3041314
I thank you greatly for the reply, it means a lot to have this input !

I love the allusion to Lovecraftian style in this message. Quite a wonderful artist of the word, that fellow. I do see his writing style, and the portrayal of the character's emotions in this, but I am unsure how to link this to the character I am writing. I have no idea how to describe a character's backstory because usually, it comes off as "too much info that gets too forgettable" or "2+2 don't give us 4" / "show don't tell". If you could show me how this can be done to avoid these types of comments, I would be very grateful.

On a note, I am unsure exactly what makes the character unhinged, as you said, and what exactly about him is missing. I would like to ask for more clarification on these since it seems like you mean to say I don't tell enough. I am unsure exactly how to go about "sobering him up" and making him relatable (?).

If you could expand on what you mean by "sobering him up" and how he is "unhinged" with possible examples of these features and a way this could be shown better or done differently, and an expansion on character description, please ? I would be very happy to have some back and forth about it.

Thank you very much for the feedback, it means very much !

I really had to take a minute and think about what I wanted to say. I feel that there is an issue, but wasn't sure just how to put it.

I think I have it now.

Your four chapters in, and I'm having trouble connecting with the main character, and I realized that its because he is basically unhinged. I like your writing style, but I think you may have to be more careful over where you focus on using it.

Consider the following By China Miéville

The river twists and turns to face the city. It looms suddenly, massive, stamped on the landscape. Its light wells up around the surrounds, the rock hills, like bruise-blood. Its dirty towers glow. I am debased. I am compelled to worship this extraordinary presence that has silted into existence at the conjunction of two rivers. It is a vast pollutant, a stench, a klaxon sounding. Fat chimneys retch dirt into the sky even now in the deep night. It is not the current which pulls us but the city itself, its weight sucks us in. Faint shouts, here and there the calls of beasts, the obscene clash and pounding from the factories as huge machines rut. Railways trace urban anatomy like protruding veins. Red brick and dark walls, squat churches like troglodytic things, ragged awnings flickering - From Perdido Street Station By China Miéville

He uses the lovecraftian style to do two things here. He uses it to describe the city It's the first real look the reader get of the alien metropolis. But it is also used to describe the emotions and feelings of the character as he enters the city. The alliteration and emotion are used to lock the reader in. The reader in a paragraph has a strong understanding of the city and what the character thinks about it.

What it doesn't do is tell you really anything about the character, just his emotional state. When he is done with the overview, he spends several paragraphs telling the reader about whom the character is, and a few hints to both his past and that he is looking for something. Throughout the first few chapters he uses a few paragraphs here and there to give us a better understanding on the character and more importantly, he begins to build on making the character likable. I think that may be what's missing here.

In my opinion, you're neglecting the important aspect that is letting the reader know who your character is. We have a strong grasp of what is going on around him and how he feels about it, but we can't connect with the character because you haven't given us enough to work with.

I wanted to give a snippet of how Lovecraft did his character histories, but I couldn't do that. I never realized how long it takes Lovecraft to say, 'The guy went to collage.' (Hint, its two pages. 😎 )

Again, in my opinion this is a great start for your story, but you may want to consider sobering the guy up and giving readers something to identify with.

The Monk
“Come into my parlor, Ted. I have cookies!” -Reykan

3038890
an interesting thing to wake up to, thanks for the fun fact of the day.

You created American Interventionism, leading to the US being the World Police.

3036132
that is correct

Woodrow Wilson?

Thank you for the fav on virtual mischief augmented darkness.

2346661 That fucking long

2346605 manage what?

2346498 How did you manage that

2346334 it's only embarrassing me.

I literally sat at your homepage or like, ten or twenty minutes looking arpund.

Stop looking at me, it's embarrassing!

2345467 you are welcome, just contributing to your goals!

Thanks for the follow.

Thank you for the fave on Derailed.

2312969 idr im on hiatus

That sprite in your avatar, where did you get it? You respond to comments by moving your mouse over to the right hand side of the comment that you want to respond to and then clicking on the >> that appears.