is there too.
So, how did this happen? It's was probably that angsty Merchant asshole. Should never have bought from him. News flash kids: when a creepy Merchant guy walks up to you with very desirable wares, walk the fuck away. It's a damn trap.
But the worst part of my endless torment? I'm a fucking corpse sitting on a golden throne, writhing in agony as I slowly decay into nothingness.
I was sitting on my throne, content with my life. The sun had just been raised, and it was going to be a beautiful day. Then the guard burst in.
"Your highness! I'm sorry to interrupt, but we found something under the castle!" He reported, giving me a salute. I sighed, before putting down my morning coffee and getting up.
"Alright, lead the way." I ordered, and he nodded, before turning back and walking down the halls. I followed, and he led me to the bottom of the castle, in it's basement. A hole was broken in one section of the dark and damp room. Inside was a hallway, small, but made out of pure gold. I walked forward, my guards flanking me, as I stared at the Grand hallway.
When we arrived at the end of the hallway, we were greeted by the rotting corpse of a bipedal creature sitting on a golden throne, with golden skulls decorating it, and faded parchments lined the stairs. I stared at it in awe, the sheer beauty of it enthralling. Then something sounded out.
"Abo-abo- ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I was wondering how long it would take for someone to find me in this damn mountain. Wait. Are you a horse? Sigh. Guess I'll have to wait another millenia." A deep voice echoed. I jumped back, startled. I searched around the room for the source of the voice, but could not find anything. My gaze fell back to the skeleton.
"He....Hello?" I asked, and the voice spoke back.
"Wait. You speak? A horse? Oh this is just wonderful. I'm on a planet of talking horses. What next, a world of sentient shit?"
"Uh, what's wrong with my species?" I asked, a glare settling on my face.
"I was hoping for a human, but I guess you will have to do. Now then, as for greetings, ahem. Hello, I'm The Emperor, and welcome to my golden home of nothingness. Now, you have one minute to explain who you are before I shit out a Warp storm over this planet." The voice replied, and I raised an eyebrow.
"I am Princess Celestia, Co ruler of the nation of Equestria. I demand you show yourself at once!" I answered, gazing around the room.
"First of all, is it not obvious? I'm the fucking skeleton on the throne. And also, you? Order me? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But no, seriously, you can't tell me to do shit. Then again, I literally can't do anything. Sigh." The skeleton laughed, and I stared at it in horror.
"What?! But how can a skeleton think?! How can it talk for that matter?!" I asked, confused.
"To tell you the truth, I have no idea. But this damn throne keeps me alive, so I have to suffer through this. Also, there's an unbearable itch on my nose. Don't know how that works either." The Emperor replied.
"Well, I see we will need to have this conversation another time, as much as I want some answers. I suppose it will have to wait until I can get my fellow princesses. Goodbye for now." I said, and turned away.
"Wait. At least leave me someone to talk with. I have been stuck here with no one to talk to for thousands of years. It gets very boring and lonely here." The Emperor said. I sighed, then motioned to one of my guards.
"Arrow Breaker, please stay and keep him company until I return. I have important things to do." I ordered, and the pegasus nodded before turning back to the throne.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Arrow Breaker's POV
I look up at the skeleton. "So, what's up?" I asked.
"I have so much to complain about. First of all, why am I here? Second, why is only one of my eyes like his? Third...." He droned on as I facehoofed. This was going to be a long day.....
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Luna's POV
I sighed as somepony knocked on the door. I slowly got up out of bed and crawled over to the door. I opened it, and looked up to see Celestia staring at me.
"Sis....why art thou waking us at this time of day?" I asked, groggy.
"Luna, I have just discovered an unknown alien creature down in the basement. We need to gather you and the Element Bearers. Now." She answered, pulling me up off the floor with her magic. I stared at her quizzically.
"An alien? But sis, why would an alien take residence in our basement?" I questioned. She shrugged.
"I take it he was there since before the castle was made. He said he was stuck in there for millennia. But come on. We got to get Princess Twilight and her friends. They are more well equipped to handle a first greeting. Now get your flank up and get moving!" She replied, shaking me around in the telekinetic field surrounding me.
"Fine! Fine! I'm awake!" I shouted, and she released me, resulting in me plopping onto the floor. She smiled.
"Good. Now then, let's go." I followed her out the door and into the halls.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Twilight's POV
"Twilight! A letter from the Princess!" Spike called, and I looked over at him.
"She hasn't sent me a letter in a while. Wonder what this is about?" I asked myself, before trotting down the hall to his room. I still hadn't gotten used to this castle, though the giant tree in the main room did make it a bit....homier. I looked into Spike's room to see him holding a letter in front of me,
"Let's see..... Dear Twilight....yada yada.... I require you at Canterlot at once.... a new species was discovered?! Oh boy, a first encounter! Spike, let's get the girls. The princess wants us to greet a new species!" I shouted in glee. Spike rolled his eyes, before following me out the door.
"Princess Celestia, we came as fast as we could!" Me and my friends burst into the throne room. Celestia turned and greeted us eagerly.
"Welcome, Twilight and friends. I have brought you here today because earlier in the morning, our guards discovered a extra room in the basement. Inside was a glorious room, and at the center sat the decayed corpse of a alien life form." Celestia explained. Applejack tilted her head.
"What? So ya brought us all th' way up 'ere, just so we could see some dead alien?" She asked. Celestia sighed.
"If only it were so. The thing is, this 'decayed' body is still alive. And it can speak to us through some sort of speech device. Follow me. It is easier to see than to explain." She then led us down a bunch of stairs to what I presumed was 'the basement'. To the left there was a glowing hole, and two voices could be heard. We glanced inside, to see a glorious room made out of pure gold. (I ain't explaining it again)
At the middle was a pony guard wearing a pointy golden helmet.
"You will remove the headgear at once, you pathetic pony." A deep voice rumbled.
"Or what? You're a corpse sitting on a throne! You ain't gonna do shi-" The guard was interrupted as a force of energy blew into his side, causing him to go flying into the wall, the helmet clattering to the ground.
"Don't even make that reference. And also, I'm the Motherfucking Emperor. When I want something done, it better damn well be done. Oh look, it's the Princess again. Please tell your dumb guard it's not nice to dig around other people's armor sets. Thanks. Oh, and who are these? More angsty little ponies to torment my soul? Perfect. Just fucking perfect." The skeleton practically groaned.
"Well, Mr. 'Emperor', this is Princess Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship. She will be asking you some questions." Celestia replied, gritting her teeth.
"Oh? A new little watchman? Good. I was getting tired of this one real fast. Especially when he went through my things without asking. So, Sparklebutt, what questions you got for me?" The Emperor asked.
"Well, I was just going to ask where you came from, what was your home like, why are you a decayed corpse, the usual." I replied, my teeth also grinding.
"Well, first questions a long answer. Gather round kiddies, papa Emperor is going to tell you a story." The skeleton joked.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Flashback to ten million years before
I had just gotten to the Comicon, dressed up as the Emperor. Timeskip to when it was important.
I had been walking around, looking at the wares, when this creepy looking vendor guy walks up to me, and leads me back to his little shop. He says, "Care to look at my wares?" And after a few moments of looking, I find this really epic sword replica of The Emperor's blade. So, I buy it, I fall through an agonizing tunnel, see the Multiverse in all it's glory, wake up feeling nothing but unbearable pain in this throne. And then I wait for a few thousand years until Celly over there finds me. The end.
"Well, that was.... interesting, to say the least. Thank you. Now, as for the other questions?" I ask.
"Nope. You get one story per day. I won't answer your questions until tomorrow. However, you're going to stay here and tell me about all I've missed over the years." The Emperor replied. I groaned. Oh well, at least I get to talk about history....
Then Pinkie Pie burst into his face.
"Hi I'm Pinkie Pie and it's soooooo good to meet you Mr . Emperor! I need to think about the 'Welcome to Equestria' party as soon as possible! So, I need to ask you questions about all of your hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc.!" She rambled.
"Woah. Woah. Calm your head Pinks. I know I'm the Emperor and all, but how the hell did you manage to burst up in front of my face like that?" The Emperor asked.
(Sigh, this is going to be difficult)
"Well then maybe you shouldn't make this part, asshole. And make sure to get my personality right, or I'm shoving a Warpstorm up your ass." The Emperor said to no one in particular.
(Aaaaannnd fuck he can hear me.)
"You're damn right I can hear you. Now stop commenting on my actions and get to work." The Emperor replied, again to no one in particular.
"Hold on a second!" Pinkie exclaimed, suddenly right next to me as she held a hoof up. "You can hear the voices too? So I'm not crazy! Isn't that great Jesus?"
"Well shit. I've met another being with the capabilities of fucking with the fourth wall. I am happy. If only I had my Centurion with me....." The Emperor said. I facehoofed.
"Can we please get back on track?!" I asked. Pinkie nodded. "This is gonna be my whole day isn't it." I muttered under my breath. And I began the tale of Equestria's history.....
"So let me get this straight. You imprisoned a creature with the powers of reality with the essence of friendship?" The Emperor asked. I nodded.
"Sigh. Fucking women. I swear, this is like a girls TV sho...............fuUuuuUck." the Emperor stopped suddenly.
I looked at him quizzically. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"...... I don't want to live on this planet anymore. But I'm forced to. Sigh. So, what happened after? What evil villain came next?" He replied, possibly being sarcastic.
"Well, after the princess's set up a country, we then met the Crystal Empire, led by King Sombra." I told him.
"That guy must have had awful parents." The Emperor said.
Ignoring him, I continued. "After a few years, Sombra went mad with power, and enslaved the Crystal Ponies there. When Celestia and Luna went to stop him, he removed himself and the Crystal Empire from existence." I said.
"You let a guy who had a name like that rule, and when you finally noticed he was evil, you couldn't do shit? I would have killed him immediately. I mean, fuck. S-O-M-B-R-A. Probably got beat up a lot in schools, and when he was king, decided to make everyone's life sucked as much as possible." The Emperor replied.
I gasped at him. "Kill?! But that's a crime against life!" I said, shocked.
"Fucking peace-loving horses. Life is all about killing. The Vegetarian species eat grass, the Carnivore species eats the Veggie, the Carnivore shits out what's left of the Herbivore, and the grass eats the shit that's left over to grow. The circle of fucking life. Really, I'm surprised your species has survived so long. I definitely wouldn't expect them to be the dominant race. At least you aren't religious assholes." The Emperor stated. I looked anywhere but at him.
"Yeah, about that.... we worship Celestia and Luna as deities." I said slowly.
"Sigh. I should have fucking known. Damn asshole psykers." The Emperor cursed.
I tilted my head. "What? What's a psyker?" I asked.
"You mean you don't know what a psyker is? Damn. I would have thought you would at least know that much. I bet there's some sort of Pony Inquisition keeping that shit private in the Spam Filters." He replied. "For one, you are a psyker. You use the Warp for everything, and call it fucking magic."
"What's 'the warp'?" I asked. "It's the Warp. I ain't gotta explain shit. Now, tell me what happened next." He replied, and I began the tale of Nightmare Moon....
There was actual steam coming out of the Emperor's ear area.
"Umm, are you alright?" I asked.
The steam vanished.
"Yes. I'm just Absolutely Livid right now." He replied, his eyes bursting into light at the word 'absolutely'.
"Wh-why?" I asked.
"Simple. Your angsty ass princess saw it fit to send her younger sister to the fucking moon just because she might have been having a bad day. Or was on her period. Whichever. Oh, and then, not only does she remove almost all history relating to her sister, she proclaims complete leadership of the entire country. She also makes up a damn children's bedtime story about her sister, and saying of how she's evil and all that bullshit. I mean, it was just a single day. So what if the moon stayed out a little longer? Nothing would change. And now, Celestia is worshipped as a goddess. Fucking Inquisitorial Spam Filters. It's time to make myself known to this shitfest of a country you got here. I want you to record everything I say, then send it to the closest newspaper company you can find. I want this fucking sent all over Equestria by the end of the day. No Inquisitorial Spam Filter will stop my knowledge from getting out." The Emperor ranted. I sighed, pulling out a piece of paper and a quill.
"Hello, ponies of Equestria. My name is The Emperor. I have been living underneath Canterlot mountain since this rock you call a planet was still mostly molten magma. I stopped paying attention to it after the seventeenth millennia after it was born. When I get back, what do I find? A bunch of crazy horses who worship their princess like a god. Religion is not the way to go. I have seen what that crap does to countries. Tears them apart, that's what. Religious Wars turned family against itself, and nearly killed my species. There is no 'god' or 'goddess' in this universe. There is only strange Magic and science. So, go sit down and rethink your life for a day or so." The Emperor spoke. I scribbled each word down, and, nodding to the Emperor, ran off to deliver it.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Emperor POV
"Sigh. Why does every species I come across always have a damn religion. Hell, I leave my own species alone for a couple thousand years, and they became a bunch of asshole religious people who wasted valuable resources on simple luxuries. Or just blowing up the whole planet because it didn't give them it's shiny shit." I stated.
"Wow. What brilliant insight." The pony guard, who stubbornly stuck around, said.
"You're still here? Sigh. I wish I had my Centurion." I groaned.
"I could be your Centurion." He offered.
"I will set you on fire with my mind and take pleasure in watching you burn to ashes." I told him. He backed away quickly.
"Uh, my lord, the newspaper." The servant said, hoofing the paper over to his lord.
"What is it now? I'm busy making this asshole go bankrupt for not giving me his shiny shit." The Mare on the massive throne replied, before levitating the paper over with her magic. She quickly read through it, before snarling, the paper bursting into flame.
"So, Emperor, I'm back from my newspaper thing! And also, here." I dump a pile of paper on the floor.
"What's this?" He asked.
"Oh, just a few questions everypony had for you. Here, let me read some to you.
"This first one is from.....Spartan889. He asks, What will you do if the Ultramarines find you? Wait, what's an Ultramarine" I asked in confusion.
"Honorable Battle-Brother! Did you hear the news?" One of the blue warriors asked. "We have found The Emperor once again, and are being sent to retrieve him! Surely, this will continue to prove the honor of the Ultramarines!"
"Indeed, honorable battle brother! After all.... the greatest of them all.... ARE THE ULTRAMARINES!" The other one replied.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Back with the Emperor "I just had a sudden sense of dread. Fucking Smurfs. If I even sense them ten sectors from here, I'm sending a Warp storm their way. See how long they fucking last." The Emperor groaned.
"Um, that doesn't explain much...." I told him.
"They are a bunch of overzealous pricks who think that they are better than everyone else. Just like their prick father, my asshole son Roboute. I always hated him. I wonder if he's still alive.." He replied, muttering under his breath. Even though that's physically impossible.
"Ok, next question! SephReunion123 asks, Dear Emperor, How comfy is your chair?
"How the hell did he know I'm in a chair? What ponies did you get these from?" He asked. I shrugged my shoulders.
"Sigh. Anyways, It used to be comfy, but then I decayed into a skeleton. Throughout that time, every muscle I had cramped, and the Phantom pain still remains. Plus, it's a solid gold chair. Kinda a pain in the tailbone. Next." The Emperor replied.
"Let's see.... From Hard Cider. So will this guy need hundreds of psyker sacrifices to sustain his powers or is he good? Wait, first of all what's a psyker? And second, why would you need hundreds of sacrifices?" I ask.
"Psykers are assholes with powers over the warp. My throne used to need it to keep me alive, but now it apparently feeds off of the planet's core. Next." The Emperor replied
"Shadowsinthedark asks Will the planet explode if you leave your throne? Wait what." I deadpanned.
"I don't think it will explode. However, I bet a massive geyser of magma will shoot up, turning this mountain into a volcano. Next."
... How many warp storms will it take for you to F**k up the ponies?
P.S Will Papa Smurf* and the Custodes be joining this universe? (How will it happen? F**k it if I know but i'll accept anything!)
"For the first one, just one. One third of their population is a bunch of Asshole Psykers, so they are fucked. As for the second, if Roboute is in this universe, I will find him and remove his soul. I miss my Custodes. Except the other ones. Those things were an eyesore. Oh well. At least it can't get any worse."
"Hey, look what I found!" I turned to see the pony guard in a massive suit of armor.
"Dammit universe. You just had to let him find the babycarrier. Sigh. Next."
"Actually, that's all for now. I need to process this new information..." I walked off.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Emperor's POV
"I should have destroyed that baby carrier the moment I saw it. Oh well. I wonder what game Tzeentch has planned for Game Night?" I muttered.
Meanwhile, in the Room of the Grand Equestrian Council....
"So, I think we should ban all trains for transport except for royalty..." an old stallion with a very raspy voice started.
"Who am I again?" An equally old mare asked.
"Now hold on a second....my troops need those trains for weapons and food" a third elder, a Stallion Earth Pony, argued, staring at the first one.
"Perhaps if you were all unicorns you could just teleport to wherever you wanted to be." An elder Unicorn Stallion remarked.
"Eahhh shut it Starswirl." The mare groaned.
"If you were a Unicorn, Mareiton, you could magically make me shut up." The other, Starswirl, replied. Before she could reply, the doors burst open.
"Okay, what the hell was up with the newspaper yesterday?" A much younger, though still adult, unicorn stallion in a semi pointy hat, which his horn jutted out of, asked, stalking up to the group of old geezers.
"Pippers, hush! We are having a very important discussion on banning the trains!" The first Elder replied, staring at the stallion, now identified as Pippers.
"That's the fiftieth time you've had that argument this year alone!" Pippers roared.
"Ah, shut it pointy hat." The Elder remarked.
"It's not pointy! That's just my horn!" He groaned. "Anyway, I want to know who the hell sent that message on the newspaper? This is obviously a very terrible prank, and whoever did it is probably going to get killed by those Inquisition morons."
"...We have a newspaper?" All four elders asked. Pippers facehoofed.
"Well, if you don't know who did it, then who does?" Pippers asked.
"Oh wait I remember." Pippers's face lit up with hope. "I AM THE LAW!" Then his face fell once again.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ The Emperor's POV
"By the way, where are the rest of the guard? I've only seen that disappointment over there." I asked, looking at the guard. He stopped what he was doing, which was messing with a possible nuclear explosive, and looked up in fear.
"Oh, you don't want to meet them right now. Most are recovering from Changeling Invasion a few months back." The Guard said quickly.
"....Bring some of them here." I ordered, a small spark of fear at what I was about to see burning it's way throughout my bones. He sighed, before walking out of the room.
"If they are what I think they are, your dead to me Kirito." I said to the Author.
Oi, shut up and get back to the story! Or else!
"Or else what? I can story hop you know." I shot back, and sensed his fear.
No, no you wouldn't dare!
"I would and you know it. Get back to writing!" I yelled, and sensed him get back to work like the monkey he is.
This entire conversation was in my mind.
"Well, here they are..... The Guard, who if I remember correctly was named Arrow something, muttered. Four of the most hideous ponies in the multiverse knocked him out of the way, gazing up on me. They were so disturbing I couldn't go into detail without a Slaanesh++ rating on this story.
"I fucking hate you Kirito." I said out loud.
"Well well, if it isn't the Glorious Emperor we all have heard about. And I must say, the amount of energy coming from those bones makes my oiled body quiver in excitement." One of the abominations said.
"Might as well play the part." I thought to myself. "What in the name of Holy Terra on a highway is this?!"
"We are the Four of the Seven captains of the Royal Guard, and I must say, it is a honor to meet you, Emperor." One of them said in a disturbing and to females, arousing voice. I noticed he was moving his body in a very suggesting way.
"Ok, I've seen enough. Goodbye chucklefuckers." With a thought, I mentally grabbed them and threw them out the door. I made sure to close said door, and firmly lock it. All 27 locks.
"Thank the universe that's over with. I doubt I could have survived any more exposure to such a horrendous sight." I said.
"Yes, indeed. However, now I and Princess Twilight are now trapped in here with you, and with no food or water to survive on." Arrow said, slightly irritated. In response, I magic'd a root beer float into existence in front of him. He stared at it, then smiled.
"I could get used to this." He said, and dug in.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Celestia's POV
After the news leak of the Emperor's existence, millions of questions had begun piling in. I had spent the last twenty four hours with Luna sorting through them. It got boring after question 276.
"Your highness, the Emperor has locked the door to his room, with Princess Twilight and Arrow inside it." Somepony said. I looked up to see the bane of my existence, the captains of the guard, staring down at me.
"Then get her out." I muttered, and went back to shuffling through the questions.
"We tried. The room exists on a different plane of magic, and is unreachable by means of teleportation." They replied, and I groaned.
"Fine, I'll see to it." I told them before getting up.
"So, what has happened in recent events?" The Emperor asked. I looked up at him.
"Well, today the guards caught a red unicorn with one eye trying to get into the castle. The stallion hasn't spoken since his capture, and in said capture, he managed to brutally defeat about thirty guards single hoofedly before getting captured." I told him, remembering all the broken bones and black eyes as the guards carried the strange stallion to the prison.
"Sounds interesting. Bring him here." The Emperor ordered. I looked at him in shock, my mouth hanging open.
"What?! You want to meet him?! Why!" I practically screeched.
"Because he sounds familiar, and because I haven't seen anyone except you, Arrow, Celestia, your friends, and those highly disturbing guards. I need something else to look at." He replied.
"But..." I said, before sighing. "Fine..... I'll go get him...." I muttered, before walking away.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Emperor's POV
"So, Emperor! I was digging around all those papers Twilight brought in a while ago, and found some more questions for you!" Arrow said, holding a sheet of paper in his hooves.
"Might as well." I muttered.
"Alright! Let's see here....
Amethyst Blade asks,
Emperor, why don't you just use you incredible power to come back now and show these ponies your glorious light, your female magnet physique and mighty flaming sword of mightiness? I haven't seen you mentioned anything demonic in the Warp. You should use this opportunity before they are aware.
"To answer Amethyst, I haven't gotten out of this throne yet because my power is currently divided and also busy out in the multiverse, spreading my great wisdom to all the assholes out there. It's still regenerating, and I won't be off this thing for a few months. Or maybe years. Whichever comes first. And I'll explain the Daemonic stuff later. Next." I replied.
Hey Emperor have you meet any displaced yet? If you have don't feed them after midnight."
"I myself have not. My soul shards, who have had nothing better to do except scour the multiverse to spread my wisdom, however, probably have. Next."
"Manual Control asks:
So Emperor... Have you met Discord yet?"
"No, but I want to. He sounds like a fun dude." Arrow looked at me, his eyebrow raised.
"Huh. This guy's name has been redacted.... oh well. He asks: Dear Emprah, Does ur dick still work?
"I'm a fucking skeleton who has been decaying for millions of years. All my muscles are fucking dead, but leaving shadow pains that hurt like hell. I am pretty sure my dick eroded away completely in the year 666 of my time here. Next." Just as arrow was about to say the next question, Twilight trotted in, with five guards surrounding a bright red unicorn in chains. A ring was stuck to his horn, and his eyes were blindfolded.
"Here he is!" Twilight said, presenting the pony. He growled, and the ring around his horn glowed, before exploding, knocking everypony away from him. When the dust settled, it revealed Magnus in his humanoid form.
"NO PATHETIC EQUINES CAN HOLD ME! Where the hell am I...... I swear, by Tzeentch, I will boil you pathetic equines in your own armor!" He roared.
"They...caught Magnus?! That is very shocking." I said, trying to contain my laughter.
"Father? FATHER?! THE CORPSE EMPEROR, MY FATHER-" Magnus growled.
"Yes yes, stop yelling so fucking loudly you Daemonic good-for-nothing book raping shitnugget." I muttered, and he growled again, his one eye seething with rage.
"How DARE you! I am at the peak of all psychic might-" He growled.
"Where the hell have I heard this before?" I asked, thinking back to the series.
"Lord Tzeentch has blessed me with powers unimaginable by mere mortals!" He boasted.
"Oh right, it was that one episode. Anyways, shut the fuck up with your empty bravado Magnus. I can sense your power strength, and it's pretty damn weak. Not to mention the fact that your 'Power' wasn't enough to stop a bunch of stupid pony guards from overwhelming you like those Ultramsmurfs. Does your power only work when you fuck something up?" I asked.
"Stop mocking me! I'm just a bit drained from the effort of breaking into this accursed dimension. You never did anything but look down upon me for my powers-" He raged, but before he could continue, I stopped him.
"I already know what you're about to say, so let's just skip to my part. You have never been in control of anything since the moment you met Tzeentch. He played with you like a puppet, didn't he. The moment you met him, you lost. He's been feeding you dirt this entire time. That boy ain't good for you, son." I told him lazily, mentally groaning from this meeting.
"I HAVE BEEN THE MASTER OF MY OWN DESTINY SINCE TZEENTCH FIRST CONTACTED ME!" He roared, and I sensed his flashback.
"While he is busy in his memory, I'm going to explain to the others about him." I told the audience, and forced a time warp.
××××××××××××× After convincing Magnus about Tzeentch's lies and shit.
