Cyberponies part 2
As Jay flies towards the giant robot, he notices something on the side of his head, but he ignores it. The robot fires multiple lasers towards ponies and Jay goes straight for the block. As Jay bodyblocks the ponies he sucks up the beams and Retaliates it back. The robot charges another beam against Jay and Jay gets blasted onto the ground. Then a pink Alicorn flies by and blasts several light blue beams against the Robot, resulting in that it falls over into Twilight's Castle, but before crashing into it it's stopped by a pinkish magic produced by a white Unicorn Stallion, dressed in blue and gold armor. The stallion throws the Robot into a pool next to Ponyville as the Pink Alicorn and Jay land next to the Stallion.
Jay says:
''You're new to me, spare the explanation Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor. Let the Hardstyle flow!''
And Jay flies off and yells:
''YO CAN O' RUST! EAT DA JLP LAZOR MATE!''
Jay blasts a green lazer at the Robot, resulting that it loses a lot of part that falls into the once clean water. But the Robot retaliates with dark red beam of destruction and Jay once again ends up on the ground. The Robot raises and blasts another beam on Jay, this time it's bigger that the other beam and Jay knows it's the end of the line for him. But then Shining Armor stand in front of the beam and everything goes in slow motion. Jay looks at Shining Armor as he slowly says:
''Live for them, chosen one.''
And the blast sends him flying resulting in his death. Jay stands up as a green aura surrounds him and Jay blasts this Aura through his horn towards the Robot. Jay says:
''See ya down at the lava, can of rust.''
The Robot starts glowing and explodes. Jay then falls to the ground breathing slowly, before passing out.
Jay wakes up with Cadence, Twilight and a tall white Alicorn next to them. Derpy sits in a corner, patiently waiting. Cadence and Twlight have teartracks running over their cheeks. Jay says:
''He's dead, ain't he?''
His question is answered by the crying sounds Cadence makes. Jay steps out of the hospital bed and wraps a leg around Cadence.
''There's nothin' you could've done. I'll make it my mission tracing down the one that created that Robot. And I have a slight feelin' who that could be. For now, let it rests.''
Cadence asks, while the tears still flow:
''You're going to?''
''I dang well do it. I promise. Yer can count on me.''
Twilight and Cadence stop crying and they hug Jay.
''But for now I need to get settled in Ponyville.''
''You can live at my place. With me, if you like.''
Derpy stands up and smiles. ''That's a go. I'll be stayin' with Derpy then. It was goin to happen in the first place.'' Twilight says:
''Oh and this is...''
''Princess Celestia, ruler of Ponyville.''
Twilight is surprised.
''Being a Cyberpony has it's advantages. One is the capability to see someone personality.''
Jay and Derpy sit at their table next to the front window. Jay says:
''I'm going to be part of the Elements. It's my destiny here. You okay with that?''
Derpy nods. Then Jay throws his hat in a corner.
''Won't be needin'this.''
Jay walks towards the window.
''Maybe destiny brought me here, Shining Armor knew something.''
Derpy stands next to him as they watch the sad, mourning lights on Canterlot grounds...
NEXT CHAPTER: GAMING IS THE LEAGUE
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SHOW VS TELL
6036634
Indeed.
Yikes...this...this was bad
..... why...
33.media.tumblr.com/d6b0ed4dc3de5d52968cd7258c9b4b2c/tumblr_mpcx1akEZr1rby3r6o1_500.gif
This has to be a trollfic. I'm labeling this a trollfic for my sanity.
this entire story...
animalstime.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/wolf-spider-facts1.jpg
what...the...fuck...
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20141114050926/fallout/images/3/3f/Vaultboy_Thumbs_down.png
6036960 that comment made my day
The cover art looks like a 3 year old's drawing.
Well, damn. So many errors it feels like a chore to point them all out. All the show, not tell thing, the plot moving faster than a bullet, character being insta-liked by everyone, they all pile up. Specially the character's over-poweredness.
It's better to just call the Inquisiton and request an Exterminatus.
Just tell me this is a trollfic.
I have no words for this. I think my brain has finally broken over the sheer stupidity of this fic. No more than a dozen lines in that I had to literally close it because I could actually feel myself getting stupider just reading it.
You've written the perfect anti-story. You should feel proud.
At least the guy has the decency to exit the restaurant and let his customers eat in peace while he ejaculates noiselessly outside.
Geez, guy. You're not even going to pull your pants up before you go rubbing your Fettuccine Alfredo all over that underage kid?
Stereotypes are fun.
I-Is... Jamy hitting on Alfredo?
MODSMODSMODSMODSMODSMODSMODSMODSMODSMODSMODSMODSMO-
ftfy
I want everyone to let this scene sink in for a moment. I mean, I really want you to think about what just happened in this one sentence...
What was the point in telling us this?
I hope you brought some Pepto Bismol or this might get messy...
Delete your account. Now.
