Sonata's Loss

by Purpleblackkiwi

Someone to Cherish. Someone to matter

The outstretched hand in front of Sonata felt like a genuine apology, however the idea to run away was still very present in her mind.
However She still couldn't place her finger on why Sunset Shimmer the girl who had defeated the Dazzlings, instead of punishing her had chosen to cry and ask for forgiveness. Sonata was taken back at the gesture, and in her mind she still feared for a trap or another threat. The door of the closet was still very open and any passing by student could easily see the two.

“W-why?” Asked a confused Sonata. Her body still withdrawn from Sunset Shimmer.

Sunset saw the amount of confusion in Sonata and withdrew her hand. She then stood up onto her legs and made her way to the door of the closet. She looked down the hall on both sides before shutting the door and switching on the light in the room.

Sonata noticed she had missed to the light due to it being covered by bottles of cleaning supply. Sunset then turned around to once again face Sonata.

“When I said that I understand your pain. I wasn't lying.” Sunset started in a regretful tone.

“I tried to take over the school with Equestrian magic but failed, and in truth I felt exactly how you must be feeling. Students looked down on me in a painful stare. They shunned me to forever be a villain and a she-demon” Sunset stared at the floor recalling the painful time.

The time when cried she just as hard as Sonata did. The time when she even regretted living. At the time she wanted to disappear from the world like a villain does when they are finally defeated.

Sonata still sitting down began to listen intently. She didn't care about the door closing since she no longer felt an anger coming from Sunset. She did notice the somber air that Sunset let out as she told her story.

“I wanted to fade away. I wanted to turn to dust and let the wind carry me away. To a place where I didn't have to live with my former self.” Sunset carried on.

“Who knows what could have happened to me. I was so vulnerable, I didn't know what to do with myself. I just wanted to run away.” Sunset implied running intentionally to connect with Sonata.

Sonata realized she too wanted to do the same. After their defeat she lost everything, not only the rest of the Dazzlings but also her own goals and paths. She could no longer use the spells and magic they use to create chaos.

“However I’m still here today and I have the strangest people to thank for that.” Sunset said eliciting a small smile.

“The very people who defeated me with the magic of friendship also wanted to help me with the same friendship.” Chuckled Sunset Shimmer.

Sonata began to see the correlations between her situation and Sunset Shimmers defeat. Did Sunset decide to help her out of pity, out of guilt, or was it to avoid hypocrisy. Either way the thought infuriated her.

“Just because you've gone through similar situations doesn't mean you understand me!” Hissed Sonata.

Sonata now stood up and went into a defensive stance.

“I don’t want your pity. Who says I need your help! Who lets you decide whether or not to help me, you’re the one who barged in even when I asked to be alone!” Snapped Sonata.

Sunset felt hurt by Sonata’s remarks. She did have a point though. Although their situations are alike, no one person’s problems are the same.

“It doesn’t mean you have to go through this alone Sonata-” Sunset pleaded

“Stop calling me Sonata!” Sonata interrupted.

“Only the Dazzlings can call me that because they’re my only friends…” Exclaimed Sonata placing a hand on her chest.

“Sure they can be mean at times I mean we’ve fought more times than I can count. They don’t think I can do anything besides sing, and they still make fun of me for that.” Boasted Sonata.

Sunset saw the amount of self destruction Sonata was causing herself. Reminding herself why she never trusted anyone else, why she never made any new friends. As if self inflicting harm to keep from further pain.

“You think only you have friends. I’ve had the best friends for hundreds of years. They help me with all my problems. Aria always listens to what I have to say. I know I can say dumb stuff but I’m sure they forgive me for that.” Sonata confessed. Her voice cracking with each comment and confession.

Sunset couldn’t stand by and watch Sonata reach self emotional destruction. She knew Sonata didn’t trust anyone else. How could she when as a siren she had to cause chaos and fighting with everyone she met. She never got the chance to make new friends.

Sunset took a single step towards Sonata.

“NO! Stay back! I don’t need any friends. Besides all they do is cause painful memories. All they do is tell you what's wrong with you and all they do is complain about every little thing about you!” Sonata cursed loudly. She held her arms inward as she yelled to herself memories of pains and regrets of the past.

“Just let me go and run away as far as possible! You won’t ever see me again.” Asked Sonata.

Sunset kept taking small steps toward Sonata. She didn’t even know what do about Sonata’s rage. She just couldn’t stand seeing Sonata in so much pain.

“I told you to get away! Look If I run away we never have to see each other again. Neither of us have to apologize and we can both go on living our lives.” Explained Sonata.

Sunset was now only a few inches from Sonata.

“Please…. Please just let me disappear. Just let me fade away” Sonata said quietly. She was out of tears to cry instead she clenched her eyes to avoid the gaze of Sunset

Sonata was done. She was at the lowest she ever felt in her life. In the presence of someone who cared she threw everything she had to push them away. She felt a life of loneliness should have been her own punishment.

Sonata then felt a warmth embrace her entire body. Sonata opened her eyes to see Sunsets hair. It took a moment to realize that Sunset’s arms had been wrapped around her. She had seen this exact motion among close friends and couples. That was of course before she would cause them to fight.

She didn’t know what to feel, besides how much she enjoyed the sensation. The closeness she felt with the person. Instinctively she wrapped her arms around Sunset to hug back. She had yearned for such a close encounter with someone.

She could feel the warmth Sunset had within her chest. She could feel the rise and fall of her breath she even felt the small beat of her heart.

“I learned that no one is ever excluded from being important. Each and every one of our problems matter because they matter to us.” Sunset said quietly.

“Whats more important is that we are all entitled to a friend, to enjoy our lives, to love one another. Never believe yourself to be less important than any other Dazzling or Rainboom for that matter.” Sunset replied tenderly.

They hugged for what felt like an eternity and a short second at the same time. Sonata couldn’t get enough of the feeling of the warm embrace and of Sunsets kind words. The feeling of someone who genuinely cared for her. Not because of her talents or who and what she is, but caring for her unconditionally without reason.

After breaking their hug Sunset gave Sonata a warm smile, and in turn Sonata smiled sheepishly back. Although it was a small, Sunset Shimmer was happy to have finally earned a smile from Sonata.
Sunset then took off her black coat she usually wore and wrapped it around Sonata.

Sonata gave a confused look but still accepted the coat happily.

“What’s the coat for?” Sonata questioned.

“Its to show people that you’re now my friend, and that now you are under my protection.” Sunset chuckled.

Sunset took a grasp of Sonata’s hand and led her to the door of the closet. Sunset opened the door to the hall and lightly pulled Sonata behind.

“I have a few friends that who would love to meet you.” Promised Sunset.

With that the two began walking down the hall back to the concert. Soon students began to notice that Sunset Shimmer was holding hands with one of the Dazzlings. Although many questioned few acted upon it. Some yelled curses at Sonata and some yelled for revenge. However those would be shot down by Sunset Shimmer as she proclaimed that Sonata is now one of her friends.

Although Sonata was scared from all the students around her. She found comfort within the hand of Sunset Shimmer. She watched Sunset as she walked behind her taking refuge in her confidence.

She was sure that Sunset was leading her to the Rainbooms, and although she was worried that they might not be as accepting as Sunset. Within Sonata she was just grateful to have finally made a true friend. One she would cherish forever.

Author's Note:

This ends my short story of Sonata Dusk and Sunset Shimmer
Thank you all who have read this liked and followed.
Through this story I've given my views in which I see friends and comfort.
I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I've left the ending open to allow for imagination and if you would like I will gladly allow any author to continue the story.
send me a message and please set a link.

Please leave a review or comment about what you thought about the story.

Comments

[EchoWing]

It's not a bad story. Lots of spelling errors and what-not, but not a bad story.

[SadisticFluttershy]

Well... That was good.
I feel that the story should be extended from here. I know someone who could do it.
The author of: The Evening Sonata.

[FunFunFUN]

5302669 OMG I didnt think to see you here!

[SadisticFluttershy]

5311478
And who are you?

[Purpleblackkiwi]

5302669 Hmm I would be more than happy to have him continue the story. if of course if he wants to take over the story.

[Csquared08]

Your ideas were decent. You took an interesting concept and went interesting places with it.

It's just... Your grammar was miserable. Dialogue punctuation was especially bad. Your sentence structure was choppy. Nothing really flowed well together. And your pacing was far too fast. There was really no time to develop your characters and advance the story. Everything happened too quickly.

I strongly suggest getting an editor. A good one.

[Purpleblackkiwi]

5317540 thank you for your critique. You are right I do need to work on my writing and on my English.
I usually get that I have good idea's and concepts however I lack the ability to convey them.

[Golden Flare]

This was a great story, and I hope to see a continuation in the future

[mycarhasaMoustache]

I really enjoyed that, Its very well written and full of feels. Well done

[cheezesauce]

Review: Sonata’s Loss , Purpleblackkiwi, 22/12/2014

Hi, this is cheeze from WRITE, called in for a review. The odd thing is that you don’t need a reviewer—you need an editor.

You seem to have a decent idea of a plot, of what should come first and what should come next. The plot is simple, and it works fine. The reactions of the characters appear to be justifiable, and thus believable. In terms of description, you have a good sense of what objects to focus and elaborate on. All those details about the food in Sonata’s hair and being crammed into the closet really made me go like ‘ugh, yuck!’ And that means you’ve done a good job.

On the floor of the already small room her body felt cramped and soon she began imagining the walls closing in.