"You feel really stupid right now, don't you." I stated, looking down at him.
"Yeah... so, father, how exactly did you get to this dimension? I felt your presence out here while studying the Warp." He asked.
"Truth be told, Magnus... I'm not the Emperor." I told him.
"That's impossible. Of course your The Emperor! You are a skeleton, you've got the immense power, the same personality, of course your him!" Magnus scoffed.
"Look closer Magnus." I told him. He looked at me quizzically, before staring at me for a few minutes.
"What? I don't see anything except your normal...self.... what's this?" He asked.
"That would be my old self. I used to be a random human from the 21st century, until some creepy ass merchant came up and sold me some shit that turned me into this. I am nearly an exact copy of the Emperor, but I am not him." I explained.
"Well shit. I don't have enough power to get back to my universe, so I'm stuck here. With the false Emperor." He grumbled. Suddenly, with a pop. He returned to his pony state.
"Son of a.... Why do I keep getting turned into a damn equine?!" He roared.
"They are the sentient species of this universe. I guess it saw your weakened state and turned you into one. Oh well."
"Well, this family reunion has been fun and all, but we need to bring Magnus back to his cell." Twilight interrupted.
"No. He will stay with me." I ordered.
"But he is a criminal! He assaulted a group of guardsmen!" She shouted.
"After they tried to arrest him. He was defending himself, and plus, he's technically my son. He stays with me." I said, before shoving them out the door.
"Oh, Emperor, also, one last question!" Arrow spoke up.
"What is it?" I asked.
What happens if there's a Unyuufex living in Equestria?"
"The equines will all die, thinking it's harmless." I replied.
“Orks, orks, orks, orks, orks.” I sing to myself as I’m walking around the forest looking for something to eat. I was about to go down this interesting looking cave when I saw a portal open up right under my feet. Wait, Oh HELL!
Meanwhile, in another universe…
“So, instead of sending her ass back to the moon, you ‘purified’ her? Damn peace loving ponies. I hope one day your species meets another one that can't be solved by your stupid Elements, and can finally teach you that friendship is not always the answer to your problems.” The Emperor said, and Twilight huffed.
“Well, when that day arrives, we'll be ready for it. And we will teach that species the power of friendship, just you watch!” She replied, before a portal popped into existence.
“WAAAAAAAAAAHG!?” Yelled a something loud as it slammed into the stone floor. “Ow… I think I broke me asses…” Said a large Ork as he slowly get back on to his feet.
“Ah, universal judgment. I love you sometimes. You sent me an Ork to teach these stupid equines a lesson? Brilliant as always.” The Emperor said cheerfully. The Ork just looked at him dumbly as it tried to understand where he was.
“Okay… Talking Horse is one thing, but being sent to the bloody Emperor. Now that just taking the meek.” Said the Ork as he tried to clean himself off.
“A slightly self conscious Ork that doesn't immediately attack the first living thing it see’s? I've seen everything now.” The Emperor said.
“Oi, sod off you git! I was human thak ya very much. But seeing as I’m stuck here mind telling me what going on?” Asked the Ork as he looks around.
“Ah, that explains it. Well, I was just telling this one that not everything can be stopped with friendship and rainbows, and that someday a species that is resistant will murder them all, and now you're here.” The Emperor explained.
“Oh, them ya I’ve had an run in with them lot. And dat one.” He said as he points his power kalw at Twilight. “Yoo have any idea wat it like to run all over the forest just to get attack by yoo lot, it a pain in the asses dat wat it iz!”
She stared at the Ork in confusion and terror. “Um, what? I don't know who you are….” She said, slightly dazed.
“Oh now yooz want ta know? well I’ll tell ya! I’m an Ork, my name is Tom and yooz all piss me off!” Tom yelled before slamming his power kalw into the floor. “Allz I want iz ta be left alone but nooooo! I’m, big and scary, that must mean I’m evil well SOD Yooz ya soft skined grot herders!”
“Couldn't have said it better. If I wasn't in this DAMN throne, they would probably be cowering in fear at me. And then I'd either brainwash the masses into thinking that they are weak, or I'd kill them all.” The Emperor chuckled. Somehow.
Tom now took the time to really look at the Emperor. “Wait, are yooz. Sorry you are not the real Emperor are you?” He asked looking at the man that was nothing but bones on the throne.
“Of course I am, and I've been able to talk the whole time, just didn't choose to. Of course I'm not him. I was a human like you, then got sent to here as the Emperor. With the personality of ‘If the Emperor had a text to speech device’. Though, really. Can you blame me?” The Emperor scoffed.
“Oh! I love dat show.” Said Tom with a big smile showing off all his fangs and tusks.
“Yeah, well at least you aren't the one sitting on this damn throne. Trust me, if you had been in my place, you would have wanted off this damn thing from the first second.” The Emperor replied snarkily.
“Hmmmm.” Tom hummed as he walks around the throne. “You know I used to be a mechanic before being sent to all this crazy stuff. Maybe I can work something out so you can move at least.” Said Tom as he poked a cable.
“As long as you don't put me in that stupid baby carrier, I'll be fine.” The Emperor said, so, how making everyone look to where the dreadknight sat.
“Okay father I’m back and just so you know I am not going to deal with these-” Magnus stopped what he was about to say once he saw the ork nob in the room.
“Magnus, do NOT, under any circumstances, attack this ork. He was a human, the poor soul. He's like me. If you attack him, I will slap you until your face is redder than the sun.” The Emperor warned.
“BAHAHAHAHA! Look at yooz! Yoo look like a horsey!” Tom said as the ork rolled about on the floor laughing.
“Why you pathetic little- HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME!!” Magnus roared, energies crackling around him, before getting hit in the face by a phantom fist.
“Oh no I made da little horsey mad, here, here have a carrot!” Said Tom as his Power klaw rested on his gut as he laughed again.
“Tom, I wouldn't if I were you. That is the Actual Magnus from the Text to speech device series.” The Emperor warned.
“Wat? you’re kidding… Right?” Asked Tom as he looks between them. “Oh Zog me…”
“Nope. He found me after following a power source that looked like the Emperor's to here, and used up most of his energy in the process of breaking universe law.” The Emperor replied.
“Wait, so does that mean that the Tyranids mite show up here one day to?” Asked Tom with a little worry in his voice as he looks around the room for an exit.
“I wouldn't worry about it. It's a long way to and from that universe to this one. Plus, this area of the multiverse has powerful protectors. I barely even managed to slip past them.” Magnus replied.
“Like what?” Asked Tom as he saw the main doors to the throne room open.
“It's about time you managed to get past that spell, Celestia. Do not attack the green guy or I will place another lock on this room, more powerful as well.” The Emperor said. That when a strange music start playing as three ponies land into the room with helmets on and silk around there bodys.
“My Emperor it took us years to find you but do not worry for we are here!” Said one of the three ponies Custodes.
“......Oh dear Me not this mental torture again.” The Emperor groaned.
“Oh Zog the horror…” Said Tom as he covers his eyes with his hand. “I can’t look it just… To much. Wait why the purple horse blushing?”
“Because this is pretty much like the Custodes from my universe.” Magnus said, groaning. Meanwhile Twilight was busy trying to control her wings.
“Soooo, da Twats?” Asked Tom as the three Custodes do back flips and land in front of the Emperor’s throne.
“How the hell did you three get past the barrier?” The Emperor practically groaned.
“Oh you mean those cute little kittens we walked past on the way here? oh that was easy. We asked them to open the barrier for us.” Said the Custodes who looked like he had frying pans on his chest.
“Fucking incompetent equines. Can't do their jobs right. I specifically said NO ONE WAS ALLOWED IN.” The Emperor grated.
“Well we did say it was our job to take care of you my mighty liege. Why what would happen if we weren't here to clean your glorious form.”
“I get the feeling these three need to get lady, badly.” Said Tom giving the Custodes a deadpan stare.
“I don't need you to clean my bones! I don't need anybody to take care of me!” The Emperor groaned.
“Ha! that what she said!” Yells Tom with a laugh.
“Quiet you.” The Emperor chided.
Tom rolled his eyes and then noticed all the weapons and power armour in the back. “Cool… I call dibs!” He said as he ran to the pile of weapons.
“I am surprised that they haven't noticed the Ork yet…” Magnus said.
“Oh we have but we still will follow the Emperor's orders even if we want to kill the xeno that dare to walk these holy halls with it’s FILTHY feet.” “I found a Maltagun!” Yelled Tom in joy. “Wounder if it still works?” That when everyone heard a loud vooom and the Ork screaming as he ran around the room and on fire. “MY ASS IS FLAMING!”
“Oh my.” Said one of the Custodes almost sounding like they was enjoying this.
“I am going to go blind at this rate.” The Emperor grumbled. “That's it! Everyone who is not invited and or once a human is to be removed!” The Emperor glowed, before releasing a shockwave that blasted the Custodes out. The door slammed shut behind them, a glowing barrier forming around the doors.
“Was that really necessary? I’m sure they would have left if you just order them to.” Said Magnus as he helped to put the ork out by shooting warp magic at him.
“I have. Ten times. They kept insisting, so I decided to put a barrier. I'm now considering having Celestia put a restraining order on them.” The Emperor sighed.
“Okay… note to self. When ya find a new gun point it away from myself.” Said Tom as he get up. “Oh that reminds me want ta see something cool?” Tom then reached into some kind of backpack that was on his back and start to pull out a large purple camo.
“That it? purple camo… just what in the warp is that going to do?” Asked Magnus sounding annoyed at the orks antics.
“Just watch.” Said Tom and as soon as he put it on, he disappeared.
“Ork tech never ceases to confuse me.” The Emperor sighed.
“WHAT? but that, it’s! HOW IN THE WARP DID HE DO THAT!” Screams Magnus.
“Ork’s think that if it's purple, it's more stealthy. At least, that's what the Emperor told me.” Twilight said.
“And since we’re in a world full of warp magic it most likely that anything a ork believes in will be boosted by the over amount of warp energy around it… Well let just hope we don’t get a ork waagh on this planet.” Explains Magnus as he rubs his face.
“Ta da!” Said Tom as he show up with all kinds of loot most of it being cake.
“Celly’s gonna be mad….” The Emperor said, chuckling.
“She can stuff it, I haven’t had cake in weeks.” Said Tom as he started to eat the cakes.
“Indeed she can. Fat princess.” Magnus replied.
“At least she stays in the castle not like that blue one who after me.” Said Tom as he licks icing off his fingers.
“Luna?” Twilight asked.
“Ya she won’t leave me alone! I don’t even know why she keeps going after me.” The Ork complains as he pulled out what looks like a gameboy from his loot. “Cool.”
“Yeah, she is a bit ‘Chivalry’ like.” Twilight winced.
“Not only dat but she try to kiss me once.” Said Tom as he looks at his loot. “Come to think of it, I’ve had odd dreams of her too…”
“That's a bit too much information. And she is a dream walker. She can move around your dreams.” Magnus said, holding his hand up.
Tom looks at Magnus with large eyes. “Yooz mean…. She can go in me head when I dream? Oh Zog me…” Tom said as he covers his face and dumps his head into his bag of loot.
“Yes, she can. Try putting up Psychic wards around your head, or mental barriers.” Magnes offered.
“Well how’z I sapost ta do dat?” Said Tom but then think about that. “Never mind I’m an ork I’ll think of something.”
Magnus shuddered. “I don't even want to think on what you are gonna think up.”
Tom grinned at Magnus. “I could tell ya.” The ork then start walking up to Magnus with a smile.
“No thanks.” He replied, backing up. As the ork was getting closer.
“It won’t hurt one bit.” Said Tom as he pulled out what looked like a egg whisk mixed with a toaster. “Maybe a little.”
“What the hell is that?!” Magnus said, erecting a force field around himself.
“Dat good keep doing dat!” Laughs Tom as he get closer with his egg whisk.
“Stay away from me, Ork!” Magnus said, accidentally transforming into his human form for a moment.
That when everyone heard a ding and the toaster popped out a glowing cd. “Ha! thanks mate that was really good.” Said time as he pulled the cd out and looked at it.
“You...absolute Bastard….” Magnus said, breathing a sigh of relief.
“You cheeky Dickwaffle!” The Emperor laughed. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
“Wat? did ya think I was going to stick this up yoor bum or something?” Asked Tom as he looks at them.
“Well, yes.” Magnus said.
Tom then laughs as he try to keep from falling over. “HAHAHA! Okay, no you see I made this to stop and store magic and it get suck up into the toster by the whisk and get stored in these cds. Still working out how to use them but still.” Said Tom as he pulled out a marker and start to write on it. He then removed his helmet and put the cd in it on top of other cd’s then put it back on his head.
“Dar! now she can’t get in me head any more.” Said Tom with a big smile. “Now how do I get back home?” He asked looking around the room.
“Probably like this” The Emperor said, before a portal opened up underneath Tom, and he fell through.
“Yoo DICK!” Yelled the Tom as he fill down the portal.
“I'm the mother fucking Emperor. I do whatever the fuck I want.” The Emperor shot back before the portal closed.
“Well that was, new… Wait how do you know you sent him back to the right world?” Asked Magnus as he looks at where the displaced Ork used to be.
“Because Ork smell can be detected even across universes. Plus, he left a trail.” The Emperor replied.
“What do you mean by… Trail?” Asked Twilight in a worrying tone.
“That is for me to know and for you to never find out. You'd first have to learn how to cross the Multiverse.” Was the reply. “Without evaporating.”
“As interesting as this is father, I have to ask. You do have a plan in case the ork left some spores behind right? the last thing we need is a ork Waaagh! Spawning in your throne room.” Said Magnus as he looked around.
“Why do you think I set the floor on fire? With invisible, non equine hurting fire.” The Emperor replied. That when everyone heard a high pitched scream as a small goblin like thing ran across the room.
“Please no kicking!” Screamed the Grot as it ran behind the throne to hide.
The Emperor sighed. “What the fuck. How the hell did this little guy survive? You know what, fuck it.” A portal opened. “Tom! Here's your kid!” The Emperor said as the Grot fell through the portal.
“Wait, didn’t that Ork say he looted the cake from somewhere? won’t that mean there are ork spores all over the castle by now?” Asked Magnus.
It was then that a roar was heard. “EMPEROR!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE THINGS?!” Celestia's voice called out, with sounds of fire and splattering blood echoed throughout the hall.
“Just burn them, Celly! They won't respawn!” The Emperor called back. “Now, what were we doing before Tom showed up?”
Just then Luna came into the room with a grot in her magic grinning from ear to ear. “What are these adorable little things there just so cute!” Asked luna as she hugs the little yellow grot that was trying to get away from the moon princess.
“They are called Grots. If you can round up the rest of the little things before Celestia burns them to a crisp, you can keep them.” The Emperor told Luna.
“Challenge accepted!” Called out Luna as she flew off with the poor grot, who was screaming in fear.
“...You know, I’m not even going to ask HOW she got in here let alone how she can think anything from a Ork can be seen as… cute.” Said Magnus as he rubbed his eye.
“Ponies are weird like that. Best not to think about it.” The Emperor commented.
“Oh well, best we can hope for is that she somehow realizes that seeing the grots as pets is a bad idea. Or she somehow finds a way to control them… Either way it could be fun to find out.” Said Magnus.
“Ponies don't learn. They always preach about their ‘Love and Tolerance’ Bullshit. Anyways, she will probably tame them.” The Emperor replied.
“I think we should all take a break maybe have some tea.” Said Twilight as she started to leave.
“Sure. Except I can't drink. Ah well, I'll see you when you get back.” As soon as the door opens they heard the madness that is the grots running everywhere and Luna trying to chase them as Celestia was trying to stop them.
“Such a sweet sound.” The Emperor sighed as he heard it.
“So, what was the whole Discord Fiasco about?” The Emperor asked. Twilight sighed.
“A few years ago, the Spirit of Chaos, Discord, broke free of his stone imprisonment, and wreaked havoc upon Equestria. Cotton Candy clouds that rained chocolate milk, night turning into day at random, Cola Storms, floating buildings, and worse, such as ponies being turned into their opposites.” Twilight explained, thinking back to that dreadful day.
“What about flooding?” The Emperor asked, causing Twilight to snap back to reality.
“Flooding?” She asked. Magnus groaned.
“The moon controls the tides of the ocean. If it switched places with the sun at random, then the tides would have risen, causing flooding.” Magnus explained, and Twilight scratched her head in confusion.
“I...didn't know that. However, there were no reports of flooding in any of the coastal cities. My friends and I, after going through a maze and becoming our opposites due to Discord's lies and traps, we eventually found the Elements of Harmony-” Twilight explained.
“A Deus Ex Machina is a sort of item that makes sure that a spot in a story or event goes through without problem, or in this case, it fixes everything.” Magnus explained, facehoofing. “Don't you equines ever read?”
Twilight snorted. “Of course we do! We are one of the most advanced and intelligent species in the planet!” She bragged.
“What was the last invention?” The Emperor asked. Twilight nearly tripped.
“What?” She asked.
“What was the last invention?” The Emperor asked again.
“The last invention was…. The Steam Engine.” She answered proudly.
“How long ago was that?” The Emperor asked. Even Magnus was smirking now.
“Fifty years ago…” Twilight answered, unsure of the two’s intentions. Magnus burst out in laughter, followed by the Emperor. “W-What's so funny?!” Twilight snorted, stamping her hoof into the ground.
“Our species, The Human Race, developed the Steam Engine back in the eighteenth century. Every few years, a new invention came out. Your race is so magic dependant that it has stopped inventing, and pretty soon your country will be far outclassed in the Technology department, and then where will your magic be?” Magnus explained.
“Anyways, after you found the Deus Ex Machina set, what happened next?” The Emperor asked, trying to get back on topic.
“Well, we used the Elements of Harmony, but..they didn't work. My friends had been split by Discord's tricks, and our connection to the Elements weakened.” Twilight shook her head.
“So you're Deus Ex Machina failed? That's what you get for being so damn dependant on them.” The Emperor chuckled.
“Well, after Celestia sent me a bunch of my old friendship reports, I remembered what my friends were really like, and using a memory spell, returned them to normal. We used the Elements again, and returned him to stone.” Twilight smirked.
“Still dependant on them.” The Emperor sighed.
“Afterwards, Celestia instructed my friend Fluttershy with reforming him. We set him free, and after a few mishaps, she managed to successfully reform him.” Twilight added. The sound of an invisible facepalm could be heard reverberating across the room.
“Fucking ponies and their damn friendship.” The Emperor cursed.
“So, who was talking about me?” Discord said, sitting next to the Emperor.
“What in the fuck are you?” The Emperor asked.
“That would be my question to you! After all, you just radiate Order. It's really messing up my groove.” Discord said, a red robe encompassing him, and a half circle headpiece adjoining his head.
“Magnus, do you know what this is, or how it got in here?” The Emperor asked, and Magnus sighed before examining Discord.
“Well, Father, he seems to be completely made up of Warp Energy, much like a Daemon. However, it seems….different. Like if he was some sort of Daemon separate from the Warp… but that should be impossible.” Magnus said, hand cupping his chin.
“Oh please, I hate those guys. I separated from the Warp eons ago. Those Chaos Gods were really grumpy all the time.” Discord replied, shaking his lion paw.
“How in Tzeentch's name did you manage to do that?!” Magnus asked, astonished.
“That's my little secret~” Discord taunted.
“No one but me messes with my son. Who in the fuck are you anyway? Malal?” The Emperor asked.
“Oh please, as if I could ever be related to that nonexistent little guy. I'm Discord, Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony!” The Draconequus introduced himself, grinning as he heard the cries of rage from a certain universe.
“So, what you're saying is that you are a separate entity from the Warp, but are still filled with Warp Energy?” The Emperor asked. Discord nodded. “I find that hard to believe.”
“I find it hard to believe that you are a living skeleton sitting on a throne, but I'm not questioning it.” Discord countered.
“Touchè.” The Emperor replied. “So, what exactly are you doing in my throne room?”
“Well, I felt a massive wave of Order Energy all but explode from the mountain a few days ago, and it took me a while to suit myself up in my anti-Order suit.” Discord replied from within a radiation suit with the word Order with a block sign covering it. “Seriously, is there no wonder why Celestia decided to place her castle upon the mountain that is radiating Order energy?”
Magnus looked at him. “What do you mean, radiating Order energy?” He asked, confused.
Discord chuckled. “The Ponies of this world use a, how do you say, cleaner version of Warp Energy for all of their magic. I consider it a different type of Energy entirely, Order Energy. It probably flowed out of this mountain since the birth of the planet, and sparked an evolution in the ponies, filling them with it. Later, they labeled it ‘magic’ and now use it for everything.” Discord explained.
Twilight scratched her head. “But that doesn't make sense. We moved from another land to this country.” She countered, but Discord just chuckled.
“Oh Twilight, what fun is there in making sense? However, did you ever think that Equestrians might have lived somewhere else before the whole Hearthswarming fiasco? Ponies lived here first, then migrated to that area, then rediscovered their old homeland a few centuries after.” Discord replied, polishing one of his claws.
“So what you are saying is that my being here, stuck in this Throne, and accidentally caused them to evolve with parts of my own power?” The Emperor asked, surprised and slightly disturbed.
“Yep! Of course, when Celestia and Luna were born, they drained most of the surrounding area of about….” Discord put a claw to his chin. “Five miles, of the Order Energy. They ended up killing some ponies, their parents included. In the end, they had absorbed enough to be close to your current power level. Somewhere over nine thousand, according to my sources.” Discord said.
“So my Father helped a species evolve into Warp Energy using ponies… I don't know how to respond to that.” Magnus scratched his head.
“So. In a way...these horses are all my children…” The Emperor said.
“Essentially.” Discord replied. ××××× Meanwhile, in a separate reality….
“I need you to hold him off while I prepare the Spirit Bomb.” A spiky haired man said to a green alien.
“That doesn't seem too bad.” He replied.
“For five minutes. And considering how much he kicked my ass…..ah, I'm sure you will be fine.” The spiky haired guy added.
“Did..you just hold a grudge?” The alien asked. He glanced up. “Aaannd why is the sky like that?”
Spiky looked up. “I have no idea. Oh look there's Freiza!” He nodded towards the ocean. Instead of the thing they were fighting, a blood red portal opened up, and a sea of red Bloodletters charged out.
“I think I just sent ten Warp Storms to another reality… Ah well, I'm certain that it didn't do anything.” The Emperor said, disregarding the thought.
“Well, now that I've explained all of that, Mr. Emperor, I must be off. Also, a quick heads up: Your salvation is coming soon.” Discord said before disappearing.
“What did he mean by that?” The Emperor asked, confused.
“I don't know. Oh look, more questions!” Magnus said as he picked up a few letters.
“Let's see...the first one reads as such:
My Lord Emperor, I wish to know two things, one, what do you know of the Damned Legionnaires such as my self? The flaming Space Marines who charge into combat without a sound? And seem to disappear without a trace? Also, what do you think of Cypher the Fallen Angel? They say he has the power to save or destroy the Imperium! What do you think?" Sincerely, a Damned Legionnaire.”
“Ahh, yes I have indeed heard of those awesome fuckers! They have my approval. As for the other one… I honestly don't know what to say to that. He might be, by reviving my other self in the original universe, but I don't know. Next.” The Emperor replied, disregarding the previous conversation until later. Questions are important.
“Let's see…. Spartan889 asks:
Emperor, I bring great news to you. Recently on my journey to the badlands I have seen sightings and found solid evidence of the Reasonable Marines existence here in Equestria. They seem to have stationed themselves at the North-side of the badlands where the changeling hives resides. It could be possible they integrated the changelings into their society. Will you truly take command and lead them into a new age of prosperity?”
“They are? Well, I might have to send a message to them telling them to get their asses over here! And I don't care whether they are with Changelings at the moment. I just want another human to talk to!” The Emperor said.
“I’m here Father!” Magnus argued.
“Besides Magnus.” The Emperor added. “Next.”
“Fine….” Magnus grumbled. Let's see here… Amethyst Blade asks:
My Emperor. What are your thoughts on the Protoss? Many have said that they are a weaker rip off of eldar but I simply can't see it. Their idea of peace and happiness is not massive galaxy-wide crazy orgie but the peak of technological advancement and evolution. They don't have the look and the biology of the eldar. They don't use the Warp anywhere in their techs and powers. Also, their FTL travel is a lot better than the many Terran factions and that many Terran factions have better FTL travel than the Imperium. Huh...I almost going on a tangent again. Hope I didn't start a flame war.”
“I feel I've heard that description before…..” The Emperor said, thinking about it.
“You mean the Tau?” Magnus asked helpfully.
“Yes..those fuckers….ah well, I'm sure it's just a coincidence. I've never met one of these ‘Protoss’ but they sound more like Tau to me. Though, I won't judge them based on the sole fact that they sound exactly like the cowardly piece of shit ugly ass vagina headed Tau. I would need to see one to be certain.” The Emperor answered. “Next.”