6037135
ftfy
6037028 HUZZAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/FJEuEu6oeUy2eLzDaXCxZA2.gif
quickmeme.com/img/77/77c5e2802fff17157fbe2e0738a4b6d4d8ada87914092afb06e6177a083cd73f.jpg
This story made me go on a temper tantrum, and i think i had a seizure fit along the way.
You are paying my bucking medical bill.
I must admit... It's VERY clever of 'Gary Stu' to use the alias 'Jay' while on Earth and Equestria. Sort of like... A secret identity to stop him from being mobbed. Jay is You. Jay is Me. Jay is Life. In fact, I think the WHOLE show would be better if they ditched all the Mane Six, and replaced them all with 'Jays'. Hasbro, GET ON IT!!
6037446 Best point of the evening
Oh boy chapter 2!
I already have a bad feeling about this.
better think of something funny.
lets continue!:
you know what I'll sum this chapter up into a small paragraph called:
SHIPPING POTENTIAL
you killed shining armor so you can get cadence in the short time from now and this isnt the BS reason you made up. you can kill flash aka brad but you cant kill shining its blasphemy!!!! you know you want the pink alicorn I can see it in your little little face....
I call madness I say MADNESS!
well this fic better be a troll or I will shun you for the rest of your days good sir.
This is the funniest thing I've read in a very long time. Here are some of my favourite parts:
Ah, the first of many invented words. I knew I was in for a treat when I saw this sentence.
Kind of creepy. No, wait, incredibly creepy.
A misspelled word AND completely nonsensical grammar? Hot dog!
I don't know how long it took the author to invent this word, but it wasn't worth it.
I... I don't....
I think this is where my first rib broke from laughing.
This is where I actually passed out.
Kind of out of the blue, but at least she sends her love.
Well now you KNOW something is amiss!
OH GOD. NOT THE LOUD SOUNDS. EVERYONE'S DOOMED WHEN THE LOUD SOUNDS OCCUR.
This one took a few seconds to process. I've never seen a nonsequitur quite so dramatic, ever. Where the fuck did a robot come from?!
So poetic. I really have an image in my mind of the robot losing a lot of part.
Just like in the movies! Not good movies, but...
Another thing I didn't see coming. At all. Every sentence in this fucking thing is a new adventure in "what the actual fuck is happening"
As simple as that, folks.
I have no idea how the word "contents" popped up here. I assume "advantages" was what the author meant, but who knows?
Ah, yes, Shinig Armor, a character I really feel like I got to know. It's clear that the death of Shinig Armor was a very long time in his head; as vivid as it was.
I dunnot have any idea how the fuck you invented the word "dunnot".
I can't even process this fic fully; my brain won't allow it. All I know is that I have not laughed this hard in weeks. I'm going to follow the author in the hopes that I get more of this absolute GOLD.
I haven't read the story, but reading the comments alone, I could tell this is going to be one of those badly written, self insert, Mary Sue fics. I will be referring the character of this story as you, dear author, because this smells like a self-insert. Out of all the sentences commenters had written this is one that caught my attention the most, mainly because I'm in the Air Force.
"We were originally Game and Software Designers but we turned into a specialist army for the US Navy. My task was simple, lead them." Who is this "we" is it you and your "friends"? Did you guys decided to change careers from game designers to become some SpecOps team? The fact you and your "friends" not only got through the training but also become part of the same squad is just stupidly impossible. In reality, the two may have a chance to graduate (best case scenario) or none of you makes it.
"Specialist ARMY for the US NAVY" you honestly have no clue what the difference of Army and Navy are do you? Research JSOC or USSOCOM and decide what branch and team you belong to.
"My task was simple, lead them" It takes more then just simply "leading" a team. Especially, a SpecOps one.
"I've invented a lot of inventions." This sentence alone is redundant in its wording. Also wouldn't it be more prudent for you to oh I don't know, be contracted by the US military, DARPA, or the DOD to built shit like Tony Stark and Lux Luthor does for a living.
Think of what you are going to write about. Check your work until your sick of it and hand it to someone else to work on it. Research of what you're character does for a living. Rework the the lore so that it won't clash into the existing one unless you intend to write a completely separate universe with its own lore. More importantly, don't make yourself be the main focus of the story, it makes you sound like an unlikable (how ironic) pretentious and narcissistic prick. Or you could what everyone says, tear it all down and start from scratch with something better and worth everyone's time.
From his Fimfiction userpage:
th00.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/i/2012/289/9/0/everything_makes_sense_now_o_o_by_beyond_the_limit_99-d5hzn9j.jpg
6039149
Your first mistake was implying that your story was on par with canon with that title.
For those who commented negative: I'm from a Dutch country, so I'm very sorry about any grammar errors in this Fimfiction. For those negative commenters who just litterally say 'shit-story': I don't care! I may not be the best, if not the worst. I'm used to bad and negative comments. Trying to stop me from writing? Good luck. And about that eight element thing, more in the future!
Kind Regards,
Cyberponychronics
6037653 I've read your comment, and this fanfiction is actually a follow up for an upcoming FanFiction saga, which one title has been uploaded.
