Shy and timid Nora finally works up enough courage to ask Princess Celestia on a date. However, there might be more to Celestia than Nora originally thought.
Wow, that was a bad first date....I eagerly await the next chapter, no rush Max, my experience with YHAY has given me one hell of a grip to hold onto this cliff.
You know, I'm having a theory here that it is Ms. O' Malley who is the male in this story. Now, perhaps I'm shooting in the dark here, but it just doesn't seem likes Max's style to make the story title and the big M/F relationship that obvious of Princess Celestia being male. Honestly, the story title doesn't even necessarily be concerning that matter.
The story's idea is, honestly, quite interesting. It's something that I don't think I've heard before, least not that I'm aware of, and as such it captured my eyes nearly instantly.
However, that fucking accent. It needs to be doused in lighter fluid, and then burned, and then the ashes shot into the sun. I get that you're trying to have her be 'different' and stand out, but I just want to punch her fucking teeth in every time she opens her mouth. People seem to think that writing out thick accents in stories is an excellent idea. It generally tends to fall way short, and beomes an impediment to the story itself, breaking immersion as we force ourselves to try and translate just what the fuck is being said.
I enjoy your writing, Max, and I think you're a pretty decent writer as far as fanfiction goes. However, you've goofed. Nora is still quite flat as a character, and there really isn't anything appealing about her yet. I mean, the only reason this date even took place is out of sheer pity, truthfully. At least, that is the impression we get from reading the previous chapter. Nora literall seems like an uneducated, rural Irish (only know of this because of the Potato bit with Rainbow Dash's nickname) human that has nothing likeable about her at the moment. Nothing at all pulled me to her as a character so far.
The wrting is solid, both grammatically and structurally, but Nora, and then the accent... it was painful to slough through this chapter. I implore you, fucking kill that accent, lessen it up a bit. I shouldn't have to stop and play translator mid sentence, and I had to do that on numerous occasions.
I was surprised by this new story when the first chapter updated. Read it, was mildly intreiged by the premise, decided to wait until chapter 2 to give it more of a chance.
And... sorry to say, this just isn't my cuppa' tea. The premise is, as said, interesting, the strong suggestion of secretly male!Celesta or Futalestia is okay... but the main character really makes it hard to read.
I'm okay with a bisexual Irish human woman with a (sorry to say) questionable accent being in a HiE romance with a Princess, regardless if said princess has male plumbing down there, but Nora's personality is just way too shrinking violet to me. It's like, beyond Fluttershy levels. She doesn't have to be strong, or firey, but that breakdown she has at the end was just too much for me.
I'm gonna skip out on this one, but wish you luck with it. As for me, I'll see ya when YH&Y and Milk-A-Mare update.
Honestly, I think that typing her accent is a distraction more then anything. 'Cause when I'm trying to decipher what she's saying it's hard to focus on the story. But this was an interesting chapter and I'm eagerly awaiting the next one.
Nora's personality is just way too shrinking violet to me. It's like, beyond Fluttershy levels. She doesn't have to be strong, or firey, but that breakdown she has at the end was just too much for me.
I know, right? Not to mention her character and how the whole date played out almost seem like complete contradictions to how she got the date in the first place. Okay, so she worked up the courage to go to another city by train, schedule a meeting with royalty, and then ask that royal out on a date practically in public, and yet has zero backbone while on the date. Just getting on a train to ask someone out is more than, like, 80% of people would be willing to do. And then all that other stuff? Insanely brave. And yet, she absolutely falls apart at every turn during the date. It just seems to me like she should have been able to handle the night better than she did. I know if I made it that far into a crazy plan with things working out likw this, I'd be suave as fuck by this point. I mean, I made it this far right? I'm batting a thousand! My confidence would be through the roof! All in all, I hated her as a character in this chapter. Also way too many "whimpers" and "yelps" from her. Felt like I was reading about a mouse, not a human.
I guess looking back on this, my mind filled in scenes that weren't there. I've read so many romances that I just assumed there would be bits that developed Nora in a positive light and made her someone Celestia might fall for. Then I came down to the comments with folks complaining about Nora, and I realized they were right that her development has been almost entirely negative. It feels like Celestia is the only one trying to salvage this date, and Nora keeps dragging down her efforts, not getting that she doesn't need to be perfect and making everything worse because of it.
Mind you, that doesn't mean I've given up on the story. I still want to see where you're going with this.
I'm an Applejack fan, so I won't even comment on the accent. I have seen so much worse.