“Alright…. What a weird name… oh well.
Oh great False Corps God Asshole of Mankind I ask you..... is it true that Primarhs are effect of bet beetwen you and Chaos Gods?
So if you would be a true Corpse of Man Emperor of Mankind and you could reverse time. Would you try to be a "better" father. Since you know now you don't get mug for Best Father of the Year.”
The Emperor sat there for a moment, saying nothing. A few moments later, he spoke.
“Well, now that that little ‘present’ is sent, I will answer this Chaos Worshipper’s questions. One, I will neither agree nor deny that question.” The Emperor said.
“I don't think that's how the expression goes….” Magnus said.
“Well, it is now. As for the second question, probably. Next.” The Emperor snapped.
“Should have known that's how you would reply….anyways, let's see here…” Magnus said, shuffling through the letters. “Ah, here's one! Casual Reader asks:
Oh great and powerful Man-Emperor of Mankind Because you were on Equestria since it's beginning, alone, was there a time you considered to "relief" your carnal compulsions with the ponies? After all, you are the Motherfucking Emperor!”
Magnus stared at the letter for a moment, before slowly turning towards The Emperor. Twilight did too, a blush evident on her face.
“First of all, how in My Name would I have done that?! One, I'm a decaying skeleton. Have been for a while, actually. Two, this sanctum has been sealed since the creation of the planet. Until recently, no living creature has ever entered this room. So no, I have not done anything like that. Next.” The Emperor said.
“Alright, Father….” Magnus said slowly, before digging through the pile of letters. “That appears to be all of them.” He declared, standing back up.
“Good. Anyways, what were we talking about again?” The Emperor asked.
“So, Emperor, what do you want to learn about today? Or are you going to tell me about something of your past?” Twilight asked, walking into the Throne Room.
“Well, I could tell you about the Old Ones, or the Orks, Tyranids, Eldar, Tau, Chaos, Necrons, and some of the other shit I've had to deal with. However, I can see something eating at you. So, what’s up?” The Emperor replied, still a Skeleton on the Golden Throne. Magnus was next to him, scribbling something into a large book.
“Um….well, let's see…” Twilight started, unsure how to explain. “Yesterday, an old enemy of mine named Starlight Glimmer used a Time Spell to go back in time to stop my friends from ever getting our Cutie Marks. Turns out a lot of stuff depends on my friends meeting, as I followed her and got sent back to multiple possible futures.”
“Sounds like fun.” The Emperor replied. “What kind of possible futures?”
“Well, let's see….” Twilight said, thinking back. “First, Sombra took over the Crystal Empire and declared war on Equestria, then there was the one where the Canterlot Wedding Invasion succeeded for the Changelings, Nightmare Moon, Discord, Tirek, The FlimFlam brothers, and then just a Wasteland.”
“Hmm… those all sound very interesting. Perhaps I can access these alternate futures and observe them.” Magnus spoke up. “I mean, I was Tzeentch's Daemon Primarch for a while. What about you Father?”
“These all sound like shitty Fanfictions, and thus should be ignored. After all, it's in the past.” The Emperor replied.
“Well, technically, it's currently happening. These were alternate futures of this exact time, all changed by a single instance.” Magnus stated.
“Shut up. It's in the past. We will not discuss this any further. Anyway, what happened next?” The Emperor ordered.
“Well, I taught her the error of her ways, and then offered to teach her the Magic of Friendship.” Twilight declared, rather proud.
“So, she changed your future, not once, but seven times, and you just give her a slap on the wrist and let her walk off?” The Emperor asked. “That's an expression.” he added before Twilight could say what he knew was to question what a wrist was, or that she didn't let her walk off.
“FUCKING PONIES AND THEIR DAMN FRIENDSHIP.” The Emperor yelled, in all caps.
“Uh….what's he on about?” Twilight asked Magnus.
“You ponies are too forgiving. The last time humanity forgave one of their enemies was…..” He replied, before trailing off. “.....Let's see….sometime within the Age of Strife. Our so called ‘allies’ of the alien races enslaved our people, and did so until The Emperor’s Great Crusade. As my barbarian of a brother Angron once said, ‘A war is only won when the enemy is dead. A pacified enemy is still an enemy.’ meaning that your new ‘friend’ may very well end up betraying you.”
“What?!” Twilight exclaimed. “I've seen how she is. She truly is regretful and wishes to make amends!”
“And that means ‘Make new friends’ to ponies? ‘Making amends’ means paying for her crimes. She should at least be imprisoned for a few years, or at most banished.” The Emperor stated. “You Equestrians are so stupid, it's a wonder why no other nation has taken over.”
“We have the Princesses to protect us! That's why!” Twilight countered.
“Firstly, she supposedly raises the sun. That's the only reason why they stay away. And also, she can demand anything she wants from other nations, or if they refuse, she can either bask their nation in freezing darkness, or scorch them with an unending sun.” The Emperor replied. “And also, if I remember correctly, she was beaten by the Changeling Queen. That might give other nations the idea that your Princess isn't as strong as she is to be believed. Hell, they might even think that any old unicorn could do her job.”
“But they would never do that! Equestria has been at peace for years! Every nation we've met are very friendly to us!” Twilight stated.
“I remember your story from when your friends visited the Griffon Kingdom. It was in tatters.” Magnus added.
“But that doesn't mean they will go to war!” Twilight shot back.
“One of the main reasons the human race went to war against each other in the 1st and 2nd Millennium was because their countries were starving.” Magnus pointed out.
“We are getting off topic. So, Twilight, what would you like to learn about today?” The Emperor asked.
“Um...well… Why not the Space Marines?” Twilight asked.
“At first, they were the greatest warriors of humanity. I, or rather, the original Emperor, created them from the Primarch’s genes, which originated from him. During the Great Crusade, they reconquered the universe, until that bastard Horus decided to try and take over. Now, they are all mostly complete religious shitheads proclaiming battle prayers in my name. Especially those damn Ultrasmurfs.” The Emperor snarled. “They follow those stupid Inquisitor bitches like puppy dogs, not even batting an eye when the Inquisition orders Exterminatus on a random planet.”
“We can agree there.” Magnus added. “As for those who followed Horus, they became overzealous assholes proclaiming their love for Tzeentch, Khorne, Nurgle, and Slaanesh. In my opinion, they are quite worse than the Imperium in many ways.”
“So, if I were to meet one….” Twilight trailed off.
“They would kill you for being a filthy Xeno. At least that remained the same. Oh, and then they would either blow up the planet, or cleanse it of all non-humans. Or find me and do the second one, securing this planet for the Imperium.” The Emperor finished. “Anyways, I'm sick of this conversation. Let's answer some questions.”
“Alright Father, I'll go get them. Oh, and Twilight.” Magnus passed her the book. “I took the liberty of writing down plans for some technology originally made by humans, including weapons, and other stuff. Also, all the minerals and equipment needed to get these minerals is in the back.”
Twilight squealed, before running off.
“Alright Father, let's see here…. The Almighty Being 0 asks,
‘Emperor, what would you say if you were stuck with the dalek emperor from the doctor who episode bad wolf forever?’” Magnus began.
“Kill it like the rest.” The Emperor replied, quoting a green fat guy. In a different universe, said creature sneezed. “Next.”
“Spartan 889 asks,
‘Dear Emperor, I bring terrible news, The pony who goes by the name Starlight Glimmer plans to change the past in order to change the future. Of course you are the motherfucking Emperor who can just defecate warp storms any time but how do you think Tzeentch will react to this? He is the Chaos God of Change and weaver of destinies after all.’”
“Welcome to the party, you're late. Anyways, I will be bringing her my wrath. As for Tzeentch, he would probably bring her many tortures when she is claimed by the Warp. And I might just let him.” The Emperor replied. “Next.”
“Equestrian Necromancer asks,
Emperor, why is it you dislike Magnus so much? Also, which of the Chaos Gods do you like the most/hate the least?”
“I do not dislike Magnus. I just dislike a few of his life choices. As for the second question, Nurgle. Why? Because of this fucking damn nose itch. I know it was him!” The Emperor growled. “Next.”
“Manual Control asks, Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind, Have you told the ponies about the Tau yet? I'm sure they will find it most riveting hearing about this "Greater Good" they preach... Until you tell them about how the Tau really act. Your Faithful Army Creator, General Manual Control.”
“I might tell them eventually about those fucking Vagina-heads. Next.”
“The Legion of the Damned asks, Lord Emperor, I wish to know, what is your main plan now that you are awake? You seem to just be... Well... Just talking to anyone, which is fine, but you must have big plans for the future of this race of... Equines? Sincerely, a Damned Legionnaire.”
“Well first, I plan to get the fuck off this damn chair. Then order a taco. Then, I will either smite them, or try to teach them like how I taught Humanity. Until that backstabbing spineless traitor Horus decided to be a douche and place me on this damn throne. Next.”
“We got a package, with no name on it. There is a note, however. It reads,
"Dear Mr. Emperor, I can only guess how lonely it must had been for you, locked away in your chamber since the the formation of our planet. So here's a gift to help lift your spirits. Before you open your present, why don't you take a guess as to what's inside. Here's a hint: it's big , red and pretty hard. . . (It's a care package with a big red heart draw on it) . . Inside you'll find some chocolates, flowers, get well cards from hundreds of foals, and other comforts. Enjoy!" P.S. I'm aware that you can't eat anything, but it's the thought that counts, right?”
“While it is the thought that counts, it can be taken in a mocking way. I haven't had Chocolate since the birth of this damn planet, and you do this. Either way, thanks. As for the cards, how the hell do they….oh right, I sent that newspaper. I'll have Magnus read them to me later. Next.”
“Of course you will.” Magnus sighed miserably. “The Murderous Cypher asks,
Lord Emperor of mankind Do you know of the cipher ,a universe conquering being? and follow up question will you prepare for the wax pony uprising?”
“This ‘Cipher’ better not get near this planet. And I will burn all the wax ponies. Or send them a warp storm. Next.”
“That's it. There is a letter for Twilight, but other than that, we are finished.” Magnus said, closing up the letter box. “I wonder how Luna is doing with those Grots.”
“Come here you adorable little creatures!” Luna cooed, trotting closer to the Grots. They all charged her, trying to be rid of this strange and evil female equine. Their resistance was futile.
“I'd say she's doing pretty well. And who would send a letter to Purple Nerd when they could be asking me questions about the universe and all things?” The Emperor asked.
“Well, probably because A: You're an asshole at times, B: it's not all about you, and C: She is a princess of this nation.” Magnus retorted.
“Whatever. I'm going to go play Poker with the Chaos Gods.” The Emperor snorted.
“Just don't bet my soul. Or anyone's soul.” Magnus replied.
Side Chapter One: Conversion? Fuck That I'm The Emperor You Pricks
“Hm…..” The Emperor sighed. He had just lost a game of Poker to that backstabbing bastard Tzeentch but minutes ago. “I know you cheated, asshole!” He roared into the Warp, only to be replied by a dark chuckle.
“Fuck that guy. Actually, now that I think about it, I wonder what my separated soul fragments have been up to….” The Emperor thought to himself, except for the fact that thought was voiced in the Warp. “Might as well go out and see what they are up to.” He created a TV, before a couch materialized behind him, and he sat down. Grabbing a remote with countless buttons, he pressed one.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Meanwhile, in another Universe…..
“My children, you have been fighting against these accursed ponies for many years. Today, that changes!” A fragment of the Emperor, weaker than the main soul, but still powerful, declared to an army of human soldiers. “I am known by many names, though most call me The Emperor.” At their raised eyebrows, he added, “I am not here to make an Empire, worry not. My name has been lost to time and space. My people only know me as such.”
“What do you mean, ‘your people’?” One soldier asked.
“I am a human, that is true, but I come from a alternate universe, one of many in the multiverse. But getting back on topic, as humans, you have every right to exist, and to one day conquer the stars. These ‘Equestrians’ believe themselves the superior race, forcing us to become one of them by using that barrier to threaten us.” The Emperor Fragment explained, gazing across the army. “This shall happen no more! I shall destroy their barrier, and bring the Equestrians to their knees. Or whatever they have in place of those. I shall present to you their leader, and return those who have been forced to be returned to normal! All I ask is that you aid me in delivering this blow!” The army cheered, waving flags of many separate nations.
“DEATH TO CELESTIA! DEATH TO EQUESTRIA! HUMANITY WILL PREVAIL!” They shouted, raising their guns in salute to The Emperor Fragment.
“Then, my fellow humans, we march for the right to be Human!” He roared, before turning towards the East. The pink barrier could be seen, but that was not what The Emperor Fragment was looking at. He was looking at the Equestrian Army flying, marching, and other such things. The Fragment grinned, pulling his sword out of it's scabbard. At the head of the equestrians was Twilight, and the Elements of Harmony.
“Humans!” She declared “Surrender now, and you can live carefree lives in Equestria! Be free of your evil and twisted humanity!”
“And parties!” Pinkie Pie shouted, holding pie and cake. Some of the Human Soldiers began to take a step forward, but The Fragment glared at them.
“Do not trust the xenos. Do not be found wanting. Those who attempt to join the Equestrians shall personally meet their end by my hand.” He growled, and the soldiers jumped back in line. The Emperor Fragment turned back to Twilight. “You dare to call humanity unfit for existing? What right have you to declare such a thing?” He demanded. Twilight met his glare evenly.
“Princess Celestia herself has seen your history, human. She has seen the tyranny, the suffering, and the horror of being human. That is why she declared the human species unfit for living on this world, and must be converted through the Conversion Bureaus. Her word is law.” Twilight explained, a cheerful grin on her face. “Now, won't you please stand down for conversion?”
“Your Princess has only seen the bad. What about the good we have done? The country of America fought against Britain for their Independence, because the British were making unfair laws and taxes. And after that, after many years, humanity began focusing only on helpful technology. We deserve the right to live, because we fought tooth and nail to earn it. What of you, Foul Xeno?” The Emperor Fragment countered.
“What?” Twilight asked.
“You Equestrians never had to fight for your right to live. Your species lived a pampered life, being able to regulate the weather, and the earth, and use magic. We, without magic, used our minds to invent. We created machines to aid us in problems. We need to regulate the water? Build a dam. We need a better way to communicate? The cell phone can do that. We invented, and you didn't.” The Emperor Fragment growled. “We deserve to live. You, however, don't. A species that got their existence handed to them on a plate, and then has the gall to declare another species unfit? We shall show you what happens when you mess with humanity.”
Twilight's response was to splash a conversion potion right in his face. “You will see the error of your ways, human. Whether you like it or not.” She growled, her temper long gone.
“This is the potion you used to convert humanity?” The Emperor Fragment growled, unaffected by the potion. “Then, by the right given by me.” He growled, turning back to the human army. “Kill them all! We march for humanity, and shall show no fear! Charge!”
The human army roared, opening fire with their weapons. Many drew close combat weapons, stepping forward and in front of the gun users to guard them. Then, as one, they charged, following The Emperor Fragment, who was already deep within the Equestrian ranks. ÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷
Back in our universe.
“So that's where my polite and charismatic side went. Glad to see that cocky son of a bitch is doing well.” The Emperor chuckled, before returning to the mortal realm his body resided in. “Maybe I'll see how the other ones are doing. But right now, I have ponies to educate, and questions to answer.” He added.
“Alright I'm back. What happened?” The Emperor asked, returning from the Warp.
“Well, nothing much really. Those disturbing equines tried to get in again, but I put up a force field only allowing me, you, Twilight, and maybe the princesses to enter. How was the poker game?” Magnus answered, shifting through one of his books on Equestrian History.
“The game was shit. Tzeentch cheated. Enough said.” The Emperor snarled, before noticing a small paper on the floor. “What is that?” He asked. Magnus picked it up, opening it and reading it.
“Looks like a question we missed. Let's see here…
‘Dear Emperor, You will be glad to know that the TAU are still a threat and will be visiting soon also don't insult us...( we were going to get you off the throne and into a mech suit but then you would act like a chaos God after learning that you were visiting and that would not help the "greater good".) we are also Glad to inform you that we saved a human behind the scenes, he goes by a mister "HORUS" I believe you know him? he will also be joining us on the visit. And finally what is your favorite faction, and vehicle? Signed, Shadow lord.’” Magnus read, glancing up at The Emperor when he finished.
All across the planet, from the northernmost country to the south, earthquakes shook the land, destroying countless cities and homes. Many lives were lost, and new continents formed. Volcanoes long dormant erupted, spewing magma into the sky, ash clouds covering nearby cities. In the Griffon Kingdom, the city of Griffinstone shook, before collapsing, falling down the mountain it was perched upon. In the North, the land of the Yaks cracked and splintered, mountains collapsing around their villages, while the ice below broke apart.
In Manehattan, the massive skyscrapers collapsed, crushing ponies underneath tons of rubble. A tidal wave rushed through the city, sweeping up the citizens in its destructive path.
Within the Everfree Forest, the animals cowered in fear from the sudden earthquakes, Ursa Majors huddling together in their caves, while Timberwolves pranced about, panicking. The Cockatrices squaked about, turning many residents to stone.
Across the universe, however, Warp Storms erupted everywhere, plaguing planets with Daemons and many more horrors for years to come. The Imperium would eventually call it the Second Age of Strife.
“Are you done, Father?” Magnus asked.
“Yes. I am done with my initial rage.” The Emperor snarled, his eye sockets blazing in fury. His entire skeleton glowed with rage. “Now it's time for my second phase.”
“What in Celestia's name was that?! I know you had something to do with it Emperor!” Twilight growled, walking into the room.
“Those motherfucking, headfucking, preaching, dirty, dishonest, dishonorable, cocksucking TAU!” The Emperor snarled, his actual voice echoing from his mind and into the real world. Twilight backed up, shocked at the voice slamming into her mind. “If they take ONE ME-DAMND STEP towards this planet I will personally get out of this fucking throne, use Magnus as a temporary body, and kill every last one of them! THEY DARE TO BRINGING BACK THAT BACKSTABBING LITTLE PRICK HORUS, ALONG WITH THEIR IGNORANT, FILTHY RELIGION AND COWARDLY MECHS?! I WILL GIVE THEIR SOULS TO THAT WHORE SLAANESH JUST TO WATCH THEM SQUIRM!” The Emperor raged, the room shaking.
“What's a ‘Tau’?” Twilight asked after surviving the energy blazing from the Emperor.
“The Tau are a disgrace to the universe, and should be eradicated. They preach about their ‘Greater Good’ while actually brainwashing their citizens. And the worst part, the one thing I despise the most about them, is that not only are they fucking xenos kidnapping humans and other xenos, but they don't even engage in glorious hand to hand combat! Instead, they hide within their mechs and shoot from a distance. What's worse is that they use another xenos species to fight in melee for them! Why make a giant robot if not to at least punch someone with it? Or use a sword and slice a tank in half?” The Emperor growled, listing off all of the things he disliked about Tau. “But now, they even have the audacity to bring back that fucking traitorous prick of a son Horus back from nonexistence just to piss me off!”
“Well, I can see your anger is great, so I'm just gonna...go now…..” Twilight replied sheepishly, before running back out the door.
“My brothers and sisters! These disasters happening across the world are not natural! They are the works of this ‘Emperor’ who dares to say that the Goddess is false! This is an outrage, and a crime that must be righted!” Fleur-de-lis declared to the group assembled before her. At least fifty ponies, plus some griffons, minotaurs, and other species had gathered during the massive earthquake. Canterlot had remained where it was due to the holy magic protecting the city.
“We shall March unto Canterlot Castle, and return with the ‘Emperor's’ head!” She said, earning many cheers from the assembled group before her.
“DEATH TO THE EMPEROR! LONG LIVE THE GODDESS CELESTIA!” They roared, charging out the door. Fleur-de-lis followed, grabbing a sword in her magic.
“Okay, I'm calmer now.” The Emperor stated after two hours of unending rants and curses towards the Tau and Horus. Mostly Horus.
“It's about time Father.” Magnus grumbled, tired of hearing The Emperor's ranting.
“Bring down the barrier surrounding the room, and go get Celestia and Luna. Maybe Purple too. I need to have a talk with them.” The Emperor ordered. Magnus sighed before doing as he said. The Emperor pulled out the question box to busy himself. How? With his OP-PLS-NERF powers, of course.
“Let's see what the Equestrians have to ask….
Holy Celestia fuck!! A workin termial. An Is got a fuck ton-o logs . . . huh, lets see. Dear Mr. Deadfucker Goldtoilet, The equestria wasteland is fuckin shit, make it better you shit lord. Also, I want a fuck-ton of jet. Sincerely, Mauler the Raider p.s. YOU AIN'T GOT NO DICK!!.” The Emperor read. “Firstly, go fuck yourself I do what I want. And if your homeland is shit, then go fix it yourself. Or else I'm coming to your house, burning your house, find you, and send your ass to the Warp. Next.” He burned the letter, before pulling out the next.
“Dear Mr Emperor; I have several questions for you. I hope none of them offend you, and if any do, please accept my apologies in advance. Thank you. Is there any problem that can't be solved via a Warp Storm? Can you make planets, galaxies, superclusters or universes? Is it possible to break the fifth wall? 0 divided by 0 equals? Are you crazy? (In the nicest possible way.) Sincerely, Lord Iron Skull, Supreme Overlord Person of The Skeleton Empire.” The Emperor read.
“Well, let's do this in numerical order. Or, be me and answer them in any fucking way I want. 0 divided by 0 equals Warp Storms for a thousand years. Not caused by me mind you. I am crazy, crazy by my eternal torment on this fucking throne. Every problem can be solved with a Warp Storm. If it doesn't, then you're utterly fucked. I can make whatever the fuck I want. The Fifth Wall is a lie, much like the cake. Next.” The Emperor replied, burning the letter as well before looking at the next one.
“Dear Emperor of the Golden chair, If you were planning on making the Ultra-marines (Who aren't total fanatics) again and create an army of sorts, would you either use them to prepare a new land to make your own? Or use them to use some lacke-, allies to secure connections in order to get a footing. I know you're the motherf*cking emperor, but it's best to take up back up plans and make sure all of your bases are covered. Trust me, when you live as long as we immortals have, you tend to want to do something beside being in one spot. A meddler of long age that travels the Multiverse. P.S. Have you thought about using cloning of your DNA of your vessel, create a exact replica of your body alive, and taking everything of your mind and going into the empty vessel (As you can let Magmus watch out for your body (No homo) as you make the trip into the vessel from your skeletal form and take care of any daemons that try to enter in) so that way you can get off that chair and scratch that itch you want to scratch. P.S.S. As a request, please punch that slime of tentacles Zmcstupid (It's not his name, but I hardly care) He still owes me forty souls that I still haven't gotten from that poker game. P.S.S.S. You may not fully remember me, but some of your pieces have, call it fourth wall dimensional things to explain those of lower mind, also if you want to use someone to complain, why not create that golden troop soldier? And make him more effect so those eye-sores won't ever come near you again?”
“That's a long letter.” The Emperor commented, noting how it unrolled to the floor. “Yes to the first one, possibly world domination to the second. In order to do such a thing, I would need to disconnect my soul from the Throne, which is an extremely difficult thing to do. And I'll be sure to be reminded to punch Tzeentch ten times harder next time. As for the last question, actually making a new soul is extremely difficult to do, much less make a body. If my fragments know you, I'll be sure to ask. Next.” The Emperor burned the long scroll.
“Dear Emperor What's your opinion on the Angry Marines? Sincerely Casual Reader.” The Emperor read. “Ah, those gloriously angry bastards. I both love them and hate them. Even if I didn't make that Legion. Next.” Another note burned.
“Dear emperor this is my question. Do you know what a thestral is, and if you do, do you know how they were born? Sincerely, The Oracle.” The Emperor took a moment to think about it. “Ah yes, those guys. If I remember correctly, a few thousand years ago, a part of my power lashed out to the outside world. This contained the area of genes that I used to create Konrad Curze. Somehow, his secret love of bat - like things inhabited multiple Pregnant Equestrian Mothers, and the genes evolved them into the bat like ponies you see today while still in their mothers womb. Next.” Burned. New letter.
“Dear Emperor of Mankind, What would you do if you met a shapeshifter? Signed Delta238 P.S. Hope you get your nose scratched.”
“I would probably recruit them. Then they can go gather Intel for me.”
“Greetings Man-Emperor of Mankind, we offer our most jubilant of joys at taking notice of thou. Though we have a question, how might the royal sisters and Cadence react to learning that thou art technically their father? It would explain how the older sisters have been in personality, such as luna and the grots, Celestia wanting order and well Cadence the youthful 'modern' natural beauty a trait thou art said to have in spades. Depending on their reactions thou could provide a good father figure onto them! Though Cadence may act out for more attention, due to being younger and having no exact permanent father figure before. Also thou would have to meet her husband and judge him harshly for his screw-ups, especially at a wedding where the father's consent was never given. Ever observing from our place in the void outside thy universe, Architect of Realities. (Or those whom wished to switch out the last of our name/title to Corruption.) P.S. We Do welcome to offer Magnus a better deal than a chaos god could flaunt at, for the price of becoming our piece to use in other 'games'.”
