Slice141
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This is one-shot or there gonna be more chapters?
minus the need for more punctuation and i needing to be slowed down, i really really like this!
also, here's hoping for a potential twidash!
Ok, a few things. First and most importantly, SLOW THE HECK DOWN! It's like every couple of lines their at either a whole new location or a different time zone entirely.
Next thing, what was the point in having Twilight and Spines trick Rainbow and the others that they didn't speak the same language as them, only for them to practically shout it to the world as they leave the train? If you want to keep the fact you CAN speak the same language as someone hidden, then have them do it for a reason.
Ok, we see that she hears Celestia on the other side, but it doesn't mention who else might be there, so she just suddenly explodes because she psychically knows her brother is in there too? She didn't hear his voice on the other side, or Celestia mention his name as if talking to him? I.E. Asking him a question?
collums = columns
Then there's completely skipping the fight scene with Twilight and Chrysalis, I mean that in itself could have made up half a chapter with detail and dialogue alone. If your going to depict Twilight as a bad ass you need to do more than just provide sudden and instant shows of her strength and power for pretty much no reason. Getting pissed off cause her brother didn't want her there and nearly crushing a column under sheer muscle strength? I can understand the mood of the situation, but it lasts all of what, 2 seconds?
There's no time to have any kind of reaction for any of this. If this is gonna be an action fic, then you need to show that in your writing. Provide detailed fight scenes, location, collateral damage, the whole 9 yards.
Other than that, I really believe you have something good here, you just need to slow it down, take your time and stretch scenes out. You don't need to have an entire week go by in a single chapter.
I'll give you a like for the effort you put in, but I can't give it a fav just yet, I'll bookmark it though, and keep an eye on it.
But good luck with the rest of the story! Sorry if anything I said was too harsh or offended you
3664044
Agreed wholeheartedly lol
I like the idea. My issue with this story however is that it is moving too fast for its own good.
Will track for now...lets see where this goes.
3664231 no thanks actually I'm actually going to go back and put the fight in among others things. Oh and as for them screaming out in equestrian that was my bad it was suppose to be in parentheses
3664019 more chapters!
*Reads the short summary*
Okay. I will admit, that sounds f
ing awesome.
3665259 and you have it
3665600
thanks but I know I need to gover the other chaps before posting them
3664980
MUCH BETTER
There are still a few things that could use fixing, but they're small and far between. Well done with the fight scene as well, that's what I was hoping for!
You just earned yourself a fav and tracking
Good chapter. How will Cadence react when she find's out Shining Armor has a sister and how he has treated her.
This was a nice read, besides the small errors and a few confusing parts on who was speaking. Hope to see more chapters posted soon! :D
I like the idea, but it seems rather rushed, and could be done a bit more. It needs more build up, and the first chapter needs to be spread out a bit more, over two or three chapters, to give it more room for development and growth. There needs to be more build up to Twi's rage, more backstory, and more fight scene. It is a good try, but needs to be done better, sorry
3668008 what guy said
This chapter is rushed. You could have the first chapter spread out more if your able to put more detail into it. You have four chapters in this one chapter.
Just gonna put it out there; you will need an editor for your spelling and sentence structure/context of the story layout.
Despite that, this story is intriguing and I look forward to seeing you improve and write a lot more.
3670579
Rushed and filled with terrible sentence structure and grammar. I recommend an editor.
3671504 True
Love the concept but you need to structure better, wording seems a tad off, finally it was too rushed, I would get an editor and maybe break this story into two or three chapters. Apart from that I think that this is an amazing Idea.
A few spelling errors, but nothing I couldn;'t figure out. THe damndest part was figuring out if these were Humanized ponies or not. You mention things like "clenched fists" and such but then you use equine terms like "mane" and "coat".
good story cant wait to see where you go with this
What if I read the description and decided not to read this?
3674573 is that a serious question?
3673157 anthropology so I'm still gonna say manes and tails but they have hands and feet not hooves in this one
Next time Twilight meats the legendary warrior Red Hair. (Lubu as a pony)
3677048
never heard of them
Twilight went super sayian but aside from that not bad keep it up
i love this story! the dialogue could still use some work, but other than that i think it's fine.
3681317 thanks! Trying to work on that, I just need to find a bad guy to put in the story
3681367 how about someone-maybe a past love or something along those lines-that reappears after so many year? it'd be even better if it was a girl, so that way we have a reason she stays away from dating girls. i put that in there, specifically because i'm hoping for a polygamous (multiple partner) relationship between her, Dash, and AJ.
or, it could be an organization she pissed off at some point. that way, instead of just a singular bad guy, you have an unknown number of people gunning for her life.
Good Chapter, but you really need to get this edited.
3681556 yea I know I got one yesterday, gonna be redoing the chaps soon so look out for them
3681574
I trust that you will. I trust all my Brothers-In-Arms.
3681582 thank you. What branch?
3681589
Army. You?
3681592 same, active?
3681606
Eeyup, but currently on leave for the holiday.
3681612 sweet where you stationed? And what's your MOS?
3681619
Humberg, Germany. I'm a 25U (Signal Support System Specialist) Pretty much I work with radios.
3681624 oh that's fun I'm 11c( indirect fire infantry) I'm a mortar man, gunner actually. I'm stationed at Lewis in Washington state. Your lucky dude last I went to Germany for was after I was hit with a IED or going on deployment.
3681624 oh and be ready for the pages I'm gonna send you so you can edit them
3677399
i692.photobucket.com/albums/vv285/WhiteTigerDW/Dynasty%20Warriors%206%20Empires/Others/l14.jpg that's Lubu with his horse Red hair, videogamesindonesia.com/UserFiles/Image/z/2013/08Aug/22/dw8-lubu.jpg him on horse back with his pike the sky scorcher th07.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/f/2010/066/4/c/Lu_Bu_by_AmericanSamurai.jpg And the perfect poster of him for the second time you see him in dynasty warriors the Frist is "did he just one shot me at full health?"
"Lubu who killed a thousand men in a single blow, Red Hair that can run a thousand lineages in a single day. Combine them you get the barest bad flank anthro pony ever!
3682467 COOL!
3682535 yeah he is but buck is he scary I mean 3rd level of Dynasty warriors 3 Frist time playing a rush in at on the lowest difficulty mind you and the Frist time I see him he comes riding at me tacks one swing and I see my whole full health bar flash and then game over after I fly backwards 100ft+ from his Frist attack and in the latest game DW8 he's even stronger. He's the only non-boss enemy that can give you night mares. I mean you acutely spend levels at the start of game running from him till your max level then you can fight him evenly on normal... it's never fare in nightmare mode or extreme mode.
Why is the Twizerker so compelling?
It is rare, but good!
hmm, great chapter. so is the whole herd thing a no go? it's fine if it is, i've just always been a huge fan of the appledashlight shipping. i'm even in a group dedicated to it. also (and i'm not trying to be rude or anything) but i would seriously suggest trying to find an editor. either that, or work on those run on sentences. they really mess up the flow of the story.