• Member Since 26th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen April 3rd

TimeRarity64


I prefer writing and reading original stuff, with a sinful taste to abnormality, darling. :raritywink:

T
Source

"Those who hear a Siren sing and live, will cause the Siren itself to be destroyed, or so the legend goes." (Ram, Black Rock Shooter)

It began as a short tale where her voice was the final thing I heard from her and the final ode she sang. This is a short verse...of a beautiful siren that only wanted to sing

Chapters (2)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 13 )

Prose. Lots of prose. There's a saying, and I'm not sure you've heard it. "Brevity is the soul of wit". It's a mantra that all authors should aspire to live up to, and this has to be one of the most witless stories I've read through. That is to say nothing about the awkward, and sometimes incorrect, word choice, the use of ellipses where commas would have sufficed, and the Draconian method you used to tell your story.

I could spend an entire page pointing out the technical flaws of the work, but I'm not feeling up to the task, so I'll spare you this time. Instead, I want you to read the first paragraph, then compare it to the one I re-wrote below, and tell me which you think is better.

It was there, in that place where warmth and sadness first shook hands, that I lay down my cross. I remember the day perfectly: it was warm for autumn, and the sun was a gentle caress on my legs as I sat beneath the old cherub tree. I was on a rickety swing, easily older than I was, with my eyes cast upward. I'd never liked looking at the open sky: it was too big, too open. I settled for the cliff face, instead.
It was then that I heard, for the last time, a tell-tale melody of sweet sadness. It was faint, muffled by distance and the chirping of birds. She started slow: a lament, more to the sky than for my ears. It was a song about love, life…and sorrow. Even then , her voice was like the sweetest honey, and it rang loud and clear against the afternoon sky. I simply sat there, basking in the melody of one tired heart.
Yet, all I could do was smile. There's an old maritime saying about a siren's song: it only grows more beautiful the more lonely and pained they are. I could feel the dragnets hooked into my heart, pulling me in. I think they were right.

Let me clarify: art isn't a contest. There are no winners and losers. Art is about expression. It's about telling people how you feel, in a way that is more open to interpretation than statements of fact. Thus, it carries more impact when you do figure out what a piece means. There's nothing that isn't art. There are, though, good and bad pieces of art. It has nothing to do with quality. Simply, bad art fails to deliver on the message that prompted its creation, like what happened here.
The story you wanted to tell is buried somewhere in there. Maybe you need a proof-reader, or a full-time editor, to help you dig it out. But the vision is there: it just needs some work before it can truly shine.

I hope you consider this when writing any future stories. There's no such thing as a bad story. There are meaningless stories, fulfilled stories, and stories that are diamonds in the rough. Keep working at it: I think you have a gem here. :raritywink:

5184011 Oh, Darling you make momma blush. :heart: Finally, someone who knows that literature is no competition but enjoyment. A way to express ones feelings!

I didn't get what it meant, but that's because I'm an idiot. :D

5184096 There's a lot of purple prose and padding, but from what I could tell, it's a story about Adagio's suicide, as seen from Sunset Shimmer's perspective.

5184113 I understood that. But not really the rest
Also I have an OC with your username
it's cool

5184113
5184131 He speaks the truth, darling. My plans had no interest in making Shimmer empathetic whatsoever, instead, only pitying the young girl to the point she watched her killed herself. The moral of the story had nothing to do with bullying as most stories would push a character to suicide, but the fear and pain Adagio was going through with all attention being given to her.

Sunset Shimmer is spiteful and twisted in her nature, where she is able to relate with all the things Adagio done to the point, readers will see she takes on as a spectator of sorts. She liked Adagio's voice, loved like everyone else, but she was the only one who seen through it and following a small lore from Agronautica, like a Siren Adagio was portrayed as, she watched her destroy herself.

I'll be editing soon, but this story actually had some hidden wording to the point I tried hard to focus on auditor elements where if you listen than just read, you'll start to feel Adagio's suffering. Also, there is a hidden link in the text on the summary of the story. I'm glad it was good, a writer on here brought up a good forum involving sad fics. It felt good to share many personal viewpoints especially the direction where the main character is not focused through their perspective but someone else. This is a branch to a whole post-genesis style of writing.

Either people like it or not, I only wish for them to truly learn more about a story than judging it and thinking much on its popularity. No one wants to be popular, they just want to be alive.

The reason I don't tag it dark is because we don't see anything dark in it. Only tragedy to which sadness is expressed through Adagio and Sunset watches the tragedy befall her to the heartless sea.

5184131 To be honest, this wasn't my first choice. I thought about taking "Midnight Oil", because I do all my best work after midnight, but it was already taken. I would say "small world", but with seven-billion people on the planet, there's hardly an original idea left.

5184011 Purple prose is infinitely better that Beige prose; when the audience can envision the scene perfectly as they read, the author knows they have done something right, and I would say this author did it right. This is far from being one of those cases where overdescription hurts a story.

Anyway, this was a rather interesting piece. Very different from the movie too, as you will no doubt discover once you get the opportunity to see it, but that's not a bad thing. Looking forward to the epilogue, whatever it may be. :twilightsmile:

5190924 Trust me, it's being written and rewritten where I throw in some hard elements of it making sense. Plus, I need a credit song to play along its sorrow.

5190924 I will admit that prose is more potent than beige prose, but it's also one of the fastest ways to lose an audience's interest. That said, these are both extremes of two fundamental ideas in the writing process: stories need to be vivid, and they need to have good pacing. There's no perfect way to find the perfect balance of any story, because it's different for every story.

I just think the story could use a little trimming is all. Nothing too drastic; just maximize on the descriptions you have, instead of throwing a hundred tiny details at us.

This was... interesting. Definitely could use some touching up; for example, there were a couple instances where you used the wrong tense of a verb.

As for the story itself? Well, it was a bit hard to take in. I understand that you haven't seen Rainbow Rocks yet, but this story definitely needs an Alternate Universe tag.

What a weird ending for a weird story. Huh. Interesting.

5279713 Thank you, darling; though I still feel as if I can do more to this.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!