Return to Equestria (Edited)
A lone ship was orbiting a plant called Equis. The ship is a modified AIAT/I class gunship called the the Presever. In the ship are 3 natives of this planet with their adopted older brother. His mandolorian clan adopted them and trained them to fight. His name is Carid Schmitt of Clan Schmitt. He and his adopted sisters are the mercenary group called, the Mando freelancers. His younger sisters wanted to see how their old home was doing after a couple of years into the merc business. They quickly gained a reputation, but now to our four heroes.
"Applebloom, Sweetie belle, and Scootaloo prepare to land on planet surface" Carid said to his younger surrogate sisters. As they walked into the bridge of their ship.
"Can yah believe it, we're finally going home," exclaimed Apple Bloom with a smile on her face. "I wonder how much has changed." She adds.
"I wonder is they missed us," Sweetie Belle said nervously. She looked out the window and stared at her homeplanet.
"Of course they miss us," Scootaloo said excitedly. She was practically jumping up and down.
"And I want see my sisters blood family," Carid told them as he hearded the conversation threw his headset he had in his helmet. In fact they all were wearing their helmet.
"I doubt they will recognize you," he added to his sentence. "You all have grown so much since the first time we met five years ago." he wipes a mock tear from the visor on his helmet.
"Yeah, well land this rust bucket," Scootaloo shouted. She was visibly excited about finally coming back.
"Do you want to crash and die?" Carid asked with a deadpan voice.
"No." She answered. "I prefer to crash and live." She punches his shoulder playfully.
"Then shut up and let me land this ship." Carid responded as he went to the controls.
"Fine," Scootaloo replied
"Don't act like that we are suppose to be professionals mercenaries." He told her before she walked out of the bridge.
Sweetie Belle just sighs and looks out the window again, 'I wonder what they are doing right now,' Sweetie Belle thinks.
"Girls get ready we will be arriving in a couple minutes," she heard Carid tell them. "Take all your equipment and weapons. We don't know how long we will be here and I don't want to take any chances from an ambush. Even if it is your homeplanet."
Sweetie Belle get up and walks into her room to equip her stuff. Applebloom and Scootaloo doing the same. Carid didn't have to do it as he wears his stuff all the bucking time.
It has been 5 years since the Cutie Mark Crusaders disappeared. One day they went into the everfree forest to be 'Cutie Mark Crusaders monster hunters'. They never found their bodies. It was like they just disappeared, but of course you can hardly find anything in the everfree forest. Of course Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash took it the hardest. Today is the anniversary of the day they disappeared. Of course the elements of harmony and every pony else in town mourned them. That is every pony except Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They of course still bullied all the foals without cutie marks or as they call them 'blank flanks', but never mind that let get to the story.
"Hey Twilight," Rainbow Dash said walking up to Twilight.
"Hello Rainbow Dash." Twilight replied with a sad smile.
"That day again," Twilight asked Rainbow who just nods her head sadly.
"Yeah that day again," Rainbow Dash answered and she looks down and rubs her left arm with her right.
"You know Pinkie is having a I-hope-that-you-Come-back party today"Twilight asked trying to cheer her up.
"Yeah. I know" Rainbow Dash replied sullenly.
"You going." Twilight questioned her.
"No," came the replie. It was the same thing every year.
Twilight just frowned. Rainbow has always been like this ever since Scootaloo disappeared. This was one of the only days of the year that Rainbow Dash openly looked sad. Spike was also sad due to losing three of his best friends. She just hoped that Applejack and Rarity are better than Rainbow Dash is right now, even though they probably are not.
"Well Rainbow Dash you are going to that party no matter what." Twilight said. Suddenly Twilights horned flashed and she and Rainbow Dash teleported to Sugar Cube Corner.
Meanwhile in Sugar Cube Corner
Pinkie Pie was working on her cake in the shape of the three fillies before her tail twitch, her hair twitch, and her left arm twitched.
"Hhhmmm. What does that mean." Pinkie asked out loud. "Oohh I know that means that some old friends are returning,"
Suddenly she froze, she knew what that meant. She wipes a small tear from her eyes before a smile takes place on emuzzle.
"I have to make a welcome home party after this one." She said to no one. "I'll keep this a surprise. I can tell that Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash will love this." She added
Suddenly outside a huge noise was heard threw out town. Pinkie just smiled and continued baking.
Meanwhile outside
A huge object was moving outside. Twilight ran out as soon as she teleported in Sugar Cube Corner to check out what the noise was, with Rainbow Dash right behind her. The object seemed to flying and it appeared to be faster than Rainbow Dash? Wait it looks like it came out of one of Spikes comics about aliens.
"Everypony run the aliens are here to eat our brains." A random pony shouts.
"Everypony calm down you hear." Twilight hears behind her to see Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash looking at the weird ship as it lands outside of town. So the main six go to check it out.