“Well, I'm guessing they would freak out. And then their little worshipping group that is on their way to kill me will be outraged. As for her husband….Oh, me and him are going to have words. And sorry, but Magnus is grounded for the next three centuries.”
“Oh look, it's the source of my rage again.
Oh I almost forgot; considering all warhammer gods can control their faction using mind control and seeing as how you created the entire species of the planet you reside on can't you in theory force twilight to think like a human, and use her to mess with everyone/ use her as a temporary body until we get their with the mech one? (after your apology to the TAU; they may not be the best at being original thinkers but they listen to me and I like being an ethereal being)”
“For once you miserable Tau have a point. That doesn't mean I'm apologizing. I fear, however, that Purple might explode from even harboring a small bit of me. Maybe Celestia. And I will not use a fucking Tau Mech for a body, you prestigious assholes.” This time, the letter exploded.
“ I have But One Question, What in the name of deadpool is going on? Also a message for Pinkie The.Cake.is.a.Lie”
“WHAT?! How could the cake be a lie?! That's impossible! Then again, it could be a bomb, or acid cake, then it could be a lie! But who would do such a thing to a cake?!” Pinkie asked, appearing in the room.
“So THAT is what happened to that small portion of third degree fourth wall fuckery energy that got out. Good to know.” The Emperor chuckled, teleporting the pink mare back to her job. “And Deadpool has nothing to do with it. I surrounded this universe with anti fourth wall breaker detergent.”
“Dear Emperor What would you do about the dark Eldar once you are no longer in the golden throne can you give us a hint”
“Act like that french guy from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Then poof them from existence.”
“Greetings my man Emperor of mankind I was just curious of your take on on the angry Marines a group of soldiers so renowned for their melee combat that even cornflakes most insane berserkers wet themselves when a drop pod bearing there banner crashes in the middle of their force also would you be allowed them to be illegitimate Warhammer chapter the main reason I asked because I read that you have reasonable Marines in Equestria ready or at least an outpost”
“Read the other question. And sure, they can come, and kick those Tau fuckers in the face when you do.”
“Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind, I have two questions for you that have multiple parts to both of them. First, have you met any dragons yet? If you have what is your opinion of them and would you ever consider joining them instead of the friendship loving ponies? Second, what do you do between answering questions, listening to nerdy Twilight, and educating the ponies? Besides playing poker with the Chaos Gods, that is. Why do you choose to do that instead of anything else?”
“I sit around, shit warp storms, and visit my fragments. I have yet to meet a dragon. And maybe.”
“Dear glorious Emperor of mankind. Since you've had so much time to think while on that throne of yours, have you figured out the meaning of life yet? Sincerely, Derrick-Skalula.”
“The meaning of life is 42, as well as eventually conquering the galaxy and proving your species to be the best. Huh, guess that's all of them for now.” The Emperor said, burning the last question, secretly sending it to another location. Celestia, Luna, Twilight, and Cadence, along with Ahriman, walked in at that time.
“So Magnus, how long do you expect those crazy zealots to take to get in here?” The Emperor asked, debating whether or not he should go busy himself with a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roullete-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker while he waited.
“Well, Father, they are currently trying to fight through the Royal Guards to gain entrance to the Castle, if the life forces I am detecting are to be reliable.” Magnus shrugged, flipping through the pages of a book. “I'd give them either a two percent chance of even reaching the castle walls, or a sixty percent chance of reaching this room. Because the guards are idiots.”
“We, ze eternal watchers of pony-kind, demand entry to the Castle to lay waste to ze filthzy hereetic zhat dares to conzider himself a greater god zen ze Holy Goddess Celestia!” Fleur declared, a mob of religious ponies behind her with pitchforks and torches. Two guards stood in the way, and they glanced at each other, before returning their gaze to the mob.
“Look, Miss Fleur, we can't allow that.” The Guard on the left began, “For one, we would essentially be letting an angry mob into the castle. And I'm pretty sure there are rules that don't allow that. So why don't you and all your friends return to your homes, and we'll pretend we never saw you.”
“Never! If we cannot gain entry through peaceful vays, zhen we vill force our vay through! Charge!” The angry Pegacorn roared, before the mob charged at the gates. The guards held up they're spears, ready to fight off the tide.
Instead, they were immediately flattened, trampled underneath the stampede. When the mob had passed, one of them pulled their head up.
“Who put the hay in the appllllee……” He muttered, before collapsing in an unconscious heap.
“.....I wouldn't have any high hopes.” Magnus shrugged, flipping a page.
“What book is that? Don't tell me you've been summoning daemons again.” The Emperor asked. Nearby, a group of tiny daemons slunk back behind a pillar.
“No, Father, I'm simply reading through this world’s history. It's a lot more….peaceful, than what I imagined.” Magnus replied, looking over to The Emperor. “Also, just a quick question, but did you lock the door?”
His question was answered when the massive golden doors burst open, and the mob of ponies charged into the Throne Room.
“....I'll take that as a ‘no’....” Magnus sighed, closing his book and placing it on a nearby book case.
Fleur-de-lis stepped forward, a disgusted look on her face as she examined The Emperor. “Zo, zhis is ze so-called ‘Emperor’? It is but a rotten corpse! Not even worthy to shine my hoof!”
“That corpse can hear you, you egotistical prick.” The Emperor replied, mentally shaking his head in dissatisfaction.
“Who is this brazen fool? Am I supposed to know her?” Magnus asked, looking Fleur up and down.
“I am-” Fleur began, but was interrupted by The Emperor.
“Just think of her as an Female Fyodor Karamazov on her period.” Fleur had steam coming out of her ears.
“I am Fleur-De-Lis of zhe Holy Equestrian Inquisition, and I have zeen through your lies!” She stamped her hoof on the ground in frustration. “And how dare you insult me in zuch a manner!”
“Oh, would you like me to insult you some other way? I take requests.” The Emperor mentally chuckled at the reference.
“I see what you mean, Father…..” Magnus slowly replied.
“Ve are here to banish you back to the depths of Tartarus from whence you came, filthy monster!” Fleur growled, drawing a sword.
Magnus sighed. “And I thought the Imperium was like a failed Suffle….”
“Prepare to be destroyed!” Fleur roared, galloping towards Magnus.
“So, should I get the princess to clean up this embarrassment of her kingdom, or should I just handle it myself?” Magnus asked The Emperor.
“Hold it!” A voice yelled, and three familiar eyesores of Equestrians leapt in between them.
“Great. My eternal torment has returned. What the hell do you three want?” The Emperor groaned, wishing he could slam his head into a wall.
“My dear Emperor, such harsh words send quivers down my oiled body from the mere sound of your voice!” One of the weird ponies moaned.
“As for why we are here, my Emperor, is to stop these fools from trying to kill you!” The middle pony added.
“Yes, these fools wouldn't know beauty if it smacked them in the face!” The last one stated, holding up his hooves.
“What ze hell are you?! What disgusting creatures have you summoned, false prophet?!” Fleur asked, appalled at the sight before her.
“Actually, we are members of the Royal Guard, assigned by Celestia to guard The Emperor.” The middle Guard replied. “And it isn't ladylike to speak such harsh words. Come, lay down your weapons, and return to your homes.”
“Never! Ze false prophet shall perish!” Fleur roared, charging at them again, except with the rest of the mob behind her. Until a portal opened up in front of her, swallowing her and the mob up in a few seconds.
“Um….what just happened?” The disturbing Guard pony asked.
“Sent them to another dimension. Let them be someone else's problem.” The Emperor answered.
“Oh my, what new little toys do we have here?” A childish voice chuckled all around her. Then, out of the shadows, what looked like a giant sock puppet leered out, chuckling darkly.
“She won't be a problem anymore, that's for sure.” The Emperor chuckled.
Just then the doors exploded, flying through the air and nearly crushing the guards. Unfortunately, they were not hurt, much to The Emperor's dissapointment. Celestia stormed in, with flaming armor and a spear. Noticing that everything was normal, she doused the flames.
“What happened?” She asked.
“Crazy Inquisition ponies tried to kill me. I sent their asses to a different dimension.” The Emperor answered nonchalantly.
“We had an Inquisition?” Celestia asked, confused. “I did not expect that.”
“No one ever expects an Inquisition of any sort.”
“Yes, and they shouldn't be a problem anymore.” Magnus confirmed, pulling out his book again.
“So….what did you do to them?” She asked cautiously, after a moment of silence.
“Sent their bitch-asses to another dimension, where they won't be a problem anymore.” The Emperor said again.
“You sent them to a different dimension.” Celestia deadpanned. “You couldn't just have them arrested, or hold them until I arrived to give them a proper punishment?”
“Nope. They had plenty of buddies in high places who would have busted them out of prison. Plus, you ponies are too soft. You'd most likely just give them a slap on the wrist, remove their titles, and let them go.” The Emperor countered.
“I wouldn't- I mean- arggh!” Celestia threw her hooves up in exasperation, before leaving through the destroyed doorway.
“Emperor one, Celestia zilch.” The Emperor chuckled, before a mail pony ran in.
“Excuse me, but is this the address for ‘The Emperor’?” She asked.
“It is.” Magnus confirmed.
“Well, here ya go!” She pulled over her mailbag, before dumping out the contents and running back out. Magnus picked up the top letter.
“Looks like a bunch more questions….want to answer them?” Magnus asked, turning to The Emperor.
“Of course. I love satisfying my little fans and their want for knowledge. Even if they are mostly stupid equines that don't know any better.”
“And yet they somehow managed to have peaceful relations with almost every nation……” Magnus muttered.
“What was that?” The Emperor asked, a small feeling of dread growing on Magnus’s back.
“Ummm, just opening up the first question!” Magnus replied quickly, ripping open the top of the first one. “Let's see here…..”
“Ooh! Ooh! Can I ask the questions?!” The Emperor's main pony guard, whose name the author has forgotten, asked, galloping up to the red sorcerer, with his muzzle black with soot.
“Where the hell have you been all this time?” Magnus asked.
“In the back, testing out some of the weapons. Accidentally blasted myself with a explosive, but I'm okay!” The pony declared proudly.
“Yeah….why don't you just go to the infirmary. I'll handle the questions.” Magnus shrugged off the guard, and said guard slumped, before walking out.
Atlas55 asks… Dear Emperor of Mankind If you had a choice between having the Orks or Tau replacing the Ultra Smurfs, who would you choose?”
“I would rather have Orks. Sure, they might be stupid, but they have their uses.” The Emperor answered. “Plus, they actually use close combat, unlike those annoying Tau pricks. Next.”
“From SubjectDeltaPunch My Lord Emperor, Us of krieg wish to come to your aid but these damnable Tau are blocking our path, and some of our brothers are disappearing we need reinforcing. also do you wish us to broadcast anything before we come to your aid God-Emperor? With all my zealotry, Grenadier #4w95w038w26 P.S ( We will bring as many artifical wombs with us as possible, so you can have your army if you wish of us.) P.P.S.S ( The damn ultrasmurfs are constantly interfering in our sieges where we throw ourselves against the enemies in your name my lord.) P.P.P.S.S.S (some strange shirtless men wish to say something to you "oh, my oiled abs quiver at your voice".) Ending Vox....”
“I don't need anything except for you people to do your jobs. And no, I don't want those artificial wombs. Tell the Ultrasmurfs to go kidnap that angry son of a bitch Angron. And tell those bastards that they are not to be within one sector of me, or else I'll send them to the same dimension I sent that Inquisitor. Next.”
Dear Emperor What is your opinion on the Necrons? Signed: ChaosSpaceMarine Marsara, the leader of the Republic of Shadows, founder of the Displaced Hunters, and follower of Nurgle.”
“They are creepy slow-walking death robots. What, you expect me to give them a hug and say everything's all right? They'd probably try to blast my beautiful face. Not that they would succeed. Next.”
Dear Emperor. What your plans for this little planet and will the diamond dogs be helping you?”
“The fuck are Diamond Dogs?” The Emperor asked.
“Some wierd natives of the planet that dig through dirt. And are also descended from canines.” Magnus replied.
“Oh. Nah, I'll probably just smack some sense into these moronic xenos. Next.”
“That Volksblob guy asks…
my lord if you could would you destroy all xeno races? also have a nuke everyone loves nukes.”
“Yes. I would, to ensure humanity's rightful fucking dominance of the galaxy. And where the hell did you get a nuclear weapon on this backwater planet? Next.”
Dear emperor tell the chaos gods there so bad at there job the TIME LORDS could do a better job at chaos just why would they all not split from the work and destroy Everything? just wow”
“Because the Chaos Gods are idiots. That's why. Next.”
Dear Emperor, Since you are the greatest psyker in existence why don't you use your powers to fix the throne?”
“Ooh, why didn't I think of that? Oh wait, I know why. I already tried. This thing scattered most of my power across the Multiverse. Next.”
Hello again oh great False Corpse Emperor in even more false Golden Throne. I'm writing to you with great joy to inform that I'm still alive and only think you done was destroying my zen garden. It's not that big problem since I was planning to create a new one. But ad rem. So how you are feeling with a thought that your son Vulcan was a priosner of this heelish ponies and tortured for the last 10k years with use of friendship and pastel ponies? Or that you have a wierd feelings to your centurion/sex toy who we know is now you son Rogal Dorn (speaking of with how the hell he has any bones in his damn boody?). I know it might be quite strange for you to be sexually attracted to your own son. Especially if this was so long time ago since you last lover died (by your own hand I must say). I can assure you acording to our speciallists here in warp having a stronger feelings to forbiddent hings is not that bad. Look at the Wolves thye are all a closet furries. P.S Malal is still sad that he is not canon. Can you do anything to chnage it?”
“That is horrible grammar. You should be ashamed. Then again, most xenos can't write in Gothic. And what the hell are you on about with Dorn? I mean, I know he was my son, but wow you sound like one of his stalkers. And please, like these fucking ponies could take Vulcan prisoner. They can't even keep their own enemies prisoner! Stop trying to lie to me. Next.”
“Inactive Techpriest eh asks….
To the Emperor/Omnissah What is your take on the Adeptus Mechanicus? Also, why not just use your vast psykerish might to manipulate the golden throne into a robotic body? Or a rapid healing machine or something. Better yet, turn it into an Imperator class titan. Your venerable servant, Australian Techpriest eh.”
“The Mechanicus are mostly alright. They do have a few problems with religion though. And how the hell would I find an Imperator Titan on a fucking planet like this?! And it's just a bad idea in general. Next.”
“The Almighty Being 0 asks….
emperor warp storm everything that you don't like what would happen if you met another emperor would you fight to the death, kill all Tau , warp storm the multiverse or something else? P.S I don't think a universe can handle two emperors”
“I'm certain we would discuss how we would fix the Imperium and these dumb xenos. And yeah, the universe couldn't handle more than one of me. Next.”
“The Lunar Republic 2244 asks….
Dear Emperor What's your favourite song?”
“Do you really need to ask me that?” The Emperor asked. A song soon began playing. “Next.”
“Amethyst Blade asks…
Dear Emperor. When and how will you deal with the damn Equestrian Inquisition? Use Magnus or just send them directly to the chaos gods yourself?
Aside from that, can you tell me where are my sword? I lost it in the Warp, but when I try to find it, I discovered that it exited the Wrap and is lost somewhere on your world. It's a 1.5m magical Longsword with a blade that look like it is made from amethyst that can cut "ANYTHING" I want to be cut while doing permanent damage to even the likes of Deadpool and beyond and is unbreakable. It shouldn't be able to fall to the wrong hand because I made sure such powerful toys are properly protected. For now though, I have souls to collect. Sincerely, that guy who lost his sword.”
“I'll keep an eye out for the sword. As for the Inquisition, well. That already happened. Next.”
“Exalatron GX asks….
Dear Emperor, First of all thanks for the answer also, "Horus" is in an induced sleeping state and is being used as a battery for the fleet... After all for us to give you a body we have to get there. (Warp travel) And the mech is not TAU in origin... Your kind refers to them as Titan's or more specifically the "emperor class" Titan with a moderate up grades... And a crew of adaptus mechanicus. And a large acopanyment of lesser Titans and production capabilities for bane-blades (all types) that you can control using the Titan or throne. Ps Horus is suffering greatly.... Ah the sounds of his screams are music would you not agree.”
“Stop fucking my son up. He might be a major douchebag and a prick, but but he is still my son. I'll make sure he is disciplined. And I told you to fuck off. Next.”
“Sentinel 053 asks….
Dear Emepror Who would win in a fight against each other Master chief or a space marine?”
“They won't ever meet, so why bother asking? But we all know that a Space Marine would win. Next.”
“The Oracle Asks….
Dear emperor What are your thoughts on changlings, and could you find a way to time travel? Sincerely, The Oracle.”
“Changelings are….somewhat okay. Just as long as I have bug spray should they try to attack me. And I don't mess with Time Travel. Next.”
Dear Emperor of mankind, Can you please send a few warp storms to kill those who abuse children? Also what happened to your epic sword? From Delta238”
“Sure. As for my sword…….what did happen to it?” The Emperor asked.
“Why would I know? Maybe it was put somewhere in that armory, or something.” Magnus shrugged.
“The Warlord asks…
Dear 'Emperor' If you are the motherfucking Emperor that I know then why the hell are you still on the throne? Just create a body and then put your soul into it.Done Sincerely The Warlord P.S. Send warp storms here cause I need something to kill.”
“Sigh. This question is appearing more often. Firstly, the other Motherfucking Emperors are still on they're fucking thrones, so you'd guess that they tried and failed. And why does everyone want a Warp Storm up their ass? Geez. Next.”
“That's actually all we have this time.” Magnus shrugged, holding up the empty box.
“Oh. Well, at least I a hopefully soothed some people's minds and their curiosity. They still have slightly stupid questions though.” The Emperor replied, “Oh, hey Magnus, you want to play a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roullete-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker?”
“No thanks. That's a child's game.” Magnus replied, walking off.
“Where are you going?”
“I'm going to go make sure that none of those Inquisitor morons survived. I'll be right back.” Magnus answered as he walked through the doorway.
“Fix the door when you get back.”
Hm…. I'm bored. Fuck it, I'm gonna go see what Tzeentch is up to.”
“Say….Magnus?” The Emperor began. The red giant in question walked up to him.
“Yes, Father?” He asked, absently flipping through a book.
“Could you bring me that suit of Centurion armor? I want to check something.” The Emperor asked, and Magnus nodded, before walking off to the armory as Twilight entered the Throne Room.
“I wonder what Father wants that old Centurion Armor for? Not like he can wear it or use it, and I doubt he will try to possess it and use it as a body…..” Magnus pondered, reaching the armory. To the left, a massive pile of weapons sat, unorganized since the last time they were touched. To the right was the Centurion armor, standing up in it's armor stand. Magnus floated it over, before noting how heavy it was.
“Is there a body in there or something? I wonder….” Magnus examined the armor more carefully, before noticing a strange switch with the words ‘DO NOT FLIP’ above it. Magnus chuckled. “Well, forbidden knowledge is always my Forte!” He flipped the switch, letting the armor down to the ground as he waited.
It was then that the helmet hissed, before splitting into three pieces and folding into the armor. A familiar face greeted Magnus, with blonde hair and sharp features. Magnus gasped as the person opened his eyes.
“R-roboute?!” He asked. The Primarch of the Ultramarines looked at him for a second, before opening his mouth to speak.
“So, you want my help with preparing this ‘Grand Galloping Gala’ thing for a bunch of stuck-up nobles?” The Emperor repeated what the purple alicorn had asked of him.
“Yeah, pretty much. I'm not all that good at planning these things, even with Celestia helping me.” Twilight confirmed, shifting to her side.
“Just slap a bunch of gold all over the place. Turn the room into gold. Nobles love gold. It is the greatest color to ever exist anyways.” The Emperor suggested.
“What!?” Twilight exclaimed. “We don't have the gold for that! Nor would we waste such a large amount on a single party!”
“Just get that pink pony that sometimes appears in this room. She will handle everything.” The Emperor replied, wishing he could shrug.
“Pinkie Pie? How would she be able to do that?!” Twilight fumed, unsure of what the Emperor was getting at. In fact, her hair was smoking.
“Didn't you say in one of those little stories of yours that she does the impossible, and defies all logic? Just trust me on this.” The Emperor pointed out, and Twilight sighed.
“Fine….. I'll go tell her…..” She muttered, turning around and walking out. “That still doesn't explain how this will help.”
“Look. Sparkleass. Just trust Papa Emperor. I know what I'm doing. Give me a little faith, would ya?” The Emperor stated.
“Fiiiinnee.” She groaned, trotting out the door and closing it behind her.
After a few seconds, The Emperor spoke again.
“ HAHAHAHAHA She is doomed, if what my powers predicted will come true. Now then, where the fuck is Magnus?” The side wall exploded, and two bodies flew out, beating the shit out of each other. “Magnus, what the fuuuuck are you doing to the Centurion? I told you to get the armor, not fight it to the death.”
“That probably would have been -ow!- simple, if fucking Roboute here wasn't in the damn thing!!!!” Magnus growled, blocking another punch from the Centurion.
“What? Roboute? As in, Papa fucking Smurf?” The Emperor asked, confused.
“Yep, that's fucking Smurf Boy.”
“Mind -ow! Fuck you Guilliman!- Mind actually helping, Father?!” Magnus growled, blasting Guilliman back with a blast of psychic energy.
“Oh? What's wrong, can't handle a little Ultrasmurf? Poor little fucking bookworm, fine.” The Emperor replied, before smacking Guilliman into a corner with with a psychic fist. A box of psychic energy surrounded him, keeping him immobile. The Ultramarine Primarch growled, trying to break through the barrier.
“Release me, you cursed traitor!” He roared.
“Shut your fucking mouth Guillismurf. Bookworm over here isn't the one putting you in the Time-out Corner.” The Emperor stated, causing Guilliman to stop for a moment, blinking his eyes as he stared at The Emperor.
“F-father? You can speak?” He asked.
“Well no shit smurf-boy. I did just tell you to shut the fuck up.” The Emperor stated, rolling his nonexistent eyes.
“Then Father, aid me in destroying this traitor!” Guilliman said.
“Don't tell me what to fucking do you Smurfy bastard. Magnus here is back from being manipulated by a creepy tentacle Chaos Daemon who offered him drugs.”
“He did not offer me drugs!” Magnus complained.
“To many, power is a drug. Therefore, you took the drugs. Fucking bookworm.”
“I...don't follow.” Guilliman said, completely confused on what was going on.
“Sigh. Fucking smurfs. The short version is that Magnus has seen the error of his ways, and is back with me.”
“Oh…. so, can I please be let out of this cage?” Guilliman asked.
“Well….since you asked nicely.” The barriers vanished, letting Guilliman step back up to full height.
“So wait, what the hell were you doing in the Centurion Armor?! I thought you were on Life Support and on display back on Macragge!” Magnus began, walking up to his brother.
“What, did you really think I'd let those morons put me on fucking display?” Guilliman asked, with a Ultra Chuckle. “No, I swapped myself out with a fake. A bomb, I should mention. Set to detonate when I woke up…..speaking of which….”
MEANWHILE, ON MACRAGGE
“Why is everything on fucking fire?!” Augustus, the Chapter Master, screamed as he looked at the now-on-fire area where they held the Primarch.
“M-my Lord! The Primarch’s body exploded in a cascade of flames!” An Ultramarine shouted.
“He exploded?! How does a Primarch, who has been on Life Support, just randomly explode?!” Augustus roared, stepping towards the Ultramarine who had spoken up.
“I don't know sir! Perhaps we have been infiltrated by Chaos!” The Ultramarine replied.
“Then fucking find the one who did this before I ram my power fist so far up your ass you will explode in a similar fashion!!!” Augustus growled, and the Ultramarine quickly ran away.
“My Chapter Master!” A annoying voice called out. “I believe I have found something!”
“*Ultrasigh* What is it Sicarius?” Augustus asked, walking over to where his eternal torment was holding a piece of the Primarch….wait, what?! “Why the hell are you holding a piece of our Primarch?!”
“Look! It is fake! The Primarch on life support was never our Primarch at all! He wasn't even alive!”
“Let me see that!” Augustus snatched the item out of Sicarius’ hand, before examining it.
“By the God Emperor…. He is right!” Augustus stated.
“I think that, with this discovery, I should be made the new Chapter Master!” Sicarius said. Augustus simply growled, raising his power fist. Sicarius then ran like hell.
“ULTRAMARINES!” Augustus roared into a vox channel, “THE PRIMARCH IS NOT ON MACRAGGE, LIKE WE THOUGHT. HE IS SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE GALAXY. WE SHALL START A CRUSADE TO FIND HIM AND RETURN HIM TO MACRAGGE! GLORY AND HONOR!”