I can totally buy her still being panicked during the date... at the beginning, especially when the matre 'd tried snooting her away from his resturant and "precious Princess". But there had to have been a certain point when she should have noticed that Celestia was getting her to calm down and actually enjoy their date.
Like when Celestia ordered her donuts in a pony diner. Or when Celestia was playfully responding to her stories, what with the "What would my nickname be?". Or even when Celestia helped clean her up.
But Nora seemed to completely set herself up to collapse and not actually try to make her date work at all. Perhaps having the date so soon was a bad idea; we have no idea what Nora is like personally. We first see her working up the courage to date Celestia, then completely fall apart when the date occurs. Other than that she sees herself as the human equivilant of Ditzy/Derpy.
Is she always like this, having trouble with people/ponies? Does she have a history of failed romances, either with pony or with human, which has caused her to have issues with romance? Because, yeah, I can understand that being a tall awkward hominid in a land of pastel ponies could make you have self confidence issues. But it just seems like too much of a stretch to see her as only having these kind of issues just because she's on a date with Celestia, unless she does, indeed, possess a history of romance issues.
Okay... I'm not saying that this route was a completely bad thing. If it were given a bit more build up, then perhaps Nora's meltdown would've made more sense and been less... out of nowhere for the reader. Even one chapter where Nora is in a more casual enviroment would help, if only to give the reader a better read on her personality. I understand that MadMax is probably raring to go for Malestia-Human sexings, especially after beating around the bush with Twilight and Max in Your Human and You(which, one could argue, suffered from the opposite problem of being too dragged out, even if I did personally think it was fine), but as-is, Nora seems too unappealing for me to continue reading, when she loses her sh*t and we know so little about her.
I repeat, this is just how I, as an individual, feel about this story.
I don't understand why Nora is so... Flustered. She put a large amount of work into getting a date then when she's on iit she... Just kinda stands there. Like, celestia is trying to open things up but we don't see Nora also trying to engage with celestia. She just responds and then nothing.
Nora's accent is way to thick. It's like molasses in -60 degree weather, when it needs to be more like warmish syrup. To me, her lines are more like a severe speech impediment than an accent to me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. On top of that, we have a person who's so shy she gives Fluttershy a run for her bits. Unless those two factors ease up, especially the accent, the inevitable clop scene will be incredibly awkward and cringey, along with the rest of the story. Here's to hoping it'll be a little better in the next chapter.
She is but a mortal human trying to woo an immortal, highly magical powerful pony goddess that could with a flick of her magic turn her into a bloody paste on the floor if she wanted to. I think that would make certain people a little nervous.
But I don't hate the Irish mate, I'm just calling back to the times when the English owned the little green wonderland before religion fucked everybody in the country.
Some (very little) Irish people even today hate your entire people solely for that reason and will never forgive you.... ever. Therefore they jugue all british people as scum of the Earth. Most of them just alcoholic, skinhead racists that hate everyone that isn't Irish or white.
6147139 Welp, so long and thanks for all the fish!
6147173 When it comes to romances, I don't write tragedies.
6147199 Thanks for pointing the accent thing out. As the writer, it's a little easy to get so into making the accent that you forgot people have to be able to read it. Since you're the one writing it, you already know what it says so you don't have trouble deciphering it. As it stands, I've gone through and tried to clean up the majority of her lines, and I can safely say that the future chapters won't have such heavy use of it.
6147139 I'm sorry, I can't... I can't take your comment seriously. Especially with the profile picture and the fact that it's coming from the guy that wrote Amazing Comics: Spider-Man. Good try though.
I'm split between comforting Nora and threatening Celestia.
Screw it.
It's gonna be alright Nora, she probably wasn't even worth it. She's an ass. Now excuse me I must go find said ass. *gets up and walks out the door* C'MERE YA LITTLE BITCH! I'M GONNA FECK YOU UP SO BADLY! ...Wait... did I just...? Nora you're rubbing off on me, anyway. DON'T MAKE ME GO ALL POTATO ON YOUR ASS!
Anyways, Nora is offically my favorite human in equestria. Maybe it cause of her clutziness and her accent... Either way I love her.
It was nice getting a chapter update as fast as we did. That said though that is a pretty brutal place to leave things. Celestia is obviously left to try and get something to help her, but we have to wait to find out what. Having Nora crying out in Celestia's room is just such a sad place to leave a chapter. Hopefully you don't leave us readers hanging there for too long.
