Good is good and bad is bad. But what if the Equestria that lives in harmony is not so good as it is made out, what if bad is good elsewhere and good in Equestria is...not so good?
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Yeah....That a problem.
Darkness side seem different from Evil.
the store reminds me of that movie Halloweentown
So, I have to ask, How did Derrick Get in a relationship with the princesses? I am sure he didn't just walk up to them and ask them out. In real life that would not work, and in fantasy it wouldn't work like that either. So what I guess I am asking is, can you make some back-story or lore chapter on how he formed the relationship with the princesses?
(facepalm) Okay note to Derrick. Ask the ruler how these ponies operate before introducing yourself to them, that way you will survive longer.
Thank goodness they are all not in heat right now or it would start raining blood and hell for real
5205631 dark =/= evil has kind of been the point so far. Not necessarily the best of things but certainly not EVIL.
wow its like this guy starts crying after every sentence i read its getting annoying he is also kind of pitiful
5208572
I know, but to make him a hardass instead would be a little over the top. Besides, he'll man up being around Dark Shimmer and the others.
5208178
*Looks to stunner, flatly* likewise.
GREAT STORY
I look forward to the next chapter
oh happy Halloween night
but in Mexico it is
actualmundo.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/imagenes-del-dia-de-los-muertos.jpg
please i want more awesome story
Okay. This story has potential. I mean I like some of these ideas (this sort of Halloween Town version of Ponyville in particular). However if you keep whipping the emotional tone back and forth like this it's going to start cracking like a whip before long. It's understandable to be out of sorts for a while after being stabbed in the back by those you trust most. This guy, however, flits between crying over a spilled drop of milk, near total nonchalance and seething, unrestrained rage like... well, like this Red Death character would be expected to. He also ended this chapter being a bit of an ass; "what's that thing" is a pretty reasonable question when you're looking at a creature you don't recognize. The occasional missing and mistaken words are easily overlooked on account of being few enough in number that they do little to disrupt the flow but a bit more emotional stability is needed.
Well you're fucked
What the hell was that thing?
6231397
Let's just say a few guards from the past died in the midst of Nightmare Moon vs Celestia, and now their angry souls collected into something foul and always hungry from Nightmare Moon's darkness leaving a deadly thirst for life by devouring flesh to regrow flesh.
6231522 Ah, a fiend.
6231597
More likea an angry ghoul.
This critique provided via your solicitation to Professional Editorial Reviews. All commentary provided hopefully for your benefit. You asked for it.
*********
The way they blasted me off the face of the planet was pretty jovial, really.
I had climbed thirty stories under Baltimare to look at a toilet.
Every time my mother came down the stairs yelling, the bullet in my stomach burned like the tip of a hot poker.
She snuggled over and grabbed me spoon-fashion; her body warm and reasonably soft.
Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.*
All of these; decent opening lines.
When you're opening a story, keep in mind the average reader's attention span is eight to fifteen seconds. At the average human reading rate, you have about two sentences to hook them. One if the first sentence is particularly off-putting. Twenty words if you're lucky.
You lost me. If I wasn't reviewing this, I would've stopped by there. Readers on this site, luckily, have a higher tolerance and will often stick with a story for premise's sake. In pro publishing it wouldn't pass muster. Not to mention it should be "black and decayed". Keep the opener snappy and intriguing. Minimize use of modifiers (adverbs and adjectives). This is a principle you should likewise apply to the rest of the story. Examples follow:
Statements like these bog down the story. Unless the stones create atmosphere or have some actual bearing on this story, no one cares. They do neither, and are quickly forgotten, so strike 'em. Stories are richer for what they can afford not to say.
Almost every verb is passive. Try to minimize use of "was" and "is". Throw them in there once and a while, readers can't take active tense all the time, but with care. Otherwise stick to action verbs. "Is" and "was" turns action into backdrop. This seems to be an action scene. Build it like one.
-"considered his friends" Flows better. "To be", in this instance, is extraneous. I'm not going to point out every instance where you did it, but you did it a lot. You'll notice it more naturally as you continue writing.
-Is there a reason for the proper noun treatment? If it's a special, in-universe type thing, you'll need to elaborate. If he's just a normal engineer, don't capitalize.
Don't do periodic asyndeton with adverbs. Ever. "Interestingly" does nothing for you here.
It's statistically proven that the less powerful and capable a character is, the more they appeal to readers. Just throwing that out there. No one likes a wimp, but no one likes a character that has nowhere to grow.
-Spat. "He leaned back as the wood spat cinders. It snapped and smoked like something from a holiday movie, chasing the dark up into the sky and the chill from his spine." Brevity is the ally of expression.
Situation isn't dramatic enough to warrant that phrase. Only use negation statements (Nothing happened. / All was silent. / etc.) to manipulate tension. Don't just throw it out. It's superfluous. If nothing happens, you don't have to say so.
Who talks like that? Speech has to be natural. How would you say it if you weren't trying to be dramatic? Probably: This is what I get, huh? Or something similar. All of the dialog in this story suffers from the same issue. It reads like bad TV lines.
-Use pronouns whenever possible. Referring to already established characters by descriptors like "the Night Princess" or (infamously) "the purple alicorn" gets annoying.
-The less adverbs you use, the better. The road to hell is paved with adverbs.
Also, why are we still in the prologue? If you're having trouble deciding if and where to put a prologue, ask yourself if the story started yet. If it did, you don't really need a prologue.
Hey. That's pretty good. "The silence put plugs in his ears and an invisible hand over his mouth." There're some gems in here.
