Ambition Undying

by Vivid Syntax

Return

Onyx blinked his eyes.

He shook his head, and his mane tumbled across his neck like it was supposed to. He looked behind him, and there was no smoke. There was only a grey coat and his cutie mark. His body was devoid of armor or adornment.

"What?" His voice seemed foreign. It was smooth and full of wonder, and he spoke again to confirm that what he'd heard was real. "What?"

The light was dim, but he recognized the marble floor of the throne room. Tapping it once, he confirmed that it was solid.

He looked up at his horn. There was no red at the tip. There was only a grey spiral that seemed so ordinary and yet so bizarre.

Onyx gasped as he realized that his mind had gone silent. He felt no desire to conquer. He wished not for dominion nor accolades nor victory. He wanted only peace, and he smiled broadly.

When he looked again, Princess Luna stood rigidly before him with her wings flared out. "Auntie!"

She remained silent. The tip of her horn glowed weakly, and tears flowed freely from her eyes.

"Auntie! You… You don't need to cry." He bounced up to her, like he had when he was foal, and nuzzled her face. He felt no warmth. "You stopped him!" He backed up, grinning ear to ear. "How'd you do it?"

Luna remained still a moment longer. "I did not need to." She looked to her right, and her horn glowed brightly enough to light up the entire throne room. "You did."

Onyx turned his head. "What do you–" He froze at what he saw.

An image of two figures sat before him. When he looked closer, Onyx saw that the figures had depth, like two masterfully crafted statues. On the right sat a dark blue alicorn princess on her throne, mouth agape and tears in her eyes. She was leaning forward and shouting, transfixed by the dark cloud looming over her. A ray of blue light reached out from her horn and touched the face of her opponent.

The head of a fierce-looking unicorn sat atop the dark cloud, pointed teeth bared and red horn aglow. The monster's pupils were tightly constricted, and the green eyes glowed only dimly. It seemed to be crashing down on the princess, its movement stopped by the whims of time. In its chest glowed a green orb, flickering weakly.

And there, through the center of the orb, rested a sword bathed in frozen red magic. It had an intricate black handle like curved tree roots with rubies on the guard and pommel. Its wide, black blade twinkled like the night sky.

Onyx stumbled in place. "This is… an illusion?"

Luna spoke slowly. "If only it were so. You are asleep, my treasured nephew, for now." She turned back to Onyx. "Forgive me. I could not bear to let you go so swiftly."

Onyx squinted at the scene before him. Nearly imperceptibly, the wisps in the monster's smoke continued to move, and blood dripped impossibly slowly from the hilt of the sword.

Slowly, without tearing his eyes away from the scene before him, Onyx brushed his chest with a hoof before bringing it up to his face. The grey fur was stained red.

Luna spoke quietly. "I… I am sorry."

Onyx turned his head to his aunt. She had bowed her head and closed her eyes, and she quivered with each shallow breath.

He looked back to his hoof. "I did this?" His eyes burned.

Silence hung in the air, interrupted only by a drop of blood ringing against the marble floor and resonating for many moments.

Onyx felt dizzy. He sat down on the floor, and Luna rushed over.

"Onyx?" she asked weakly.

There was no pain, and there were no voices in his head. Onyx stared at the giant monster in front of him, and a smile spread across his face. "I did it. I beat him."

Onyx glanced to his left and saw a large, black bubble far away from the two figures. "Noble!" He jumped up and galloped as hard as he could, but though his legs moved, they did not propel him forward. "What?" He looked down to find that he now hovered slightly above the floor. "Huh." With a shake of his mane, he stopped exactly where he started, and he began to feel the pain of the hole in his chest.

Luna appeared next to Onyx. "He will live, and he will remember you fondly."

"But I won't be around." Somehow, Onyx knew he was crying. He felt no tears in his eyes or lumps in his throat, but he knew. "Is he going to be happy?"

"His wife is beautiful, and their filly is healthy. Yes, I believe so."

"Tell him I'm sorry." Onyx shook his head. "Tell him I'm so, so sorry." He looked over to Luna. "Can I tell him myself?"

"I… think you will have a few moments, yes."