A few people in the comments might disagree, but I think Nora's personality is very relatable and realistic. Maybe I'm reading it after it's been edited but I have no trouble at all reading Nora's accent, and it makes sense that it gets thicker when she's nervous. And Fluttershy can't be the only shy person in all of Equestria. From Nora's perspective, Celestia is far better than she is and quite a few ponies in the story keep telling Nora that she's not good enough for Celestia. Maybe some people think Nora is a little too timid but I think you've a good idea of what her character is like and on how it will develop as the story continues.
The thing is, some people really are that shy and timid. Some people just have very little self-confidence. Very...very little self-confidence.
I don't see why people are complaining about the accent. I can hear it just fine in my head. Sure, if you try to read it, you'll have problems, but that's just a syllable->word conversion error. Nothing we can do about that. Personally, I think that the extremely thick accent actually enhances the story for me. It emphasizes just exactly how difficult it is for Nora to talk "normally" to the ponies around her. I suspect that that communication barrier has given her a lot of trouble and worries. Not only that, she's the only human in Equestria so far and she considers herself physically unattractive, clumsy, and a bumbling fool. That's already good enough a reason for why she acts so socially akward and insecure about herself most of the time. Her character's not that unrealistic. I've met people like Nora, and it takes some serious effort to get them out of their self-pity. And even when they seem fine and dandy and you think that everything's going to turn out fine, all it takes is one little incident for them to relapse. Now, take one of said kind of person, pile on a date with a long-time crush, who happens to be kilometers away in the social hierarchy (human nature kicks in, saying "I don't deserve this."), add in a pinch of mockery from the snooty [redacted] of Canterlot, and a handful of disastrous faux pas, and you have a recipe for one bumbling wreck of a human being.
So right now we have: one (1) crying human being, self-pity included in package. one (1) confused alicorn Princess*.
Stir gently for 30 minutes, put in the Writer's Oven, and wait until the ominous screaming stops. Result: One (1) dish of Character Development, coming right up.
But I don't hate the Irish mate, I'm just calling back to the times when the English owned the little green wonderland before religion fucked everybody in the country.
Would you be referring to when the English went through Ireland executing people for practising Catholicism?
I don't think there's much I can add to this that hasn't already been said. I think the biggest thing for me is that I want to see some type of positive character traits for Nora, preferably by the next chapter. I'm having trouble sympathizing with a character that seems to only have negative traits. The utter obliviousness to Celestia's attempts at making the date good, does not help Nora but highlights her negative traits to the point of further alienation from any possible sympathies.
I don't have a reason to like Nora and she's not giving me a reason to like her yet. I feel more bad for Celestia for having to deal with this entire situation than I do Nora.
Wow, you'd think Fluttershy killed some of these poster's families with the vitriol they're spewing about the protagonist. Some people are shy and withdrawn; not everyone is an utterly composed Casanova. I'm rather indifferent to Nora so far. I liked the accent, personally.
Don't have too much of an opinion of the story as a whole, seeing as it's just the second chapter. Kinda wondering what form the 'twist' will take.
6147905 Hopefully the edit worked on that, but like I said, my problem was that her personality, and how horribly she screwed up at every turn because of extreme shyness and self-loathing, just didn't seem to line up with someone who was able to ask the leader of a country out on a date. The hard, highly unlikely part of getting Celestia to say yes was already done, she should have been feeling better about the date, not worse. Besides, how would someone this shy manage such a brave feat to begin with? For context, a reversed version of this story could be if Fluttershy got pulled to the human world, and, after a time, decided to ask the president of the US out for a night on the town. Would you find such an occurrence believable?
Accent this, date that... Honestly, skipping all that, am I the only one that sees this and all the quite female description of Sunbutt and can only think "wait... Celestia is a BISHOUNEN?!?"
A "I am not worthy" one to boot. S?he did realise he?r date was a wreck, and felt bad for pushing that on the poor girl... But was also checking her out when she's trying to copy h?is gait. I think you're doing a quite good job with him XD
Also, that Luna is gonna scream her brother's ears out for letting such a nice mate crying in his bedroom's floor. Tsk tsk Celly, when're you going to learn?
I guess I'm one of the 'anti-Nora' ones. The accent is fine (though I'm reading it after the clean-up) but her personality ... ugh. This is beyond Fluttershy levels of social awkwardness. Fluttershy would have picked up half-way through Pony Joe's that Celly was trying to make her comfortable and while she might have still been a bit awkward, she would have tried. I'm getting the distinct feeling from Nora that she's not even trying. She's super-meek but that meekness comes across as entirely self-centered and self-concerned - combined with the lack of attention, it doesn't look good for Nora. She's accepted that Celly is out of her league and has thrown in the towel. The Wooblies didn't work on me, man. Sorry. Given the way this is going, I wouldn't be surprised if Celly is the one to approach Nora here for a next date and I honestly don't see Nora and Celly as being an item - regardless of penis or lack-thereof.
