Common Dis-Core[d] (Equestria's Common Core Chaos)

by Arkybrony

1+1=3

Author's Note:

This was just gonna be a one-shot story mocking Common Core, but I couldn't think of any way to end it, so it gets really dark near the end. Ye be warned.

"Alright, my little ponies," Cheerilee said in the least cheerful way possible as she began the school day, "the Government has gone insane and I am now legally obliged to teach you things completely different from what you have already learned. So from this point on, forget absolutely everything I have ever taught you as I go back to the legally imposed beginning."

Apple Bloom raised her hoof.

"Yes, Applebloom?"

"Why did this happen?"

"I have no idea...."

---

How It Happened

The Generic Ball of Some Sort of Moral Value had just ended. Our heroes, The Mane 6, plus their friend Discord were about to leave for Ponyville.

"It's great that you could show up to this month's monthly celebration of whatever it was," Celestia said, "if you'll excuse me, I have to catch up on some work."

Celestia grabbed her coffee and went to her office.

"Bye!"

"Bye!" Our Heroes replied.

"Well," Twilight Sparkle said, "we should get going. Don't wanna miss the train."

"I'll be right back," Discord said, "I need to use the bathroom. I'll meet you there."

"Ok."

Little did they know, Discord peed just 5 minutes ago, and this was no bathroom break. He was going to go prank Celestia.

Using his magic, he snuck into Celestia's office and invisibly spiked Celestia's coffee. He then left and returned to the Mane 6.

"Alright, let's go!"

The Elements of Harmony and the manifestation of Discord itself boarded the train together, which, logically, would cause some sort of apocalyptic paradox vortex, but it didn't.

Meanwhile, Celestia looked over her papers and downed her "coffee". About an hour later, she was drunk, but still at work.

"Make kids do stupid stuff in school!" she said as she read over a bill regarding Equestria's version of Common Core, "BRILLIANT!!" She then signed it into law.

---

The present, at the Ponyville schoolhouse

"Now," Cheerilee said, "according to the Government, if you take 1, then add 1 to it, then take .5 from one of the 1's, and .5 from the other 1, you get 3. Therefore, 1+1 CAN equal 3."

"So," Scootaloo replied, "1+1=3, Luna was never actually banished to the moon, cutie marks are actually bad because they're caused by global warming, and the brain is a vestigial organ?"

"According to the Government, yes. And apparently the north and south poles are cold because of global warming. I know, it makes absolutely no sense. Now I'm sorry I have to say this, but you all have a ridiculously long test tomorrow following these new teaching standards that counts for 70% of your grade for all your courses. I know you've only known this stuff for one day, but it's due tomorrow. You do get study guides though."

Cheerliee passed out the study guides.

"Class is dismissed. But seriously, study, study, study, study! I took the test myself without studying and failed, so study."

The rest of that day, the streets, once thronged with children, were silent. All the kids were off studying. For the first hour it was studying. Then you could hear some sobbing the next hour, which eventually became screaming. Before you knew it, Ponyville became a living nightmare. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth. Buildings were ablaze, looting happened all around, and the pegasi scrambled to get clouds to the city to rain upon the fire.

"WHAT IN EQUESTRIA IS A POLYNOMIAL!?!?!?!?!? AND WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FACTOR IT!?!?!!?!?!?" Sweetie Belle screamed as she tried to study. This studying that all the children had to do was driving them all mad, which caused some kids to go nuts and set buildings on fire, starting a chain reaction of looting and other buildings bursting into flame.

But it wasn't just in Ponyville, since Celestia's drunkenness made her sign this into law, these standards went across all of Equestria, which caused widespread insanity.

By nighttime, it was even worse. Pegasi and fireponies couldn't put out all the flames since they were in almost every city and spread wildly through the country. Celestia could only watch from her haven of Canterlot, one of the only two cities in Equestria that were safe from the apocalyptic fires. A royal secretary guy sat along with Celestia and Luna in the throne room, reporting data.

"Death toll?" Celestia asked.

"Not entirely sure yet. Estimated about 40,000 from the fires alone, but we're starting to get more and more suicide reports. We've got about 2,000 suicides so far."

Celestia nodded solemnly, then proceeded to get a gun.

"Celestia don't!" Luna screamed. But it was too late. Celestia shot herself. After seeing what had happened to her dear sister, Luna decided to do the same. The secretary and guards stood shocked at this, and since they were in charge of protecting the princesses, they knew that their failure would get them the death penalty, so they killed themselves too.

Meanwhile in Ponyville, the pegasi had run out of clouds and the fireponies had used up all their water. The weather factory in Cloudsdale couldn't produce enough rain to put out the fires in all the cities, so pretty much every city was doomed.

Upon seeing that the weather and fire ponies had stopped, citizens knew there was no hope and began to commit suicide. With more and more fire deaths and suicides, there was nopony to stop the fire, so pretty much everypony gave up and accepted their certain doom.

Cheerilee sharpened a pencil and somehow managed to stab herself with it.

Rarity hanged herself with some fabric.

Octavia just walked straight into the fire.

Lyra walked into a collapsing building.

Many pegasi tried to flee to Cloudsdale, but the Cloudsdale police sealed it off to non-citizens, which caused them to either try and flee to Canterlot or just jump off of the city and not catch themselves. Still, many pegasi who weren't Cloudsdale citizens managed to sneak in. Because of the weight, the city fell out of the sky, killing everypony in it that didn't fly away before hitting the ground.

Because of the mass exodus from other cities into Canterlot, it too exceeded its weight capacity, causing an avalanche which killed everypony there.

With no place to flee and no way of stopping the fire, 98% of the remaining population committed suicide. The other 2% died from the fire.

And so, because of Equestria's version of Common Core, everypony, that includes Rarity, Applejack, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Derpy, and the CMC died in a horrible, painful, bloody death.

Comments

[Flapjaw]

This was ludicrously brutal and stupidly funny.

[The1templar]

5530525 indeed.

[wolfdreamer]

Well I find this story hard to believe. Celestia, drinking coffee. Pul-ease!

[Arkybrony]

5530525 Yeah I honestly had no idea where I was going with this one, so it ended up the way it did. I have to say it's not one of my best works.
5530689 Heh. She had to have SOMETHING to be spiked.

[The Descendant]

I'd like to sit down and look this over, but since I had to retrain myself how to teach my students using Common Core I don't know how to read anymore.

[wolfdreamer]

5532437
That's what I was thinking. So you too agree that this story is sooo unbelievable.

[soarin53]

just like the common core in our world