-”Derrick!” Celestia soared after him.
… Giggity? These one-off phrases are awkward and unnecessary.
Damn. Am I only half-way through the first page? I could keep going, but the rest of the work repeats what I've already cited above.
What's Bad: Don't get the idea I'm just beating up on this fic, but it has a lot of problems, expressed in detail above and boiled down into the following:
1.- Superfluous verbiage.
2.- Meandering construction.
3.- Super-long prologue that should be part of the story proper.
4.- Wonky dialogue.
5.- Repetitive capitalization and punctuation errors. - I don't point these out individually, but they're there and they're distracting.
6.- Inconsistent and wild variance in character behavior.
Remember you're trying to get ideas from your brain into someone else's in the best manner possible. I get the intrinsics of what the story is trying to tell me, which is good, but because of the issues above the impact and emotion get so watered down I can't feel it. Nothing in the story holds emotional investment. There's too many words, and none of them stick.
I suggest reading Strunk & White's Elements of Style and The Chicago Manual of Style. Both will give you some in-depth tips on building better, more purposeful sentences. After a while, it'll come naturally. From there you can work on more advanced stuff like time manipulation, word cadence, and advanced plot interrelation.
In short; use less words, use better words, only use more words to draw attention to a key idea or event.
For that last bullet, however, there's no easy technical answer. The main character comes off as bipolar. Try to figure out what his actual back story and motivations are so he comes off more as a natural character with believable reactions and less of a dramatic device that enters whatever emotional state the author needs with no logical prompting.
What's Good:
I like to end on a high note, so here's what you did well:
-Story structure: Is there a discernible theme and logical progression of events? Yes. This is like a story's backbone, so you have that. Just put some better muscles around it.
-Conflict: There's some motion in the story. It should get there a little faster, but all-in-all, it's adequate.
Final Verdict: It's not terrible. A story's obviously going on here. Telepathy occurs. Fortunately, most of your foibles are common amateur issues that vanish with a little conscious correction. The more you write, and the more you focus on the fundamentals, the closer you'll get to a relaxed style that'll let you get what's in your head over to ours without cheesy dramatization and hand-holding.
Publishable: No. Red stamp.
----
*From James Joyce's Ulysses.
6240249
I got what I requested, but it does not affect me negatively. So thanks for the honesty.
As for the suggestions, I'll take those to heart. My only counter to this, if at all a counter, is everyone has flaws in their writing, and I must professionally tell you that your red stamp means nothing to me.
Criticism is what I wanted and it is what I received, and approval of my story is done by me, meaning I approve myself to write this flawed yet still amazing story.
The readers say so, but their opinion does not decide the fate of my writing. My only disagreement with you is approval, because I am the judge of my own work.
I believe my writing is great but still greatly flawed as well, and I must work on it in order to do better.
So in the end, thank you for the criticism.
6240482
Oh, of course, man. I'm just speaking from the position of someone who edits and sells books for a living.
6243232
I don't disagree that you edit and sell for a living. I'm just trying to be the person that influences positively for others. What I mean is instead of getting "butt hurt" over actual criticism they should swallow that bitter pill of the truth.
Not to argue with you, but rather show there is better outcome through a mature intake of the problems they possess.
I doubt it will do much for everyone, but it needs to be seen.
6243232
Plus, just to completely honest, the pain of being flawed is irrelevant to me. I'm more concerned about the doctors getting my prosthetic leg attached correctly.
But just to go completely off subject, you do editing?
If so, then I may need your skills for an actual idea I've been working on for a few weeks now. A novel that I believe will be excellent.
6243603
Yes. I'm a staff editor at Simon & Schuster. Editing literally pays my bills.
Pitch it to me via PM.
6243827
Well I only have two chapters so far. Besides, don't you need the entire book first?
Sorry, must be a dumb question, but this is all new to me.
That went to hell quickly.
And you know what the best part is?
This is all your fault, NM. If'n he hadn't been running from you, this would never have happened.
Nice job breaking it, hero.
Holy Celestia, is that pic nightmare fuel.
Heh.
So here i am. Reading A story that i've liked since 2015-16 i think?
Seeing it being rewritten, rewrote and remade. Im in shock and awe of the improvement. ANd artwork too! Lots of great stuff so far. Very intruiged in where this is taking. Nightmare Moon's powers of being sapped, not being 'evil' anymore is interesting from there bodies being split.
But now my interest in this story is how it goes. because with how celestia and luna nearly ruined Derrick, This could lead to many different things...
and im hoping that it keeps my attention. Because this story, ho boy. Im already loving it just from the prologue and old work i read you had. So excited to read the rest you made! :)
Ok nope, all my nopes, there is no world building, no explanation, nothing. I don't care if the story gets good at some point. The whole beginning needs a complete rewrite and less e-moes before it's readable. And an editor, some sentences don't even make sense.
8829721
If this was re-written with better characters and grammar, I would love the shit out of it.
As things stand, this is pretty cringe.
THATS ME
8121837
If this is a legitimate and massive improvement, that's frankly terrifying. This feels more like a rough draft, fresh from the board with little or no editing, not a second publishing in its entirety
10380790
To be honest, I do have to agree.
11658872
Szczerze mówiąc w porównaniu do innych fanficów to jest dobre. Poważnie ludzie czy wy czytaliście same perełki bo jeśli tak to nie rozumiem co tu robicie. Ta strona ma w większości podobne lub gorsze pod względem jakości fikcje więc trochę wam zajmie szukanie