(I'll give you a sneak peek) "Sweetie Belle, would you be a dear and get the gold silk from my room?" Rarity said as she was busily rushing away to fill out her order for a VERY important customer, Photo Finish! "Sure thing sis! ......Wait, did you say GOLD silk?" Sweetie Belle said with a grave look on her face. "Yes Sweetie Belle, is that a problem? Or should I get it myself?" "Oh no! I mean, oh no, you should continue working on the order while I as a good sister, go and get the silk." Sweetie Belle said with a fake grin on her face. "Oh thank you Sweetie Belle! I do need to continue working on my masterpiece!" Sweetie Belle gulped as she ran into her sister's room. ( End of the sneak peek! If you want to know what happens, well YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT -.- Bye! Rainbow dash OUT )
Improper summary. possibly misleading. pisses me off
0.5 stars
suck it.
4 things boss:
1) This felt incredibly rushed, you should put a little more effort into building up the scene and emotion.
2) You should combine all 5 chapters into one short story, because that's essentially what this is.
3) You should work on the formatting and sentence structure. Most people don't particularly like to read a story that's all bunched together in one super paragraph, you should indent your sentences and make the speaking portions on their own separate lines.
4)The use of the word 'of' instead of 'have' in chapter 5 made cringe.
Otherwise it was a good first attempt, I think you should read a few more fan fictions on this site so you can get a better grasp on writing. I'll be watching you to see how much you improve.
31111
Ducreax, huh?
Thy mouth can kiss my equine work animal.
Please use space. to make more paragraphs.
wat
better writing. Need paragraphs, indents and other stuff. And also good vocabulary, all those help make a fan fiction or a story the best. Other then the mistakes you mad, it's okay story. Just you should build up the suspense! And perhaps change up the summary a bit, make it seem a little more like what the story is about. For when i first saw the summary, i thought there was going to be a monster or something.
Awesome Story!!!! But........
( Wow Me And Twilght Are Emotional!!!)
No Comments??
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31111 Well, that's rude. It may be her first time writing. Just because it looks not so good now doesn't mean it wont be later in her stories, give the girl a chance. Celestia! Geez.
Need's more breaks, usually when a different character talks it forms a new paragraph, and you should use some more detail on the story as this is stale and uninviting. Anyways, your still better then me and my story idea... cause I haven't even written one real page, just a lot of notes
Need's more breaks, usually when a different character talks it forms a new paragraph, and you should use some more detail on the story as this is stale and uninviting. Anyways, your still better then me and my story idea... cause I haven't even written one real page, just a lot of notes
Derpy Declines this page -.-
You need to make it longer, like maybe add some more twists and turns and more speaking. Sorry if i hurt your feeling
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