- Member Since 10th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen 15 hours ago
Shazam 25
I'm a guy who loves Video Games and is a Brony. I get different ideas for the mane six and mostly into game crossovers.
Shazam 25
Joined 10th Dec, 2013 ·
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AJ is an Assassin? Interning I cant wait to see more chapter
5224421 Hope you don't mind. It the only one that I can find that has Applejack dress as an Assassin.
5224423 Applejack needs a another mission before the next chapter comes and she not the only one becoming an Assassin. The next Pony Creed Story I'm working on is Pony Creed: Changeling. Can you guess who that Assassin is?
i really like this but some of the stuff felt out of place. like granny smith just stait out told them, it would of been cooler if they went to her, you know to ask about theshit they found because it is HER HOUSE. And when Apple J goes to twilight to ask her about something, just to follow her and not ask when she could of before she got to the train. and if you at some think stuff to like, 'What the hay is going on here' thought Applejack as she push the cart of apples to the farm. just to know what she think and all that. and templers just don't say "oh we're back, now die" no make there talking all mysterious. I really like the idea, i mean I REALLY DO, but some needs a little work i can help if you want. Still goin to like and fav this
I still really like this story
5224454 Help is welcome. As I say on my AN note, I can't put every thing that I think of on there. If you have extra scenes or some to make some bigger, please send them, in PM of course. Take your time as well, it bee a while before Applejack next mission.
5224447
I guessing it will be Queen chrysalis.
Did you mean: natural?
Did you mean: walked?
Did you mean: moved?
Did you mean: around, a? (Missing comma)
Did you mean: looked?
Did you mean: that the times?
Did you mean: were?
This is present tense.
This is past tense (with the minor edit), make up your mind.
Did you mean: hoping? (Assuming AJ wasn't bouncing on one leg)
Either remove the "to" or the "ing".
Did you mean: in the crowd?
Did you mean: Says you're her prize pupil? (How can someone make Twi blush with bad grammar?)
I got some major things down, and I'm done with that. But you should really fix it yourself, there are so many tense errors. Decide whether you want it to be past or present tense because you keep switching (most people find past easier for fictional writing and most books are written this way, e.g. LOTR, Harry Potter, the Hobbit, Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, etc.). Basically, as Celestia so well said: She was confuse
And that's just the grammar, don't get me started on the plot, why show AB the assassin stuff, she's a child and vulnerable to manipulation from others. Celestia has been around for a while, how doesn't she know about this?
Also, I know you can use grammar because the A/N is almost perfect in comparison. (And yes, I bunked off early because repetitive mistakes are repetitive).
5224522 Yes and yes. Thank you.
5224563 That's true. I remember that.
5224547 I'm only 1/3 of the way though so far. You seem to miss out "ed" in a lot in words and there are a few tense issues with other verbs. I'm fairly sure I missed a few in the brief run over I'm doing. You keep writing things like, "She step forward." Instead of "She stepped forward."
It's 1:30am where I am, I really don't want to have to use effort to read.
5224596 That's fine, take your time.
5224604 It's like you can't decide whether to use present or past tense. You use words like ask instead of asked. I suggest you do a run through yourself once I'm done because, no offence, I'm not going to point out the same mistake multiple times, especially when it can be easily spotted and removed.
Also, this is meant to be in past tense right?
It looks like you took my suggestion and made it into a story
5224604 I'm done now, and for ideas I'd copy the games in some way. I think you should start with an intel mission of some kind, then have an encounter with a "boss" and get AJ almost killed because of it (either friends save her or she's spared as a message, except a message to whom, there's not many assassins).
Also, re-read your story multiple times before you post it - this probably wasn't re-read much. Oh, and make up your mind when it comes to tenses.
5224879 I'm just getting into Assassin's Creed. Some some thing about them are helpful.
Finally up huh. Now that's a nice start for the series and I got a good character theme for applejack. Its called rescue fire by the band jam project look up English translated version of the lyrics as the song is in japanese. Reason I picked this song as her theme is that she will possibly rescue a lot of lives and her personality is hot tempered when something threatens her family and if I remember right twilight is a honerary apple since she arrived in ponyville and so did the girls when competing against flim and flam. Thought it fit her best by the name alone.
And how about slice as Applejack's alias in her assassin garb it covers her cutie mark so the only thing seen is her hidden blades.
5224977 I have a little trouble making out what you just said, can you repeat that, slower?
5224563 well i think your right but i'm going to really play the game to see if your right (just cause i a little bit of an ass)
5225214 i came up with applejack or as I'm going to call her in her garb slice's character theme the song rescue fire by jam project.
5224447 I really like this story but I'm a little confused... in the description you said she was the last and it sounded like there wasn't going to be anymore... and now you just said there will be more... how many will there be?
5225711 I made it to where everyone thinks she the last Assassin because most of them went into hiding. As her adventures continue, She met more Assassin's.
5225725 oh okay
5225733 And this is not the only Pony Creed Story I'm writing. My next one is Pony Creed: Changeling.
5225735 Cool! also if your looking for ideas on how she can meet another assassin maybe she can get captured one of them finds out and they work together to get et out? idk I'm sloppy at ideas :P
5225741 One person told me about one of her friends getting kidnap and team with an Assassin that was over throw. That will start around either the third or fourth chapter. Can you guess who the Assassin in Pony Creed: Changeling? That same Assassin will appear in this story too!
how about main mission granny smith is killed big mac is captured and applejack and applebloom must escape sweet apple acers and head to neigh orlines
5272194 Dude, did you read the blog first?
5272565 sorry
5272609 It fine, just read the blog to understand what I want for this one.