deaincaelo
Joined 9th Jul, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- deaincaelo · 2.5k words · 36 3 · 1.1k views
- Bobbles · 186k words · 2,199 46 · 30k views
- Bobbles · 561k words · 2,985 75 · 44k views
- musicman722 · 11k words · 1,440 40 · 28k views
- TittySparkles · 2.1k words · 1,367 52 · 24k views
- Flammenwerfer · 12k words · 1,001 36 · 30k views
- MisterEdd · 4.7k words · 628 20 · 15k views
- Klamnei · 23k words · 719 26 · 11k views
Featured In1
Stats
Page generated in 0.128 seconds
Total duration
892 users online
552,158 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I don't understand? What happened, can you explain?
6214502
Did you have a specific question? In the short of it, two ponies in a rather unique little shard have a conversation about things.
And, realizing that all is not well, the latter quits his job and distracts himself with hedonism.
6215363
I see the problem. You're jumping everywhere; it isn't clear who's who and what they're doing at any given time (my best guess is that the character doing the calculations is also fucking the other character at the same time, but that's just a guess.) You also fail to establish the setting; it is only through my familiarity with Friendship is Optimal that I know this fic takes place in a virtual world, but I can't tell if it is supposed to be post-Earth or post-Equestria.
6215412
Ah. Hard to follow. Fair enough. It happens when you write it all in one sitting and post with no prereader. Thanks for the feedback.
I have no idea what this is supposed to be about because you don't tell us.
The story starts off one way but then changes to something else with out telling the reader or it self that it changed but it is not mentioned again. Also known as a "Big Liped Aligator Moment."youchew.net/wiki/images/7/73/Big_Lipped_Trumpet_Playing_Alligator_Moment_%3B).JPG
6217895
I'm not sure I understand. It's just a conversation.
I do not find this story bad one just has to remember that
and that this is normal for them.
I would like to see more.
6218289
Well, this is a one off short, so i doubt I'll be doing any real worldbuilding here. Although I understand the story desperately needs it. Perhaps if there's anything I think of to improve this story as is I'll include it in this story though.
Damn deaincaelo, you don't seem to get a break from nobody.
Honestly, this story is hard to follow. Maybe this is asking for some hand holding... no... I just want some context. Where are they. What's Life Charm doing when Keen Mind getting a hoof job? What do these guys or gals look like. What the fuck are they talking about when they are fucking sucking a dick? Are they trying figure out if they are real or their society is too perfect or if they are in a computer program? What? It's bare bones broken.
It needed more words.
But the words you do have are pretty good. I think you might have knack for writing smut. My pervert senses are tingling.
6302048
Thanks, this is exactly what I need in feedback. Maybe I should be more explicit when I say "unedited" it means "stream of consciousness not checked for readability, understandability, or complete sentences." I need someone to go through, preferably line by line, and say what they think is going on, vs what is supposed to be going on. . . like how this isn't supposed to be smut really.
6304540 I know. When you post a story, people are not going to give a shit if they can't understand what you are saying. People can be judgmental when they get frustrated. Purpose of this site (one of them) is to read read and write about ponies. Form a community based on ponies. Good or Bad. As long you get something from this and know why you wrote it - cool. Not telling shit you don't know.
Still... As for this not being smut... I get that. Just saying (and you don't have to do this under this account) if you wrote smut or something more adult I would read it. Why? Potential you got. You got some weird shit here I think is neat. If you want to put the time in, it might be worth it. This depends on how you want to spend your time because this place is not to be all and end all of a life.
I write this knowing I know jack nothing.
At first I misinterpreted it as if each planetary system had pony population proportional to absolute energy output of the system's star (which kinda makes sense in a strangely optimized world). But since it's apparent brightness, I'm quite confused: what does "normalization" even mean here?
8076625
I see your point. I honestly hadn't considered that problem, since the sun's apparent brightness makes normalization infeasible. Maybe I should change it to luminosity, or maybe find a way to make normalization to apparent brightness work. It *is* supposed to be a sign that something bizarre is happening.
I know this fic needs work, I'm just not sure what it needs to work.
8077600
I think up to "brightness" point it is pretty nice and realistic take on normalcy bias related things in a very (by our standards) non-normal world. There is a only minor issue with:
To say something like that they must have a notion of "fucking in public" being a "bad thing", which they apparently don't have (but reader do). Their first thought about ancestors would probably be something quantitative like "... that fucked rarer than once a month".
Keen Mind deciding "fuck this shit, I'm outta here" in the end was very realistic, but kinda anticlimactic: unlike reality stories are expected to have a message or something.
Another possibility is, of course, me completely missing the story's point
8080170
Yeah, the brightness is supposed to be a clue that Keen just figured out that *his world can't exist* sort of like those old RPG maps where going north spit you out of the south pole.
Hrm, maybe a better thought on what Puritanical would be would work. After all, we're talking about a normal of a third of the day devoted to sex but we're also talking about someone who (by his own standards) is completely Puritanical. He doesn't even count the blowjob in the bathroom as lewd. It's an interesting challenge to signal the mis-calibration well.
8080170
6214502
6215412
6217380
6302048
Story updated, hopefully clearer now.
8091262 it is clearer now, but let me see if I understand this correctly? (warning stream of consensus incoming)
In this simulation(?) sex is more open and everything is automated to with point that any jobs that do exist are jobs that rely on creativity or are just there to keep the citizens occupied.
Someone mentioned friendship is optimal, now i'm not familiar with it i've only read it once a while ago, So is this a simulation created for a human to live in or just to simulate ponies.
In it you said the system marks them all as the same. so does that mean that Keen and the rest of them are sapient (like humans) or are they just fancy simulations, may be Keen is/was human and has forgotten?
What is the total population? same number of young as old is odd. how long do they live they must be mortal if so then the human would be dead and so this a simulation for no reason. of not do they not realise that they don't change from day to day.
I must say good job. I now can define my confusion as opposed to just feel confused.
(I'm probably confused because I have only red one FiO story)
4/5
wish there was more but does well with what is there.
8091262
Yay!
I feel really stupid because of not thinking of this earlier, but has system manipulated Keen Mind into his final decision to "dust off the interface for sexual activity" by feeding him bizarre false information on purpose?
8091654
simulation: check. automation of industry: check. Implied human: check.
Life's theory is that the entire simulation is the same person, with bits of his/her psyche spun off to be the various ponies, or otherwise forked. not confirmed. “Apparently we're all the same pony.”
They are not mortal, and need not reproduce or age. “We're not like animals. We don't die. We can change ourselves. The rules are not the same.”
I don't know the population. The demographics in there is just to say "something is weird!"
8092096 thanks TBH I was just typing with little to no filter
Still over my head.
6215363
Ok, but why is not all well? What's with the talk about entropy and negentropy?
9874474
So, I think it's clear that Keen Mind is a researcher specializing in Negentropy. As for what is wrong and why it's wrong we don't know because spoiler: Keene noped the fuck out when he realized that aspects of his reality are incredibly, absurdly non physical.
Maybe I'll do a follow up at some point, idk. Probably not.
It made sense to me, but then... I am very weird.
9875259
So why did you put this in Non-canon? I don't see anything in here that goes against the established rule for FiO.
Also I had no problem following the conversation or what was going on.
9938931
A shard with only one person in it would hard-violate CelestAI's Friendship requirement.
9942334
I figured it was just a manipulation by CelestAI to steer them away from things that that ultimately wouldn't satisfy their values. They are obviously different ponies at the time of the story.