- Member Since 16th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen July 30th
musicman722
Now that I'm done with all my obligations, I shall wri- oh look, a distraction!
musicman722
Joined 16th Apr, 2012 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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musicman722 · 14k words · 606 15 · 7.7k views
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i want to see how the family life goes..
Oh my!
That was interesting!
Not to mention very well written!
Good job!
sorry
4-12-1;2-8-4;1-1-3;2-1-1;7-3-4;3-2-1;6-1-4;7-6-3
makeameme.org/media/created/YOU-HAD-MY.jpg
I just have to look to your avatar for a response to this: "Why so hilarious?" I don't know, it just is.
5302748 for what?
5302874 Disliking it, maybe? Still, OFC, you could at least explain why >:\
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Take my favorite, and care for it. Raise it well, so it can be the best favorite ever.
Will there be more of this?
That Vilian looks better as a female, sorry i forgett how to spell his name but there is only one in this story.
Not bad.
So, did the heat magic only affect the temple grounds, or did it bring a massive, although brief, orgy upon the whole of Equestria?
I really hope it's the latter
Looks like a big 'thank you' from me. I've been wondering if someone was gonna do a R63 story regarding those two. This pairing is as rare as heck, even rarer that it'd be r63.
Anyway, it's really well written. Character interaction was great, the pacing was perfect imo, and despite the fact they're gender swapped (so personality doesn't have to be perfect to canon) their personalities felt pretty dead on and quite believable. You definitely earned a fav and a thumbs up!
5303452 more like the area of the ancient city imo. It was designed to help with the city's population problems
this was a pretty good read, I wonder how Derringer is going to handle a hormonal pregnant lady?
Great story
Lol
Ok I liked this story a lot! Now I hope to see more sometime :3
5302748 what are you sorry for?
5303888 its pretty vanilla, though a bit crazed due to the magic. Like on a scale of 1 to Molestia, its a 2 and that's being generous. It starts just after Ahuizota puts the final ring on, and ends at the [*****] break. After that, its some talking and simple shipping.
i.ytimg.com/vi/Vhp9npyrpyA/maxresdefault.jpg
I was like that for almost throughout the whole story....
...until I burst out laughing.
Holy shit yes!
I disagree with the title some. That ancient ritual worked just fine!
Just not in the way Ahuizota thought...
Good another!
5303452 Me too, and it would be great to see him write some different (and awkward) scenarios across Equestria.
'S good.
R63 Daringzotl? All my yes! All my yes!
5304579 I had a feeling you'd like it. Was it better than you anticipated?
I thought this was so interesting. I love the idea of R63 Ahuizotl
I can imagine Rainbow Dash (Blitz in this case, I guess?) reading this and being like,
Very well done, in any case. Take a thumbs up, and a favorite.
5304643 naw, she/he would either squee at the ship or cry because her/his OC (totally not a self insert >.>) isn't shipped with Derring Do
I honestly think this is one of the best fics ive ever read especially in a series.
Mmmmm. Lovely. Though, I find distaste in poorlywritten mindset, (even under magical influence...) 'tis the reason why I always study the matter. While it is your story and your work, there are very few places that could ahve been a lot better. Ending is perfect, however, a few spots along the end of the climb to the apex were off, as well as nearly every bit of the wind down.
See, it's not the failure to recognize the more complicated to understand fact that people react to certain things specifically, it's more a mistake on your part for not considering their personalities. A personality change can be worthwhile and desired by some people for Ahuizota, making her more of a lust craved being, but changing the mindset of Derring as well would be a mistake.
Specifically, Ahuizota, even with a change of mindset, like one craving more towards Lustful intentions, would have given a much different reply than when she woke up. Acting with lustful intentions over the course of being influenced by the magic of the temple is perfect. Derring is on another topic and it's a bit hard for me to think it over...
I guess I could start with saying he'd give a reply better than "I'll take full responsibility." See, Derring is supposed to be one of those "cool" characters. So, something more along the lines of him replying to Ahuizota with "I don't mind.", is about mroe right than what you originally wrote him in as replying to him acting smuggly and saying he'd take responsibility.
Wah tyou could have done was get Ahuizota to react more...well, the term could be "more clearly." She overreacted and 'forgot', which people don't do. If she she reacted with a more calm reply, say her waking up abruptly, but remembering the events of the past...erm...day (?) it would be easier to understand than a comical whowhathowwherewhy. With her smooth reaction, Derring could have replied with the proper mindset.
All in all, there are a few other personality sets that could have replaced the two, of whcih one was a fatherly-motherly personality of the two. Given that the artifact was meant for breeding, it'd fit. This idea is also a bit on the original side, and this story is completely original, so, for a first, it's very well done.
4 out of 5. Makes me want to write my own evil heiress and hero love combination. I do not intend to do an Eris, based story, though I ahve a cute/sad one I coudl write about ehr...
