FlutterCold

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Princess of Edits

Princess of Edits #1 · Feb 21st, 2015 · 6 · ·

Good day to thee, citizen. As of late, I have taken it upon myself to review the works of authors whom I deemed in need of constructive criticism from a weathered eye. Up until now, I have only chosen family-friendly stories. However, as I sat in this very chair, snuggled up in a blanket with a mug of cocoa as the snow piled up outside, I decided it was finally time for me to step-up to a piece of erotic fiction, so to speak.

I would have thee take heed, however. While I shall not strive to debase thee or thy work, I will also not curb mine opinions for the mere sake of preserving thy dignity. One of the best things an aspiring author can obtain early on is thick skin, so as to withstand criticism such as the kind I may level against thy story. I tell thee truly, ‘tis for thine own good.

With that said—onward!

I make note, here, of thine author’s note:

My first clopfic and escalated out of an abandoned romance fic.

I shall return to this later.

So, thy story beginneth as Big Mac ruminateth on the reasons wherefore his sister hath sent him to care for poor, sick Fluttershy. The first issue I would note is that thine opening sentence faileth to catch mine attention. Thou needest something short, catchy, and poignant, and while thou hast succeeded with the first of those requirements, the line lacketh the second and the third.

But why me? Twilight Sparkle, savior of Canterlot and Celestia's former protege has an inventory of hundreds, if not millions of books to her aid and service.

I believe thou hast forgotten a few powers of ten between one-hundred and one-million.

Anyway, Big Mac hath some exceedingly bitter thoughts in regards to Twilight’s unwillingness to instantly cure Fluttershy. Who is to say that this is something Ms. Sparkle can actually do? He never even considereth that mayhaps there is an actual reason she hath left Fluttershy’s illness be. However, this could be attributed to faulty thinking on his part, so I shall allow it to slide.

And here I stand, with a bowl of soup in my hoof, and bandana around my mouth and nose, seeing the cottage she peacefully lived in. I knocked with me free hoof, and instead of receiving a slow opening door to a shy pony, who had gotten better over night and not need my assistance, fate lends an irritated rabbit.

However, there are a few items here that I shall not simply gloss over. First, thy prose is not certain which tense it should be in. “And here I stand” is a present-tense statement, but later on, thou hast “I knocked with me [sic] free hoof…” which is a past-tense. Thou needest to decide which thou preferest and then stick with it.

I also question a few of thy word choices. In particular, “seeing the cottage” is an incredibly passive way to indicate that he is staring at fair Fluttershy’s humble abode. In order to catch issues like these, I suggest that thou findest thee a pre-reader, who would be quite likely to point them out for thee.

I knew this little bugger, and didn’t respect him as much as the average pony.

Ah, poor Angel Bunny. Again he receiveth the brunt of the community’s anger. Regardless, this sentence doth confuse me. Doth Macintosh not like Angel as much as he liketh the average pony, or doth Macintosh not like Angel as much as the average pony liketh Angel? Again, a pre-reader would help thee catch problems such as this.

‘Angel’- as Fluttershy called him - seemed to be in a slightly weaker state than usual. Hungry mostly. Fluttershy was too sick to attend to her many woodland friends, and even if she had, I would know Angel wouldn’t touch the contaminated substances. He opened the door wider, inviting me into the cottage.

When thou sayest “a slightly weaker state than usual”, what meanest thou? Is he noticeably thinner? Canst thou see his rib cage? Doth he seem tired? ‘Tis details such as this that turn the characters into living, breathing entities, rather than cardboard door-rabbits.

Unfinished dishes occupied the sinks, and burnt waffles were on the dining table, along with an empty glass and a library of pills.

Prithee, why are there burnt waffles? ‘Tis less a criticism than it is simple curiousity.

Moving on, Macintosh proceedeth into Fluttershy’s personal chambers, from which he heard her sneezing. And what awaiteth him inside?

A swollen mass took comfort under the bed sheets.

I would not dare speak for thee, but in my case, when I think of a swollen mass, I conjure an image of something unsightly and lumpy that groweth on somepony’s hindquarters. Perhaps ‘tis just me, but I suggest that thou thinkest of another way to describe Fluttershy.

So Macintosh asketh permission to enter, to which Fluttershy can do naught but shuffle her legs. ‘Tis a frightful cold, indeed, to have incapacitated her thusly. She sendeth him downstairs for some medicine, which he bringeth up to her.

I would also have thee note the following segment:

Mac departed from Fluttershys room and rummaged through her collection - eventually finding it after nearly five minutes. Once he returned, Fluttershy was out of her sheets and drinking the warm carrot soup. Big Mac placed the pill bottle on the nightstand.

'Tis here that thou leavest behind the first-person perspective and move into a third-person perspective.

I must say, I cannot see why Celestia cautioned me against reviewing erotic fiction. Thus far, it has not been bad at all—

He flinched and was prepared to retaliate with a warning, but before he could Fluttershy grabbed his limp dick.

Oh—oh, my.

“Stay? Please?” Fluttershy then started to slowly but elegantly stroke his massive, growing member. Within a few seconds his cock was completely erect. Big Mac was so caught off guard he stared at the ceiling in pure disbelief and pleasure, and moaned loudly between each stroke.

Oh, my.

His mind raced with questions and choked from the confusion. Macs mind dissolved into the experience - feeling each nerve aid in his feed.

Oh, my—I suddenly regret everything.

I recall, at this point, thine author’s note, wherein thou indicatest that the story began as a romance, but changed into something more erotic. Well, I believe I found the point where that transition taketh place.

I feel it important to note that, up until now, Fluttershy hath been rendered nearly immobile. It took her considerable effort to simply sit up and eat, yet now she hath sex on her mind and the power, both of will and body, to pursue it? I understand that her weakness is a leftover plot device from thy fic’s previous incarnation, but mayhaps thou shouldst consider going back to change it, so that this is more believable? I doubt that Big Macintosh would enjoy intercourse with somepony who was sneezing, sniffling, coughing, and barely cognizant of where they were or what they were doing, but the fact of the matter is that thou initially presented Fluttershy that way.

Then she stopped. Just like that, the feeling fleeted without the satisfying ending.

Sweet little Fluttershy, mistress of “blue-balling”, as the youth are wont to say. I never knew she had it in her. Now, author, kindly wait a moment as I take a sip of my beverage.

Fluttershy began the tango by bobbing her ass slowly against his cock - her pussy hugging his dick with love.

*Spits cocoa on computer screen*

HAHAHAHAHA! Oh—pffHAHAHA! THIS IS—ha—this is a truly—*snicker*—I beg thy pardon—I could not help it. This line standeth out as a clear attempt to write poignant prose by using metaphor. It doth thee little good, especially when the metaphors are so… lame.

“I want to thank you for helping me recover, Big Macintosh. I apologize for having to occupy your busy schedule.”

Ah, a stallion’s penis—just what any mare needeth in order to feel better. Do note my sarcastic tone.

In regards to the scenes, I have very little left that I would note, except that thy grammar becometh sloppy during the steamy parts. I shall attribute this to excitement on thy part, but thou shouldst keep that in mind for future writing.

I would also like to mention that thy characterizations are quite weak. Now, to be fair, I recognize that this is erotic fiction, where some things are more important than others. However, based on thine author’s note, I can assume that thou hast at least some small amount of interest in writing in other genres, so I will provide mine insight anyway.

Big Macintosh’s conflict in the beginning, where he wondereth wherefore he was selected to check up on Fluttershy, was not resolved. Nor didst thou provide any sort of indication as to Fluttershy’s own feelings, save that she desireth some kind of sexual experience. I noted hints in the beginning that Fluttershy’s friends all wanted her in a relationship with Big Mac, but again, this conflict was left unresolved. I know not what thou had planned for this, but ‘tis most unsatisfying to be left hanging.

I suppose that is all there is to comment on for now. At least, these are the largest issues that I chose to relay to thee. The best thing thou canst do for thy work is to find a pre-reader, as I believe such a person would assist thee greatly in finding and stamping out many of the snags that I noted. I pray that this review provideth thee with some small amount of insight, and that thou hast good luck with thy future writing endeavors.

I, on the other hoof, am off to take a cold shower and reflect upon my recent decisions.

TheKing

TheKing #2 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · · 3 ·

5653891

(Well I saw that coming.)

This story was meant to be an unusual one shot with little care. Not to mention that this is my first attempt at erotic fiction (though this does not excuse the character "development" and description(s)).

I'm still new to writing fanfiction and even more so to this genre - though the way I felt making this might inspire me to create more in the future with better cleaning and preparedness. I thank you for your review sire.

Limelight02