• Member Since 2nd Apr, 2015
  • offline last seen Jan 25th, 2019


What's up everypony? The name's Jay from somewhere in Europe and I create stories surrounding an OC who originates from Earth



A young boy named Jamy ends up after a accident with his motorcycle in Equestria, and he turns into one of the inhabitants.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 54 )

. You know I love to ride my motorcycle fastly thourgh narrow routes.

..... why...

As Jamy rides away, Alfredo waves him bye and a 16 year old girl watches through the window. Jamy drives through the dark streets of Washington D.C. which is his home. He rides on the Whitehurst Road when he crashes and falls into a dark pit of nothing.


This has to be a trollfic. I'm labeling this a trollfic for my sanity.

The cover art looks like a 3 year old's drawing. :facehoof:

Well, damn. So many errors it feels like a chore to point them all out. All the show, not tell thing, the plot moving faster than a bullet, character being insta-liked by everyone, they all pile up. Specially the character's over-poweredness.

It's better to just call the Inquisiton and request an Exterminatus.

Just tell me this is a trollfic.

I have no words for this. I think my brain has finally broken over the sheer stupidity of this fic. No more than a dozen lines in that I had to literally close it because I could actually feel myself getting stupider just reading it.

You've written the perfect anti-story. You should feel proud.

B) Alicorn: check
I) Seventh Element: check
N) Element not related to interaction/friendship: check
G) Nopony questioning the existence of a random eighth element: check
O) More powerful than the combined power of all known Alicorns: check (mentioned in author notes)

Apparently, "late dark" is now a time. Looks like I need to get new clocks now.
If the a word starts with a vowel, precurse it with the word "an". You used something like this way to many times to be funny. If it was just once, okay. But nearly EVERY time?

returns to a Italian restaurant

should be:

returns to an Italian restaurant

Also... random new type of pony we've never heard of because reasons.

Actually, think I know what happened here:
The person who wrote this... was a kid. Probably for school, or free time. But he is definitely elementary school age. Bravo, little Jay! If you are a kid, I would be more than willing to share what little I know of story crafting.

If you are not in elementary, and are instead high school or above and are not diagnosed with a recognized learning disability, then you should probably pay attention in your grammar classes.

It's late dark as a 17 year old boy returns to a Italian restaurant called 'Filomena Ristorante', when the owner comes outside.

At least the guy has the decency to exit the restaurant and let his customers eat in peace while he ejaculates noiselessly outside.

The boy, mid-tall, blonde hair, wearing a grey jacket, dark blue jeans, dark green sneakers and a black and green NY cap, dismounts his motorcycle as the restaurant owner hugs the boy and says with an Italian accent

Geez, guy. You're not even going to pull your pants up before you go rubbing your Fettuccine Alfredo all over that underage kid?

''I owe you nothin' Alfredo.

Stereotypes are fun.

You know I love to ride my motorcycle fastly thourgh narrow routes.

I-Is... Jamy hitting on Alfredo?

See ya tommorow!''


As Jamy rides away, Alfredo Pizzeria waves him bye and the 16 year old girl chained to a bed in the basement screams go unheard once more.


Jamy drives through the dark streets of Washington D.C. which is his home. He rides on the Whitehurst Road when he crashes and falls into a dark pit of nothing.

I want everyone to let this scene sink in for a moment. I mean, I really want you to think about what just happened in this one sentence...

Jamy rises on his feet but falls down on his hands. But they aren't hands.

What was the point in telling us this?

Jay and Derpy are drinking a smoothie when the loud sounds occur.

I hope you brought some Pepto Bismol or this might get messy...

Words written in Caps-lock are ment to be shouts and high volume talking.

Delete your account. Now.


Like honestly, you should delete this and your account.


''A STALLION ALICORN!'' The ponies who stand in front of the Town hall starts yelling things.

Incorrect pluralization on so many levels.

But after a second he gains control and flies towards Derpy.
''Well, show me the way.''

NEVER ask Derpy to show you the way anywhere.


This story made me go on a temper tantrum, and i think i had a seizure fit along the way.

You are paying my bucking medical bill.

I must admit... It's VERY clever of 'Gary Stu' to use the alias 'Jay' while on Earth and Equestria. Sort of like... A secret identity to stop him from being mobbed. Jay is You. Jay is Me. Jay is Life. In fact, I think the WHOLE show would be better if they ditched all the Mane Six, and replaced them all with 'Jays'. Hasbro, GET ON IT!!

Hello I am theone2three I am going to review this piece of work ....
when I mean review I mean In comedic way and in no intent to harm

It's up to you if you want to take me seriously or not

I am not heavy on grammar or spelling unless it's too obvious I like to criticize the concept and the overall plot of a story.

so there's my disclaimer now lets begin...

My Little Pony Friendship is Magic Season 6: The cyberponies Part 1 & 2

What... what is this . Cyberponies? when did this become yu gi oh.

It's late dark as a 17 year old boy returns to a Italian restaurant called 'Filomena Ristorante'

late dark ??? is English your second language or what? and also 'Filomena Ristorante'...

'My Jamy, you are my savoir. Your driving skills saved my restaurant many times. I owe you much.''
Jamy says:
''I owe you nothin' Alfredo. You know I love to ride my motorcycle fastly thourgh narrow routes. See ya tommorow!''
As Jamy rides away, Alfredo waves him bye and a 16 year old girl watches through the window. Jamy drives through the dark streets of Washington D.C. which is his home. He rides on the Whitehurst Road when he crashes and falls into a dark pit of nothing.

The Irony is so high!
also who the fuck is this girl?

''You okay?''
''You...You're a talking pegasus?''
''You can call it that.''
And she smiles. Jamy looks around and sees lots of coloured fields, houses and other ponies with strange marks on the flanks.
''Where am I?''
''You're in Ponyville, Equestria. Household of the Elements of Harmony.''
''Wait? Ponyville, Equestria? That means, I've travelled to another universe.''

One simple explanation: drugs. end of story

Jay and Derpy walk towards the Town Square where a lot of Ponies are held up by a speech. A purple pony with wings and a horn speaks: ''...And yet we haven't wahtever fell out of the sky. If there's any damage to anypony's house, now is the time to tell.'' It remains silent.
''I guess no one has damage then. Any questions?'' A pale white hoof raises. ''Yes?''
''Where in the Ultiverse am I?''
''Who asks that?'' Jay walks up towards the Purple pony and says: ''I'm Jay and I'm..''
''A STALLION ALICORN!'' The ponies who stand in front of the Town hall starts yelling things.

Oh the alicorn debate rises again. here's my input ...
Its all about the concept and characterization of the OC you create and just your writing in general, if you make a decent OC then there should'nt be a Issue... then again cancerous people look at alicorn OC's and yell outrage and hate. :derpytongue2:

''I don't look like an 'alicorn' at all. I think the word 'Unisus' fits better.''

And this is why alicorn OC's are hated.

When the purple mare and Jay enter a gigantic tree-like crystal castle. Jay gets cheerfully greeded by a pink mare with puffy hair that frequently keeps shouting: ''Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, what's your name?''
They enter the throne room which has eight thrones. Pinkie Pie mentions:
''Oh that throne appeared right after you left Twilight. Still, what's your name?'' Jay says:
''The name's Jay. And I think that 'throne is mine', looking at the picture on the throne.''
Jay is right, the 8th throne has the same picture as his mark.

Ignoring pinkie is a death sentence also why is there 8 thrones... and one with your cutie mark... you cant just do that its abusing " plot convenience " I think for most logical people this is where the story ends and the downvotes begin. but I'm here so the review must go on ! ( phssss ... I not sane! )

Before our known time began, before even the birth of Star Swirl the Bearded, there was a race of ponies, called the Cyberponies. These were the most powerful ponies ever to exist, as they were able to let things such as raising the sun and the moon go manually, which turned into the ability of the two Alicorn sisters Celestia and Luna. Three generations of cyberponies were spread through a mysterious wormhole in the sky. For three generations they lived in harmony, until a tribe of cyberponies now called the 'Cybergrounds', wanted to take control of everything the eye could see. Their leader, Xialor Earth, went on to fight the other tribe, called Cyberflare. Cyberflares leader Jaycone Blaze defended everything with his tribe. A war of 250 years raged upon the lands. Everything was destroyed, due to cyberponies ability to 'weaponize' themselves, because of their robotic skeleton. In order to defeat Xialor, Jaycone made seven crystals, which he called the Elements of Harmony. He gave them the names: Honesty, Loyalty, Kindness, Magic, Laughter Generosity and his own Element: Creativity. In the Final Fight, Jaycone used the Elements of Harmony to fight Xialor, and both fell together. After the Cyberponies era, the three Tribes, Unicorn, Pegasi and Earth ponies, were formed. and they build up Equestria as it is now.''

its nice that you made this... at least you thought this out ... I guess.
In the other hand this sounds like you drop acid a bit too much my friend.

''But that Seventh Element thing, what is that supposed to mean?''
Twilight says: ''I'm not sure, but it could mean there's more towards the Magic of Friendship than we'd originally believed.''

No no rainbow dash has a point. what in the wide wide world of Equestria is this
creativity is not friendship... no correlation at all.

It remains silent.
''Thanks, my ears are almost bleeding because of all this shoutin'.''

slow and painful deaths are the most amusing -fimfiction anti-alicorn community

Derpy smiles. ''That's pretty cool! Did you make them yourself?''
''Not just by myself. I had an entire crew to back me up. We called ourselves JLP, short for Jamy Legend Productions. We were originally Game and Software Designers but we turned into a specialist army for the US Navy. My task was simple, lead them. As they fight, you fight with them. I've invented a lot of inventions.''

oh boy no one is going to say this is mary sueish...

Twilight opens the letter and reads: 'To my faithful student Twilight: The pony you told me about is a reincarnation of Jaycone Blaze, thus his powers are beyond all the magic in Equestria. Hold him in your sight, or he can become an incredible threat to the magic of friendship. I'm sending Shining Armor and Cadence to help you girls if he becomes a threat. Love Celestia.

well when there's a overpowered OC ... everything dies and gets shipped!


Cyberponies are even more powerful than Twilight when she fought Tirek. And that was really powerful.

and Im suppose to be afraid... worried... what is this BS I hear!

Oh boy chapter 2!
I already have a bad feeling about this.
better think of something funny.

lets continue!:

you know what I'll sum this chapter up into a small paragraph called:
you killed shining armor so you can get cadence in the short time from now and this isnt the BS reason you made up. you can kill flash aka brad but you cant kill shining its blasphemy!!!! you know you want the pink alicorn I can see it in your little little face....
I call madness I say MADNESS!
well this fic better be a troll or I will shun you for the rest of your days good sir.

This is the funniest thing I've read in a very long time. Here are some of my favourite parts:

I love to ride my motorcycle fastly

Ah, the first of many invented words. I knew I was in for a treat when I saw this sentence.

a 16 year old girl watches through the window

Kind of creepy. No, wait, incredibly creepy.

...And yet we haven't wahtever fell out of the sky.

A misspelled word AND completely nonsensical grammar? Hot dog!

I think the word 'Unisus' fits better.

I don't know how long it took the author to invent this word, but it wasn't worth it.


I... I don't....

We were originally Game and Software Designers but we turned into a specialist army for the US Navy. My task was simple, lead them.

I think this is where my first rib broke from laughing.

I've invented a lot of inventions.

This is where I actually passed out.

I'm sending Shining Armor and Cadence to help you girls if he becomes a threat. Love Celestia.

Kind of out of the blue, but at least she sends her love.

She didn't even ended with her casual sentence.

Well now you KNOW something is amiss!

Jay and Derpy are drinking a smoothie when the loud sounds occur.


As Jay flies towards the giant robot

This one took a few seconds to process. I've never seen a nonsequitur quite so dramatic, ever. Where the fuck did a robot come from?!

resulting that it loses a lot of part that falls into the once clean water.

So poetic. I really have an image in my mind of the robot losing a lot of part.

then Shining Armor stand in front of the beam and everything goes in slow motion.

Just like in the movies! Not good movies, but...

And the blast sends him flying resulting in his death.

Another thing I didn't see coming. At all. Every sentence in this fucking thing is a new adventure in "what the actual fuck is happening"

The Robot starts glowing and explodes.

As simple as that, folks.

Being a Cyberpony has it's contents.

I have no idea how the word "contents" popped up here. I assume "advantages" was what the author meant, but who knows?

The death of Shinig Armor was a long time in my head.

Ah, yes, Shinig Armor, a character I really feel like I got to know. It's clear that the death of Shinig Armor was a very long time in his head; as vivid as it was.

Dunnot remember

I dunnot have any idea how the fuck you invented the word "dunnot".

I can't even process this fic fully; my brain won't allow it. All I know is that I have not laughed this hard in weeks. I'm going to follow the author in the hopes that I get more of this absolute GOLD.

I haven't read the story, but reading the comments alone, I could tell this is going to be one of those badly written, self insert, Mary Sue fics. I will be referring the character of this story as you, dear author, because this smells like a self-insert. Out of all the sentences commenters had written this is one that caught my attention the most, mainly because I'm in the Air Force.

"We were originally Game and Software Designers but we turned into a specialist army for the US Navy. My task was simple, lead them." Who is this "we" is it you and your "friends"? Did you guys decided to change careers from game designers to become some SpecOps team? The fact you and your "friends" not only got through the training but also become part of the same squad is just stupidly impossible. In reality, the two may have a chance to graduate (best case scenario) or none of you makes it.

"Specialist ARMY for the US NAVY" you honestly have no clue what the difference of Army and Navy are do you? Research JSOC or USSOCOM and decide what branch and team you belong to.

"My task was simple, lead them" It takes more then just simply "leading" a team. Especially, a SpecOps one.

"I've invented a lot of inventions." This sentence alone is redundant in its wording. Also wouldn't it be more prudent for you to oh I don't know, be contracted by the US military, DARPA, or the DOD to built shit like Tony Stark and Lux Luthor does for a living.

Think of what you are going to write about. Check your work until your sick of it and hand it to someone else to work on it. Research of what you're character does for a living. Rework the the lore so that it won't clash into the existing one unless you intend to write a completely separate universe with its own lore. More importantly, don't make yourself be the main focus of the story, it makes you sound like an unlikable (how ironic) pretentious and narcissistic prick. Or you could what everyone says, tear it all down and start from scratch with something better and worth everyone's time.

From his Fimfiction userpage:

(In response to another user)

Thanks for the offer, but I know a lot already, due to my activity on Fanfiction.net


Your first mistake was implying that your story was on par with canon with that title.

For those who commented negative: I'm from a Dutch country, so I'm very sorry about any grammar errors in this Fimfiction. For those negative commenters who just litterally say 'shit-story': I don't care! I may not be the best, if not the worst. I'm used to bad and negative comments. Trying to stop me from writing? Good luck. And about that eight element thing, more in the future!

Kind Regards,


6037653 I've read your comment, and this fanfiction is actually a follow up for an upcoming FanFiction saga, which one title has been uploaded.

