- Member Since 24th Sep, 2015
- offline last seen Jun 1st, 2016
Stevobobevo123
I'm 19 and I'm a brony, I love Destiny, and Sunset Shimmer is #1 Pony/Human :D. I am also an editor
Stevobobevo123
Joined 24th Sep, 2015 ·
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6508673
By what is obviously going to happen in this fic, that statement is quite literal.
So... Yeah... So many things wrong here.
And in the name of constructive criticism, here's some suggestions:
A. Paint the scene more. Describe the setting, the people (or in this case the ponies), their actiins, everything really
B. Establish the age of the participants. This is more so you don't trigger the pedo response. A simple passage saying they're high school seniors or college freshmen and boom, instant delicious legality.
C. Expand your vocabulary. Dear Christ, you used the phrase 'game night' 6 times in 5 sentences.
D. Build up the relationship. If they've been friends for x years, there's going to be enough drama going into a romantic/physical relationship.
E. Either make your summary fit the events better, or actually make the kiss an accident. Cuz here? Deliberate as hell.
F. Spruce up your dialogue. Dear god, man, it is so stiff. Punctuation, grammar variance, describing how they say something. Just make them sound less like they're reading drug info and more like they're holding conversations.
G. Learn some basic anatomy. You don't fuck a clit, slit yes, but NOT a CLIT. Also, assuming that they're young and inexperienced, show some doubt, hesitation, shock, and daze. And cut back on the porn talk, its terrible
H. Flesh out the sex scene. I know that was what you wanted to get to anyway, so make it better. Add some decent foreplay, besides I doubt Sweetie sleeps commando anyway.
I. Character stability. This may be solved in the course of correcting everything less, but I am a stickler for details. Stay consistent with character portrayals. Example, you have Sweetie Belle go from shy and insecure to blatant sex fiend in 10 seconds flat. Yeah... no, that does not work.
In summary, slow your pacing, expand your vocabulary, redo the dialogue, focus on the characters and their interactions
6510388 Why don't you just be quiet ok. I understand the story is bad, no terrible, but I am a great editor. I have helped plenty of people get their books out to Fimfiction and their books have done amazing. I tried to have a fun story between these two but apparently you can't see that. I am sorry that the story was a complete fail but I am a pretty darn good editor if I do say so myself.
Alright, well, let's take a look at the story. I'm sure your work will speak for itself.
Comma splice one sentence in. You suck.
6510451 You know what, fine I quit. I am sorry it was so bad to all of you. You know I would have liked at least a little bit of nice comments because I did try hard on this story and I wish you could see that, but forget it, you obviously hated it so much.
6510541 I don't know about you, but I think constructive criticism is the nicest of all comments. Any random person can praise your story, but do they really mean it? While here in the comments you have folks who took time to provide meaningful insight and ways to improve your skills, they didn't have to do it, they chose to.
If all you wanted is meaningless and shallow praise, then you are barking up the wrong tree. Only people who really care will tell you the truth. If I do something stupid, my best friend will rip me a new one and I won't hear the end of it, while some yob will just say it's ok and go on about his day.
I would like you to continue, keep writing and get better. You are doing better (not much) than some other writers here.
And finally, my piece of advice.
Get a proofreader, having a second set of eyes and opinion is invaluable if you are new to writing yourself.
Good luck and I hope to see you keep pursuing your writing passion.
6511561 Thank you and you're right I don't know what came over me but thank you, I will continue writing and you are right I should get a proofreader.
Thank you again.
Sincerely:
InsertJewishNameHere
6511707 you are most welcome, looking forward to seeing more of your fics.
Never give up, the smallest improvement is still an improvement.
Cheers.
Dem dislikes tho...
Being a fan of ButtonBelle, I ignored the dislikes and jumped into this story. The beginning is pretty good, with only pacing and grammar errors. But, ah, the moment they go to Sweetie's house, the pacing throws itself into a blender and buries itself alive.
We know nothing about the game other than it's name and Button was killed by a 'creeper' (I know what game it is, but pretend we all have amnesia and we have never seen the Internet before). And what, he came over to her house at like what, 3:30-5:00? They spent about 6 hours on that game and that was the only bit worth mentioning? That scene needs more detail. But then the ToD. It felt rushed, that's all I have to say. Now, here's where the pacing sets the blender to liquefy.
The show depicts the school's age group as 10-13. So, these 10-13 year olds proceed to clop with an adult right there in another room. Oh, and what was going through Button's head? Was he reminded of the ''clop 'er 'ight in the pussy' meme? This act of sexuality had no point to exist, other than so the story could have an M tag and point it out in the description like it should be bragged about. What you pushed into 1000 words shout be about 7500 minimum.
Overall Scoring:
Pacing: 0/3
Plot Focus: 1/2
Detailing: 1/4
ButtonBelle: 1/1
Final score: 3/10: please revisit and revise!
(and on another note, deleting comments attracts trolls like Kim Cardashian attracts butt-pirates)
interesting...
That is all.
Equanamarians, Unite!
Sincerely,
King Equalar
(King of Equanamria)
6561804
Nope I just died laughing from that comment
Look lad if you fix the grammar errors and match the character dialog to words they as a character would use the story would be fine, your getting all this bad feedback simply because...the internet.