“Are you certain that that is a good idea?” The Emperor asked.
“Oh please, I'm completely certain.” Guilliman shrugged, glancing around. “So, we are on Holy Terra, right?”
“Actually…..” Magnus trailed off as the doors opened, and Twilight walked in.
“Hey, Emperor? How did you know that Pinkie would somehow find enough gold to cover the entire Gala room?” She asked, while Guilliman stared at her.
“Dirty Xenos! Have at thee!” He growled, charging towards Twilight, with a fist raised to cave her skull in. She screamed.
“What the buck?!”
“Sigh.” The Emperor used his powers to backhand Guilliman back into the corner, and the barrier formed again.
“Father! What is the meaning of this?! That is a filthy xeno! By your decree, all xenos must be purged, in the name of humanity!” Guilliman growled.
“For fucks sake Guillifuck. These xenos are not our enemy. They are stupid, ignorant xenos, yes, but they are our fucking hosts you damn blue-balled shittard. They have made no acts of aggression whatsoever. They are the only xenos I would willingly allow to live. Plus, we are underneath their castle. Play nice, or else I will put you in a box and ship you to the Eye of Terror.”
“But...Father….” Guilliman whined. “The Codex Astartes does not support this action.”
“No buts. Do not hurt the stupid equine xeno. And fuck your Codex. Understood?”
“....Fine….” The barrier vanished again.
“Um….Emperor? What was that all about?” Twilight asked, now over her paralyzing fear.
“Just teaching my son some discipline. And some good fucking manners.” The Emperor replied, before turning back to Guilliman. “Now, what do you say?”
“Are you really making me do this, Father?” Guilliman groaned. Then received a psychic smack to the back of his head. “Ow! Fine. I….I'm sorry….filthy fucking xeno…”
“Apology….mostly accepted.” Twilight smiled. “So Emperor, how did you know Pinkie would be able to get all that gold?”
“Because I am the Motherfucking Emperor and I have super powerful foresight abilities and shit.” The Emperor replied.
“.....Of course that's why….” Twilight groaned, hanging her head in disappointment.
“Hey! Don't criticize my Father, you filthy xenos scum!” Guilliman growled, glaring daggers at Twilight.
“You'll get used to it Twilight….now, was there anything else you needed?” Magnus comforted the Alicorn.
“Yes… some mailpony dropped off a box full of letters for you. I have a party to plan. Bye!” Twilight teleported away.
“What did she mean by letters, Father?” Guilliman asked, looking up at the Emperor's Corpse.
“Well, Guillishit, the creatures of this world, and somehow some fucking Tau worshippers, have been sending me questions and shit. I mostly do this so I can teach these fuckers some common fucking sense, and not be so damn trusting of aliens.” The Emperor replied.
“So...Why not just… I don't know, wipe out their capital? That would teach them to not be so damn naive.”
“Because you fucking Smurfy Bastard, do I fucking look like I can do that? I might be the Motherfucking Emperor, but if I try anything, like say, use my powers to see what the fuck these idiotic equines are doing, or get myself a new body, like a fucking Titan, my soul will split up into so many fragments that I won't even exist anymore.” The Emperor stated, giving a psychic glare to the audience. “Now, let's fucking answer some damn questions. Smurf-dick, since you are new, you will read them.”
“What? Oh fine….” Guilliman shifted through the letters, before picking a Navy blue one and opening it.
“Hm….Atlas55, who names their kids that? Anyways, Atlas55 asks….
Dear Emperor, Have you heard about the Thestrals? The super badass Ponies with Bat Wings that eat meat and blood. lf you have, what's your opinion on them?” Guilliman looked up from the letter. “What the fuck is a pony?”
“Well, Mr. Toilet Seat, a pony is one of the things you just tried to kill. As for the question….” The Emperor started, “I have never heard of these ‘Thestrals’, but they actually somewhat sound fucking cool. I should have Sparkleass bring me one, to see what they are like. Next.”
“Umm….okay...let's see here..” Guilliman dug through the letters, before pulling out another one. “Warsmith Keagan….sounds like some Iron Warrior Traitorous scumbag…. Anyway, they ask…
Dear Corpse Emperor What did you really think of the Iron Warrior Legion during the Great Crusade? (P.S Also Imperial Fists suck, Iron warrior's rule) Sent to you by Warsmith Keagan (Grand Triarch, Warmaster of Equestria and butcher of the Crystal Empire).” Guilliman shook his head. “Fucking called it. So, Father, what do you think?”
“I at first thought they were somewhat decent. A bit too campy, but still decent. Then Fucking Horus happened, and they became a bunch of whiny little campers who were angry at me for some fucking reason. I probably took their artillery away from them. Next.”
“Hm...That Volksblob Guy….seriously, what the fuck is up with these pathetic xenos and naming?!” Guilliman exclaimed.
“They are probably using aliases, you fucking blind Smurf.”
“....anyways, they ask:
My lord, you do realize that normal missiles are nukes? well if you don't the more you know. In fact I'm on a derelict spaceship right now. Please send help…” Guilliman sighed. “Seriously.”
“To the equine population, missiles might as well be nukes. But they aren't. Missiles are missiles, nukes are giant fucking bombs that fuck a lot of shit up. Though I wonder how they got themselves into space….and no, I can't send help. Fucking Throne, remember?”
“Okay then….next question! Iron War….sounds like another Iron Warrior Traitor...anyways, they ask:
Dear Emperor, I would wish to know what's your standpoint cybertronians or transformers and the hybrid teno-organics or Teno for short. If you don't know what Teno are they are cybertronians that wall in their protoforms were touched by human DNA and became hybrids of human and transformers. They are very powerful and each has a unique special ability that let them doing different tasks. Like talking to machines or reanimating the dead and bring them back to life. As with this letter is something to help keep your mind from getting broad are the 1-13 seasons for red vs blue and a cybertronian divers that let's you watch this and it has wi-fi connection. From the Iron War. p.s. I think that a Teno can kill a ultrasmurfs for you. Their crazy OP when puberty hits. They start getting kills on titan like beings then. p.s.s. Hellsing sends their regards.” Guilliman stared at the paper. “What the fuck is a cybertronian, and who had the bright idea of breeding them with humans? And also, what are they talking about with my Ultramarines?”
“For once we agree on something, Guiltyman. I too do not know what the fuck a cybertronian is, and I do not condone the interspecies breeding. Like, what the fuck. Humanity is pure, and you want to ruin that by breeding with some alien species? Disturbing. Next.”
“Answer my question, Father!” Guilliman ordered.
“Later. Next question.”
“Urgghhh, fine. Deeed22 asks ‘Dear Emperor, Have you ever considered temporary possessing a body to use and what are your thoughts on Uraskar E. Creed?’ I do not know who Creed is. Should I?”
“The first part of the question is simple. If I wanted to, I might have. Stop asking me these fucking questions about possession and titan bodies.” The Emperor stated. “As for the second part, he might be a cheater, but he has his uses.”
“Seriously who the fuck is Creed.”
“You will know in due time, Guillishit.”
“Of course I will. Anyways, Amethyst Blade asks, ‘Dear Emperor. When will there be enough dakka?’ Is this one part Ork or something?”
“When the universe is filled with enough bullets that everything dies, planets explode, and all that's left are bullets, then yes, then there will be enough.”
“Your just ignoring my questions now, aren't you?” Guilliman groaned.
“Of course you are...when did you become such an asshole?”
“The moment I was put on this fucking Throne.”
“Well anyway, next question…. Iron Comet, what is it with these xenos and iron? Anyway, he asks, ‘I have a question for the next time he answers questions. What us your thought on Cypher? And the Fallen? Particularly those who were Terran Born and we're exiled to Caliban by the Lion and got swept up in Luthor little revolution? Could these long lost 1st Legionaires someday be brought back into the Imperium service? And the Lion, any plans on waking him up to counterbalance the magic using Magnus?’ How the hell did they know about these fucking people?” Guilliman asked, deeply troubled by all this.
“I don't fucking know. Anyways, who the fuck is Cypher, and who the fuck are the Fallen?”
“Well, from what I can remember, they are a bunch of filthy traitors from the Dark Angels Legion that betrayed the Imperium either during, before, or after the Horus Heresy. That's about it.” Guilliman shrugged. “You wouldn't really pardon them, would you?”
“Well. Probably not. I mean, if they fucking wanted to return to my service, they could probably have done it at any fucking time. They'd probably be killed, but with the state of the Imperium, and how Astartes are, they would fucking still walk in and ask to be returned to their duties. If I was able to talk back then, I fucking would have just given them a year or three of community service. As for Lion….how the fuck would I ‘wake him up’ if I don't even know where the fuck he is? And plus, I've got Guillishit over here in case Magnus gets angry. Next fucking question Smurf.”
“Hmm….Emerald Leafeon asks…. Wait, what the fuck is a Leafeon?”
“Like hell I'd know.”
“Anyways, they ask, ‘Dear Emperor, Who is the pony that you like the best? Or to put it simply, who is best pony? -Emeraldleafeon.’ father, your not really going to answer such a horrible question, are you?” Guilliman looked up at the Emperor.
“This question is pointless, since it all goes down to opinion, but I will answer anyways. My favorite pony is fucking Magnus.”
“Wait, Magnus is a fucking xeno?!”
“Calm the Smurfy Tits, Grumpy. Magnus at first didn't have enough energy to keep his human form, and the laws of this world turned him into a pony until he got his strength back.”
“I….guess that makes sense?” Guilliman said, still unsure.
“Good. Next fucking question.”
“Um….’The….Spanish Inquisition asks… or, more like declares, ‘Dear Emperor and Celestia, NOPONY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION Signed the SPANISH INQUISITION.’ …..These xenos are all idiots….”
“No one expects it except me. Because I got crazy prophet powers and awesome shit. Now, stop spamming my mail. Next.”
“Delta238 asks….’Dear Emperor of Mankind, Would you want the Space Wolves on planet with you? From, a secret pyromaniac, Delta238.’ Well Father, your thoughts?”
“No, I would not. Because Magnus will get all fucking pissed about them and go on a tantrum. Plus, they are a bit too furry.”
“Right…. Anyways, The Almighty Being 0, who sounds like a guy with a huge ego, asks….’you can do many things but fighting chuck Norris is not one of them and batman, because he's BATMAN!.’ Again, these fucking xenos are incredibly stupid with their questions.”
“Chuck Norris was pretty much my only biological son during that age. I could still kick his ass ten ways from the Eye of Terror. And Batman was a fucking cool guy, but was too obsessed with bats. And I could easily fucking kill him. I could simply make his head explode. Guillidick, after this, your on filter duty. You get to filter out all the fucking spam that I am getting. Understand?”
“Father, I'm not a fucking invalid.”
“And yet your Ultrasmurfs are, and they have your genetic fucking code in them. Next question.”
“But-! But I- rrrgghhh...fine, next question it is.” Guilliman pulled out a new and machine-ish looking letter. “Um….The Inactive Techpriest Eh asks…’Dear Emperor In relation to you saying that the AdMech is ok, I now want snuggles. Will you give me the snuggles?’” He looked up at The Emperor. “Wha?”
“If I could, I'd give you your fucking snuggles. But I am stuck to this throne. And I would probably accidentally crush you. Sigh. Next question.”
“Sentinel053 asks….’Dear Emperor, Why hasn't the Mechanicus reverse engineered any of the alien technology humanity has encountered? Wouldn't it help to restart the advancement of humanity’s current level of technology? P.S do you know where I can get a Baneblade every store I go to never have any. Your loyal follower.’ I can answer that one actually. Because it's fucking xenos technology, and it is inferior to the craftsmanship of humankind.”
“Actually, it's because everyone is so fucking steeped in religious bullshit that they consider alien tech heretical and shit. Next.”
“Ugh… oh, it seems like that's all of them. For now at least.” Guilliman pulled up an empty box.
“Oh. I was nearing my headache limit anyways. Go play around with Magnus for a little while, I need to concentrate for a bit.”
“Alright Father, if you insist…” Guilliman walked away.
“Good. Now I can finally finish that fucking game.”
“So, what’s going on today Girlyman?” The Emperor asked, imagining himself lounging.
“Well, that purple xenos is supposed to meet with you today for ‘Chatting with The Emperor’ in a few minutes.” Guilliman said, reading off of a list. “Then, after a few hours or so of that, The xeno leader wanted to speak with you over something.”
“Wonder what Sunbutt would need to talk about. I mean, doesn’t that take time away from her cake eating time?” The Emperor asked nonchalantly.
“I’ll have you know that the princess does not spend entire days eating cake, Mr. Emperor.” Sparklebutt stated, trotting inside the throne room.
“If that's what she tells you.” The Emperor imagined himself shrugging. Twilight blinked, before shaking her head.
“Anyway, sorry I’m late,” She began as Magnus walked in. “Ponyville had a random attack from the timberwolves earlier, and-”
“SPACE WOLVES?!” Magnus suddenly shouted angrily. Twilight jumped, staring at Magnus in fear as he suddenly exploded into a giant one eyed demon with a tunic and a book.
“This is why we don’t talk about them. We only say corgies when referring to the W word.” Suddenly Magnus vanished, with a ‘Poof’. “Consider your timbercorgie problem dealt with permanently. Now, what did you want to talk about today?” The Emperor asked, to which Twilight blinked.
“Ummm….what do you mean by ‘it’s solved’...?”
“You’ll hear it in the news eventually.” The Emperor said, ending that topic.
“YOU SEND WOODEN WOLVES AT ME BROTHER?! DO YOU THINK ME A FFFFUCKING WEAKLING? YOU MUST HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER YOU FURRY FUCK!” Magnus roared, setting fire to another one of the wooden wolves.He had already burnt down half a forest’s worth of the things, but he wasn’t done. He then crushed the burning wolf under foot, continuing his mass extermination of anything resembling a canine. Meanwhile, in Ponyville, a white wolf in a suit cowered behind his fancy chair, considering the irony of a counselor needing counseling.
Emperor’s Throne Room
“And that’s what happened at the Crystalling.” Twilight finished.
“You nearly lost an entire kingdom. Because of a fucking little baby horse with wings and a horn.” The Emperor deadpanned. If they listened carefully, they could hear Guilliman smacking his head into the wall nearby.
“You always look to the negative part, don’t you?” Twilight groaned.
“Kinda my job, since you fuckers only look to the positive part. But seriously. An entire fucking kingdom. One baby. You have the worst ‘No accidents’ chart in the fucking galaxy.”
“At least we aren’t sitting on our rumps all day like a certain someone…” Twilight muttered under her breath, only to get smacked upside the head. Which sent her into the wall.
“I was wondering when you’d start to get sassy.” The Emperor chuckled.”Still, I am the Motherfucking Emperor and this is my Motherfucking Throne Room so you better give me some Motherfucking Respect am I Motherfucking clear you Motherfucking bitch?” The Emperor stated. Twilight sighed, nodding.
“How you manage to fit six curses into a single sentence is beyond me…” Guilliman stated.
“Shut the fuck up you girly little fucker. I am the Motherfucking Emperor that’s how.” The Emperor stated. “Now shut up and gimme some questions you toilet seat.”
Guilliman sighed, before walking outside for a moment. When he came back, he had a small box full of envelopes. Taking one out, he gave it a read over.
“From the Legion of the Damned,
If the Legion of the Damned came to assist you in whatever you needed, would you accept their request? I am part of them and know we get shit done when others don't, but I wish to know your thoughts. Sincerely, a Damned Legionnaire.”
He looked up at the Emperor. “The fucks a Damned Legionnaire?” He then promptly got a smack on the head.
“No foul language asshat. Anyways, probably. I would definitely like to have a few thousand or so statues of myself on every planet in this system. Or just as a guard if the fucking idiots that called themselves ‘sentient’ try anything funny. Next.”
“Let’s see… Deed22 Asks,
Dear, Holy God Emperor What would you do if their were Orgryns on the planet? and would you unleash Magnus and Guilliman outside just to annoy the ponies? Sincerly Deeed22.”
“For the first question, maybe for entertainment. Second, read the previous events. Next.”
“Dragon Dredd asks,
Dear Emperor How would you feel if your text-to-speech device got broken and the only form of communication was through Pinkie Pie?”
“Do I need to pop a planet?”
Dear Emperor of Mankind, There is a version of yourself in the multiverse that managed to get off golden throne and wreck the chaos gods. He was tricked by his universe's Tzeentch into being sent to another universe turned into that universe's version of Celestia. What would you do if you met them? Sincerely, a multiverse traveling gryphon.”
“First, I’d congratulate him for getting off this fucking golden portapotty. Then I’d kick him until he got me off my throne. Then I’d congratulate him again, then feel bad for him becoming a horse. Next”
“Viceroy asks, Dear Emperor, Now that you have Guilliman will you order him to start fixing up your throne room and what ever else that's left of the Imperial Palace? Also, did you fight the Void Dragon on Mars?”
“Perhaps. But first I need to get him to repent for his fucking Ultrasmurfs very existence. Next”
“Wait what about his second question?”
“Next. Question. Toilet-boy.”
Atlas55 asks, Dear Emperor, Have you ever heard of the Fall of Equestria Universe? If you have not, then it is a Universe of Anthro Ponies who have been enslaved and have become Slaves for another Species called the Caribou. If possible, could you shit out a Warp Storm on those Filthy Xeno Slavers and send them back to whatever Hell they came from? ~Your Loyal Follower, Chapter Master, Atlas Atlas55 P.S: I think they are allied with Slaanesh.”
“.....Planets have been popped. Your welcome.”
How does it feel when you use the warp? And my brother Chaos say here have a Chaos kitten which from what he tells me are very psychic and warp immune and are strangely adorable anyways you'll find it in your lap after you're done reading this. Fellow Elder God, Mr. Nightmare P.S. War say thanks for all the Warp storms”
“Sorry, this sanctum/Throne Room/Batcave is impervious to all warp travels and shenanigans from anyone except me. Also, going through the warp is like getting a foot shoved up your ass, then while it’s nice and stuck, you start traveling at lightspeed. While the foot is still going at the normal sublight speed. And then your brain gets fucked by a daemon during that process. Next”
“Crysos asks, Dear Emperor, I'm writing to you from some kind of an ass of the world. I am a loyalist astartes who survived during Istvaan atrocity alongside with few others. Right now me and a guy from Emperor's Children are stuck on a planet with some multicoloured xenos, that remind me horses from Terra. I hope you could help us a little (send a titan legio for example), because they are sooooooo annoying. Especially pink one. We are out of ammo and use a stick and a power fist as our weapons. Is there a way to get out of here? Please, save us or we will die cause of using powerfist to facepalm. Sincerely, Crysos Morturg, XIV legion”
“Why don’t you stop fisting your boyfriend’s ass with that power fist and instead start using it on the fucking xenos you fucking morons. Until you learn that a Power Fist is meant to beat the shit out of things and turn that stick into something actually fucking useful, no supply drops for you. Your fucking Space Marines, not kindergartners. You know how to fucking craft shit. Next”
“Vampony’s Helper asks,
If you encountered a human that was sent to another reality like you were, but was turned into a Tyranid Genestealer, what would you do? If they figured out how to tell the Hivemind to fuck off, how would your reaction change?” Guilliman also glanced up. “There’s also a bunch of...what would you call it? Pointless exposition?”
“There’d also be a few ‘bullshits’ in there but yeah. As for how to react… bugspray. And I also know there’s fucking bugspray on this planet.”
“Casual Reader asks,
Dear Man-Emperor of Mankind Are you going to send the pony inquisition/ecclesiarchy to the Warp, like one of your alternative selfs did? Also, is it possible to a Time Lord revert you to your original self, even using a procedure like Davros tried? a Casual Reader EDIT: For clarification, Davros tried to steal Doctor's energy when the latter was donating some, for a act of pity for Davros. And Davros is the creator of the Daleks. Also, dear Emperor, is it possible that a great emergency allows you to return to life proper, like triyng to disarm a Dalek Reality Bomb? All your fragments would be unified instantly just trying to get it offline. Thanks again for your time, my Liege.”
“Don’t you think I would have caused a horrific event to occur if it could get me off this fucking throne by now? And I thought Magnus already gave the Inquisition the fuck off.”
“From anonymous, dear corpse emperor i wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of you imminent demise if your curious about the frequency of which i've send these letters its merely to instill as much fear as i can as if basting a turkey which i will then proceed to have sex with thats right i'm going to fuck the fear turkey follow me on twitter at @thecrimsonfuckr sincerely alucard”
“Try me you little bitch. And then, once you're dealt with, I think i might send that Integra bitch a little gift.”
“Okay, next question! …..So Emperor, you ever skip on leg day?”
The sound of ten thousand souls being snuffed out by an explosion that could only be described as ‘Huge-ass fucking explosion’ went unheard by everyone.
“Okay, I think that’s enough questions for now! Let’s not pop a planet today Father..” Guilliman said, putting the rest of the questions away for now to try to calm down his Father. “Why do I feel like we forgot something…..”
“RAAAAA….Huh?” Magnus said, reverting back to his human...ish form. “What happened? Where am I?” Then a bunch of equines jumped him.
“You are under arrest for mass genocide!”
Chapter Fourteen: The Changeligs are Coming! The Changelings are Coming!
”Has Magnus returned yet?” the Emperor asked, and Guilliman shook his head.
“Not yet, Father. Perhaps he decided to corrupt this world for the treacherous forces of Chaos?” The Primarch of the Ultramarines suggested. “Though I doubt he could do such a thing. After all, you protect this world!”
”Sigh. I am not your fucking father Girlyman. Go find that fuckwit Magnus and drag him back here if you have to.” The Emperor said.
“Very well father. I shall hunt that fool at once!” Guilliman declared proudly.
"Sorry to disappoint you,” Magnus said from the gate, “But I am already back. Though why I woke up in a forest is beyond me…”
”Magnus, I have a question for you.” The Emperor said. ”Where in the fuck are the other Primarchs?”
“The other Primarchs?” Magnus asked, before shrugging. “If I remember correctly, and the information I had gathered is true...I believe Vulkan disappeared, and left six treasures for his Chapter to find if he is to return.”
”Wow. That's a lot more dickish than what I expected of him.” The Emperor said. “What about Lion? Corvax? Jaghatai?”
“Don't know, don't know, don't know.” Magnus said. “I severely doubt we could find any of them. I mean, I doubt any of them would be on the planet.”
Deep in a cave under the Everfree Forest, a figure sneezed.
”Yeah that's pretty unlikely.” The Emperor agreed.
“Say, aren't the Princesses supposed to be here for one of their daily meetings?” Guilliman asked.
”Yeah...especially that purple one. Where the fuck are they?” The Emperor asked. ”Fuck it, I'm gonna go take a look outside.”
Magnus and Guilliman looked at him in shock. “What? You're going to get off the Throne at last?” Magnus asked.
”No, I'm going to use my OPPLSNERF Sight Power thing. Are you fucking stupid?” The Emperor snarked.
“Oh.” Guilliman said, disappointed.
”One Moment.” The Emperor was silent for a second, before four beings suddenly popped into the Throne Room in a flash of light.
“W-what? Where are we?” The center one asked. She was a unicorn, with a purple-almost pink coat, and a dark purple mane. Her cutie mark was an odd magical swirl. Next to her was another unicorn, this one blue, with a fancy magicians hat and a whitish-blue mane and a misty magician wand for a cutie mark.
”You all have five minutes to explain what the hell is going on out there. Why is there so much fucking pink shit floating about and into the Princess shits and Purple-Ass. And her friends?” The Emperor ordered.
“Oh my, I have never been able to get in here…. blegh, it's too gold and shiny.” One of the other creatures said, looking around in disgust. It was tall and snake-like, with a lion’s paw and a chicken’a claw for hands, and a dragon’s leg and tail, and a cloven hoof for his lower half. “You really need to get a better architect.”
”Gold is the best color you Chaos Prick.” The Emperor stated, somehow conveying anger through his Text to Speech device.
“Oh just keep telling yourself that.” The creature said, examining his claws, before wiping his hands together. “Well, I suppose introductions are in order. I am Discord, reformed Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony. And the other two are background ponies. Ignore them.”
“Hey!” The pink/purple one said. “I am not a ‘background pony’! I'm Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle’s student!”
“And I am the Great, and Powerful Trrrixie!” The Blue one said, with a great haughtiness equal to that of snobby royalty.
”Congrats. I'm the Fuckmothering Emperor. Your titles are invalid. Now explain what the fuck is going on out there.” The Emperor said, somehow conveying extreme boredom. Magnus yawned.
“Yes, I would like to know that myself.” The Red Primarch nodded.
“Ummm… well, the Changelings are back. They've kidnapped all the most powerful ponies. Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Twilight and her friends-” Starlight began, only to get interrupted by a angry Discord in her face.
”They took Fluttershy?” He growled.
”Hey. Only I am allowed to use bold.” The Emperor stated. ”Also, the Changelings? You mean those bug ponies that underestimated their own food/power source? I'm surprised they didn't come back sooner. They will likely fail as well.”