So yeah, good luck. I'm done though, sorry.
Full disclosure: I did stop halfway through Pony Joe's/start of the walk when I realized it was not getting any better.
It seems that two things come up when people are criticizing your story.
1. The Accent: I don't see anything wrong with it myself. It's perfectly translatable, even if it is unreasonably thick. However, because it is thick and the character is thoroughly embarassed by it, I think it works out in your favor.
2. The Character: most of these people seem to want a confident dandy. I don't care for them. They've always seemed ridiculous and absurd when you throw them in a romance. This character doesn't read as socially awkward, rather incredibly nervous in my mind. However, I find it difficult to relate to Nora from the sheer lack of introduction to her character. I have no idea who Nora is, what she likes, or if I should even be vested in the first place.
It seems ridiculous, all these comments. However, 6148383 , has some decent points.
6148254 I'll admit that I don't really know much about the US president, but whenever Celestia is at a social gathering she always tries to seem friendly and approachable to ponies; like she's just like anybody else.
You also have to remember that even though she got a date with Celestia, it was a pity date. Celestia only said yes because the nobles were mocking her and Nora knows that. Another thing to remember is that when Nora tried to get into the restaurant, she was turned away because the stallion didn't believe Celestia would 'waste her time on her'. It would be like getting to a restaurant ahead of your date and the server telling you, "You're kidding, right? Why would our perfect princess want to date a freaky monkey like you?"
True, Nora made a big step in asking Celestia out, but self-doubt is something really hard to get rid of. 6147984 makes some really good points about just how little confidence some people have. Of course the story isn't over yet, so Nora won't always be this shy. She still has plenty of time to get some positive character development.
That was a twist. Normally the way these stories go the first date starts out horrible but ends on a positive note. Here though, the first date was absolutely DISASTROUS! I don't see how this is going to get better...
Well that was an awkward date. I felt myself cringe just reading it. Not sure if I liked this chapter to be honest, especially with the interactions between Nora and Celestia. As for Nora she's kinda irritating but that may be because I know a girl just like her and the only way to make her quit being the ultimate doormat is to piss her off. Relationship with a girl like that is really exhausting, and reading about one may drive me insane. Yet now I'm even more curious as to how she could pull it off, I want to see Nora grow as a character, so I guess it did the job?
I do have to wonder why she seems so absolutely enamored with Celestia.
Like... WEIRLDY enamored... considering from the way it sounds they just had lunch on occasion or something and never spoke otherwise. Like, it's to the point where all the problems she had on the date (excluding the dick maître d' ) were caused by it.
Freeow! You have written a most impressive train wreck of a date. I can only hope there wasn't any personal experience that you drew from to write it. Looking forward to seeing if/how anything can yet be salvaged of the evening.
I want to love Nora, honestly. I'm inclined to feel sympathy for social awkwardness, and I don't find her accent problematic at all. (Maybe I'm biased from all the times I've wanted to gnaw my own face off trying to portray the Apples' characteristic drawl.) But she's so deer-in-the-headlights right now that I'm spending all my time cringing. This doesn't seem like someone who could operate normally in human society, and while I don't know the situation that brought her here, her reactions to nearly everything that happens to her just leave me scratching my head.
I truly feel bad for her right now
Going good so far
Wow, that was a bad first date....I eagerly await the next chapter, no rush Max, my experience with YHAY has given me one hell of a grip to hold onto this cliff.
Damn. She's had a shitty night!
rs1ci.memecdn.com/584/6991584_t.gif
I should've seen that coming.
Wow. That was almost too much awkward for me to handle in one go. Good chapter, even if I was cringing through most of it.
Poor Nora...
~Have good one.
How horrible. Got a feeling Celestia is blaming herself too.
6147139
Perhaps it's my primitive 'Irish Brain' but I could but help come to conclusion you are being racist.
What did the Irish ever do to you?
Ow....
Why is all the fanfiction I read so sad recently...
Please... For the love of all that is still sacred (very little) on the Internet, please let this have a happy ending
You know, I'm having a theory here that it is Ms. O' Malley who is the male in this story. Now, perhaps I'm shooting in the dark here, but it just doesn't seem likes Max's style to make the story title and the big M/F relationship that obvious of Princess Celestia being male. Honestly, the story title doesn't even necessarily be concerning that matter.
