- Member Since 10th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Shazam 25
I'm a guy who loves Video Games and is a Brony. I get different ideas for the mane six and mostly into game crossovers.
Shazam 25
Joined 10th Dec, 2013 ·
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5334343 Look, I try my best, alright? I have ask for help for a pre-reader for it and I'm still waiting for some one to answer. At least read the story before commenting about my grammar.
5334349 Easy there calm down. Don't let it get under your skin.
5334434 Trust, I'm calm. I just want someone to read it the story before even commenting on the story. Did you read it?
Its spelled Chaos.
Good first chapter. Can't wait to see my OC. AKA Zeus.
5334517 Oops. Sorry.
5334518 His power will show up. I have look up the game and Zeus is mention, but I think he gets his voice in God of War. Also I need someone for Poseidon.
5334537 what about Tudal? Did you ask Defender2222 if you could use Tydal for this?
5334558 Oh right, I forget about him. Thanks for reminding me.
5334459 I will just a question. I see you have a lot of stories. Each if not most have 1 chapter and are crossovers. Before I do anything could you tell me why you don't devote to any of them? Why don't you try one-shots?
5334678 I get some many ideas, I can't keep up with them. I'm going to get pass this one chapter thing and get more of my stories done. I really have not done a lot of one-shots. So once I have the next chapter for this story plan out, I will start on it right away.
5334714 My advice is focus more on some of the stories that have greater potential. Don't spread yourself too much.
5335078 Thanks, I'm not sure how well this story is, because it just got put up. I'll give it a few day's.
5334579 no problem
Nope. Not touching this with a ten-foot titanite catchpole. Your grammar requires massive work in the description alone, so I can only assume the story would have me curled up in pain.
5335968 You're the second person to say that. Guess what, don't think because the description is bad that the story is too. Read it before you decide!
Just by reading the description I can tell your first language isn't english.
5336073 It is, if you have better one, please tell me.
5336005 How am I supposed to read the story when the errors in the description alone give me a headache? Your description is what people will tend to judge first and foremost about your story. If there are blatant errors in the description, there will be a multitude more in the story.
I am not joking about being curled up in pain from poor grammar.
5336091 Look, It was the best I got alright? If I think of a new one I will replace it. Just try to read the chapter, ok?
5336080
There should be an "a" between "have" and "better". And I find that difficult to believe due to the horrendous amount of grammatical errors in both your comments and your description. People say don't judge a book by its cover and that is true in most cases except for when it is an actual book. Because the cover is what we are first exposed to when we pick up a book, the entire purpose of a cover is to be judged, to give us an indication on what the book is going to be about. This also applies to descriptions. The story description is the first thing a reader pays attention to when first looking at a fanfiction. The entire purpose of the description is to tell the reader what the story is about. It is supposed to grab their attention and put them into the proper mindset to read the story. Similar to a book cover, the fic description is what gives the reader a first impression. It needs to be completely scrubbed clean of any spelling or grammatical errors, it needs to be looked over a dozen times, it needs to be changed, changed again, changed back, then changed again. A description needs to be spotless, because if you can't put the effort to look over a group of words that is only a paragraph or two long, then how am I (the reader) supposed to expect that you will do that for chapters that are upwards of a thousand words long.
5336272 Sorry about that last comment, I over look it. I can't think of anything right now to fix it. I did go over the chapter a few times and fix what I saw, I did ask for a pre-reader, but no one answering yet.
5336447
Do you have a phobia of using "ed" at the end of words, it's something you are missing a lot. And... I actually didn't read the chapter
. As for pre-reading, I suppose I could offer my services...
5336472 I don't mind. Do you want to go over in a PM? Or on Google Drive?
5336481 Let me read the first chapter, then we may converse over PM's. After that I'll look it over in GDocs.
5336501 OK, I was just told that this site is going to be site down at 11 for some up-gates. So we might have to talk about after that time.
5336512 I assume you mean updates.
5336151 Let us dissect the description for issues.
First sentence, first error:
You have no verb. Furthermore, what is a fear changeling? Is it a changeling that feeds on fear as opposed to love? I see the AU tag here, so that is possible, however I think it is more likely that you meant feared or fierce given the next sentence.
Second sentence, more errors:
First error: arm should be armed instead. An arm is a body part, to be armed is to possess a weapon or knowledge.
Second error: You have this sentence divided into two while using the conjunction of 'but' to start the second sentence. It's one or the other, buster, not both. Either delete but and capitalize looking, or replace that first period with a comma and lose the capitalization.
Third error: 'but looking back' There needs to be a comma between but and looking if the word but remains after your edit. Looking back, in this instance, is a parenthetic phrase. These can be done using commas instead of parentheses, but the mark needs to be there either way.