The two of them looked back at the scene before them, but it had begun to change. The dark mist that clung to the walls of the throne room began to fade, and tiny beams of light started pouring in through the windows. The wisps of smoke behind the demon moved more quickly, and little by little, everything began to speed up.

Even as a shade, Onyx's voice seemed shaky. "Do I… Do I get to come back? Like he did?"

"It is not for me to know." Luna turned her head. "But I am certain that Sombra will not return. The Starlight Blade has severed whatever connection he had to this world."

Onyx nodded, and a weak smile spread across his lips. "Then that's enough."

To their left, rays of light fell on the bubble of darkness. It slowly peeled back to reveal a battered Noble Shield. He looked at his hooves, then up at the light coming in through the windows, then to the two figures near the throne. Stumbling a little, he dragged himself to his hooves and dashed toward the blue princess and the rapidly deteriorating monster.

Onyx watched Noble slowly gallop across the room. His body was as svelte as ever. "Can I give him the sword? I'd like him to have it."

Luna nodded. "If that is your wish. It still follows only your command."

"Then I relinquish the Starlight Blade to Noble Shield."

Though the scene before them still moved slowly, the Starlight Blade transformed instantly in a flash of light. It no longer resembled a black longsword, but instead a rapier made of white gold. Intricate runes decorated the handle and guard, and a large crimson ruby served as the pommel. He couldn't see most of the blade, but he imagined it was just as beautiful as the rest.

Onyx felt pain again.

The monster had burned away to nothing. In its place stood a handsome grey stallion with a rich black mane and a sword in his chest. Ponies rushed at him from either side, one from a throne and one from the doorway. The edges of his vision began fading to white.

Next to him, Luna shuddered. "It is time."

"Kay." Onyx nodded solemnly. "I… I love you, Auntie Luna. May I make a last request?"

"Anything."

"Will…" He turned to her. "Will you hold me? I don't want to be cold."

"Absolutely, my dear nephew."

A sound like a thunderclap rattled in Onyx's head. He suddenly found himself staring at Luna, who rapidly descended from her throne. Searing pain shot through his entire body, and his head throbbed with intense agony. He tried to scream, but the sound caught in his throat. Warm stickiness covered his chest. The rest of his body felt icy cold. His legs buckled, and he collapsed onto the red carpet at the base of the throne's steps.

Luna screamed. "Onyx!" She lie down next to him and wrapped her forelegs around his body.

Her warmth penetrated and dispersed the cold, all the way down to his soul. Onyx tried to say something, but his tongue didn't respond, and all the tasted was copper. He turned his head upwards to see a dazzlingly white unicorn in blood-stained robes standing over him.

"No! Nonononono!" The tip of Noble's horn shone brightly, and with a flick of his head, the Starlight Blade flew across the room and rattled on the floor. Noble's voice was panicked and choked. "C'mon, bro! Nonono, c'mon!" Another flourish of his horn, and a large swath of his robe ripped off, magically tightening around Onyx's middle. "You're okay, you're okay. C'mon!"

Onyx gagged. "I'm suh… I'm suh…"

Luna held him tighter.

Noble ripped more of his robes off with his teeth and rapidly started trying to bandage him. "Don't talk! Don't talk!" His horn flared again, and much of the pain in Onyx's chest melted away. "I've got you, bro." Tears fell from his face and onto Onyx's. "I-I've got you."

"Sorry…" Onyx coughed. "So sorry…"

"Dude, shut up!" Noble pulled back. He scanned all over Onyx's body, and his head began to shake more and more. "No…" Noble collapsed forward and clung tightly to Onyx's neck. "No!"

Onyx could feel nothing below where Noble hugged him. He could no longer taste nor smell nor move. He could only barely hear. But his mouth still obeyed him, if only just. "Suh sorry," he wheezed.

Noble sobbed and clung tighter. He kissed Onyx's cheek and whispered, "It's okay, it's okay. I forgive you. It's okay." His chest heaved, and he stroked Onyx's mane. "Th-that… That feel good?"

"Than… yuh." There was a loud ringing in Onyx's ears. "Love… yuh bro."

"I love you, too, bro." He sniffled, and his voice broke. "I love you, too."

Onyx could not see. He felt like his body was growing and shrinking all at once. "Luh yuh, br..."

The ringing ceased. No dark voice came to replace it. Instead, Onyx could think only of the ponies he loved: his parents, his brother, and his dear auntie. He saw visions of them laughing and crying and living their long happy lives, and in his heart, he felt at peace.

The throbbing in his head stopped, and his chest felt strangely still.

Comments

[Meridian Prime]

Hmm. You did ask for feedback, and as I'd changed this from my "Favourites" bookshelf to my "Tracking" shelf before I saw that, I do feel I owe you an explanation. While I do like this story, I found some of the characterisation and drama later on a little overblown. The fall of the changeling empire stuck out to me as quite over dramatic, but the one that really didn't work for me was Luna. I get that she was supposed to be struggling to control herself, and also that she had a huge amount of love for, and faith in, Onyx - but the two didn't really mesh. Telling the reader that Luna has made herself a cold emotionless machine to prevent herself from falling to the Nightmare, and then immediately showing she loves Onyx so much that she won't stop him from doing exactly what she did kind of broke my suspension of disbelief. Sorry. I still like it, but it didn't quite live up to what I was hoping it would be.

[Vivid Syntax]

5551743
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I've never written anything in this vein before, so hearing your opinion is immensely helpful. No need to apologize for being honest.

Do you have any specific advice for ways to help Onyx and Luna "mesh" better? I'd hoped to convey that Luna feels like she is being greedy and a little indulgent by letting her relationship with Onyx influence her decisions. She is aware that Onyx is a danger, but she also sees him as one of the first little joys she has had in a long time, and she is very hesitant to give that up. After watching Onyx grow and being part of his life, she is beginning to believe that she need not shut herself down emotionally anymore.

Any suggestions to make that idea come through more clearly? Or is it not really worth pursuing? I'd like to refine the story once the judging for the contest has been completed, and it sounds like I've got a good place to start reworking.

[Meridian Prime]

5552740
That is definitely the place to start if you want to rework this. I'd try and let both Luna's emotionlessness and gradual opening up to Onyx clearer - descriptions about her bearing and coldness, or dialogue that feels more cold in the earlier chapters, followed by gradual and hesitant spots of warmth - small, nervous, blink-and-you'll-miss-'em smiles, or just generally more shown emotions. Could be anything from surprise to anger to concern. Of course, the section I most think you should rework is the one that broke suspension of belief for me - Chapter 8. I feel that this section needs to be expanded upon (although not necessarily expanded) to properly convey the conversation between Luna and Onyx.

All of this is of course just my own thoughts on the matter - this is your story, your baby as it were, and you should write it in the way you want to. I just think that the story could be a lot stronger if you just worked on these things. Hope I could help!

[Wireframe]

Two chapters left to go and with the tags to the story I'm dreading quite a bit what might be coming up. The set up so far has been an interesting one. It's strange to experience a character growing up facing such a difficult task as having to subdue part of himself all within an atmosphere of doubt and might I say distrust from most. An interesting contrast is the understandable way others respond to knowing of him, knowing the potential risks, but also feeling that, it's not his fault, so shouldn't he be given a chance?

Regardless the intrigue came from the grey area he treaded, from being able to go both ways. On one part he could give in to his desires for greatness and to be better, on the other hand his love for the friends he does have. It's been since the introduction of the sword however, that I realized it's likely going to end in one of a handful of ways.

The friendship between Onix and Noble was fun to experience, it had it's cute moments, and no matter what difficulties the darker side of Onix, or his need to outdo his friend, might have caused, their friendship remained a comfortable constant. I can also greatly appreciate the angle you chose to pursue by comparing the struggles faced with Luna's own past. It adds greater depth to both characters and helps empathize with Onix to greater extend.

The chosen format, in snippets from Onix's growing up, is a great way to display how both the effects of Onix's needs as well as his friendship develops over time.

Now to actually finish the story...

[Dafaddah]

5552740

I really like this story! I think the early chapters are just perfect, but like 5552819, I feel the the issue with Luna's stated objection to Onyx "becoming nothing" fails flat in the later chapters as she would know better than anypony else what Onyx loses in becoming Sombra. Would she really deny him the same choice she has taken out of love for those around her? After all, those she loves face the same consequences in the Sombra case as if she let NMM return. Also, her love for Onyx would still not prevent her from taking action when he threatened Celestia and Noble. She might shrink at directly attacking him, but it stretches disbelief a bit over much that she would not engage in defensive action to protect those she loves.

The other comment is more of a technical one. The latter chapters are far more rushed than the earlier ones and would benefit from a longer treatment. That happens a lot when writing for a contest, and is something you can easily fix afterwards by extending those chapters.

[Meridian Prime]

5554498
5552740
All excellent points, Daffadah. I hadn't really considered the technical aspect, but he's right about the later chapters being quite rushed - in particular there was a massive jump between Onyx holding himself back and then suddenly becoming Sombra 2.0 between Chapters 8-10.

[Vivid Syntax]

Thanks for the feedback, 5554498 ! I’m glad you liked it overall, despite its shortcomings.

I agree. Giving the second half more breathing room would be a huge boon. Like you alluded to, though, the amount of time I had to spend on the contest and (especially) the word limit hindered some of the flow of the later chapters. To 5555692 ‘s point, I attempted to show that Onyx’s actions in “Temptation” came from a desire to protect Noble and the guard from the Changelings – one of his great fears is that he wouldn’t be good enough to keep them safe. Sounds like that aspect could use some work, too. Do you have any advice on smoothing that part out?

In addition to having her own reasons not to shut him down, I tried to write Luna as a representation of absolute faith in Onyx, something he could cling to when his belief in himself was failing. The “Auntie always knows when you’re lying” line was meant as a concession to the fact that she hadn’t intervened during the attack (as well as an indication that Onyx had not been completely overtaken), but I can understand if it all feels too hand-wavy. I’ll work on it. Thanks for the great notes! If you have any more, I'm all ears.

[Dafaddah]

5556246

Sounds like that aspect could use some work, too. Do you have any advice on smoothing that part out?

As 5555692 commented, the change in motivation is too fast and mostly told rather than shown. What would really help here is a series of five scenes:
1) Onyx having an internal conversation with Sombra where Sombra berates him for foolishly putting his forces at risk for the benefit of another. Sombra could fixate on the terrible death that awaits many of them, and how easily he could take matters in hoof without anypony else being put at risk. He could also outright lie to Onyx and say that he will "give Onyx the knowledge" with no strings attached. Still Onyx resists.
2) Onyx discusses exactly this with Noble - only Noble admits to being terrified of the prospect and asking for Onyx's advice. Onyx tells him about his own feelings and Sombra's proposal. Noble begs him to refuse Sombra's gift, and that nothing would come of it.
3) Onyx walks about the camp meeting ponies in his guard and Noble's. Their foal-like enthusiasm ends up weighing heavily on him. He meets up with one of Noble's lieutenants, a mare to which he has become very attached. She talks about plans for after the campaign, and we find out that he has secretly proposed to her.
4) Back with Noble, they discover exactly how overwhelming the Changeling forces are and how close to starting the invasion. They also find out that they are already surrounded and cannot get any word out to Canterlot. Noble responds by becoming resigned to his fate and declaring that they must fight a delaying action while some ponies attempt to break out of the encirclement and give word to Canterlot. Onyx and Noble each select 1 lieutenant to attempt the breakout. Onyx's fiancé is not chosen.
5) Last meeting between Onyx and his fiancé. His dialogue shows him telling her that all hope is not lost, and that he has a plan. The scene closes with an internal dialogue between Onyx and Sombra. Sombra congratulates him for coming to his senses, and then tells Onyx the spell that will give him the power he needs "to do what must be done."

As to the Luna case, that a tougher nut to crack. Motivation to attack Canterlot: Onyx's fiancé attempted to escape the encircled camp when she realized what Onyx had done. She ends up being killed trying to get to Onyx to stop him - with who killed her being ambiguous. Onyx first blames himself, and then Sombra talks him into shifting the blame to Celestia. To make the particiapnts in the last scene more credible, you might have Celestia and her forces retreating to the Crystal Empire and Luna refusing to leave Canterlot. Then you have the battle with Noble, and finally Luna intervening to protect Noble, but refusing to strike. Sombra finds this hilarious and reminds Onyx that Luna is all that stands between him and conquest of Canterlot, and that Luna cannot be allowed to live as she would have both a legitimate claim to the throne and the raw power to try to take it. Big internal battle, with Luna taking several injuries in the process. Onyx realizes it's just a matter of time before she succumbs, and then at that point chooses suicide. The rest unfurls as you have it in the story.