So, let's take a look, shall we?
The story's idea is, honestly, quite interesting. It's something that I don't think I've heard before, least not that I'm aware of, and as such it captured my eyes nearly instantly.
However, that fucking accent. It needs to be doused in lighter fluid, and then burned, and then the ashes shot into the sun. I get that you're trying to have her be 'different' and stand out, but I just want to punch her fucking teeth in every time she opens her mouth. People seem to think that writing out thick accents in stories is an excellent idea. It generally tends to fall way short, and beomes an impediment to the story itself, breaking immersion as we force ourselves to try and translate just what the fuck is being said.
I enjoy your writing, Max, and I think you're a pretty decent writer as far as fanfiction goes. However, you've goofed. Nora is still quite flat as a character, and there really isn't anything appealing about her yet. I mean, the only reason this date even took place is out of sheer pity, truthfully. At least, that is the impression we get from reading the previous chapter. Nora literall seems like an uneducated, rural Irish (only know of this because of the Potato bit with Rainbow Dash's nickname) human that has nothing likeable about her at the moment. Nothing at all pulled me to her as a character so far.
The wrting is solid, both grammatically and structurally, but Nora, and then the accent... it was painful to slough through this chapter. I implore you, fucking kill that accent, lessen it up a bit. I shouldn't have to stop and play translator mid sentence, and I had to do that on numerous occasions.
Besides that, it still shows a lot of potential.
Hrm...
I was surprised by this new story when the first chapter updated. Read it, was mildly intreiged by the premise, decided to wait until chapter 2 to give it more of a chance.
And... sorry to say, this just isn't my cuppa' tea. The premise is, as said, interesting, the strong suggestion of secretly male!Celesta or Futalestia is okay... but the main character really makes it hard to read.
I'm okay with a bisexual Irish human woman with a (sorry to say) questionable accent being in a HiE romance with a Princess, regardless if said princess has male plumbing down there, but Nora's personality is just way too shrinking violet to me. It's like, beyond Fluttershy levels. She doesn't have to be strong, or firey, but that breakdown she has at the end was just too much for me.
I'm gonna skip out on this one, but wish you luck with it. As for me, I'll see ya when YH&Y and Milk-A-Mare update.
All the best.
Honestly, I think that typing her accent is a distraction more then anything. 'Cause when I'm trying to decipher what she's saying it's hard to focus on the story. But this was an interesting chapter and I'm eagerly awaiting the next one.
6147202
I know, right? Not to mention her character and how the whole date played out almost seem like complete contradictions to how she got the date in the first place. Okay, so she worked up the courage to go to another city by train, schedule a meeting with royalty, and then ask that royal out on a date practically in public, and yet has zero backbone while on the date.
Just getting on a train to ask someone out is more than, like, 80% of people would be willing to do. And then all that other stuff? Insanely brave. And yet, she absolutely falls apart at every turn during the date. It just seems to me like she should have been able to handle the night better than she did. I know if I made it that far into a crazy plan with things working out likw this, I'd be suave as fuck by this point. I mean, I made it this far right? I'm batting a thousand! My confidence would be through the roof!
All in all, I hated her as a character in this chapter. Also way too many "whimpers" and "yelps" from her. Felt like I was reading about a mouse, not a human.
I guess looking back on this, my mind filled in scenes that weren't there. I've read so many romances that I just assumed there would be bits that developed Nora in a positive light and made her someone Celestia might fall for. Then I came down to the comments with folks complaining about Nora, and I realized they were right that her development has been almost entirely negative. It feels like Celestia is the only one trying to salvage this date, and Nora keeps dragging down her efforts, not getting that she doesn't need to be perfect and making everything worse because of it.
Mind you, that doesn't mean I've given up on the story. I still want to see where you're going with this.
I'm an Applejack fan, so I won't even comment on the accent. I have seen so much worse.
Stops and re-reads...
Umb what. Looks at blog post the other day and back at this line.
Hoho I see whatcha did there. vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/epicrapbattlesofhistory/images/a/a9/I-see-what-you-did-there.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20150225192204
Poor girl. She needs a hug.
6147259
I can totally buy her still being panicked during the date... at the beginning, especially when the matre 'd tried snooting her away from his resturant and "precious Princess". But there had to have been a certain point when she should have noticed that Celestia was getting her to calm down and actually enjoy their date.
