- Member Since 19th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Nov 8th, 2018
Shrike
If you have hands and a word processor, you can write, and should.
Shrike
Joined 19th Jan, 2015 ·
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why was this downvoted? This is a great story
Going to have to agree, this story is a good read and deserves a higher vote.
Nice... detective stories are so rare it is good to see a new one!
This is awesome!
Liked and tracking. There's a noir vibe to it that Hammett and Chandler would've liked.
After rereading this I do have a single small complaint:
Rainbow Dash's name is Rainbow Dash. Not Dashie. Dashie is a nickname (specifically by Pinkie?), and Anon doesn't know Rainbow well enough to just start calling her Dashie. Rainbow is her first name and she has no problem being called that (some stories do, mostly because they think Rainbow is an odd name to use so they focus on calling her Dash, but in the canon ponies call her Rainbow all the time), or Dash, or her full name.
Anon calling her Dashie I might understand (though I think it'd be rude), but my complaint is when Dashie is used in the narration (and not just dialogue) it's like calling Twilight just Twi in the narration, or Applejack AJ, or Rarity Rares, etc.
I understand you did the same with Mad Star -> Maddie, but Anon has a relationship with Mad Star, and by his own admittance he doesn't interact with Rainbow Dash much at all.
5535175 For convenience's sake, I referred to characters by shorthand (i.e. typing Rainbow Dash as opposed to Dashie is a pain). But I get you. Consider the inconsistent naming conventions revised by next chapter.
This story seems to be a great noir chapter.
I love this chapter. Twilight really shows herself to have matured as a Princess given her conversation with Anon and the Grey Arbitress appears to be an excellent antagonist. I hope the next chapter comes soon.
5577369 It'll be out around the 10th, I imagine. Perhaps sooner since I'm making good progress.
I'm not sure how I feel about the Grey Arbitress revealing herself so soon, at least directly. The formless (yet active) nature of them both would have been interesting to preserve for a little while more I think, but it seems that Spyglass and Shell have taken up the role as secondary antagonists in the sense they are the ones trying to piece together Anon as he tries to stay ahead of them.
She certainly holds all the cards at this point though, and there was everything left unsaid about her purpose or affiliation (I'm assuming she lied about most of what she did say, or at least lied by omission). The story is fascinating to follow, here is hoping that you get more readers since this is a really good work.
5593946 Perhaps the villain reveal was a little premature. That said, if Grey Arbitress and Anon kept up a kinda cold war type interaction, then I'd be writing about both Anon and GA trying to gain the upper hand while piecing each other together, while Shell and Spyglass try to track Anon, while Anon tries to evade them as well.
I grant you, that sounds like the sickest thing, but I just lack the skill to make a good story with all those elements. Maybe I should have tried, but it sounds too much like my personal recipe for disaster.
I can only apologise.
Wow, this chapter was nice. The interaction between Anon and Twilight is interesting. Got to say that I didn't expected Twilight to dislike Anon so much. Anyway, it's nice that Anon is forming a team to combat the Grey Arbiter. Hope the next chapter comes soon.
Wow, this chapter was intense. Odds are Twilight is not going to be happy with Anon on the next chapter. Also, damn. Twilight is way tougher and vindictive on this story than on the canon. Quick question, is the Twilight from this story different than the canon version? Expanding on that, has Twilight toughened up due to her time as a Princess, which made her have less patience for guys like Shell or Anon, or is this version of Twilight more pragmatic than the one in the show?
5681662 There's two halves to the reason that I write Twilight like I do:
One. The timeframe for this story is set some months (half a year perhaps) following the events of season 5. Now that she has a castle and a kingdom, I try to incorporate personality traits that might set in after a few months of trying to adapt to her new lifestyle e.g. stress, general lack of enthusiasm, indifference and the 'takes no shit' attitude. My answer to you is: I guess not, but I envision her personality developing this way as within the realm of possibility.
The second half is to do with her increasing exposure to Anon. I think his personality is rubbing off on Twilight, who is already in the process of 'burning-out' as a princess. This is why she says what she means, and means what she says, making no apology along the way. I suppose it also goes a long way to explaining her pragmatism and desensitisation to violence.
I'd like to mention I really enjoyed the first 80% of this chapter. Not that I didn't enjoy the last part, but it was so intense it overshadowed what came before. I'm always a sucker for slice of life elements when they are properly inserted. The dialogue was well done and some of the best parts, as well as all of Anon's observations. You really gave life to the scenes and breathed life into the world, instead of it feeling like a stage.
Talking with Applejack is always a dicey situation when you have something to hide. Have to choose your words carefully among other things.
The last 20% of the chapter was very intense. I was honestly expecting Anon to be able to do something, but I guess as he said an Earth Pony's greatest asset is the other races don't take them seriously. Not good when the spotlight is on you. Really it's probably a sign that he should (if he could) retire, as he's worn out his anonymity as an Earth Pony, losing the advantages while still carrying around all the disadvantages.
Am I the only one who picked up that Anon basically said things in front of the Apple family that make no sense from their perspective? Talking about a third party monster when they know (and he basically admitted to) being the only one there previously. Questions will be asked.
Shame about Shell, I was warming up to him as a character and his life is basically over now. There was no way what good could have come from the interrogation could match the fact that he tortured an Element of Harmony, possibly risking the safety of the nation.
5682223
This is probably an awful thing to admit, but not even I'm happy with the way I wrote the last section. Reading it again, it sounds clunky, repetitive and, worst of all, cliched. If I find time, I might rewrite it in a more luxurious form.
The following is a spoiler for the coming chapter(s):
The saga of Shell and Spyglass is not yet at an end, so don't despair.
I found the chapter interesting, especially Shell's backstory.
This story is very interesting, I will be on the lookout for more chapters.
This chapter was great. The interaction between Anon and the Arbitress was interesting and I loved the way Big Mac confronted Anon about his secrecy and the way they made up. It was a great chapter.
It's been awhile, hasn't it?
I can't get over how weird Anon and the Arbitress are. They always have been, but it's most pronounced here. It's an odd relationship that I've rarely seen between a protagonist and an antagonist. I think the one that comes to mind most easily is Kreia and The Exile from KotOR 2. Though Ravel Puzzlewell and The Nameless One from Planescape Torment is another one that comes to mind. Yet this is different in that they are really mirrors to each other, even if one of them is at a disadvantage, the other can't let go despite knowing it will be a bad idea long term. Or perhaps not caring once her mission is complete.
As always I can't really see where all the plots unfold, just that I'm enthralled by your pony world. It's a decent enough Noir that I can easily imagine reading it as an actual book, but it always keeps the elements of ponies in the foreground at all times, even if it paints a much darker picture than we are used to.
I see you saved The Talk for next chapter though.
so, is there any hope of seeing an other chapter?
I hope you will come back with this story I really liked it
RIP fantastic story.