Oxford comma missing in list, just to nitpick, because the lack of a comma introduces an issue of ambiguity. Were the gods she fought gods that she worshipped? If not; the comma is required.
Oh look, another conjunction being used to start a sentence. An god? What is an god? Get that 'n' the fuck out of there! The rule is VERY simple. You use 'a' when the next word doesn't start with the sound of a vowel when spoken. This is why we say and write 'an hour from now.' The 'g' in god is not silent like the 'h' in hour. Finally, the most common error in this festering pile of excrement you dare to pass off as a valid story description, your issue with past tenses of words. Context reveals that you need a 'd' at the end of 'side,' preferably with the word 'had' added before. Vastly more preferable would be the word 'allied' instead of sided.
Once more does the specter (or spectre, if you're British) of your failure to conjugate for tenses rear its ugly head. learnED. Finally, we have a trio of errors to end the dissection of this quote attributed to Nightmare Moon. There is a consistency error with your lowercase g in god when all previous instances of the word have been capitalized. You should insert the word 'both' before lead. You need an apostrophe after Chrysalis at the very least.
imprisonED. I did mention that your lack of proper conjugation is a consistent error.
Nothing is wrong here. It's a bloody miracle! One sentence in the entire description has no errors!
ArmED.
She is about to be dangerous? Wait, the rest of the description is in the PAST TENSE! You fooled me for a second into thinking there might be two whole sentences here that didn't have issues.
Also, warnED.
Final score: 15/100
It is one thing to be stylistic in your description to facilitate the atmosphere of the story. It is something entirely different to just plain suck at writing in what you claim is your native tongue.
Your story might be sold gold at the core, but, when your description is shit, people will avoid it like the turd it appears to be.
5336521 Right, sorry about that.
5336562 No, wait. My bad, it is upgrades.
5336707 Well, it done and did you read it before hand or are you just about to?
5336522 I fix the things you pointed out. Now will you read it?
5336710 Still reading.
5336726 Fixed, you mean fixED.
No. You clearly have not fixed every error I pointed out. Since you struggle so badly to grasp basic fundamentals of communication and writing; I have no choice but to abandon my efforts altogether.
To the badfic bin with you!
5337405 Then don't even read it. You already seen how many people had read this and they barely even mention it. So if your a hater, then hate it. Stuff like this is what get me mad. I try my best, no one is perfect.
5336750 So, how was it? I did go over it myself and fixed what I saw once again.
5337968 I have read some of it and, in essence, just look over what Voldine has said. You have misspelled and/or misused words everywhere, and you switch between present and past tense within the span of half a sentence. Inquiry: What level of schooling are you currently at?
5338013 Well, in truth, I'm done with school, and I have been trying to get in college, but I either have to wait until my mom sign the paper to let me in or wait until I'm 25. I'm one year away from the latter. I will say because I took special classes, my leaning level is not the some as my age level. I also got tired of Voldine and just told him not to read it. I understand he trying to help, but I told him that no one prefect. So think you can fixed whatever I miss? Remembering I went over it a few time myself and fixed what I saw.
5338038 So you have successfully gained and finished your high school education correct?
5338047 Yes.
5338049 Alrighty then, in that case there is no excuse for the level of quality (or lack thereof) you have in your writing. I'm not even sure how you were able to pass your english classes with your level of writing unless you had a serious handicap. Whether I can fix it? Yes. Will I fix it? I could, but that would be the job of an editor, not a pre-reader. I would recommend choosing a very well known and highly renowned book, and while reading it pay attention to how the author writes. I would suggest trying something from Warhammer Fantasy Battle from the Black Library. I'll still try to help but you have to put in the effort, you have to want your story to be better.
5338093 OK, thank you.
what is queen chrysalis wearing
5379531 She wearing something, I just haven't thought of it.
5379533 what about pants boots and an armor top
Why are you forgeting to add the s after "It's"?
A black creature lay on it knees with it hands held up by chain and a lock around it neck. It bug-like wings were laying on the side of the body given it an green like shell. It crooked horn glow weakly as it aquamarine mane cover it's face. It also was wearing black pants, steel boots and an armor top. Then it groan and lift it head and open it eyes as the version started to return slowly. This is Queen Chrysalis, the Changeling queen. She rule over her kind with an iron hoof and was declare the most powerful changeling in Equestria.
Most people learn the rules of a language before attempting to write in it. That, or attend schooling at a licensed educational institution. I highly recommend you do the same.
Hey, I know it's been years since you've worked on this story, but do you think you'll be able to continue it and it's series? Even though I've never actually played the games firsthand, I'm a big fan of God of War myself. Also, will this series include the 2018 game?
Also, I don't mind if you make Grammer mistakes, though you can try to fix them if you want. I understand that you're doing your best at it. Good luck!😉👍