"Why Rainbow dear that awful thing look faster than you." She hears Rarity say to Rainbow Dash.
"No pony is faster than me." Rainbow Dash angrily replied. It seems that the sad Rainbow Dash from this morning is now gone to regular Rainbow Dash.
They arrive to see a ramp lowered form the ship. There are 4 figures standing there. One was blue with purple and a half cape. The second was white and pink. Another was yellow with red, and the last one is orange with maroon. All of the appear to have some type of weird armor and weapons, but there are a couple weapons Twiligth could identify such the two sword the maroon one has and the axe the yellow has.
"Who are you," Rainbow Dash half ask and shouted.
"We are the Mando Freelancers." The blue one replied.
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You have them return home and introduce Carid in the 1st chapter, rather then have a prologue of them getting off world, or any chapters telling of their time with Carid or the mandolorians? Talk about rushed
6123664 calm down man he's only on the prologue there well be plenty tme for all that.
While I feel partially honored (and slightly insulted, now that I've mulled this over a bit), this is really stretching the term "Loosely Inspired", as this feels like almost a scene-by-scene remake/rip-off of Vode An, and boy does your writing need improvement. To start off, I will introduce you to writers' rule #1: SHOW, don't TELL. Take the time to show what these characters are thinking, what they're feeling, get inside their heads and show the turmoil they must be going through. They haven't just been on a space adventure, they've been away for five years, FIVE YEARS, from their friends, families, everything and everyone they knew and loved. They've spent five years with no knowledge on how to get home, in a cruel, unforgiving galaxy where one wrong move could very well be their last. They've had to throw away every conception of reality they had to survive, even going so far as too adopt the culture of a warrior people. They've more than likely been in more combat situations than they would have ever expected and have probably almost died several times. How would you feel, how would that change you, if you were thrust into that kind of situation? Take the time to slow down and think about your characters; they have emotions, they have dreams, they have goals, they get tired, they have personalities, they're not puppets in a play, they're living, thinking, feeling beings: treat them as such.
6123664 And yeah, seeing as how he got everything else from me, that's probably my fault as well, and I'm starting to regret beginning my story like that in the first place. But, not much to do now then to press on with what I have, and tune up what's there. Even my writing's not perfect.
You also might want to get an editor, or someone who can help you with your writing as a whole, since there's much more wrong with this than characterization. Also, one other tip: while there's nothing wrong with taking inspiration from something (Heck, Vode An itself was partially inspired by things such as Halo: On The Wings of Angels and Into The Black: A Mare's Tale), but put your own creative twist on it. Sure, we've seen the idea before, but make the so the plot isn't a point-for-point remake of the original idea. Food for thought.
6124641 Definitely need a editor.
Still, there is potential here.
6131985 Agreed, not bad idea (For a rip-off).
6132003 Its a rip-off?
6132145 If you're speaking of this fic, then yes, he practically copied my fic Vode An.
6132145 He's not exaggerating, I read Vode An and this story is a rip off, and not even a good one.
6132830 Agreed. I should feel honored, but instead I feel insulted.
Wow. Just wow. I see the direct take from Vode An has been addressed so'll I'll add this.
This was excruciatingly difficult to read. I honestly almost didn't make it passed the first paragraph. The sentences are very choppy and detail is severely lacking. This needs extreme work and perhaps a different angle for the events to make it different from Vode An. I really don't know what else to say. I didn't finish. I couldn't finish. I suggest getting much more practice and an editor and perhaps even a proofreader. You need help here.
can you add more chapters?
6219971
I might, but I am focusing on my other story equestrian legion Scipio
Isnt this a star wars crossover why no gore
This maybe a rip off but this has much potential with a bit of editing skills to fix it up. Also, it's anthro, I prefer anthro stories more so I hope you make this more interesting.
Do I look like Oliver twist give me more
In fact they all were wearing their helmet.
In fact they all were wearing their helmets.
"I wonder is they missed us," Sweetie Belle said nervously.
"I wonder if they missed us," Sweetie Belle said nervously.
Sweetie Belle get up and walks into her room to equip her stuff.
Sweetie Belle gets up and walks into her room to equip her stuff.
Suddenly outside a huge noise was heard threw out town.
Suddenly outside a huge noise was heard throughout town.
8757138
not my best work . I thank you for showing me those mistakes.
Thanks
"Who are you," Rainbow Dash half ask and shouted.
Rainbow Dash shouted "Who are you?" to the unknown creatures who would dare fly faster than herself. After all, Rainbow thought, ‘Nopony or comic book alien gets to be more awesome than Rainbow Dash.’
Hey, qazse, I clicked the link to Vode An, and I got an 'error 404' page. The fact it was a link says it's on com fiction. So was it deleted or something
What's going on?!