Twilight's Canterlot high friends have invited her over for Christmas. Christmas is nothing like hearths warming eve though, and she is finding the concept of Santa a bit confusing.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 29th Oct, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 25th, 2023
Wonder
Sometimes I like to just sit down and do nothing. Alright fine, all the time.
Wonder
Joined 29th Oct, 2014 ·
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jewelry no doubt
5376114
hehe, nowhere near close.
I'm guessing it was a rd figurine (pony form, of course
)
5376430
Good idea but... No. Haha
Santa is Discord! OMG! Discord is the Easter Bunny, Cupid and Jack-Pumpkin too!
That. Was. Genius.
5376496
?
what is it
feel the wrath of bunny rabbits
It's a dildo isn't it?
Also:
Mind=blown
This makes waaaaaay too much sense.
5377581
Muahahaha. no one is going to guess it. (Remember, it was a small box.)
5378446
Nope. Not a dil-... one of those.
5379141 a ring
5384308
That may be in one of my future stories... But no. Not a ring.
On top of really bad grammar, you rushed through the story. It moved quite quickly, and I didn't really have any time to enjoy the story. The poor grammar certainly didn't help matters.
I say it's a lump of coal/
5387356
Well, I have limited time. It's pretty unfair to expect me to point out all of your errors when they are quite numerous.
For the sake of example, though, I'll point out a couple things while randomly stopping as I scroll through the story.
- 'tight' is an adjective and is trying to modify 'held.' Adjective cannot modify verbs. You want an adverb: 'tightly'
- Direct addresses are always separated by commas from the rest of the sentence, so 'Pinkie' should have a comma before and after it
- On top of that, you need a comma before 'but' for the compound sentence. So even if there was no direct address, you'd still be missing a comma
- What in the world is that apostrophe?
- What in the world is that colon?
- First off, other people come before first-person pronouns, so that should read 'Pinkie and me.' Secondly, that phrase serves as the subject of the verb 'could pull,' so it should be 'Pinkie and I'
- The story is in past tense, not present: *walked
Grammar is there for a reason. It helps the words flow into each other much better, allowing for a more immersive reading experience. When your grammar is this messy throughout the story, I have to work overtime to mentally correct all these mistakes so that the words flow properly. As a result, the reading experience just isn't there.
I'd strongly recommend finding yourself a good editor and cleaning this story up.
5387818
Thank you for pointing them out.
I'll go back and fix those mistakes up. I prefer to know where my errors are which is why I ask for the location o these.FIXED THEM!!!Luv ya.
5387607
Sorry, but not a lump of coal. (Hint:It's something more personal.)
Ok. This. Is. Funny! Please do a New Year's Eve! I'll bet Twi would wonder why us humans would care so much about the new year. And just to be clear... Our Santa was the human Discord? AWESOME!!!!!!!! Now, I can leave a note for him... Even though I'm 15!
Dear Santa:
I read online that you are the human version of the draconequus Discord. If you are, leave a rock on my desk tonight. If you don't wake me, I'll know that you are the real Discord, and I will go C-R-A-Z-Y! Thanks!
Love,
Shanna Learned, Your Biggest Fan of Your Chaos!
So the human version of Discord, who used to be evil (or at least morally challenged), is the one in charge of the Naughty and Nice lists....
That actually works for me. Chaos, whaddaya gonna do?