Kind Regards


6037487 Between you and me, Derpy is in fact the first mare in line(spoiled!)

6037450 Jay is NOT alicorn. He is a pony who ust happen to be a reïncarnation of an ancient pony

6037446 That is not what I meant by creating Jay. He is supposed to be the first male pony main Protagonist in the series

6037518 On that 'oh craaabs' thing, 'oh crap' is forbidden

6037388 No i don't. You're free to choose what stories you read :twilightsmile:


Kind Regards


6044447 Don't listen to them! Keep writing, I want to see more!

6044344 Well, whatever. You did a GREAT job on JAY. Tell you what... Compared to you, Lauren Faust is an AMATEUR. A CHANCER. A FRAUD. I can see it all so clearly now... YOU should have been the one who designed the show. Of course to reflect the new way of things, the series would be rechristened MY LITTLE CYBERPONIES THE WONDERS OF JAY and everyone should spend the entire 22 minutes telling JAY how wonderful he is... And when he isn't on screen, everyone should ask 'where's JAY?' JAY would quickly become the most popular letter of the alphabet worldwide, and the shortfall in profits would soon be more than made up in the new fanbase of Otakus and Hikikomoris all buying merchandise pertaining to JAY. GENIUS.

Oh well, perhaps next lifetime.... *Sigh*

This still does not change the fact that your story is stupid unoriginal cliched bs.

Sorry to be blunt and brutally honest, but that is how it is. No whining about my freedom to pick what stories i read is going to change that fact at all.


If he stops writing on this site because of you guys I'm gonna be so mad. :facehoof:

Maybe he could learn a valuable lesson from the jelly doughnut scene. It is an extended metaphor for this situation.

Why the fuck was there a jelly doughnut in his footlocker? Because he was hungry. Now everyone is being punished just like in the scene all because of that doughnut.

If he quits, it just says all the more about his willpower.

6044626 I don't know what you're on about... You and I are on EXACTLY the same wavelength regarding the god-given talent of this chap. If fact, I'm thinking of having a statue commissioned in his honour. Let's face it... If that hack a Shakespeare can get one, this prodigy surely can. FUND RAISING BEGINS ON KICKSTARTER SOON!!


Jay is NOT alicorn. He is a pony who ust happen to be a reïncarnation of an ancient pony

Um...that's not how that works here. He's been reincarnated, sure I'll let that part slide:unsuresweetie:, but what he's a reincarnation of is still an alicorn.

He IS in alicorn.

6045352 The reïncarnation is not Alicorn, but rather man made by Humans

6044626 I'll NEVER give in on writing. It's my passion along acting


And yet...the body that was "man-made" is one of an alicorn. Dude, it doesn't matter how you try to swing it, he IS an alicorn now. You have an alicorn OC, there is no other way you can honestly put it.

It even says so right in your own story!

''A STALLION ALICORN!'' The ponies who stand in front of the Town hall starts yelling things.

They know what Twilight is. They know that alicorns have wings and a horn. They would be able to correctly identify that the creature infront of them is an alicorn.

If you want to keep saying that your character isn't an alicorn, then fine. But answer me this.

If he's not an alicorn, then what was even the purpose of putting him in that body. Why not a normal pony body? Or hell, make him a totally different creature entirely, one that ponies have never even seen?

6048095 That is because it is supposed to look like he's an Alicorn. That's the whole joke about it. In the show, the entire Ponyville populations go nuts about a small thing. So he may loo like an Alicorn, but that's not how the Cyberpony kind works, silly!:twilightsmile:


That is because it is supposed to look like he's an Alicorn.

Fine, whatever.


You might already read this story. If you did, you found several bad grammar faults(maybe ones like that), if you didn't you either are a fast reader or simply invulnerable to grammar faults. If you did, then you´d already made some serious yet funny bad comments on this story. Whomever you are and how much you read this story, two things stand that explain a lot: I'm not a Native English speaker/writer, and I'm a fast typer. This, however, doesn't stop me from stopping creating stories for those who like my dar and insane ideas(yes i said that out loud). As the matter of fact, Season 6 EP3 is in moderation atm and I'm working on a sequel of Disneyfanatic23's Bride of Discord stories, of course in the traditional Cyberponychronics dark way.

I hope I have made some clear info.
Don't try to break me, because I WILL NEVER STOP WRITING!!!


Comment posted by Autobot Robrony deleted Aug 21st, 2017
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