Critical Hit: Ponyville P.I.

Ever since he was a colt, Critical Hit wanted to be a detective. Now, his dreams have come true. However, being the only private investigator in Ponyville is a larger undertaking than he once thought...

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 6 )

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Blackguard

Blackguard #1 · Nov 15th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter 2 ·

So much promise and yet so little actual substance. The things you could have done with this but it feels so... soulless and empty.

The start could have been all film noir with the exposition and going with the color scheme. We see the hard boiled Critical Hit... well maybe you can come up with a better name later, sitting in his office doing the private eye dialogue like one of the old timey black and white film detectives. Throw in a little Mike Hammer, sprinkle with some Sam Spade and top it off with some Philip Marlowe. You can even go cliche with the start:

"It was a cold, rainy night in the small town of Ponyville. It was like the angels themselves were crying because the world had gone to shit. Nopony in their right mind would be out in weather like this but nopony ever said I was in my right mind. My name is Critical Hit and I'm a detective, the best detective that Ponyville ever had. Well, technically the only detective that Ponyville ever had. But I knew that any moment now somepony would be coming through my door needing my services."
"There was a knock on the door and then she walked in like a tigress stalking through a Neighponese jungle - bubblegum pink and legs for hours. No dame could look that dangerous and at the same time so innocent. She had bad news written all over her like the latest edition from Gabby Gums. She slowly walked over to my desk and..."
"What are you talking about?" Pinkie Pie asked me. "Oh is this some kind of game where we speak what we're thinking?" She brightened up at the thought of playing a game, "okay... uhmmmmm.... oh yeah! I stood in the office and all I could think of was why is every thing painted grey?"
"Dammit Pinkie Pie, I was just trying to set the mood." I reached down under my desk and turned off the record player that was currently playing the saxophone and sound effects of the rain before trotting over to the blinds to let the light in.
"You big silly! You've been watching too many old movies. Everything isn't supposed to be all grey and you speaking like that!" she bounced a bit and there was a poof of dust as her hooves landed on the carpet releasing some of the chalk dust. Giggling like a filly she jumped up and down harder, making a cloud of dust that she disappeared into. When it settled she too was covered head to hoof with the grey chalk. Looking at herself she started to giggle even harder.
"Maybe we ought to get cleaned up first, " I suggested.

Then we switch to the next scene which is his first case. I'd suggest at that point also switching to third person. It's a lot easier to write and you don't have to limit yourself to only what the main character sees.

Now we get to the mechanical problems. Part of the reason I suggest you write in third person is that you have too many sentences starting with "I". This is just bad writing. Try to mix it up a bit and change how you start your sentences. When you repeat yourself too much people start to notice it and then it really stands out.

I also didn't get very far in the second chapter because the formatting is all over the place. Please fix it and make it easier to read.

hailspider

hailspider #2 · Nov 15th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

5273402 Agreed. This could have been so much more.
And the second chapter doesn't accomplish much of anything. Admittedly, I skipped some of it, but that was because the formatting is obnoxious.

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Really? You couldn't have just used the [hr] tag?

Fluttershy and Manticore

Fluttershy and Manticore #3 · Nov 15th, 2014 · · 1 · Chapter 2 ·

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^
Really? You could've just used the hr tag

Starshade

Starshade #4 · Nov 15th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Thank you, everyone, for your input. This is my first fanfic for really anything, so I wasn't sure how it would turn out. I'll definitely think about what you've told me, and take that into consideration if I decide to continue/rewrite this.

And about the formatting, I posted this late at night copied/pasted from a .txt file. Enough said.

And I don't know what an "hr tag" is.

Starshade

Starshade #5 · Nov 15th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

5273402 Actually, that's what I had in mind for this, but Im not exactly familiar with this sort of style. Thanks for the ideas!

Blackguard

Blackguard #6 · Nov 16th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

5274388
No problem, that's why I do this.

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