Of course these are all just suggestions. You are the author and this all has to be true to your vision of the characters and your intent with this scenario. Please take with a truckload of salt!

[Meridian Prime]

5556246
What 5556415 has said is again excellent advice. The only thing I will add to his point, is that you have greatly underutilised Sombra. He's supposed to be a malevolent forces inside Onyx's head, and yet we hear very little from him. Perhaps a few scenes (as Daffadah suggested) involving internal conflicts with him could strengthen the narrative.

[Vivid Syntax]

5556415
5556439

Excellent advice indeed (plus I can use that truckload of salt on the roads around here ).

I really like your suggestions about adding more scenes of Onyx's internal conflict. I conceived of Sombra as more of a lingering malevolence that manifests itself as a parasite or psychosis rather than a character unto himself, but I'm not opposed to playing around with fleshing him out more. I am, however, a little hesitant to give Onyx a fiance. I really want to play up the importance of Onyx's relationships with Luna and Noble, and I feel like the dying fiance subplot would dominate all of Onyx's desires and motivations. Great idea, but I don't think this is the story for it. Still, it's a good thing to mull over.

This is definitely the most (and harshest) criticism I've ever received on my fanfics, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I hope you'll both give this story another look once the changes have been made. Thanks again so much for all your help.

(Of course, if you'd like to give more suggestions in the meantime, I would never, ever stop you. )

[Dafaddah]

5558525

Giving critical advice is often a double edge sword. But when folks respond to it with class and wit it creates one of those moments that makes you glad to be part of such a community!

Please let me know when you do your edits so I can have another go at reading it.

And all criticism aside, I really did enjoy this story, even the first time!

[Vivid Syntax]

5558601

Glad to hear it. Thanks again, Dafaddah. You're awesome.

[Wireframe]

Where the fragments worked well in the chapters leading up to sire, the start of that chapter itself felt disorienting for lack of a better term. Though the previous chapter had hinted at the course of action that would most likely be taken, it felt like a lot of important events had been skipped, or that a chapter had been missed (something I actually checked for just to be sure).
I'm no author by any means thus can't say what could be done. Perhaps displaying the fight in progress from it's start or possibly even slightly before that. Right now Onix makes his claims to Luna, only to have those waylaid, with the reader knowing only part of half of what said claims might refer to, which causes that same break from immersion in wondering how major events like that could have escaped notice in the story earlier.

The transition between sire and return was confusing as well, but felt more immersive and fitting. It makes sense within the context, and piecing together what must have happened in the end, and the struggle that's persisted throughout the story coming to a sad but redeeming conclusion, were touches I quite enjoyed.

[Vivid Syntax]

5561356
Great stuff to keep in mind. 'Sire' definitely needs to be much longer, I think. Having Onyx narrate events that happened 'off-screen' certainly isn't ideal, and your suggestion is a good one - it would allow us to see more of Onyx's internal struggle and give the reader enough information to not break the flow. As much as I love using these snapshots of a character's life to put together their whole story, I can see why it can be difficult to string together the entire narrative.

While I highly doubt I'll do well in the contest, I feel like I've learned a ton from you and the other commenters about character consistency and the importance of sizing - the story I wanted to tell was much, much too large to fit into 15,000 words or the short amount of time I had. Next time, I'll scale it back a bit.

Thanks for reading and for your input. Even though you say you are "no author," your opinion is still super important to me, Wireframe, especially since you took the time to write out what you thought didn't work very well. In the end, I'm glad you found pieces of it to enjoy. Hopefully I can redeem my story by making some major changes to it.

[PresentPerfect]

Nicely done. :)

[Vivid Syntax]

5794405
Hi, Present Perfect! I'm glad you liked it! And I'm sorry the edits aren't complete yet.

Can I ask how you stumbled upon this one?

[PresentPerfect]

5794983
MMDGC, you should expect it. :B

[Vivid Syntax]

6074819
Glad you liked it. This is probably my favorite chapter.

[Vivid Syntax]

8098391
Thanks for giving it a read. I'm hoping to remake it someday, but, well, that ship may have sailed.