• Member Since 4th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen July 6th

El Hombre

Comments ( 11 )

The plot points in the story are mostly cliches, but I did like Fluttershy having a previous fantasy about being with a human, as it gives the story a decent progression forward instead of just having them suddenly jump each other. A human fetish isn't exactly uncommon, but it gives the story some originality.

That being said, the story still feels fairly rushed. It probably needs at least a few paragraphs of buildup where Fluttershy tries to ignore that she just told a random human she just met that she has a fantasy about humans; her going straight in for the sex isn't very in character for her. The extra buildup time would make the sex scene feel much more natural, since as it is now it just feels like it comes out of nowhere.

The story also suffers a bad case of show not tell. I know, I know, pretty much every story could use more show and less tell, but the beginning reads like one of my story organizers: a flat, lifeless, and simple series of statements about what is going to happen in the story. I know you probably just wanted to get to the clop part, which was actually pretty well written in comparison, but you'll lose a lot of readers by having a weak opening.

The actual clop itself is pretty good aside from a few grammatical and style errors, but I'm not sure how to explain them to you. I'm not the best at writing clop myself.

Overall I say you should try to go back to the actual plot area of the story and try to expand on it some more, possibly rewrite most of it, as well as send the whole story through a few (more) passes of proofreading by someone other than yourself.


Hey, thanks for the comment and the critics! :twilight smile:
As I started to write this story I thought of making it like the protagonist and Fluttershy are dating for a long while already and that she decides to have sex with him. But somehow I changed the whole thing to the current one, don't ask me why because I don't know either.
Would you say it would be better if the protagonist and Fluttershy, I don't know, would have a dinner, date or whatever? That would make the story shorter but also would give it more, i'm not sure how to say it, 'sense'?

You're absolutely right in the point that I wanted to go to the clop part really fast :twilightblush:, but hey, it's Fluttershy. But what I just not get is what you mean with 'show and tell' part. Does it have to do only with the beginning, or am i missing something out here?

The bad thing is that i have no one around me that is also into clop. Also my native language isn't english so there's also no one that can proofread my stories.


Pretty much anything that gives Fluttershy some time to warm up to the idea would be good. When I wrote that comment I was envisioning the two eating dinner together and allowing 'us' to slowly bring up the subject and talk her into it. Them going out for dinner as opposed to eating at her house (thus a date) could work, but I don't think ponies would just overlook the human in their midst. It'd probably more trouble than it's worth.

This is telling:
"You were sitting in your room as this all happened. You were watching the latest news about season 5 on your favourite pony-news website. Then, suddenly, a loud deafening rumble started out of nowhere. You panicked and ran around in your room searching for a way to stop it as all of a sudden a hole opened behind you and sucked you away from your room, away from your house, away from your world."

This is showing:
"The flicker of the monitor highlights your face as the browser's loading indicator spins. You sit back in your chair as the page fills with words and a large picture of a pony, with a large glaring title reading 'My Little Pony, Season Five'. You're just about ready to sit down and read when a low rumble grabs your attention. The sound rapidly grows louder, but a quick look around shows nothing out of the ordinary. As the sound grows loud enough to hurt your ears a growing concern in the back of your mind takes hold and you jump out of your chair in a panic, desperately searching around your room for any sign of what could be doing this. As you bend over to check under your bed a large, black hole suddenly appears in the center of your room, and before you realize what's going on you're pulled backwards into it, into the unknown."

That's not the best writing ever, but it'll serve to get the point across. When 'showing' you spend more time describing things than stating them. For example, instead of just saying that 'I' was looking through the news, I instead described what 'I' was seeing. It gets the same point across, but it reads less like a dry summary of events and more like what you'd actually be seeing if YOU were in the story.

Take a second to look around your room as you read this, and try to put into words all of what you're seeing, but instead of just dryly stating that you see a monitor, or a bed, or a dresser, instead describe them. Explain what color they are, say how the sheets on the bed are all wrinkled up, how the smooth wood of the dresser reflects the light, etc.

You'll notice that my passage was not only longer than yours, but also had many more complex sentences, which were longer and gave much more detail about what is going on. Tacking a bunch of short sentences together like you did takes the reader out of the story. Short sentences are jarring. They disorient you. They make you feel like you're reading. You should feel like you're 'you'. Reading isn't what 'you' are doing. Do you see what I mean?

Not being a primary English speaker won't stop you from finding someone to proofread your story. A quick google search came up with these groups on the site specifically for editing stories:

I never thought that Fluttershy would have sexual fantasies about being with a human.That guy who did her must have been waiting for that moment for many years scince he dives straight away in that pony pu.Overall goof story.:twistnerd:


Thank you, i guess. :twilight blush: Since there's a smiley at the end, do you mean 'goof' or 'good'?


Man, you should make a How-To on writing fanfics. :pinkie happy:

Now I finally get what 'show' or 'tell' means. Even my teachers in school couldn't perfectly explain it to me when I asked them. Thank you for explaining and showing me so well what the difference is.

I'm definitely going to change the plot part in the story. I'm not sure if i stick with the 'getting sucked away' thing or write it new all over and make a dinner scene or something. :pinkiesmile:

Why haven't I thought of proofreading groups earlier?:facehoof: Thanks for even giving me links to them.:pinkie happy:

Until then, THANK YOU again for the critics and helping me hopefully getting a better writer! :raritywink:


Thanks, but I don't know about all that. I've read a few fimfic writing guides, and I know that at least some of what I said was just repeating what I read. I'm glad to help either way.

Show vs tell is both one of the hardest parts about writing a story and also one of the most heavily criticised, at least amongst fan fiction writers. Showing requires much more thought and a deeper understanding of the language, so don't feel too bad if you can't get it right right away. It actually took me about two hours to rewrite that little passage I used as an example, if that's any consolation.

Part of the fun of writing is that you don't have to limit yourself. Change the story however you see fit,it is your story after all.

You're very welcome, and I'm glad I could help. Good luck with your story! :pinkiehappy:

I meant good.But seriously good story.:twilightsmile:


Well, thank you then ^^
I'm glad you liked it. :pinkiehappy:

That pic at the start really fits in with it:yay:

Dang, Fluttershy knows how to make cute look sexy. I love stories like these. Especially if it's my #1 favorite pony ad waifu, she's the best pony in my book, no doubt about it

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