World renowned author of the Procrastination Manifestation
Diamond Tiara is strong. She is powerful. She married into nobility by way of Lord Amour Loyal, and has worked tirelessly to bring fame and glory to her noblehouse.
She is tired of playing second fiddle. She is tired of Amour getting the praise for her hard work. Soon, it will all be worth it. Soon, she will take what is rightfully hers...
...And who could blame her for having a bit of a fun along the way?
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Too short to invest in any real emotions. We never meet the maid. The guy already comes off as totally untrustworthy and yet someone as supposedly careful as Diamond somehow believes the most loyal of servants to the king would so easily betray? Plausible. Especially if since her weakness for wanting to be sexed up is heavily implied. But much of it is told and feels like we skipped past all the good setup and simply told what we should see and feel.
Nicely written, just not very engaging. Shakespeare has moments like these, but it focuses on the intricacies of the characters around them and how each action ripples across to affect other characters that eventually lead to understanding their motivations. What was Diamond's motivation? Just to be rid of a pony who doesn't make love to her enough? What would make her risk everything for something so fleeting?
Wish I could have seen what this made as seen so much to get her to betray Diamond, yet somehow feel so much remorse for the mistress who kept her so close. What sweet nothings and twisted words did this stallion whisper into that mare's ears?
Nicely written. Just not one that really does anything but say she's a tyrant because and then she dies because she loved the "D" too much. The maid is possibly my biggest gripe. Came out of left field.
Keep practicing. If ever, I'd love to read a proper fuller story of this. Something that really evokes emotions for the characters.
6516744
Thank you for the criticism. I'm fine with having a bad story... When people actually tell me what I've done wrong! You were the first to do so, and I appreciate it.
This was originally a short writing assignment for my creative writing class. Although that explains the lack of... any actual development, it's no excuse. If I have the time, I think I'll take you up on your suggestion to flesh this story out. There's really no reason I shouldn't be giving 100℅ right?
Thanks again!
6522706
Certainly not if it's a field you feel passionate about and/or wish to seek a future in some form of writing medium.
Best of luck in class and best wishes towards whatever you seek to do in your future!
By the way, nice the coverart.