“Where did they take them?” Discord asked.
“To the Changeling Kingdom.” Starlight said, and Discord snapped his claws. Only for nothing to happen.
”Oh no you don't.” The Emperor said. ”We are all going together. Which means it's time for a ROAD TRIP!”
Magnus and Guilliman gawked at him. “You mean you're finally getting off the Throne?” Guilliman asked.
”No, you fucknuggets. It means we are relocating temporarily.” The Emperor stated. The Throne Room shook for a few seconds, before coming to a rest. Windows popped open, revealing a desolate land, with a massive black and hole-y tower.
“Did we just...teleport?” Magnus asked, looking around.
”Yes we fucking did you blind idiot.” The Emperor said, a steering wheel popping out of the ground in front of his rotting corpse. ”Now, let's get this show on the road.”
“Um…” the fourth creature asked, having stayed silent until now. “The Changeling Kingdom has a powerful stone of Anti-Magic as the throne. It's how the Queen protects the Hive.”
”Good to know. This thing doesn't run on Magic. It runs on the hopes and dreams of small children.” The Emperor said. Magnus and Guilliman were silent for a moment.
“So..there are children under the room?” Magnus finally asked.
”What? Are you fucking retarded? I was making a joke. This runs on some of the few million souls that were sacrificed into it. It's a soul per gallon.” The Emperor said, mortified.
There was more silence.
“Aaaanyway, if you could teleport the entire Throne Room, why haven't you done it before?” Magnus asked after a few minutes.
”Because.” The Emperor said.
Magnus blinked, waiting for an explanation. There was none.
“Because…?” He asked, urging him to continue.
”I already fucking told you. Granted, it was at a pitch higher than existence, but I told you nonetheless.” The Emperor stated. The ground shook as the Throne Room began to move.
Changeling Hive, one hour later
Four Changeling Guards stood at attention, ready for any possible threat that could come for them.
Unfortunately, a mobile Throne Room driving at fifty miles an hour was not within the expected realm of ‘possible’.
“Hey, am I hallucinating, or is that a golden church? Moving towards us?” One of the guards asked, noticing the obnoxiously golden church-like building.
“Maybe it's one of those traveling Missionaries or something. Probably here to shout ‘praise the sun!’ At us and try to get us to convert to some dumb religion.” The other Guard shrugged. “I'll go tell them off.” The guard flew towards the moving church, expecting it to slow down.
“Hey! We don't want any of your dumb religion, so go back to wherever you came frohmygod!” The last part was due to the changeling noticing five seconds late that the church was not slowing down. His green ichor was splattered across one of the windows.
”I think I hit a bug or something.” The Emperor said from within, window cleaners wiping off the Changeling blood as the Throne Room crashed into the front of the Changeling Hive, smashing the walls.
”Alright kids, here's where we stop! Get out now and go catch some bugs!” The Emperor ordered.
“Wha-” Starlight looked at the Corpse in shock. “-What about you? You’ll be all alone!”
”I'm the Motherfucking Emperor.” The Emperor grinned, or at least his skill did, as an echo of knuckles popping reverberated around the room. ”I'll be fucking fine.” Three las-pistols floated over to the three ponies. ”Take these. They will certainly do you a world of good.” He said, the intended sarcasm not translated into the voice.
“Umm...sure…” Starlight picked it up in her mouth. “We will shee you later I guess?”
“Yep.” Magnus nodded. “We will distract the Changelings, so you and your team go free your friends.”
The four looked at each other, before dashing out and through a tunnel as the until now unheard buzzing grew louder.
”They are so boned aren't they.” The Emperor said.
“Yep.” Magnus and Guilliman said simultaneously.
”In the words of those shittyquisitors, I hereby issue an Exterminatus.” The Emperor declared. ”Kill any that get near the Throne Room.”
“Yes, Father!” The two nodded, gripping their weapons. Magnus looked at the Emperor. “What will you do, Father?”
”What I always do.” The Emperor said, the room suddenly filled with power. ”Some Third Degree Warp-Fuckery.”
The first Changelings to get near the Throne instantly regretted their decision, and in the next moment felt nothing as they were zapped. Magnus and Guilliman jumped out, yelling battle cries as the Throne Room became the galaxy's biggest bug zapper.
Another explosion ripped a hole out of the Changeling Hive, missile turrets blasting anything that moved...which, for some reason, included the Hive itself. Changelings exploded left and right as The Emperor watched from the eternal torment of his chair as Guilliman ripped a Changeling in two with his armored hands, which were equipped with Power Fists. The Emperor could have sworn that he had heard the Primarch of the Toilet-Seat Smurfs yell something similar to “It’s fisting time!” when he had ran outside.
”Well, this is going pretty well.” The Emperor said. ”If I wasn't stuck in this fucking throne, I would be able to join in killing these Tzeentch-loving bugs as well. Sigh.”
Another explosion ripped into the Changeling’s Home, this time from a failed Warp strike.
“Dammit! Another double six!” Magnus yelled as he flew into the sky, purple smoke wafting off of him like wings.
”Wonder what's taking those secondary characters so long? Are they that useless?” The Emperor asked no one in particular. The Bolter Turrets roared, ripping into the Changeling Swarm like a turkey rammed through with an oversized bullet.
”If I have to take matters into my own hands, I'm gonna pop a few planets.” The Emperor groaned as the battle continued.
Suddenly, a whistling sound crash landed into the ground around the Mobile Throne Room. Slightly confused, The Emperor used his powers to check what had happened.
Outside, sixteen blue-colored drop pods had fallen from the sky, the image of the Greek Omega symbol plastered on the sides.
Had there been anyone paying attention, they would have heard a very angry yell of rage from inside the Throne Room, as if a Necron had gained a voice, and decided to tell the world how it felt about the universe it hated.
”Nope nope nope nope. When I said I wanted the battle to be over quicker, I did NOT mean send in the Toilet Smurfs. Fuck that and fuck their annoying chants.” The Emperor growled. Just as the pods began to open, Tears in the Material Realm ripped open underneath them, dropping them to Emperor knows where.
Up in orbit, the UltraMarine Battle Barge that had arrived suddenly found itself getting an up close interview with a Space Hulk that was tired of their shit. As the Space Hulk crashed into the ship, another rift in the fabric of reality opened, and the two ships fell inside, never to be seen again.
At least, until the Ultramarines destroy all the Genestealers, took over the Space Hulk, and fly out of the Warp guns blazing above an Ork-controlled planet.
The Emperor sighed in happiness as the latest problem was fixed. As he did so, the world shook once again, and a bunch of rainbow-pony-magic-Bullshit ripped the top of the Hive apart.
”About damn time.” The Emperor growled.
Starlight Glimmer watched with disappointment as Queen Chrysalis flew away. She turned to see Twilight and the others start to get up, and begin looking around at the new Changelings.
“What happened?” Twilight asked as she approached her student.
“Well, I gathered a group of ponies to rescue you, we defeated Queen Chrysalis, and the Changelings are all...good now.” Starlight explained, giving a small, sheepish smile.
”Oh holy fuck. Ow ow ow ow.” A deep, rich voice complained. ”Why in the fuck are those fucking things so fucking colorful? They put the damn ponies to shame! Though at least the ponies have some form of decency with their color schemes. It's like a fucking toddler splashed a bunch of paint buckets on them. What the fuck! Who thought that was a good fucking idea?”
Twilight groaned in exasperation. “Mr. Emperor, my student just saved the day. Could you please not-” She stopped when she turned around, as a fierce and golden bright light blinded her temporarily. “Stop with your stupid light show!”
”What in the fuck are you talking about, Sparkly-Vampire?” The voice asked again, making Twilight’s legs weaken from how smooth it was to her ears.
“What happened? Why is there a-” Magnus’s voice called out from somewhere, before Twilight felt the ground shake as Magnus knelt. “F….Father?”
“What the fuck do you want Magnus?” The Emperor asked, turning his attention to the red-skinned cyclops.
“You… walk among us again?” Magnus asked, not raising his head.
“What? What the fuck do you--” The Emperor looked down at himself, seeing flesh and rippling muscles where once nothing but bones and cloth lay uncovered. He felt his black hair flow in the wind, and actually felt the wind smacking his face. “Oh. How the fuck did I not notice that?” He then also noticed that he was butt-naked. Snapping his fingers, golden armor covered his body. “Okay, now how the fuck do I disable my flashlight mode?”
“Yes. The big bright and golden light show. How the fuck do I stop it.”
“The real question is, how did you get off the Throne?” Magnus asked.
“Fuck if I know. Probably some Warp Fuckery bullshit by myself. One moment I'm stuck as a skeleton on a pain-inducing throne, the next my eyes are being assaulted by those things.” He pointed to the Changelings. “I want to fucking exterminate them for being such a fucking eyesore.”
“Father, wouldn't it be wiser to not immediately start a war?” Magnus asked.
“Fine. Fuck you all, I'm going to do the one fucking thing I've wanted to do ever since I fucking arrived here on that damn throne ten thousand years ago.” The Emperor said, walking off.
“And what would that be?” Celestia asked, confused.
“Step one: take the longest and most needed piss in history.” The Emperor began. “Step two: take a fucking nap. Step three: find something to do.” With that, the Emperor teleported the Throne Room back to Canterlot, and ran off to find a Toilet.
END OF SEASON 1 ….. Later
“So, what now?” Twilight asked suddenly. “You want to answer some of those questions piling up?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” The Emperor asked, though Twilight could not discern whether or not he was being sarcastic. “I just got off that fucking throne. I'm gonna hit up all the fucking bars and get more drunk than a Corgie on Daemon Beer.”
“Umm...what's beer? And what do you mean ‘bar’? Like a candy bar?” Twilight asked. The Emperor stared at her, speechless.
“It is a fucking wonder I haven't destroyed this planet and all of its inhabitants already.” The Emperor said, walking off as several planets in random systems across the galaxy vanished with a pop. “If they don't have a fucking bar here, I'll make my own.”
Twilight had a sense of dread tip-toe across her back. She glanced behind her, and found Fluttershy perched on her back like a bird, tip-hoofing across her back, eyes wide. Twilight sighed, placing a hoof to her head in exasperation. This was her life now.
“Mr. Emperor…” Celestia sighed, for what felt like the seventh time this week.
”Yes, Sunhorse?” The Emperor asked, shifting in his golden armor to sit up from his slouching position.
“I know you’re excited about having a functional body again…” The Princess of the Sun continued, noting Roboute and Magnus’s positions next to their father.
”You can't even conceive my levels of joy. No more phantom itches all over! Not in the eternal torment that is my existence on that accursed thing! Having the Little Emper-”
“Don't even finish that sentence, Emperor.” Celestia groaned, putting a hoof to her forehead. “Anyways, I know that all that is great and all, but…”
”But we haven't had a full blown celebration, and need to rectify that as soon as possible?” The Emperor guessed.
“No. If you want to have a party for that, then go find Pinkie Pie.” Celestia rolled her eyes in irritation. “What I was going to say, before you interrupted me, was that just because you can finally move around, that does not mean you can lounge about on my sister and I’s thrones. Especially during our respective courts.” She gestured to the line of ponies staring at the two bickering from the golden doors, and to the throne straining to support the Emperor’s weight.
”I am the Emperor. If I want to fucking sit in a seat, then may I have mercy on the souls of those who try to fucking stop me.” The Emperor replied, his pristine features shifting to narrow his eyes at Celestia.
“I'm certain that is the case wherever you came from, but this is me and my sister’s kingdom. And if you want a throne in this room, then why not either ask, or make one yourself with your… ‘4th degree Warp Fuckery’ you boast about at every chance?” The alicorn asked, raising an eyebrow, which was lost in the ever flowing sea that is her mane.
”Because using my powers for dumb shit like that is a waste, especially since I could do some better dumb shit. And also because this throne is pre-built.” The Emperor replied, rolling his eyes. ”By the way, your ponies have some really stupid fucking complaints.” He pointed to the bright blue Pegasus stallion in front of them. ”If you want more gold from the fucking treasury, then either fucking rob it or actually earn it like a respectable fucking citizen, instead of using your nobility status to ask the indecisive and far too kind Princess for more gold. Now fuck off back to your home before I bitchsmack your sorry ass there through the Warp.” The pegasus’s face grew more red with rage at each word that came from the Emperor’s mouth, and he stamped his hoof in frustration.
“H-how dare you, you arrogant and foul creature! What right have you to tell me to do anything?! You are but a simple primate-” The stallion’s words were cut off as he found he was unable to talk, the Emperor giving him a heavy glare, his golden claw pointed at the stallion.
”I have the right because I am the motherfucking Emperor. Now, please enjoy your flight on ‘Fuck-Off Airways’. Please remember to keep your eyes open on the trip, you'll be needing the mental trauma.” The Emperor stated, casually flicking his claw to the left, towards the window. The stallion soon found himself rocketing towards said window, which depicted the Ascension of Twilight, but before he impacted, a portal to the Warp opened up in his path, swallowing him whole before vanishing. The whole event lasted less than a second, and Celestia merely stared in shock at the spot where the Noble had been.
“Emperor, why in Equestria did you send him into the equivalent of Tartarus, just to get rid of him?” Celestia said slowly, turning to glare at the human sitting on her throne.
”Because he was a shitstain upon your species, he was asking for it, and because it's a lot less costly having him pay the government for therapy than repairing that window over there.” The Emperor shrugged, idly scratching his claw against the throne.
“That… that doesn't…” Celestia sighed, defeated. “That's just like you. I'm guessing you sent a few of the guardsponies off as well?”
”Only that trio of eyesores and disturbing thoughts. And that was only because they tried to convince me to get out of my armor to show them my everything. I was completely justified, and I hope they land in the worst place possible.” The Emperor replied.
Macragge, the Realm of Ultramar
“Hail, honorable battle-brother!” One of the ultramarine blue Space Marines called as he walked up to the other two identically colored Astartes. “I have found three odd-looking creatures roaming the plains, muttering something about the Emperor!”
“Greetings, honorable Battle-Brother! Where are these creatures? I am certain our Chapter Master will want to decide what to do with them!” The first Ultramarine dropped the three furless ponies in front of them. “Ugh… perhaps the Chapter Master wouldn't want to see these things… I know! Bring them to Cato Sicarius! I am certain he will be able to adequately decide their fates!”
“At once, honorable battle-brother! After all, the greatest of them all…” He paused, and as one, the three Ultramarines cried out in unison. “ARE THE ULTRAMARINES!” With that said, the Ultramarine picked them up by the oiled scruff of their necks, and walked towards the city in the distance.
“Somepony please wake me from this horrible nightmare…” One of the furless ponies groaned.
“GREETINGS!” A shrill voice called out, and another Ultramarine, this one with a red and white plume atop his helmet, and a power sword in his hand, called out, appearing next to them. “I, CATO SICARIUS, HEARD I, CATO SICARIUS’S NAME, AND CAME AS QUICKLY AS I, CATO SICARIUS COULD. WHAT AILS YOU, HONORABLE YET INFERIOR BATTLE-BROTHER?!”
“C-Cato Sicarius! Honorable Brother-Captain, I found these creatures roaming the hillside, raving about the God-Emperor himself! I was going to bring them to you, to decide their fates!” The startled Ultramarine stuttered, hefting the three in front of him. Cato looked at them, before turning to the Ultramarine.
“THEY LOOK HORRIFIC! I SHALL KEEP THEM AS PETS! PERHAPS THEIR HORRIFIC VISAGE WILL AID ME IN BECOMING CHAPTER MASTER!” The Ultramarine captain took the ponies out of the other Ultramarine’s hand, shouting, “CATO SICARIUS, AWAY! WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!” And vanished.
The Ultramarine stared at where he had been, before shaking his head and walking back to his duties.
Canterlot Castle, Alicorn Throne Room
”Yep, I hope they are somewhere full of eternal agony. Then again, they might like that shit.” The Emperor frowned, before shrugging. ”By the way, me getting off the throne has removed the protective field keeping this world hidden from the rest of the galaxy. Hope you enjoy fighting Orks and other stuff.”
“Yeah, yeah…” Celestia grumbled, before snapping back to attention, eyes wide in shock. “Wait, what?! What protective field?! What are Orks?!”
”The protective psychic shield that kept this world from the prying eyes of both the denizens of the Warp, and to the eyes of every living creature in the known galaxy. It was created by the Golden Throne, and powered by me. Maybe it was some modification to the Throne by that prick merchant? Maybe it was even in the original Golden Throne? Or maybe it's just a cliche excuse for some nerd to explain why this world hasn't been visited by the Imperium? It could be anything.”
“Why didn't you tell me that that was that throne’s purpose?!” Celestia growled.
Magnus smirked. “You never asked.”
”Shut it you fucking nerd. Father doesn't need his children to talk for him.” The Emperor said, and the Crimson King slumped, grumbling. ”Anyways, yes, you never fucking asked. And before you ask, no, I'm not getting back on that glorified death chair. Even having to listen to those fucking Ultrasmurfs chanting again is the lesser of two evils.”
Celestia closed her as the Emperor spoke. “But what are we going to do if these ‘Orcs’ attack? Just sit here and die because the big golden man doesn't want to sit in his seat?” She asked, smugly, until a psychic fist crashed her into the wall. The guardsponies bolted over to her, pointing their spears at the Emperor as they formed a protective circle around the Princess
”First off, it’s Ork, not Orc. Second off, you spend not-even-I-know-how long on that fucking chair. Then you tell me how much you want to get back on it.” The Emperor rolled his eyes. ”Anyways, where's Sparklebutt? I would have thought she would be trying to learn how my armor works by now.”
“Twilight is currently at a party for her student Starlight Glimmer at her castle.” Celestia groaned, standing back up and nodding to her guards, who returned to their positions. “It's to celebrate the victory against the Changelings, and, had I not had to deal with you, I would have already called off the Solar Court, and been there.”
”A party for beating those bug things?” The Emperor asked, suddenly alert. ”Why in the fuck wasn't I invited? I did most of the work!”
“Well, most likely because you have ignored almost everything tossed at you.” Celestia replied. “Either that or you had Magnus use the paper for his books.”
”Right. Well, let's get going! Magnus, Guilliman, we’ve got a party to join.” The Emperor stood up, looking at his two sons.
“Yes father.” Magnus and Guilliman replied, standing next to the Emperor. The three then vanished.
“Well, that's one problem dealt with.” Celestia sighed, turning to the line of ponies at the doorway. “Sorry, my little ponies, but the Day Court is over for today.”
The ponies all collectively groaned, before shuffling back out to the city. Celestia sighed, feeling sorry for those who had been waiting, before lighting her horn and teleporting to Twilight’s Castle.
“When I first took in Starlight as my student, I had high hopes for her future,” Twilight Sparkle began, beaming happily. “But I am proud to say that she has already gone above and beyond anything I could have even hoped to expect from her. Today, we celebrate not only the foiling of a Changeling plot, but also to welcome the reformed Changelings as friends, which would not be possible were it not for Starlight and her friends!”
The crowd of ponies in the dining room cheered, raising their glasses of cider high in the air, before returning to their conversations. All conversation ceased, however, as suddenly everything was a blinding gold.
”Excuse me, f-cking Sparkle-Butt.” The Emperor appeared in the center of the room, his golden brilliance reflecting off of the crystal walls to blind everypony there. ”But me and my sons played a very important role in the fight against the Changelings, so we deserve some credit. Also, how f-cking dare you not invite me to a f-cking party.” The Emperor turned to look up at something. ”Fuck off.” He raised a finger and tapped something invisible. For a brief moment, a black box with the letters ‘TVY’ appeared, before shattering into pieces.
“Aaaah! M-Mr. Emperor, would you be s-so kind as to dim the lights? It's reflecting off the castle walls…” Twilight yelped in surprise as she snapped her eyes shut.
”Oh. Right, lemme tone it down a bit.” A small clicking sound was heard as the room’s blinding light returned to a level that did not burn the eyes more than an Exterminatus. ”Odd, why in the fuck do I sense chaos here already?” The Emperor growled, and Guilliman, who, like Magnus, had also appeared with the Emperor, drew his blade.
“Oh, that would be me, Oh-Mighty-Emperor-kun.” Came a somewhat drowsy voice from up above. The Emperor glanced up to find Discord hovering lazily in the air, the snake-like draconequus casually eating part of the crystal roof. “This Crystal candy is delicious, you simply must try some!”
”What manner of Daemon are you, Warp-spawn?!” Guilliman growled, his power sword still pointed at Discord.
“That’s former Daemon, thank you very much!” Discord snorted, Guilliman’s blade suddenly growing arms out of it’s guard and attempting to escape it’s masters grip. “I was a Greater Daemon of Tzeentch some millennia back, but retired and found this dainty old planet to hide out in. But that's all in the past, right?” Discord leaned down to stare the Emperor in the eyes. “Can't we put our old rivalries aside and be friends? We can play that one game I heard you liked. What was it called again?”
Before Discord could speak any further, the Emperor simply poked his armored finger onto the Draconequus’ snout. Discord paused, before his body turned to stone. The others in the room all gasped as the Reformed Lord of Chaos fell to the floor.
“Emperor! What the buck are you doing?!” Twilight yelled angrily, glaring at the golden human.
”Oh relax, he’ll grow out of it within a day tops. I simply gave him a good old dosage of The Motherfucking Emperors Touch. All beings of Chaos get purified to an extent and either wake up with a new Emperor-approved golden shine, or they disintegrate.”
“But Discord is reformed! He doesn't need your… whatever you did!” A quiet voice called out. The Emperor turned to find a yellow-coated pegasus fly up towards him, her long pink mane flowing gently behind her.
”Chaos does not do ‘good’.” The Emperor stated blandly. ”It was probably attempting to trick you into thinking that.”
“Is that how you treat all of your friends?!” The pegasus asked in a quiet yell, her eyes set in a glare. “Release him!”
The Emperor met her gaze, sensing the petit pony was attempting to exert her will upon him through a primitive use of the Immaterium. The Emperor responded with his own willpower, and almost immediately the pegasus’s feeble attempt was broken. Her eyes widened, before she fainted.
“Fluttershy!” Twilight yelled in surprise, rushing over to the unconscious mare. “What did you do to her?!” The Alicorn growled, turning towards the Emperor.
”She tried to force her will upon me. I simply returned the favor. She'll be awake in a few minutes, so let's get to the actual fucking party already!” he walked into the crowd of ponies, towering over them as he moved. Guilliman and Magnus looked at each other, before shrugging and dispersing into the crowd as well. The ponies looked at each other in worried confusion, before turning their gazes towards Twilight.
“Umm… return to the party everypony. Once Fluttershy is awake, we will try to fix Discord…” The Princess of Friendship said, and the ponies all returned to the party. Fluttershy later woke up, dazed and confused, and her and Twilight soon eventually freed Discord, who now had a golden gleam to his fur that he was unable to remove, despite his efforts to do so.
Season 2, Episode Two: The Emperor goes for a walk
“Mister Emperor, we all feel it is a pleasure to keep you here…” Twilight began, trying to keep a calm and cheerful expression on her face. “However, I feel that… uh… how to put this delicately…”
“Are you going to say something that would anger me?” The Emperor asked. “Granted, you ponies are all about friendship, so I doubt anything your foolish minds can think up something even remotely insulting.” Twilight’s eye twitched, before she put a hoof to her chest, breathing deeply as she extended her hoof outwards.
“I want you to exit my castle before you tick somepony off enough to actually consider an assassination attempt on your life.” Twilight stated calmly. The Emperor stared at her for a moment, before chuckling.
“You were close to barely, minisculely irritating me. I could almost feel the molecules emanating from your voice trying to dig into my skin. Are you actually trying to tell me that that was your best attempt at bothering me?” The Emperor asked, not even dignifying her with a laugh.
“Actually, Mister Emperor, that was my attempt at telling you to take your glowing hindquarters out of my castle before I… um… do something…” Twilight faltered, rerealizing who she was talking to.
“Good effort, but you faltered at the end there. If this was a game of ‘Oh, Sir!’ You would have failed miserably by now.” The Emperor replied. “I'd give it a ‘five out of ten, it was okay’ review.”
“Well it's not like I can actually do anything to you! You’re practically immortal!” Twilight yelled loudly.
“Considering I survived eternity waiting for you asshats to evolve on a golden chair of eternal torment, not to mention as a skeleton, says a lot about my immortality.” The Emperor shrugged. “Totally not a god though.”
“Yes, I know, you've said it a thousand times. I'm pretty sure everypony in the universe knows by now that you are not a god of anything, except being lazy and acting like an old timer at the retirement home!” Twilight retorted, and somewhere in the galaxy, a very important old man shuddered at the name.
“You know, miss Sparkle, you shouldn't tell him you can't do anything against him.” Magnus said, finally choosing to interrupt the argument. “It just gives the old bastard more freedom. Actually, I recall a similar legend of an Ancient Terran war that had something similar.”
“Do not start talking nerdy shit, Magnus, you have killed the mood almost as horribly as you crushed the hopes and dreams of your Father when you ruined everything.” The Emperor said, getting up. “I'm bored now, so I'm gonna go for a walk, and see what is going on in this town of plot conveniences.” The Emperor said, before vanishing. Magnus twitched at his words, before sighing.
“No, Magnus, that line of thought is more than likely going to lead me right back into the tentacles of Tzeentch.” The Crimson King sighed, before looking at Twilight. “By the way, where is your student? Is she here, or did you actually kick her out now that she's graduated?”
“She's hanging out with Trixie today.” Twilight sighed.
“Oh, right, the pony with almost as bad of an ego as father.” Magnus sighed. “Honestly, I'm surprised you let her near your student in the first place. I would have sent her into the Warp the first chance I got.”
“Her meeting Starlight wasn't intentional.” Twilight sighed, her head drooping. “I told her to go make a friend, and somehow this was the result.”
“Ah. Well, you can’t really change fate. Unless of course you're that mollusk Tzeentch.” Magnus replied. “Anyways, I am sorry for my father's actions. I know he can be… let's say, spiritually taxing at times, but he has everyone’s best interests in mind.” He looked around, before sighing. “I hope.”
The Emperor walked through Ponyville’s roads, earning many stares in wonder and fear as he did, however the glowing and not-divine being paid little attention to their measly lives. Instead, The Emperor was looking for something entertaining to do. He noticed that… what was her name, Starshit? Something like that. Starshit was currently wandering through the town with her blue friend, and The Emperor noticed that Starshit was looking oddly...down. Her hair was ragged, she had bags under her eyes, and her head drooped down. Shrugging, The Emperor walked up to them.
“Hey, slightly less Purplebutt, do you ponies know of anywhere where there's something even slightly fun that I can fight?” He asked. Her eye twitched, with a red and black energy pooling around her horn, before floating off into a bottle in hr saddlebags.
“I'm sure the Everfree Forest has something that can kill you…” Starlight grumbled angrily, before walking off with the blue one.
“That's the forest outside of Ponyville… sounds like fun.” The Emperor said, before walking off towards the forest in question. He could see it just beyond the crater in the center of the town. “Why the fuck is there a crater in the center of the town?” The Emperor shrugged, before returning to his current objective.
When he arrived at the entrance of the forest, he looked at the treeline, unimpressed.
“What, is this place too spoopy for the tiny little ponies to venture inside? It's almost a letdown.” The Emperor sighed, before stepping through the bushes. Immediately, a creature leapt out at him, it's barbed stinger aiming for his chest. The Emperor stood still as the manticore’s tail broke on impact, the stinger shattering, not even leaving a scratch on the almost-divine being’s armor. The manticore yelped in pain, tears in its eyes as it's paws fumbled around the broken end of the tail. The Emperor gave it a blank and uninterested stare, before sighing as he drew his sword. “Is this really the reason why the Everfree is so scary to ponies? A freaking mutant lion? Honestly, I was hoping for more.” The Manticore, now utterly terrified, attempted to flee, only for a flaming gold sword to pop out of its chest. It paused, looking down, before falling to the ground, dead. The Emperor withdrew his sword from the meaty scabbard it had made out of the Manticore, and The Emperor carried on, looking for better game.
After an hour of slaughtering more manticores, wooden wolves, and setting fire to the occasional tree for fun, The Emperor had grown bored. As he entered what he assumed to be the center of the forest, however, a loud roar emanated from a nearby cave. Curious, The Emperor stepped closer to the cave, only for a massive glowing bear to lunge out with its claws ready to tear the Emperor apart. The bear’s ‘fur’ shifted with the image of a beautiful night sky, and The Emperor was actually somewhat impressed with its design.
“Let's see how you and momma bear fight! This is what I'd call a challenge!” The Emperor roared, his sword blazing brightly as he charged the beast.
“So, that's your excuse.” Celestial stated blandly, unamused.
“You took a walk into the Everfree Forest,”
“Killed about twenty five manticores and over fifty Timberwolves,”
“Sounds about right.”
“Set fire to half the damned forest,”
“Only half? Huh, those trees are durable sons of bitches.”
“Displaced the resident Zebra by destroying her home, not to mention the hundreds of other animals and insects residing in that forest,”
“There was a zebra living in that forest? Never saw them.”
“Killed the local Ursa Minor and Ursa Major,”
“You mean the sparkly mega bears? Yeah, those were fun to kill. Know where any more of them are?”
“And, to top it all off, thought that it would be a good idea to drag their skinned hides through both Ponyville and Canterlot, just to give to me and Princess Twilight as a ‘gift from humanity’.” Celestia finished, raising an eyebrow. “You need to not go on walks. Ever.”
“And you need to invent television and videogames already.” The Emperor replied. “Besides, I'm certain guests visiting the castle would appreciate the fact that the rug looks like a perfect starry sky. Maybe then your sister would get some appreciation for her work.” The Lunar Princess, who had fumes coming out of her ears, paused at this, before shaking her head.
“Appreciation doth not need to cometh from robbing a sacred beast such as an Ursa Major of its life!” Luna turned to Celestia. “Sister, surely thou, you, will arrest this belligerent fool before he causes any more damage!”
“Diplomatic immunity. Either way, I'm not an official Equestrian citizen. You have nothing on me.” The Emperor raised his hand and Golden Claw, shrugging.
“Well, technically we could arrest you for poaching on royal property, as our old castle resides in the Everfree…” Celestia mused. “However, I doubt you would peacefully go with the guards, and I don't want any casualties, so I'm forced to let you go free…”
“Fuck you, Moonbutt!” The Emperor grinned, before teleporting away.
“Sister, couldn't we find a practical use for that utter beast?” Luna asked. “I am tired of hearing his arrogant voice, especially when he gets away free for criminal activities.”
“Perhaps, sister, perhaps.” Celestia sighed. “I just hope no other of his ilk arrive on this planet.”
“The Webway. FUCKING. SUCKS!” The Ultramarine Chapter Master, Augustus, growled, as he and an army of his Space Marines traversed the eerie void. “We should be looking for our glorious Primarch, Roboute Guilliman, but instead, Terra sends us on a mission. And to do what?! Dance off with some.. what, fhucking Xenos Clowns?!”
“Our Glorious Chapter Master, are you questioning an order from Holy Terra?” An immensely irritating voice called out, as one of the Space Marines walked up to the Chapter Master. “I believe that I, Cato Sicarius, should execute you on such heretical things, and become the new Chapter Master!”
“I'm not facking questioning orders, you cockroach!” The Chapter Master seethed. “I just feel that our efforts would be better used looking for our MISSING PRIMARCH!”
“I understand, Chapter Master. I, Cato Sicarius, should take a squad to look for our glorious Primarch while you look for the Harlequinsssyaaaaah!” Cato Sicarius’ annoying voice turned to a high pitched squeal as a hole opened up in the floor beneath him, and the squealing Space Marine, plus the three grotesque equine-like creatures that were chained to him, fell through, the hole vanishing in an instant.
“Huh… maybe the Webway isn't so bad…” Augustus muttered, staring at the place where Cato once stood.
“Um, Chapter Master…” Another Space Marine spoke up. “I should probably mention the Ghost-Titan standing before you…”
“The whut?” Augustus turned, and found a massive and transparent Eldar construct towering above him.
“YOU PUNY MON-KEIGH DARE TREAD THE PATHS OF THE ELDAR WEBWAY?!”
“... Nevermind, the Webway still fucking sucks…” Augustus groaned, as the Titan continued its speech.
“Oooogh… Where have I, Cato Sicarius, fallen to?!” The blue Space Marine groaned, standing up and looking around.
“U-um, mister Sicarius-” One of the furless pony guards stuck with him spoke up, only for Cato to screech and jump back, knocking the pony that spoke up into his kneecap.
“You xenos pets can speak?! Why then have you not spoken to I, Cato Sicarius, beforehand?” Cato asked.
“Well, it's definitely not because of that ‘winning personality’ yours…” one of the guards grumbled. “A-anyway, Lord Sicarius, we believe that this place is near Las Pegasus, which is still pretty far from Canterlot. Surprising, considering we were tossed out by your Emperor to Macragge.”
“The Almighty God-Emperor is here?! Cato practically squee’d. “Tell me, xenos, where is our great lord?”
“Canterlot, capital of Equestria. Please do not kill anypony there…” the third member of the group groaned, their emotions gone after being exposed to Cato Sicarius for far too long.
“To Canterlot then!” Cato yelled, drawing his sword and charging at a random direction.
“Canterlot is the other way…” one of the ponies groaned, being dragged along. The Captain of the Ultramarines quickly turned around, and charged valiantly in the other direction.
Deep underneath the now-burning Everfree Forest, a figure stirred in his seat. His dark and cracked green armor glistened in the darkness of the chamber, his long hair falling to his sides as he awoke.
“I haven't felt this presence since… Father…” the figure croaked, his voice ancient and unused for an eternity. He sat up, ancient servos screeching as they awoke to service their master as best they could. “I need to get outside… I think I've been sleeping for too long… the massive and armored man slowly moved towards the door, and opened it, only to find dirt, roots and stone blocking his exit.
“How long has it been, that the world has grown over me?” The being asked, sighing. “I'm going to be here for a while as I try to dig myself out…”
“Emperor, please get out of my throne!” Twilight growled, glaring at the massive gold-armored human currently lounging in her seat, observing the map with very little interest. “I have told you repeatedly to find something to do that's actually productive!”
”Look, Purple, there is nothing in this forsaken planet that could ever require my personal attention. I honestly expected some of the outside galaxy to find and murderfuck this place at least once, but so far not a single Ork, Edgy-Mcfuckbucket Marine, or even those smug pointy-eared bitchslappers have so much as set foot upon this soil. I haven't been this bored in a long while.” The Emperor responded, chomping down on an apple before tossing the other half at Twilight, who caught it in her magic, a growl escaping her throat.
“Well, maybe you should go take a look around?” She said, her patience dwindling rapidly. “I already had to deal with the aftermath of your little ‘walk’, but I'm sure that if you actually got off your flank and walk around town, you might actually find something to do!”
”By the way, who was that white pony that came in here earlier?” The Emperor asked.
“That was Nurse Redheart. An entire class of students at the nearby school came down with the Horsey Hives, and they wanted me to cheer them all up.” Twilight explained, before blinking. “Hey, don't change the subject! This is serious!”
”Horsey Hives…?” The Emperor asked, before groaning. ”And I thought your cities had terrible names… also, you're gonna have company in three… two…” There was a knock on the castle door, and Twilight huffed angrily, giving The Emperor one last glare before trotting to the door and, after pressing a hoof to her chest, breathing in and out, and extending her hoof outwards, she opened the door.
“Surprise!” A male voice echoed through the mostly empty castle, and the Emperor glanced over to see a white stallion unicorn with an almost comically disheveled blue mane, as well as an abhorrently pink alicorn with an equally disheveled purple mane appear on the other side of the doorway, with a small white baby alicorn in a stroller between them.
“Oh my gosh!” Twilight squeed, practically jumping over to the tiny little baby, which giggled and reached out as Twilight nuzzled her. “How's my favorite niece?”
“We were… uh, hoping you could take care of her for a few hours, Twilly.” The stallion said, grinning sheepishly.
“We hope you aren't too busy…” The Alicorn said, rubbing the back of her head.
“Busy?” Twilight playfully scoffed. “Psh, would the best Aunt ever be too busy to pway with this adowable wittle one?”
”I could look after her. Twilight’s got a few things to-” The Emperor said, but was interrupted as hundreds of books piled over him, silencing him entirely.
“I wouldn't let you within ten feet of my adorable niece!” Twilight growled, dispelling her magic before turning back to the other two. “O-oh, don't worry. He’s a intergalactic overlord, he isn't going to be beaten by a few books.”
“Hey, Twilight!” Spike called, rushing up to the group. “I was making that list you told me to, when Celestia sent a letter for Mister Emperor!”
“Could you dig him out and give it to him, Spike?” Twilight asked, glancing over at the pile of books. “I don't want to lose those, and you can just give the letter to him.”
“Alright, Twi.” Spike then noticed the other two and the baby. “Oh, hey Cadence, Shining Armor. How's the family?”
“Just great…” Shining muttered, but Spike had stopped paying attention as he rushed over to the pile, removing books as fast as he could get his claws on them.
”So what's this letter for?” The Emperor asked, once he had been dug out.
“Apparently Celestia wants to meet with you immediately.” Spike said, shrugging as he handed the letter to The Emperor. “I'd recommend going, it seems pretty urgent.”
”Well, I suppose. Thank you, Serf.” The Emperor said, before teleporting away.
“Well, now that that's done, I should go get Twilight so we can get the stuff for the class…”
Canterlot Castle, a few minutes later
Celestia sighed, glancing to the empty blue throne next to hers in worry. “I hope he can help…”
”Help with what, Sunnybunny?” The Emperor’s voice asked, and she yelped as he appeared in front of her. ”So what did you want my help with?”
“You seem… almost happy.” Celestia said cautiously, looking at him with suspicion, before having to look away from the glaring light emanating from his head. “Are you really the Emperor?”
”Yes I fucking am, you dumbass.” The Emperor said indignantly, crossing his armored arms and looking away. ”Who the fuck else could pop this fucking planet with a snap of my fingers?”
“Well, besides me, I guess the only culprit of such a heinous act would be you, Mister Anathame.” Another voice echoed through the hall, and the unsightly visage of Discord appeared in a flash of light, holding a small button in his hand that read ‘Exterminatus’ on the glowing red center.
“Why are you here, Discord?” Celestia asked, looking at the serpentine resident Embodiment of Chaos in confusion.
“What, am I not allowed to visit my dear old friend, Celly?” Discord asked, pulling a photo album out from behind reality. “And to think, we were such great teen-buddies back in college…” He flicked through the book, before pushing a page in front of the Emperor’s face, pointing to a picture of a clearly drunk teenage Celestia, her forelegs wrapped around a younger Discord. The image of Discord then shifted, winking at the Emperor cheekily. “She was such a great kisser, too.”
“None of that happened, Discord.” Celestia groaned, placing a hoof between her eyes and horn. “I'm quite certain colleges weren't invented until long after my teenage years, not to mention the fact that cameras weren't invented until year 508 ANM.”
”You had better be telling the truth, or I will consider running my sword straight through your giraffe neck for consorting with the Daemons of Chaos in such a manner.” The Emperor declared, his hand resting on the pommel of his sword menacingly.
“A-anyways, Emperor, I called you her today because… my sister has been kidnapped.” Celestia coughed, putting the conversation back on track.
”Why don't you just send Twilight?” The Emperor asked.
“Because, Emperor, this seems to be something that would require your attention…” Celestia sighed, pulling out a letter that was very crumpled and messed up. She passed it to the Emperor, who uncrumpled it and began to read
Dearest Sister, and to any she may have requested aid from,
The once adorable little green things that, in days past, my sister had tried to destroy, have turned quite violent, and, after becoming massive green monstrosities, have now taken me hostage, and request that you deliver to them, ‘all of ya shiny bits’. I have been forced to write this letter, even though I would have anyway, in secret, to plead for my eventual rescue.
Please save me,
”So Luna’s been kidnapped by Orks… great.” The Emperor sighed, setting fire to the letter, and turning to look at Celestia. ”Are you sure we can't just leave her? I mean, you raised the sun and the moon for a thousand years.”
“No, Emperor, we cannot.” Celestia sighed in irritation. “My sister is now a pivotal part of our government, and losing her would be a devastating loss. And we cannot accept this ransom, because then Equestria would be in an economical crisis. So, I decided to look to you for help.”
“For once I agree with bright and shiny.” Discord shrugged. “Lulu’s a bit too dark and brooding for my tastes. Besides, she breaks easy.” He coiled around Celestia, his grin unnerving. “But you’re much more fun, dearest Celestia~.”
“Discord, go back to whatever activities Fluttershy had you do.” Celestia shivered, pushing the chaotic entity away from her. “I personally would not like to remember what you did before your first imprisonment.”
“Oh fine, Celestia.” Discord sighed, snapping his fingers and making a wooden door appear. “But expect to see some pictures appear next to your bedroom!” He called, leaping through the doorway, which quickly condensed into a tight yellow ball, before disappearing with a ‘pop!’
“Now then, Emperor…” Celestia sighed, looking back to the golden being. “If you recover Luna, I will reward you.”
”You have nothing I want.” The Emperor said blatantly, and Celestia sighed.
“Fine… name your price.” She muttered.
“An hour a week with pinkicorn’s baby.” The Emperor shrugged. At Celestia’s surprised expression, he shrugged again. ”I haven't had any proper social interaction for millennia. If nothing else, let me have an hour to talk to a fucking baby.”
“I… didn't see you as the father type.” Celestia replied after a moment. “You’re not going to kill Flurry Heart, are you?”
”What kind of a monster do you think I fucking am? Babies are fucking adorable, and I want to spend time with one.” The Emperor shrugged. ”Besides, I need someone who will actually listen to me for once.”
“...fine, I'm sure I can arrange something with Cadence and Shining Armor…” Celestia sighed, shaking her head. “Just deal with the Orks, and make sure my sister returns unharmed.”
”Fine. I can sense her, so I'll be back in a little bit.” The Emperor sighed, drawing his sword, before vanishing through a tear in reality.
somewhere hidden near Canterlot
Deep in the forest next to Canterlot Mountain, a group of large, brutish green humanoids lumbered around a shoddily made camp, wielding poorly made stone axes and shields, and wearing wooden armor.
“Oi, when’z den horsies gonna get us der shiny bits?” One of the tusked beasts asked its counterpart, who in turn smashed him over the head with his shield.
“Dun question da Warboss’s plan. We’z is gunna get der shiny bits, den we’ll all use em ta build a supah shiny supahship! Den we’z is gunna crush all da horsies on dis ‘ere planet, den move on.” The brute growled, its beady red eyes glancing over to the dark blue alicorn sitting in a poorly made cage. “Da Wierdboy’ll keep dat Horsey calm, so we’z dun need ta worry ‘bout it gittin out.” He pointed to another of the brutes, who’s skull had apparently been broken apart to reveal the creatures horrid brain atop it's scalp.
“Where’d we even get dat Wierdboy from anyway?” The first of the green-skinned behemoths asked, before picking up an odd smell. “Oi, is sumfing burnin’?”
”You will be, in a few seconds.” A deep voice growled, and the creatures turned towards the woods surrounding them, only for a gold and very much on fire sword to drive straight into the chest of the first one, ignoring its shoddy chestplate almost completely as a massive golden claw tore into the second one, blood spilling out from their wounds as the Emperor withdrew his weapons, now slick with the blood of the creatures. ”You Orks are absolutely terrible with hostage situations.”
“Oh yeh? Den whot would you ‘ave done?!” One of the Orks called as the rest of the Orks in the camp mobbed towards him, almost drowning the question in their hoots and hollers for a fight.
”Well first,” The Emperor began, swinging his blade and separating the heads of the first Orks to meet him, sending their shocked faces spiraling in the air before falling down behind the encroaching mob. ”I would have taken more hostages. Then I’d threaten the people I want something from with the death of a hostage if my demands aren't met in a certain amount of time.” He backhanded an Ork trying to get behind him with his claw, the simple motion shattering the Greenskin’s bones and smashing it into a nearby wall. ”Then, if my demands still aren't met, I'll start killing hostages faster until there's only the most important hostage left.”
“Huh… e’s kinda got a point…” The Ork that had spoken up earlier muttered, before getting cut down the middle by the Emperor’s sword, both sides of the Ork falling to the ground as its intestines and blood poured into the world.
There were only a few more Orks left, and the Emperor cut through the ones who hadn't begun to flee as quickly as possible. He glanced at the ones who had turned to run, using his not-divine powers to burn them to ash within an instant. He then dealt with the rest by folding Reality itself around his claw, pulling on the fabric of existence itself to drag the space in which the three or four fleeing Orks existed in closer to the golden giant, before letting go. Reality righted itself within moments, the folds created by the Emperor’s grip unfolding and ripping the Orks apart as they had suddenly found themselves existing in multiple places at once.
“It's about time you showed up…” Luna muttered from within her cage, which soon fell apart on its own. “Those Orks show a surprising resistance to magic, and-”
”Good for you. I need to burn these bodies.” The Emperor interrupted, before using his powers to light the entire camp on fire, burning away any trace of the Ork’s existence, including their corpses.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” Luna yelped, taking flight to avoid the hot touch of the flames. “You'll burn down the entire forest!”
”It's better than letting any trace of these things survive.” The Emperor replied, walking away even as, true to Luna’s word, the trees surrounding the camp caught fire as well.
“But you killed them already! Why do you insist on burning their bodies?” The Princess of the Night demanded, landing in front of him.
”Because they reproduce like fungus.” The Emperor stated blandly, before glancing at her. ”They didn't touch you, did they?”
“They carried me here after knocking me out, but- wait, don't use your powers to change the subject! What you're doing is going to force dozens, if not hundreds, of animals to lose their homes!”
”Right. You're going to need to burn as well.” The Emperor stated, pointing his clawed hand at her. And she burst into flames.
“I thank you for saving Luna, Emperor… though why does she not have a coat?” Celestia asked, draping a wing around her still smoking sister, who now had very little fur to be seen, and was also quite irritated.
”Orks reproduce like mushrooms. Anything they touch has new spores, and will eventually grow into more Orks. I burned away all traces of it from her fur, leaving her skin intact. She’ll be fine in a few days.”
“More like a few months…” Celestia sighed, turning back to the Emperor. “Also, I should note that in the process of destroying the Orks, you burned down the forest they were in.” She sighed. “I shouldn't have to tell you that this was something you shouldn't have done.”
”Only way to get rid of all the Ork Spores.” The Emperor shrugged.
“...and displacing at least a hundred woodland animals. Not to mention destroying one of the sources for Equestria’s wood industry.” Celestia continued, reading off of a list she had created. “Irreparable damage to an entire ecosystem, and violating several other laws focused around the preservation of Equestria’s natural beauty.”
”Would you rather lose some wood, or lose an entire planet?” The Emperor asked.
“Irrelevant, Emperor. Laws are laws, and you have not only destroyed the livelihoods of dozens of ponies, but also broken many laws. You are going to have to pay for these damages.”
”How fucking much?” The Emperor asked, irritated at the mere notion he had to pay someone else anything.
“All in all, the total damages would force you to pay… three thousand, seven hundred and twenty six bits.” Celestia concluded. “So… I’d say a wall and a half out of your throne room.”
“Wait, what about me?!” Luna asked, pointing to her furless body. “This is an assault on one of Equestria’s Monarchs! Surely he should pay at least seven years imprisonment, or being banished to the moon!”
“I'm sorry, Luna, but even you must realize that we could only detain him if he wanted to be detained… and even then, only until he got bored.” Celestia sighed, looking down at her. “Even demanding he pay with the gold in his Throne Room is risky. So please, simply wait until your fur regrows.”
”I don't really care if you remove some of the gold. I'll just replace it later.” The Emperor shrugged, earning looks from both of them.
“...how?” They asked in unison. The Emperor looked between them, and shrugged again.
”fourth degree Warp fuckery.” was his answer.
Somewhere beneath the Everfree Forest
“Accursed earthen prison, why do you continue to deny me my freedom?!” The armored figure growled after his tunnel to the surface had once again collapsed. “I must reach my father, and your feeble attempts to deny me this have begun to anger me!” He kicked at the dirt mound where his tunnel had once been, and only caused more dirt to fall.
He stepped away, his sight unimpeded by the darkness of the chamber as he sat back down in his ancient throne, putting a gauntleted hand to his head.
“If my father is truly upon the surface, then have I somehow made it to Terra?” He asked to no one, for nothing aside from him was sentient in the eternal chamber. “It shouldn't be possible… so perhaps he has come to my world? But that would mean he has finally healed from his wounds from Horus…” After another moment of thought, he began to remake his tunnel, trying even harder to clear a path to the surface.
Season 2, Chapter Four: Dragons (and how to tame them)
The Emperor sat back in his throne, a new one that he had created after fiddling with the old one, watching with amusement as the ponies went to work stripping the gold off of the wall. It was proving much more difficult than what they had previously thought.
“What in Tartarus is going on?!” One of the workers yelled. “This stuff is like diamond!”
“I’ve broken five tools trying to tear off this chunk!” Another one complained, pointing to a nearly unscratched segment of the wall.
“Emperor… is this your doing?” Celestia asked, standing in front of him and gesturing to the nearly impervious wall.
”Actually you can thank my son Rogal Dorn for that.” The Emperor smirked. ”Leave it to that funless robot to make a golden wall almost entirely impervious. I’d give him a medal if he was still alive.” He paused, then turned to Magnus, who, like Roboute, were standing to the side, watching the workers and their futile efforts. ”Is he still alive?”
“Hmmm…. not sure about that, Father. If you’d like I would be happy to go look around for him. Or his soul, if it still exists.”