Like when Celestia ordered her donuts in a pony diner. Or when Celestia was playfully responding to her stories, what with the "What would my nickname be?". Or even when Celestia helped clean her up.
But Nora seemed to completely set herself up to collapse and not actually try to make her date work at all. Perhaps having the date so soon was a bad idea; we have no idea what Nora is like personally. We first see her working up the courage to date Celestia, then completely fall apart when the date occurs. Other than that she sees herself as the human equivilant of Ditzy/Derpy.
Is she always like this, having trouble with people/ponies? Does she have a history of failed romances, either with pony or with human, which has caused her to have issues with romance? Because, yeah, I can understand that being a tall awkward hominid in a land of pastel ponies could make you have self confidence issues. But it just seems like too much of a stretch to see her as only having these kind of issues just because she's on a date with Celestia, unless she does, indeed, possess a history of romance issues.
Okay... I'm not saying that this route was a completely bad thing. If it were given a bit more build up, then perhaps Nora's meltdown would've made more sense and been less... out of nowhere for the reader. Even one chapter where Nora is in a more casual enviroment would help, if only to give the reader a better read on her personality. I understand that MadMax is probably raring to go for Malestia-Human sexings, especially after beating around the bush with Twilight and Max in Your Human and You (which, one could argue, suffered from the opposite problem of being too dragged out, even if I did personally think it was fine), but as-is, Nora seems too unappealing for me to continue reading, when she loses her sh*t and we know so little about her.
I repeat, this is just how I, as an individual, feel about this story.
I don't understand why Nora is so... Flustered. She put a large amount of work into getting a date then when she's on iit she... Just kinda stands there. Like, celestia is trying to open things up but we don't see Nora also trying to engage with celestia. She just responds and then nothing.
Where's Her determination from the first chapter?
Nora's accent is way to thick. It's like molasses in -60 degree weather, when it needs to be more like warmish syrup. To me, her lines are more like a severe speech impediment than an accent to me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. On top of that, we have a person who's so shy she gives Fluttershy a run for her bits. Unless those two factors ease up, especially the accent, the inevitable clop scene will be incredibly awkward and cringey, along with the rest of the story. Here's to hoping it'll be a little better in the next chapter.
-Sanity is overrated
6147336
She is but a mortal human trying to woo an immortal, highly magical powerful pony goddess that could with a flick of her magic turn her into a bloody paste on the floor if she wanted to. I think that would make certain people a little nervous.
6147402 Your right, I guess the distance helped before with the train and the planning.
I'm not sure if she's overwhelmed to be face to face with Celestia or scared. Perhaps both?
Some (very little) Irish people even today hate your entire people solely for that reason and will never forgive you.... ever. Therefore they jugue all british people as scum of the Earth. Most of them just alcoholic, skinhead racists that hate everyone that isn't Irish or white.
6147139 Welp, so long and thanks for all the fish!
6147173 When it comes to romances, I don't write tragedies.
6147199 Thanks for pointing the accent thing out. As the writer, it's a little easy to get so into making the accent that you forgot people have to be able to read it. Since you're the one writing it, you already know what it says so you don't have trouble deciphering it. As it stands, I've gone through and tried to clean up the majority of her lines, and I can safely say that the future chapters won't have such heavy use of it.
6147139 I'm sorry, I can't... I can't take your comment seriously. Especially with the profile picture and the fact that it's coming from the guy that wrote Amazing Comics: Spider-Man. Good try though.
Alright, Nora! It's time for that date! Wait... Nora, what are you doing? Nora, wait! NORA!
i.imgur.com/dHoshAJ.gif
Oh Nora... you poor girl.
6147760 I don't know why everyone is complaining about the accent. I could read it just fine before you edited it.
Poor Nora.... on another note, I've decided to make my mental image of Nora as Nora from RWBY, as everything about their appearance (except for the freckles) match perfectly. vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/rwby/images/6/62/LegsEmote.png/revision/latest?cb=20130927232804
I'm split between comforting Nora and threatening Celestia.
Screw it.
It's gonna be alright Nora, she probably wasn't even worth it. She's an ass. Now excuse me I must go find said ass. *gets up and walks out the door* C'MERE YA LITTLE BITCH! I'M GONNA FECK YOU UP SO BADLY! ...Wait... did I just...? Nora you're rubbing off on me, anyway. DON'T MAKE ME GO ALL POTATO ON YOUR ASS!
Anyways, Nora is offically my favorite human in equestria. Maybe it cause of her clutziness and her accent... Either way I love her.
It was nice getting a chapter update as fast as we did. That said though that is a pretty brutal place to leave things. Celestia is obviously left to try and get something to help her, but we have to wait to find out what. Having Nora crying out in Celestia's room is just such a sad place to leave a chapter. Hopefully you don't leave us readers hanging there for too long.
A few people in the comments might disagree, but I think Nora's personality is very relatable and realistic. Maybe I'm reading it after it's been edited but I have no trouble at all reading Nora's accent, and it makes sense that it gets thicker when she's nervous. And Fluttershy can't be the only shy person in all of Equestria. From Nora's perspective, Celestia is far better than she is and quite a few ponies in the story keep telling Nora that she's not good enough for Celestia. Maybe some people think Nora is a little too timid but I think you've a good idea of what her character is like and on how it will develop as the story continues.
The thing is, some people really are that shy and timid. Some people just have very little self-confidence. Very...very little self-confidence.
I... I don't know what to say here. I have unbelievably mixed feelings about this story and I can't think of a description for my thoughts on it.
I don't see why people are complaining about the accent. I can hear it just fine in my head. Sure, if you try to read it, you'll have problems, but that's just a syllable->word conversion error. Nothing we can do about that.
Personally, I think that the extremely thick accent actually enhances the story for me. It emphasizes just exactly how difficult it is for Nora to talk "normally" to the ponies around her. I suspect that that communication barrier has given her a lot of trouble and worries. Not only that, she's the only human in Equestria so far and she considers herself physically unattractive, clumsy, and a bumbling fool. That's already good enough a reason for why she acts so socially akward and insecure about herself most of the time.
Her character's not that unrealistic. I've met people like Nora, and it takes some serious effort to get them out of their self-pity. And even when they seem fine and dandy and you think that everything's going to turn out fine, all it takes is one little incident for them to relapse. Now, take one of said kind of person, pile on a date with a long-time crush, who happens to be kilometers away in the social hierarchy (human nature kicks in, saying "I don't deserve this."), add in a pinch of mockery from the snooty [redacted] of Canterlot, and a handful of disastrous faux pas, and you have a recipe for one bumbling wreck of a human being.
So right now we have:
one (1) crying human being, self-pity included in package.
one (1) confused alicorn Princess*.
Stir gently for 30 minutes, put in the Writer's Oven, and wait until the ominous screaming stops.
Result: One (1) dish of Character Development, coming right up.
*Gender not specified.
6147179
Would you be referring to when the English went through Ireland executing people for practising Catholicism?
I don't think there's much I can add to this that hasn't already been said. I think the biggest thing for me is that I want to see some type of positive character traits for Nora, preferably by the next chapter. I'm having trouble sympathizing with a character that seems to only have negative traits. The utter obliviousness to Celestia's attempts at making the date good, does not help Nora but highlights her negative traits to the point of further alienation from any possible sympathies.
I don't have a reason to like Nora and she's not giving me a reason to like her yet. I feel more bad for Celestia for having to deal with this entire situation than I do Nora.
Wow, you'd think Fluttershy killed some of these poster's families with the vitriol they're spewing about the protagonist. Some people are shy and withdrawn; not everyone is an utterly composed Casanova. I'm rather indifferent to Nora so far. I liked the accent, personally.
Don't have too much of an opinion of the story as a whole, seeing as it's just the second chapter. Kinda wondering what form the 'twist' will take.
6147905
Hopefully the edit worked on that, but like I said, my problem was that her personality, and how horribly she screwed up at every turn because of extreme shyness and self-loathing, just didn't seem to line up with someone who was able to ask the leader of a country out on a date. The hard, highly unlikely part of getting Celestia to say yes was already done, she should have been feeling better about the date, not worse.
Besides, how would someone this shy manage such a brave feat to begin with? For context, a reversed version of this story could be if Fluttershy got pulled to the human world, and, after a time, decided to ask the president of the US out for a night on the town. Would you find such an occurrence believable?
6147179
Pardon my ignorance, but what is"Belfast Confetti"?
Accent this, date that... Honestly, skipping all that, am I the only one that sees this and all the quite female description of Sunbutt and can only think
"wait... Celestia is a BISHOUNEN?!?"
A "I am not worthy" one to boot. S?he did realise he?r date was a wreck, and felt bad for pushing that on the poor girl... But was also checking her out when she's trying to copy h?is gait. I think you're doing a quite good job with him XD
Also, that Luna is gonna scream her brother's ears out for letting such a nice mate crying in his bedroom's floor. Tsk tsk Celly, when're you going to learn?
I guess I'm one of the 'anti-Nora' ones. The accent is fine (though I'm reading it after the clean-up) but her personality ... ugh. This is beyond Fluttershy levels of social awkwardness. Fluttershy would have picked up half-way through Pony Joe's that Celly was trying to make her comfortable and while she might have still been a bit awkward, she would have tried. I'm getting the distinct feeling from Nora that she's not even trying. She's super-meek but that meekness comes across as entirely self-centered and self-concerned - combined with the lack of attention, it doesn't look good for Nora. She's accepted that Celly is out of her league and has thrown in the towel. The Wooblies didn't work on me, man. Sorry. Given the way this is going, I wouldn't be surprised if Celly is the one to approach Nora here for a next date and I honestly don't see Nora and Celly as being an item - regardless of penis or lack-thereof.
So yeah, good luck. I'm done though, sorry.
Full disclosure: I did stop halfway through Pony Joe's/start of the walk when I realized it was not getting any better.
Truly a beautiful romance.
th09.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2014/070/d/3/tomska___mrs_johnson_2_by_vonboche-d79rwe7.png
It seems that two things come up when people are criticizing your story.
1. The Accent: I don't see anything wrong with it myself. It's perfectly translatable, even if it is unreasonably thick. However, because it is thick and the character is thoroughly embarassed by it, I think it works out in your favor.
2. The Character: most of these people seem to want a confident dandy. I don't care for them. They've always seemed ridiculous and absurd when you throw them in a romance. This character doesn't read as socially awkward, rather incredibly nervous in my mind. However, I find it difficult to relate to Nora from the sheer lack of introduction to her character. I have no idea who Nora is, what she likes, or if I should even be vested in the first place.
It seems ridiculous, all these comments. However, 6148383 , has some decent points.
I'm in it for the misery anyways.
6147760 thank you
6148254
I'll admit that I don't really know much about the US president, but whenever Celestia is at a social gathering she always tries to seem friendly and approachable to ponies; like she's just like anybody else.
You also have to remember that even though she got a date with Celestia, it was a pity date. Celestia only said yes because the nobles were mocking her and Nora knows that. Another thing to remember is that when Nora tried to get into the restaurant, she was turned away because the stallion didn't believe Celestia would 'waste her time on her'. It would be like getting to a restaurant ahead of your date and the server telling you, "You're kidding, right? Why would our perfect princess want to date a freaky monkey like you?"
True, Nora made a big step in asking Celestia out, but self-doubt is something really hard to get rid of. 6147984 makes some really good points about just how little confidence some people have. Of course the story isn't over yet, so Nora won't always be this shy. She still has plenty of time to get some positive character development.
Wow...
That was a twist. Normally the way these stories go the first date starts out horrible but ends on a positive note. Here though, the first date was absolutely DISASTROUS! I don't see how this is going to get better...
Well that was an awkward date. I felt myself cringe just reading it. Not sure if I liked this chapter to be honest, especially with the interactions between Nora and Celestia.
As for Nora she's kinda irritating but that may be because I know a girl just like her and the only way to make her quit being the ultimate doormat is to piss her off. Relationship with a girl like that is really exhausting, and reading about one may drive me insane.
Yet now I'm even more curious as to how she could pull it off, I want to see Nora grow as a character, so I guess it did the job?
... Now I feel sick... That's terrible... Poor, poor girl...
6149094 I believe you are confused, I am not the one whoI wrote this tale,
I do have to wonder why she seems so absolutely enamored with Celestia.
Like... WEIRLDY enamored... considering from the way it sounds they just had lunch on occasion or something and never spoke otherwise. Like, it's to the point where all the problems she had on the date (excluding the dick maître d' ) were caused by it.
Freeow! You have written a most impressive train wreck of a date.
I can only hope there wasn't any personal experience that you drew from to write it.
Looking forward to seeing if/how anything can yet be salvaged of the evening.
I want to love Nora, honestly. I'm inclined to feel sympathy for social awkwardness, and I don't find her accent problematic at all. (Maybe I'm biased from all the times I've wanted to gnaw my own face off trying to portray the Apples' characteristic drawl.) But she's so deer-in-the-headlights right now that I'm spending all my time cringing. This doesn't seem like someone who could operate normally in human society, and while I don't know the situation that brought her here, her reactions to nearly everything that happens to her just leave me scratching my head.
To be honest, this is how me finding this story went...