Living on the road together for roughly five years, two bounty hunter companions, a crazed gun mare biker earth pony and a hygiene obsessed research savvy unicorn stallion, have lived a pretty exciting life. But when the pay they receive from bounties starts to decrease; they decide to settle down in the nearest town, Ponyville, for another more reliable source of income. Will the criminal bagging duo be able to adjust to a relatively tame life style without being driven out by the locals? The answer, sort of...
Chapters (5)
Alright, here it is. My first fic. Constructive criticism is more than welcome. Sorry about the lack of cover art, I'll have some soon, I promise!
I think the format is okay.
The story could be a bit more interesting...
Pretty good
536018Thanks! I hope the upcoming chapters will be "interesting" enough for you.
i124.photobucket.com/albums/p9/SheckyX/funny-pictures-history-fascinating-please-continue.jpg
547626Thanks! Very glad you like it!
Bravo encore!
And in other news since I can't find the right pic: Please continue 
661245Hey, glad you like it! Right now, I'm doing a bit of editing to see if I can't get this published on Equestria Daily. But I have pleny of ideas for more chapters, so once that's taken care of, I'll be sure to release some new content.
665612 Awesome! And good luck with EQD sometimes they let gems like this slide because of grammer! The fiends!
665711Funny, you should say that, the email I got back from the pre-readers said my story needed a bit more attention on the grammer, particularly in the area of dialog attribution. Other than that, I'm pretty sure it meets EQD standards.
665971 Really?
I thought everything was perfect. But then again my brain tends to omit grammer mistakes and just reads the story.
The speech was a tad boring, but it did serve its purpose of introducing us to the characters. It just seems a bit long-winded. Saying that though the characters themselves are quite interesting. It's just the speech doesn't serve to advance the plot and isn't broken up by action.
You have a tendency to forget to punctuate sentences in speech. "we’re spending”, " the same town” and "always wanted one" all need either a comma or full stop.
By "fowl" were you making a pun? If not it's foul.
You seem to be a big fan of commas. Whilst they undoubtedly have their uses, as a general rule I'd stick to three commas a sentence unless it's a list. "Hey, by the time you get back, I’ll have more friends than the only pony who makes ice cream in a desert for a hundred miles, except in his case, most of them aren’t really his friends and just want ice cream."
This is a good line, but a bit of action could break it up, and make it more interesting:
"Hey, Cornerlius! 'By the time you get back, I'll have more friends than an ice-cream pony in the middle of the desert." Ash said confidently as she turned to leave. She took one step then suddenly stopped and added, "Except in my case they'll actually be friends, and not just in it for the ice cream."' No? You don't need to actually use this. This is just an example of how you could break up the speech a little.
Still, these characters sound interesting. It'll be cool to see how the other occupants of Ponyville react to them. Next chapter! Away!
Ummm. Hmm. First I've gotta say that Cornelius is a bit too human for a pony. Ash skirts the line, but Cornelius is way past it. Also the way that Ash is such a perfect shot makes her a bit OP.
You've got a few cases where you're making a new paragraph where one isn't really necessary. There's nothing wrong with pairing an action with speech as long as they're from the same character. “Thanks partner,” said the orange mare, “We grow the best apples in Ponyville, and possibly in all of Equestria.”
She went on, “I don’t think I’ve seen your face around these parts, you passing through?”
I noticed you got a few more cases of this: “Nice to meetcha partner”
I'm a bit... confused at the ending. The Mane Six are acting more than a little OOC. I mean: "Yes, that sort of thing happens all the time in Ponyville,"... People shoot Pinkie Pie all the time? I don't know what to think here. It was an interesting idea, but I don't think it quite worked.
The rest of the chapter was pretty good, although "we both like to call him ‘Dr. Feelgood." Who's both? Is Ash suffering from multiple personality disorder? Still the feelgood line made me laugh. There's good stuff in here with interesting characters, but some of the scenarios were a bit off.
