I'm a writer. I write books, fanfics, short stories, and poems. Writing is my life, my fuel, my very being. Without it I would be nothing.
Ivy always fit in everywhere. She never stood out, just melted into the shadows. Ivy always felt like she was the living version of her name growing anywhere and everywhere. Feeling that she should try to make her own way in the world she moves to ponyville. There she meets someone very special who will change her whole life.
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5585586 Is it that awful?
Please elaborate!
Well then, this is a nice story, though I can see why readers might be turned off.
That said...
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Aside from a few grammatical errors and a few missing words here and there, I'd say there are two major things to work on first.
- Wall-of-text syndrome: The first thing I've noticed when reading your fic was the lack of spaces between paragraphs. Seeing a huge block of words all put together will usually make readers hesitant to start chipping away at it, and breaking it into smaller pieces for them is much more comfortable and easy to manage.
A good way to do this is to take sentences that convey a general idea and keep those together. Then when the focus shifts, you know it's time to do a double tap of that "Enter/Return key".
- Character dialogue: When reading, I often found it a bit hard to keep track of who was talking due to the spoken words not being directly next to the name of who was saying them, as well as the lack of spacing between characters. This creates an odd disconnect for us readers as we try to make sense of what's happening instead of simply reading it as though we were listening to people talk.
Other than that, you might want to start using commas (,) and ellipsis (...) more often to break up sentences further, especially in dialogue.
Commas are generally used for short pauses, while Ellipsis are generally for longer... more delayed pauses.
And a final piece of advice;
- Pacing: Your story felt very fast paced, even when what was happening wasn't particularly hyped or exciting. One sentence Ivy is on a train, the next she's at the platform asking for directions, then she's at her new home unpacking and eating dinner... etc. and so on and so forth.
Not all scenes in your story need to be long or drawn out (and indeed, you should probably skip over the less interesting stuff for the sake of keeping the audiences' attention) but for each part of the story you write, take some time to read over it, and make sure you've given your readers enough to convey the feel of what you're trying to show them before moving on to the next part.
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Anyway, I hope this helps you. I really do like your story so far, and I'd love to see it improve.
In the meantime, have a like.
5589771 You have my thanks. That was great advice and i will take it to heart, though it will take some time for my to use your suggestions. Though again thank you your the first bit of criticism i have and it's amazing i am basking in it!
I'm so happy you're enjoying writing this - that's the most important part, in my opinion.
Don't mind downvotes and the lack of comments that go with them. It makes me sad every time I get one, but at the end of the day... did you produce a piece of writing? Yes? Then they can't take that away from you, no matter how many times they downvote. Most folks downvote just for writing OCs... they've got quite a stigma... so take the negativity with a grain of salt there.
That said, I like your OC, Ivy. She's got a good head on her shoulders, and she's rather relatable, I think. Most of us would understand feeling out of place moving to a new town. The wallflowers among us would certainly understand the ache of wanting to be more social and have friends, but getting downtrodden by how we just sort of seem to fade into the background. Very clever of you to use the metaphor of garden ivy for her. To her credit... Ivy can go unnoticed and be overlooked, but the wall would be bare and sorely lacking without it.
I enjoy your lovestruck Thunderlane! Their meeting was giggle-worthy and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing how that progresses, if you intend for him to be her special somepony.
As far as constructive criticism... I think Erised covered any advice I'd have to give. So long as you understood his points, you're good to go! In my opinion, grammar and spelling and style can be worked on and fixed later. If the creative ideas are flowing, let them flow. It's better to tell the story you want to tell than get tripped up in trying to tell it perfectly and end up not telling it at all. None of us started writing with pristine grammar and spelling; my first fiction was downright terrible, in fact!
So keep up the good work and don't let anything stop you from doing what you love!
5599905
(That was my face reading your comment)