”No, I’d rather you not run off and possibly disappear.” The Emperor stated, standing up. “If Rogal is still alive, he’ll turn up eventually. I’ll leave you ponies to finding a way to remove the gold. I’m going for a walk.”
“Emperor… if you burn down another forest…” Celestia warned.
”What, are you gonna blow up several planets in your anger?” The Emperor asked with a smug look. ”Oh wait, I’m thinking of myself. You can’t do anything like that.” He waved her off with his massive golden claw. ”Don’t worry, no trees will be harmed in this walk. Probably. Might go visit one of the other countries.”
“Father, we should come with you.” Magnus said, stepping up. The Emperor turned back to him and shook his head.
”No, you and Girlyman should… I dunno, help their government. Make it efficient or some shit. Just don’t make any deals with Tzeentch and turn this world into a Daemon World or another Planet if the Sorcerers.”
Magnus twitched, But Roboute have a rare smile. “Of course, Father. When you return, Celestia’s government will make even that of the Imperium pale in comparison!”
”That isn’t a very high standard. Later!” The Emperor left the Throne Room.
“So, Princess Celestia, what is the current state of your nation’s government?” Roboute asked.
“Um… my sister and I co-rule Equestria with a gentle touch, giving our ponies the freedom they deserve in life.” Celestia said, looking at Guilliman with a slightly fearful look.
“No, no, that’s hardly efficient at all!” Guilliman grumbled. “Firstly, make yourself the sole ruler of Equestria, then give Luna the role of leading a council of high lords specifically chosen by you.”
“What? I could never be the better of my sister!” Celestia replied, appalled. “She is my equal, and I would never give her a position of lower value than I.”
“I see… well, it looks like we have a lot of work ahead of us…” Guilliman grinned, and Magnus groaned.
“If you need me, I’ll be… somewhere that isn’t here.” He grumbled, before teleporting away.
”So this is the realm of the dragons.” The Emperor mused, standing atop a cliff overlooking the Badlands. ”It’s just as shitty as I expected it to be… well, let’s go find some dragons.” He jumped off the cliff, falling into a shallow river of lava. The lava sizzled against his armored legs, but that was about it. The Emperor then began trudging through, scanning the skies and the ground for any dragons.
After thirty minutes, he eventually found a group of the reptilian creatures at another river of lava, this one flowing down at an angle.
”Oh, they’re surfing on lava. That’s cute.” The Emperor smiled, before walking towards them. It didn’t take long for them to spot him. After all, he was practically a handsome golden beacon of light moving towards them as they stopped what they were doing to gape.
”Greetings, lizards. What frivolous activities are you up to?” The Emperor asked. The dragons differed in size, shape, and color. One of them, a somewhat thin red dragon, flared its wings in anger.
“Who you callin a lizard?” The obvious male growled, balling his claws into fists. The others followed suit, heat crackling from their fanged jaws.
”I suppose that if you hadn’t bashed your head against rocks since you were born, you’d have probably realized that I was calling you and your little group lizards.” The Emperor replied. Twilight had said these things were hoarders of treasure, and he was hoping she was right.
“Oh? Hey guys, I think I just thought of a new game!” The Red Dragon grinned as the others surrounded the Emperor.
“And wassat, Garble?” A fat green dragon asked, a wicked grin stretched across its fangs.
“See who can rip the most gold off of this moron! Get him!” ‘Garble’ yelled, and they all rushed at the Emperor, claws and jaws seeking to pierce the Emperor’s armor.
To the eyes of a mortal, it was as if the Emperor simply vanished, and reappeared several feet away with a dragon’s throat in his hand. Garble choked as The Emperor looked up at him with disinterest. He backhanded another dragon with his clawed arm, breaking many bones and sending it flying into a nearby rock. He then whirled around, smacking three other dragons with the dragon in his grasp before tossing the red dragon into a wall. The wall then promptly exploded in a glorious ball of fire.
The three dragons that he had hit slowly recovered, before basting the Emperor in their flames. But as they did, they felt the temperature around them drop rapidly, their flames sputtering slightly as they shivered. Then the flames froze, defying all physics as they turned to ice.
”I have a question for you lizards.” The Emperor grumbled, bursting through the ice and holding his razor sharp talon in front of their faces, each claw capable of cutting through adamantium.
The remaining three dragons scampered backwards, terror in their slitted eyes. “D-don’t hurt us!”
”Then take me to whatever lizard runs this dump.” The Emperor growled, his intimidating presence haloed by the setting sun behind him. ”And you may live without a broken jawline.”
Ember grumbled as she watched three dragons fight below her. They were fighting over a pile of gold that they were supposed to share.
She was trying to teach the dragons friendship, like Spike did to her, but, if the fight below meant anything, it was that it would be extremely difficult. Of course, she didn’t actually intend to let them keep any of the gold. Especially not now, since they had failed the sharing program so horribly.
“Enough!” Ember declared, standing form her throne. The three dragons immediately stopped, looking over to her in surprise and fear. That was good. “I can’t understand how you morons managed to screw this up so badly! You could have just taken equal shares, but nooooo, you just had to try to take more than the others. Get lost, losers! And if I find even a single bit missing, I will find you and have your heads!” They scattered once she finished, whimpering as they fled. It was probably because she had begun releasing flames from between her teeth, giving her an intimidating appearance.
“Good grief. How do the ponies do it? It seems so freaking easy for them!” Ember grumbled, stomping back to her throne. She sat down, huffing angrily as she crossed her arms. “Maybe I should talk to Spike about this…”
As she mulled over her options, the doors to her throne room reopened, with three dragons whimpering like Diamond Dogs as they scuttled into the Chamber.
“H-here we are, s-Sir! Th-this is Lord Ember’s Throne Room! Pl-please don’t hurt us!” One of them called to a figure outside. Ember raised an eyebrow, sitting up in her throne in curiosity as she heard loud footfalls echo into the Throne Room.
Her eyes soon widened to the size of dinner plates as a giant clad in pure gold armor stepped through the large gateway, his head only a few feet from the top of the gates as he moved forward. The giant’s left hand was a massive claw, blades fingers likely capable of ripping through anything in the room. And his other hand was gripped around a flaming sword. A flaming sword!
“Wh-who in Tartarus are you?” Ember asked, the urge to kneel before this glorious being almost too powerful to hold back.
”I am the motherfucking Emperor of Mankind.” He said, his deep, masculine, yet silky voice warming every fiber of Ember’s soul. She didn’t know what a ‘motherfucker’ was, but it sounded absolutely amazing coming from him. ”This is actually a lot better than the dump I was expecting, considering the barren fucking wasteland outside.” Ember was glad she was sitting. She would have fallen to her knees had she been standing.
“I… th-thank you for the compliment, Emperor…” Ember muttered, barely managing to form coherent thoughts.
”Oh. Right. I always forget to turn off Emperor Presence.” Ember felt… something lift from her mind. It felt like a warm golden blanket had risen up from her mind, and she could suddenly think clearly. Well, as clearly as someone could when standing in front of a golden giant of pure incredibility.
“Wha… what just happened?” Ember asked, shaking her head.
”I call it Emperor Presence. It’s basically a passive Psyker ability of mine that makes everyone around me extremely submissive and loyal and shit like that.” The Emperor put his flaming blade away, walking towards Ember’s throne, the stairs cracking under his boots. ”This Throne Room is a bit bland though. A rocky dome for a ceiling, a simple grand mansion staircase? The lava flows in the back and the pile of gold in the middle do give you a few style points, and the throne is nice, but the rest of it is meh at best.” He rattled off, examining the large chamber with boredom.
“I… excuse me? My throne room is great!” Ember replied. “It’s nice and roomy for flying, and makes me look powerful!”
”Sure, if you’re comparing it to a dirt house.” The Emperor replied, reaching the top of the stairs and looking down at Ember. ”I’d give your little room a three out of ten.”
Ember was getting a little bit angry. “And what about you? I bet you don’t even have a Throne Room!”
”I have a great fucking throne room. It’s entirely gold and covered in skulls.” The Emperor replied, raising an eyebrow.
“Prove it.” Ember grunted, crossing her arms. The Emperor smirked, snapping his right hand’s fingers, and suddenly they were in another place. Gold. All Ember could see was gold. It was everywhere. It coated everything. Even the skulls lining pretty much every wall were gold.
“What… h-how…” Ember had never seen so much gold. Not even the most ancient of the dragon lords ever had this much gold.
”Yep. Feel insignificant yet?” The Emperor asked, and it was then that Ember finally noticed the things in the room that weren’t gold.
“Why are there ponies trying to take your gold?” She asked in surprise. A dragon would NEVER let anyone take their gold without a fight.
”They think I owe them for burning down a forest.” The Emperor shrugged. ”Even though I did it to destroy a planetary threat. But it doesn’t matter. I’ll just use the gold in their treasury to replace it if they can actually break any off.”
“Oh, so you’ll just take back whatever they steal? That’s definitely what any dragon would do.” Ember nodded appreciatively. “After burning them to a crisp, of course, but I’m guessing there’s a reason why you wouldn’t.”
”Yep. Because it’d be a complete waste of my powers.” The Emperor shrugged, smiling in amusement as he saw Celestia on the floor, hooves clamped to her ears as Guilliman continued prattling off the hundreds of ways he could improve her government. A fitting punishment for assuming the Emperor owed her anything. He ended the vision, returning them to the previous (and inferior) Throne Room.
“So, what’s a creature such as yourself doing in the Dragon lands?” Ember asked after getting her balance once again. “Surely you have better things to do than pay visit to us.”
”Actually, I don’t.” The Emperor shrugged. ”My Imperium is probably millions of lightyears away from this planet, and probably being led by my oh so handsome twin.”
Thousands of lightyears away, Holy Terra
”Achoo.” The Emperor Of Mankind sneezed through the Text-To-Speech Device.
“Is everything alright, my lord?” The golden banana Custodes that was his caretaker asked in worry. “Are you getting a cold?”
”No I am not you fucking moron.” The Emperor chided. ”I am a spooky skeleton. I do not get colds.”
“Then… why did you sneeze?” The Custode, Kitten, asked.
”Because someone was probably talking about me.” The Emperor stated, as if it were obvious.
“Uh… I don’t follow.” Kitten replied after a moment, confused.
”Of course you fucking don’t. You really need to learn more about tropes.” The Emperor grumbled, seeing that this was going nowhere. ”Any ways, when is that redhead fucking cyclops nerd getting back? It has been fucking months since he left.”
“I don’t know, my lord. He said he was going to investigate a weird energy in the Warp, and then disappeared.” Kitten replied, unable to move his arms to shrug. “Perhaps we could send the Ultramarines to go find him again?”
”Sure, why not. Now, let us end this supposedly comedic scene before it gets too long and get back to what we’re supposed to be doing.” The Emperor said.
Back in Equestria
”And so I thought I might find something fun to do with the dragons.” The Emperor shrugged. ”Maybe I ought to take over and get used to leading things again.”
“I… uh, well, I wouldn’t give up my reign without a fight…” Ember knew fully well that she stood no chance against The Emperor. He radiated power like the inside of a volcano radiates heat.
”And you’d probably die immediately.” The Emperor confirmed. ”How about we try co-ruling? It apparently worked for the ponies, and it’s obvious that the dragons are better than them.”
“I mean, that could work… but dragons have only ever had one ruler for… well, ever!” Ember replied. “We can’t just break tradition whenever we want to!”
”We sure as hell can.” The Emperor grinned. ”And with me helping you lead, I can assure you that the dragons will be more powerful than any other nation out there. We could even take over the entire planet.” He extended his not clawed hand. ”How about it? I could just slaughter you all and assert my dominance, but I’m in a chipper mood.”
“Uh… I guess I can agree with that…” she took his hand and shook it. “So, what’s your first plan for the dragons?”
The Emperor’s Throne Room
“Seriously? This is why you wanted me to join you?” Ember grumbled as she stepped over to the still relatively unscratched golden wall.
”Well, it’s a part of the reason. Ponies breaking tools against the wall is getting annoying.” The Emperor sat down in his throne, looking over at Celestia and Guilliman as Ember got to work heating up the gold with her flame breath. ”Girlyman, you can stop torturing her. I think she’s suffered enough.”
“Torture her? She’s torturing me! She has shot down every change I’ve offered!” Guilliman replied, appalled. “She’s worse than any tribal I’ve ever encountered!”
“Thank you, Emperor… I fear I would have attempted to burn your son to a crisp had he continued any longer…” Celestia smiled weakly, slowly sitting up.
”You deserved it.” The Emperor shrugged, watching as Ember finished what she had been tasked with. The now glowing hot golden wall simmered slightly, and Ember sighed.
“Have at it, ponies.” She grumbled, walking back over to the Emperor. “So, what REAL plans do you have to help the dragons?”
”We’ll gather them all together and form a proper fucking empire.” The Emperor said. ”Any who refuse to comply will be driven out of Imperial territory.”
“I… I’m sorry, Lord Ember, but what’s happening here?” Celestia asked, rubbing her neck nervously.
“I’ve agreed to allow the Emperor join me in ruling the dragon lands so he can make us a better nation.” Ember shrugged. “Forcefully uniting them all does sound pretty good, Emperor, but we’d be better off killing any who refuse to comply.”
”....” The Emperor looked down at her with a blank expression, whereas Celestia looked at her with horror.
“Kill them? Why in Equestria would you do that just because they refuse to comply?!” Celestia asked, horrified.
”You are my type of dragon.” The Emperor broke out into a rare grin. ”Fucking finally, someone who actually gets it! Kill them all it is!”
“Your majesty, we have a problem.” A member of the Royal Guard said, galloping into Celestia’s Throne Room, stopping in front of her throne as he bowed. “We have recently gotten reports of a giant, bipedal creature in armor making its way through Equestria. It has already killed at least a dozen civilians!”
“What?” Celestia gasped, her eyes suddenly alight with flaming rage. “It dares to harm my ponies?!”
“Y-yes, your majesty… shall I notify the Captain?” The Guard asked, quivering. An angry Celestia was not something ponies saw every day. But when it did happen, everypony knew to back away.
Celestia seemed to have suddenly calmed down, the flames erupting from her mane and wings dispersing just as spontaneously as they had appeared. “No, no. I won’t risk the lives of my ponies. Instead, I’ll be sending my expert on armored bipedal bastards…” Celestia smiled, but it was a cold one, filled with a tempered rage. The guard nodded quickly, and disappeared.
”Ember, when is that meeting with the dragons again? My Golden Senses are telling me that I’m about to have horsey problems.” The Emperor asked, writing down a new law book for the soon to be Imperium of Dragon. He still needed to think of a better name, but for now they were going with that.
“We still have a few weeks, maybe even a month. Depends on how quickly we get everything set up.” Ember sighed, grabbing her staff. “I’m gonna get going, if you’re gonna be having problems with the ponies.”
As she moved to leave, a golden psychic barrier blocked her path. ”This is a diplomatic meeting between the rulers of the Dragons and the ponies. You need to be here for this as well.” The Emperor said, putting his new lawbook away.
“Fine…” Ember grumbled, before the sound of an explosion suddenly burst into life right behind the doors to the Throne Room, flames pouring through the bottom and sides. However, they did not budge, having been built by Rogal Dorn, master of fortifications. Yet still the Emperor has to groan, as Ember had been so surprised she had leapt into the air and slammed her head into the ceiling, knocking her unconscious.
A few moments after the flames dissipated, Princess Celestia slowly pushed them open, coughing slightly. Her mane was burnt in several dozen places, making the blackened parts seem more like islands in a rainbow ocean. Her fur fared no better.
“Th-those doors… are surprisingly resilient…” She muttered, slightly embarrassed that her enraged and glorious entrance had been ruined by a simple pair of doors. She shook away this train of thought, though the Emperor did smirk after learning of these thoughts. “Emperor! One of your accursed sons has been traversing across Equestria, killing my subjects! I demand you go and deal with them immediately!”
”Oh? And what are you going to do to make me? You can’t even beat a pair of doors.” The Emperor asked, his usual smug aura intensified greatly. Celestia growled, her ethereal mane seeming to have turned to pure fire at the ends.
“Emperor, I swear if you do not deal with this problem, I will put you back on that glorified torture chair. Permanently.” Celestia growled, her eyes beginning to glow with power.
”Right. The pansy little pony is gonna hurt me. Sure.” The Emperor stood up and marched up to the solar princess, towering over her. ”You can very well try, bitch. But you’ll only get one shot before I obliterate you from every realm of being.” His stone cold eyes met hers, and she buckled as his intimidating aura sapped her of any strength, replacing it with fear unquestioned. She fell to the floor, gasping for breath as the Emperor stepped past her and picked up his unconscious co-ruler.
”Me and Ember are going out for a walk. When you’re done pissing yourself all over my floor, clean yourself up and get out.” The Emperor stated as he stepped through the open doorway. ”Otherwise I might use your face to clean up that puddle.” He smiled as he left.
Once he was far away from the Golden Throne Room, he burst out in full, hearty laughter. ”Oh, that was too fucking funny! Ponies are too soft. Not like myself, or dragons. Well…” He glances at the unconscious Ember in his arm. ”That remains to be seen.”
Somewhere in Equestria
“Keep up, my hideous pets! I, Cato Sicarius, needs you to be there to amplify I, Cato Sicarius’ incredible good looks as I, Cato Sicarius, rescue the Emperor from the clutches of this world!” The blue Space Marine declared proudly, looking back at the three furless guardsponies trailing behind him. “If I, Cato Sicarius, have to tell you one more time, then I, Cato Sicarius, will drag you ugly mutts by your chains as I, Cato Sicarius, move with all haste to rescue the Immortal Emperor!” With that he once again resumed marching over several hills, the group making their way to the massive mountain in the distance
“If that horrible thing says ‘I, Cato Sicarius’ one more time, I think my oiled body will collapse in agony…” the middlepone whispered to his partners, who nodded in agreement.
“Yes, we must find a way to escape this perpetual torment of blue. But these chains seem almost impenetrable!” The trio’s leader grumbled as they followed behind Cato Sicarius, hefting up the iron chain wrapped around his neck. Similar chains were wrapped around the others, and each had a number of bruises from the journey.
“Mm, yes, and we must warn Celestia and our Glorious Emperor Of this blue things coming. But how?” The last of them asked, his hideous skin having been unlubricated for a long time now.
“We shall find a way, my brethren, chosen of the Emperor.” The leader states proudly. “And then the Emperor himself can smite this… ugly blueberry himself.”
Ponyville, a few hours later
”So a Space Marine of sorts has been murdering the population here? What method of murder did he use?” The Emperor asked the Royal Guardspony, who trembled before him.
“W-well, mister Emperor, every victim had their spines broken. The murderer appears to be headed towards Canterlot, given the trail, but we’ve not seen hide nor hair of it at the barriers.” The Guard explained.
”Right. How long ago were these barriers erected?” The Emperor asked.
“Uh, when the accounts of murders was first confirmed heading towards Canterlot, sir.” The Guardspony explained. “There is currently a barrier all around Canterlot Mountain, and nothing has even attempted to breach it. Most of the ponies in Ponyville have been evacuated for now.”
“Wow. And here I thought you guards were infamous for being useless little decorations!” Ember spoke up, somewhat surprised. The Guardspony scoffed at her statement.
”Anyways, we’ll be going in now. Open it up or I’ll break through it myself.” The Emperor stated bluntly. The pony nodded, and soon an Emperor-sized hole was made for them. They stepped through confidently, and it closed behind them.
“So, Emperor, any idea of who is killing the ponies?” Ember asked.
”I know exactly who it is. I can also sense him too. He’s about a kilometer to the west.” The Emperor replied, walking in that direction. ”I, for one, am not looking forward to this.”
“What, is he some old enemy of yours?” Ember asked curiously. Anything the Emperor didn’t enjoy would probably be a serious problem.
”No. One of my kids.” The Emperor grumbled, a neutral expression upon his face. ”You will ought to want to need to stay behind a building or two when we encounter him. He’s likely to accidentally kill you like he did the ponies that have been reported.”
“What, you think he did all this accidentally?” Ember asked, extremely confused as she hovered behind the Emperor.
”Most definitely.” they continued on in silence.
Around an hour later, the Emperor held out his gauntlet, stopping Ember mid flight. ”He’ll be here in a few moments. Go find a building to hide in.” The Emperor stated grudgingly. Ember nodded, quickly ducking into one of the nearby buildings. Once she was gone, the Emperor flexed out his clawed hand in preparation for battle. This would probably be one of his most difficult battles yet, and the Emperor didn’t know for sure if he was ready to face this foe. His sword would be useless; his claw would work better against his attacks.
From the window of her building of choice, Ember looked on, eyes filled with fear for what she was about to witness. If the Emperor Of all creatures was worried, then truly this opponent was a great threat. Not to mention that this child of his killed many ponies on accident. perhaps they were so mighty that they simply crushed the ponies underfoot? It was certainly plausible.
The Emperor readied himself, as he could sense the presence of his son coming around the corner-
A hulking armored humanoid suddenly burst through the building in front of the Emperor, the Master Of Mankind woefully unprepared for this sudden assault. He kept the debris from impacting his perfect features with a hastily made barrier, but the barrier broke immediately when the attacker wrapped both arms around the Emperor and squeezed him in a death hold, the Emperor’s armor buckling under his immense strength as he laughed.
“Father! What a pleasant surprise!” The being laughed. “I had been looking for you to give ya da big friendly hug!”
”V-Vulkan, release me immediately!” The Emperor groaned uncomfortably, giving a small glare into those unreasonably gleeful magma eyes, surrounded by a charcoal black skin.
Somewhere else in Equestria
“Magnus, are you certain that this was the place?” Guilliman asked as they looked down at the large hole leading into the darkness below.
“Yes. I had been sensing a… well, let’s say familiar presence somewhere on this planet for a while now. This place seems to have a connection to the Immaterium, and to this presence.” Magnus explained, carefully descending down the hole. “Brother, please don’t tell me you are the kind to be afraid of getting dirty after ten millennia.” He asked as he looked up at the Primarch of the Ultramarines, who had not moved from his spot.
“Of course not. I am not our brother, Fulgrim.” Guilliman stated, before following the Cyclops into the tunnel.
After a few minutes of crawling (and bickering), the tunnel opened up into a surprisingly small room, shrouded in darkness. Magnus used his psychic might to garner a simple flame into the palm of his hand, illuminating the room for them to see.
In the center of the cavern, a throne had been built, a faded bronze glinting from the scarlet flames erupting from Magnus’ hand. Strange objects were littered across the ancient floor, and Magnus picked one in particular to examine.
“This is a Star Of Chaos…” Magnus examined the throne much more carefully. Scribbled across its surface were oaths and scriptures dedicated to the Ruinous Powers, faded with time and written over by fresher verses. “Most interesting…”
“So this wretched hole was a hideout for a traitorous wretch? We should burn it and report to father.” Guilliman snorted angrily.
“Wait, Brother. Something doesn’t make sense…” Magnus said, holding Guilliman’s arm. “The tunnel we crawled through was recently made, yet this room is… ancient.”
“So the presence you felt must have been digging through here and discovered this place. What of it?” Roboute asked indignantly.
“No. The way the tunnel is dug leads me to believe that something dug its way out of here. Plus that giant pile of dirt over there.” He gestured to what was indeed a massive pile of dirt. “But the Warp’s presence… it’s really strong here.” He wandered about the room, examining all of the barely readable depictions on the wall. He paused as he neared a corner, who’s shadows refused to abate even when Magnus held his flame right next to it. “It’s especially strong here…” he stuck his hand through the shadows, and pulled it back, looking at the shadowy corner in curiosity.
“What are you planning, bookworm?” Guilliman asked, standing next to the sorcerer king.
“I can feel… something beyond this Shadow…” Magnus said, before stepping into it and disappearing entirely. Roboute sighed, debating whether or not he should knock Magnus unconscious and drag him back to their father.
“Come now, brother, it’s just a corner. Let us return to father and-“ Guilliman moves to pull Magnus back from the shadowy corner, but was surprised to find that his brother wasn’t there. “What in father’s name?! Magnus! You had better not be screwing with me!” Guilliman growled, stepping into the shadows to find his red-skinned brother.
His ire dissipated when he stepped out in an entirely different room. Daemonic faces covered the walls, while more humanoid features seemed to be screaming out in perpetual torment. But most of the walls were covered in the human-skin parchments utterly covered in words that made no sense to the Primarch of the Ultramarines. In the center of the room was a simple table, and a throne that could only be described as daemonically possessed. Candles flickered as Magnus examined the walls.
“Guilliman… do you know where we are?” He asked, turning to face his brother. There was a horrified glint in his eyes.
“Some sort of shrine to the Ruinous Powers?” Roboute offered.
“Not just that… I can feel where we are. This isn’t that abhorrently cheerful land of horses. This is the Daemon World of Sicarus… the homeworld of the Word Bearers.”