Do you take offense to constructive criticism? Or do you jsut take offense to this in general because it doens't look like criticism to me, and I wrote it. :/
5304893 I understand where you're coming from
. I was trying my best to get the personalities right throughout it, especially at the end
. I felt like Derring didn't outright hate Ahuizota, more like he didn't like what she did and tried to stop her for some reason 
(much like the one for preventing the rings from coming together). Which is why he turns to liking Ahuizota at the end and, knowing that he was responsible for her pregnancy, he decides to give her a chance.
However, this fic was also written for the silliness of the situation
. The thoughts of a tsundere Ahuizota being embarrassed wouldn't leave unless i wrote it down
.
Also, i like constructive critiques
5305001
Understandable. Although I do have distaste for tsundere, I won't berate a writer for using such a method. Or anyone for that matter. To all his own.
5305001 so, are you going to write another chapter for this?
5305297 Most likely. I had some silly ideas of them meeting Derring's parents, and shenanigans of the married life
Derring-
Ahuizota-Uh, yeah. That's what I just said.
Interesting story.
5302748 4-12-1;2-8-4;1-1-3;2-1-1;7-3-4;3-2-1;6-1-4;7-6-3
Ring any bells?
Anyways, I love this story. Really hoping for a sequel.
Definitely gonna have to do the whole post-birth family epilogue thing.
It's fun, even if it is a little short.
Edit: I just realized that this could be turned into a series of slice-of-life one-shots detailing the everyday lives of these two. Fluff with comedy, romance, and some more development between them as they adjust from their...previous occupation towards a more sedate lifestyle and have it all lead up to the birth.
The diary concept is an interesting one that could persist and be used as bookends to the chapters and a means of skipping through time in a less jarring fashion.
Overall, I liked this story. The diary bit at the start was kind of off-putting; it's probably just me, though. Everything afterwards was fantastic. You didn't go overboard with the clop, which is a small blessing in itself. The pacing was great. I never once thought a scene had overstayed its welcome, or flew by too fast. The concept was decent, but for someone with such vivid fantasies, I can't help but wonder if Ahuizota was entirely ignorant of the purpose of the rings. You also left yourself some loose ends, which is always a great thing to do if you're encouraging spin-offs or eventually plan to do another chapter. Also, rule 63, which I almost-immediately approve.
All said, if I had to rate this, it would be around 8.5/10. But I don't have to rate it, so the numbers mean nothing.
5305660 Is that a WoT avatar!? That's a rare sight to me!
5305697 huh, i thought that space was weird. No idea what it means. Looks like those ciphers on Gravity Falls that i don't know how to decode
5305660
You get 5 mustaches for that WoT avatar.
All hail Matrim Cauthon!
5305790 Thanks. Glad you liked it. Btw, if it wasn't implied enough, Ahuizota isn't exactly the best translator. Plus, she didn't quite understand the context of the temple like Derring did, hence the mistake.
And yes, i do plan on a bonus chapter or two after this. Just silly romance shenanigans.
5305702 Ohhh, much fluff of the romantic life after this. Next one is meeting the parents
. That one is going to be really funny. I may do some preggo and family fluff as well.
5306019
Wow, I might actually use that quote, and that name. I'll be sure to credit you.
This isn't intended to start anything; I'm just wondering what the mindset behind it is. Good story, regardless of this nitpick, though~
5305987 Prince of Ravens OP. Please nerf.
i hope this isnt a one shot because it would make a good story...
its not very often that there is a "derring do" and "Auizota" story
5306179 psshh, his luck would get him out of being nerfed....and get laid at the same time. I ship Matuon.
5306161 Wait, i'm not sure what you're nitpicking. Is it Derring's mindset on taking responsibility, or that he was trying to avoid getting her pregnant initially?
If it's the former then,.....crap. I got nothing. At least he's not victim blaming
. Please don't shoot me for that.
5306254
Both things go hand in hand there. It doesn't make any sense because Derring was strapped down and the person who tied him up fucked him. It's just odd that you had him say "I'm taking responsibility" because pregnancy was very clearly something he was avoiding and couldn't do much to stop.
If the genders were reversed (or put back to what they were originally in this case), Ahuizol ties down Daring and has his way with her, then the story made her essentially say "I'm taking responsibility for something you did to me", that wouldn't strike you as odd? You wouldn't say Daring thinking it was her fault was ridiculous?
And no, I'm not saying he can't have a family with her, I'm not saying that Derring was raped either, you made it clear that (despite the whole tying up thing) it was something they both enjoyed. I'm saying that maybe the quote is a bit out of place and what it implies isn't what was reflected in the story prior to it. "I'm taking responsibility" implies that Derring wanted to get her pregnant the entire time instead of what actually happened... you know, purposely pulling out to blow a load on himself, then make an attempt to wiggle through his bindings. I guess you could argue that after he broke from the rope, he wanted to do it inside as a result of the aphrodisiacs kicking in, but that just renders the situation an "Oh no, we both made a mistake" not an "I'm sorry for doing you without a condom. Looks like I should take responsibility for what I did."
I dunno, the quote just makes it sound like he thinks he was at fault for something she did to him.