Channelling emotion into writing and generating high tension moments are not easy feats, and even many experienced writers struggle with creating drama. So I have to say I’m impressed with some of the things you’ve done here, despite having very unsatisfactory writing footwork. You’ve got a solid introduction, setting the tone early and getting into the thick of things. It was clever to begin with a scene like that, and that shows in the story’s rating.

Take note, however, that despite having a strong start, I find that the writing begins to lose a bit of its flair by the second chapter, especially when you fall into repetition, using the same words again and again or telling us things that we already know of.

Let’s talk about the negatives.

There is little help in sugar-coating this, so I’ll say it outright—your writing footwork is absolutely horrendous. I’m sure you’re somewhat aware of this already. The grammar is terrible. There’s confusion between singular and plural forms, there are slippages in tense. The change in perspectives are extremely confusing, and it feels as if we’re playing a mental tennis match with the characters, meaning that the perspective switches ever so often, and ever so abruptly. The speech tags are a mess, with unnecessary capitalizations. Comma splices are rampant and litter every other paragraph of writing.

I’ve fished up some examples below for discussion. The quoted version is text lifted directly from the story, while the text below the quote is my suggested version. My suggestions are merely basic corrections with regards to mechanics, and they can be improved further.

She finally felt a secure ledge a shelf maybe she thought.

She finally felt a secure ledge. A shelf maybe, she thought.

What ever the object was it was nothing to help stay up.

Whatever the object was, it was nothing to help her stay up.

This information can actually be considered as repetition. There are many instances of repetition in your story. Note that you’ve already described Sonata losing her balance and slipping, thus it can be inferred by the reader that the object obviously did not help her stay up. Explicitly stating this is unnecessary spoon-feeding.

How could this have happened to her she thought.

How could this have happened to her, she thought.
Improved version: How could this have happened?
The reason why you can cut out the ‘she thought’ is because things are currently in her perspective. There is, after all, only a single character in the scene, and you’re actually describing her emotions just the line before. As such, there is no need to clarify and these are her thoughts.

“Whats your name?” Asked Sunset

“What’s your name?” asked Sunset.

This is a recurring issue with your writing. If a speech tag follows after the dialogue, there should be no capitalization. If an action tag follows, capitalization is required. Here’s a very useful list of examples:

Attribution of Dialogue (Dialogue Tagging)

Wrong:
✖ "Hi there," the pink pony grinned. (It should be a period: ‘grinned’ isn’t a ‘speaking’ verb.)
✖ "Hi there." The pink pony said. (This should be a comma; no capitalization should be used)
✖ "Hi there"! the pink pony shouted! (Punctuation of dialogue belongs inside the quotes.)
✖ "Hi there!" The pink pony shouted! (Don’t capitalize "the"; treat the "!" as a comma.)

Correct:
✔ "Hi there," the pink pony giggled. (She giggled while saying the words.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony giggled. (She said those words, then giggled.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony grinned. (The word 'grinned' isn't a 'speaking' verb.)
✔ "Hi there!" the pink pony shouted. (Exclamations and queries replace the comma.)

(referenced from: The Editor’s Omnibus, https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?hl=en_US)

-Sonata could see the clear anger…
-Sunset rarely felt anger…
-Sonata…

Script writing is a big no-no. Stories with a script format are generally not approved on the site. Also, this is an example of what I mean by the abrupt switches in perspectives. First we’re inside Sonata’s head and reading her thoughts, then all of a sudden we’re in Sunset’s head with her thoughts, and then suddenly it’s back to Sonata.

There was also a confusing, though less severe, shift in perspective with the entrance of Sunset into the story, part of which I quote below:

> Among them was a student named Sunset Shimmer.

This shift in perspective from Sonata to Sunset was sloppy. From the impression I got, I actually thought you were writing from the 3rd person limited perspective, meaning that the story is being told through Sonata’s eyes. This seems to be the case especially at the beginning, where Sonata was alone in the locker.

My final remark is that you don’t need to reiterate background information that we already know of as the readers. You don’t need to explain that Sunset played a critical role in their defeat, or what the Dazzlings were and all that. It’s already known to the reader, and even to the characters.

And this concludes my review. It’s interesting, because it’s not often that I come across writers that have managed to hit some higher aspects of writing but don’t have the proper footwork and mechanics to back it up. The job of an editor is to weed out all these errors. You need an editor, one that actually knows what he’s doing. It’s understandably difficult to find good, dedicated ones. Perhaps try this group? I’ve never tried it before though.
(https://www.fimfiction.net/group/197236/overly-extensive-editors)

Set up a googledocs and work all this issues out. It will do your story wonders, and who knows? Maybe a few days later I’ll be seeing it in the feature box.

Keep writing, and I hope this review’s been useful.

--cheezesauce, WRITE’s perpetual underground lurker.

fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png

[supergirl1329]

5418383

I have been looking everywhere for the dialogue rules on capitalization and punctuation. Also some great tips on other things, too.