Kind Regards
Cyberponychronics
6037487 Between you and me, Derpy is in fact the first mare in line(spoiled!)
6037450 Jay is NOT alicorn. He is a pony who ust happen to be a reïncarnation of an ancient pony
6037446 That is not what I meant by creating Jay. He is supposed to be the first male pony main Protagonist in the series
6037518 On that 'oh craaabs' thing, 'oh crap' is forbidden
6037388 No i don't. You're free to choose what stories you read
6044349 No, it's not.
For those commenters who think Jay is an Alicorn and start this 'Alicorn Debate', JAY IS NOT A FREAKIN ALICORN!!!!!!!!! HE IS A REÏNCARNATION OF AN ANCIENT FREAKIN PONY!!! DO YOU BUCKING GUYS EVEN READ THE ENTIRE STORY OR ARE YOU BAD COMMENT SPAMMERS!!??? JUST LEAVE YOUR BAD COMMENTS BE. OH, AND THIS STORY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEXUALITY. THE STORY IS AT LEVEL OF THE SHOW. AND I'M NOT ON AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. I'M FREAKIN 18 YEAR OLD FANFIC WRITING ADDICTED STUDENT.
Kind Regards
Cyberponychronics
6044447 Don't listen to them! Keep writing, I want to see more!
6044344 Well, whatever. You did a GREAT job on JAY. Tell you what... Compared to you, Lauren Faust is an AMATEUR. A CHANCER. A FRAUD. I can see it all so clearly now... YOU should have been the one who designed the show. Of course to reflect the new way of things, the series would be rechristened MY LITTLE CYBERPONIES THE WONDERS OF JAY and everyone should spend the entire 22 minutes telling JAY how wonderful he is... And when he isn't on screen, everyone should ask 'where's JAY?' JAY would quickly become the most popular letter of the alphabet worldwide, and the shortfall in profits would soon be more than made up in the new fanbase of Otakus and Hikikomoris all buying merchandise pertaining to JAY. GENIUS.
Oh well, perhaps next lifetime.... *Sigh*
6044301
This still does not change the fact that your story is stupid unoriginal cliched bs.
Sorry to be blunt and brutally honest, but that is how it is. No whining about my freedom to pick what stories i read is going to change that fact at all.
6044595
6044519
If he stops writing on this site because of you guys I'm gonna be so mad.
6044626
Maybe he could learn a valuable lesson from the jelly doughnut scene. It is an extended metaphor for this situation.
Why the fuck was there a jelly doughnut in his footlocker? Because he was hungry. Now everyone is being punished just like in the scene all because of that doughnut.
If he quits, it just says all the more about his willpower.
6044626 I don't know what you're on about... You and I are on EXACTLY the same wavelength regarding the god-given talent of this chap. If fact, I'm thinking of having a statue commissioned in his honour. Let's face it... If that hack a Shakespeare can get one, this prodigy surely can. FUND RAISING BEGINS ON KICKSTARTER SOON!!
6044331
Um...that's not how that works here. He's been reincarnated, sure I'll let that part slide
, but what he's a reincarnation of is still an alicorn.
He IS in alicorn.
6045352 The reïncarnation is not Alicorn, but rather man made by Humans
6044626 I'll NEVER give in on writing. It's my passion along acting
6048048
And yet...the body that was "man-made" is one of an alicorn. Dude, it doesn't matter how you try to swing it, he IS an alicorn now. You have an alicorn OC, there is no other way you can honestly put it.
It even says so right in your own story!
They know what Twilight is. They know that alicorns have wings and a horn. They would be able to correctly identify that the creature infront of them is an alicorn.
If you want to keep saying that your character isn't an alicorn, then fine. But answer me this.
If he's not an alicorn, then what was even the purpose of putting him in that body. Why not a normal pony body? Or hell, make him a totally different creature entirely, one that ponies have never even seen?
6048095 That is because it is supposed to look like he's an Alicorn. That's the whole joke about it. In the show, the entire Ponyville populations go nuts about a small thing. So he may loo like an Alicorn, but that's not how the Cyberpony kind works, silly!
6051357
Fine, whatever.
troll.me/images/serious-owl/im-done-just-fucking-done.jpg
You might already read this story. If you did, you found several bad grammar faults(maybe ones like that), if you didn't you either are a fast reader or simply invulnerable to grammar faults. If you did, then you´d already made some serious yet funny bad comments on this story. Whomever you are and how much you read this story, two things stand that explain a lot: I'm not a Native English speaker/writer, and I'm a fast typer. This, however, doesn't stop me from stopping creating stories for those who like my dar and insane ideas(yes i said that out loud). As the matter of fact, Season 6 EP3 is in moderation atm and I'm working on a sequel of Disneyfanatic23's Bride of Discord stories, of course in the traditional Cyberponychronics dark way.
I hope I have made some clear info.
Don't try to break me, because I WILL NEVER STOP WRITING!!!
Greetings,
Cyberponychronics
Me reading through these comments:
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But yeah, I'd have to agree with the commentators... get an editor, a prereader, someone who writes well.
One more thing: Nope.