Something's up with SweetieBelle,

by RainbowDash22222

Chapter 5. Confession

"Uh....." Sweetie Belle's mouth became silent. "Well?" Rarity said anxiously waiting for an answer. "Ok, I have a confession. I accidently used your special gold silk for my Cutie Mark Crusader outfits! I didn't know you were using it! I'm sorry." Sweetie Belle's head dropped in depression and tears came out her eyes. Rarity gasped. "Oh Sweetie Belle, your more important that gold silk! I can replace it. But I wish you would of told me in the first place." Rarity dried Sweetie Belle's tears. "Really? I'm sorry sis. I wish I would of told you in the first place too." Rarity and Sweetie Belle hugged. "Come on Sweetie Belle, wanna help me make some dresses?" Sweetie Belle nodded and got right to work. "Dear Princess Celestia, I learned it is important to tell the truth even though sometimes it's very hard. Your loyal subjects, Rarity and Sweetie Belle. The End.

Comments

Improper summary. possibly misleading. pisses me off
0.5 stars
suck it.

[Your Antagonist]

4 things boss:
1) This felt incredibly rushed, you should put a little more effort into building up the scene and emotion.
2) You should combine all 5 chapters into one short story, because that's essentially what this is.
3) You should work on the formatting and sentence structure. Most people don't particularly like to read a story that's all bunched together in one super paragraph, you should indent your sentences and make the speaking portions on their own separate lines.
4)The use of the word 'of' instead of 'have' in chapter 5 made cringe.

Otherwise it was a good first attempt, I think you should read a few more fan fictions on this site so you can get a better grasp on writing. I'll be watching you to see how much you improve.

[Sweetie_Belle_Derelle]

31111

Ducreax, huh?

Thy mouth can kiss my equine work animal.

wat

[Nebula Swirl]

better writing. Need paragraphs, indents and other stuff. And also good vocabulary, all those help make a fan fiction or a story the best. Other then the mistakes you mad, it's okay story. Just you should build up the suspense! And perhaps change up the summary a bit, make it seem a little more like what the story is about. For when i first saw the summary, i thought there was going to be a monster or something.

[BellaWonderfulPony]

31111 Well, that's rude. It may be her first time writing. Just because it looks not so good now doesn't mean it wont be later in her stories, give the girl a chance. Celestia! Geez.

[MuffinDuffers]

Derpy Declines this page -.-

[Crystal Light]

You need to make it longer, like maybe add some more twists and turns and more speaking. Sorry if i hurt your feelings