"H e recalled that one time in the Manhattan hotel with the milk in the lobby. But she didn’t need any of that now.
“But they will still hate my guts. Everypony" - This is actually two formatting issues. H e should obviously be he, while you need to put another line between the two to keep consistent.
"mealm,"
"Murmuring a curse as she picked up to examine and throw out the window, not necessarily, no, definitely not in that order, whatever object decided to cause her pain." I don't actually understand what's happening here. Is she stopping herself from throwing it out of the window? It took me three reads to get that, if it's true. Just needs a little simplifying.
Now I know that you've probably noticed that I'm not particularly great with commas, but I noticed a few of yours aren't quite right. There's quite a few rules to know. Take a look at this: http://www.informatics.sussex.ac.uk/department/docs/punctuation/node09.html Here's a summary of where to use commas:
1. Can the comma be replaced by and or or?
2. Is it followed by one of the connecting words and, or, but, yet or while?
3. Does it represent the absence of repetition?
4. Does it form one of a pair of commas setting off an interruption which could be removed from the sentence?
I hope you get this thing fixed up, and get accepted onto EQD. They haven't accepted any of my fics, but I mostly write crossovers which they don't like anyway. This is a good story so far. I'm digging the characters.
736382 Ok, my friend just got back to me with his peer editing change log for the first chapter and I have, well, edited acordingly. I'm sure its much better now! Thanks for your constructive criticism Cainiam, I really do appriciate it! As for some of the parts you didn't quite get, When ash said, "we both like to call him Dr. Feelgood" She is refering to herself and Cornelius when they were travaling together and it would mostly be just the two of them. And when twilight said "Yes, that sort of thing happens all the time in Ponyville," She was generally refering to the occasional unexpected event that tends to happen in ponyville like the flash parrasprite infestation, or ursa minor attack ect... I know these first chapters seem a bit more focused on Ash, making Cornelius seem a bit dull or neglected. But don't worry, he will get some spotlight time soon!
Sorry again for the wait guys. It's like I said before the story, I was hoping to wait untill my editor had finnished the other chapters so I could try to submit to EQD again. I'm not sure if my writing quality has declined or not, so I'd really apriciate it if you left a comment on what you thought of it!
"Cornelius put on a smile and chuckled a bi."
Is "bi" post to be "Bit"?
Loving the story by the way!
Yes! Another amazing chapter with comedy action and that hilarious dance dream/memory! Keep up the good work! The only mistake I saw was when Ash said 'were' instead of 'we're'.
994290>>994309Thanks for the catch guys, I'll be sure to fix it. Glad your enjoying it!
This is quite fun read, something different as well!
994417Good to hear, thanks!
Update? :D
1885303Ha Ha Ha! I wasn't sure if people still cared about my story anymore. This story is still on my mind, rest assured, I've just been really lazy about finishing the next chapter. I hope I can get off my lazy flank and finish it soon. Thanks for the push pal!
1887315 Heh ^^ no problem althought I think the main character of this fic should end up together like offically- Cornelius and Ash; after all they have been through alot together XD
1887482Ash and Cornelius are an official couple, more or less. They're just very very casual about it. Anyways, I finished the next chapter a few days ago and it should be up soon. I just have to wait for my proof reader to get back to me.
1929108Ha ha, not dead yet. It's nice to know that at least a small few people look forward to my story.
I smiled when I saw this update.
This is one of my favorite fics just because I have yet to see anything like it done, it's hilarious and the characters are very interesting. I am glad it's back!
1929416Thanks, I'm very glad you like it.
I'm very happy that I gave you a push unknowingly haha. I can't wait til I see chapter five popping in sometimes soon!
I just gave this a another read, reminds me why I love this fanfic lol.
Psst. update anytime soon?
2487662
I'd have to check with my proof reader. Sorry, I know things have been slow and how much you've been waiting.
2490486 Aww all right, I shalt wait more!
Update? o: