Chapter One: Awakening (Rewritten)
Chapter One: Awakening
{Third POV}
It's a sunny day in Equestria, and a group of young colts and fillies are being led by two individuals. The first being a dark pink mare with a lighter pink mane and three flowers with happy faces for a cutie mark. Her name is Cheerilee. The second being is rather, odd. He appears to be made of many different animals, but has the body figure of a dragon. His name, is Discord. The group is mainly led by Discord as he spins off fascinating tales of the statues in the garden. After a little while the group approaches a rather large statue that appears to be a dragon.
Dan's POV.
I'm. So. BOOOORED! What's a giant ferocious, and yet heavily misunderstood dragon lord turned stone supposed to do as he's trapped in a immovable prison? Hey wait, what's that sound? Is that, PONIES?
"Ho ho," Discord chuckled "Now here's a mighty being. Everypony, this, is Alduin. Terror of the skies!" Everypony stared at me in amazement. Well, at least Discord's portraying me as a powerful creature. "Now he's got quite the tale. Over a thousand years ago, Equestria was at peace. Then, one day, the mighty dragon known as Alduin appeared in the skies. He was a powerful dragon. Heck, if I remember correctly, he was the king of all dragons! He was a mighty, nasty beast, that had more power than both princess Celestia and Luna combined! He caused destruction and chaos, more than even I would like, and threatened to tear the world apart!" Okay, that wasn't true. It was their fault the world was in such danger! I tried to make peace, but they just fought me! Probably because I didn't know their tongue, but I digress. "He wasn't just powerful due to his physical ability, oh no, he also had a very special type of magic known as Thu'um, or in our language, Shouts. With the power of his voice, he could command nature itself. He could manipulate time and space, and even control others. The only thing that stood a chance against him where the Elements of Harmony. Once used on him, he was turned to stone. Some say that he resides in this very statue!"
"Really?" asked a young filly. By using my power I was able to see her name was Apple Bloom.
"Now I'm sure that was all just a legend" said Cheerilee. I knew she wouldn't believe Discord. "Now why don't we go get some lunch?"
All the young ponies cheered and went on their way, leaving only Discord behind. "Well Alduin, I would really like hope those legends weren't true personally, but you and I both know that's not true. What made you do those things anyways?" I wasn't really paying attention. I just went back to what I did everyday, focusing on my energy build up. I figured if I got enough, it would be too much for the spell to handle.
Suddenly I hear Celestia's voice "DISCORD WE NEED YOU HERE NOW!"
"Well I must be off Alduin for I am needed elsewhere." And with that, Discord snapped his fingers, and disappeared. I guess I should tell you who I am. My name is Dan. Sad thing is, that's all I remember of my human self. As for who I look like, I am Alduin, Terror Of The Skies! Unfortunately I don't have any of his memories either. Terrible I know. Well I don't think you need an explanation about my history as Discord already told it so if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to building up energy.
Time Skip
CRACK
Wait was that? Yes. YES IT WAS! A CRACK! That means this is working! I just need a little more and....
CRACK, SAMSH
YES! I'M OUT! I stand up and look around at the scenery and stretch my bones. Suddenly, something catches my attention. It was a large aura that was dark and evil. I huffed. I may be considered a villain in this world, but I will NOT let harm come to these ponies! I took to the skies, and headed towards a small village not too far from Canterlot.
Third Person View
Tirek stands over a weakened, beaten Twilight. "YES!" He cried "NOW ALL THE MAGIC OF THIS WORLD IS MINE!" Tirek laughed at this and was about to crush Twilight when suddenly.
"GRROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRHHH!" A mighty roar ripped through the skies and startled Tirek. He turned towards the source of the noise, only to be lifted off the ground, and thrown across Ponyville. Tirek grunted and looked up. What he saw certainly surprised him. It was a giant dragon! The terrifying beast was huge, nearly twice the size of Tirek. It's skin was a dark gray and looked like it was actually armor.
"Fos maarahmik lost hi het ulfah? Fos viilut dreh hi lost wah diinek drem?" The dragon had a deep voice, and spoke in a strange language. "You do not know my tongue do you? Such ignorance." This pissed Tirek off. This monster thought he was so high and mighty. That he was more powerful than Tirek? Impossible, and Tirek was going to show him just how weak he was.
"Idiot dragon! Do you think you can beat me that easily?"
"No, which is why I will do this. Kriin, Lun Aus!" A purple pulse of energy came from the dragons mouth and hit Tirek. He immediately felt incredibly weak. So much so that he couldn't even stand.
"What... did... you... do... to me?"
"I used a Shout known as marked for death. It weakens your soul, making you easy prey. Prepare for your demise. Gol, Hah Dov!!" Another pulse of energy, this one was yellow, hit Tirek and his eyes turned white and soulless.
"How may I serve you master?"
"Free the princesses of this land, and return the magic you stole."
"As you wish master." He lifted his hands till they were right in front of him. Suddenly a portal opened and three princesses levitated out. As soon as they did, Tirek lifted his hands to the sky, and the magic in him drained and returned to the rightful owners. Soon he was nothing but a small shriveled being of his former self. "I have done as you have asked master. Do you have any more tasks?"
"No, but now, for your crimes against Equestria, and all of pony kind. I banish you to Tartarus, for all of eternity!" As soon as the dragon said that, Tirek was levitated into the portal, and it closed behind him. The princesses woke up and looked to Twilight.
"Ah, Twilight," Celestia said in a kind voice "you managed to beat Tirek. Excellent job!"
"Um, thanks but I'm not the one beat Tirek." Twilight stated "H-He did." The Princesses turned around and Luna's and Celestia's eyes went wide.
"Al-Alduin?" Celestia said, fear clearly evident in her voice.
"I see you still remember me Celestia" Alduin said. "Well, it's been awhile hasn't it? Over a thousand years to be exact."
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Well, aside from a small mishap with your enter key, this is good so far.
Thanks but I kind of had to make it that way because the admins said otherwise they couldn't distinguish who was speaking from who.
https://www.thuum.org/translate.php
^Very Useful
Hm... Well it has a good start... I did enjoy Tirek getting his ass handed to him though.
I wish he wasn't stoned by the Elements a thousand years ago. Really, Alduin is the eldest son of a freaking god and about as strong as one in his own right. In fact, isn't he the dragon god of destruction? I doubt the Elements would do jack to him, even if they did see him as a threat. He's just too powerful.
Judging by what you said before, I'm sure you tried to show your good intentions through actions many times and the ponies didn't care. They no longer deserve your good will. I say live up to your title of the "World Eater".
*grunts in annoyance* Tirek only has all the magic in Equestria. Not even that, just all the ponies magic. There are magical objects, the Tree of Harmony, etc. And that's just in Equestria. Celestia specifically stated that Tirek came from beyond Equestria's borders in search of Equestrian magic. The word Equestrian is just as important as magic. It implies(and the existence of Tirek, griffons, and dragons proves) that there is magic beyond Equestria's borders.
A Displaced siding with the ponies?
img01.deviantart.net/e821/i/2011/335/d/f/blasphemy__gif_practice_by_angel_of_the_dark12-d4hwbpv.png
Well... Saying "over a thousand years" is not very exact.
don´t really know about those spells, but i think i like what you did there. What i mean is, i can´t even tell if this is to much or not, so i just enjoy it.
The.....transition from him getting free, to suddenly have Tirek there, feld a bit off, but otherwise i can´t say much against it, but i don´t vote yet, i read more.
However interessting Character choice.
I can tell from the synopsis alone that this story is not spellchecked or proofread.
You might want to make sure that the synopsis is tidied up, because a lot of people won't even bother starting in on the first chapter if the synopsis is messy like that.
You might want to research how to use commas. Or more precisely, how not to use them. There are extraneous, useless commas all over the place.
and thats how you beat a almighty super charged centaur
6164764 All the ponies feel their doom.
Why do these displaced keep getting turned to stone for no reason???
7356823 (pauses for dramatic effect) Magic.
7356823 Because Celestia is a giant pick when it comes to other creatures and doesn't think before she acts in displaced fics
So I spotted a few inconsistency here and there. But overall, decent start.
Needs to be rewritten again. And edited.
6281402
why does the syntax here feel like a homestuck quirk.