• Member Since 18th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Jun 15th, 2020

Rainbow Factory Dash


Hai frens :3 I love CreepyPasta, bands, SNK and Death Note X3 I'm a genderfluid teen and I'm a panromantic asexual :D

T

After Twilight earned her wings, she came to the harsh reality that her friends and family would eventually die, and she'd live on without them. She'd have to go on without her best friends for the rest of her immortal life.
A few thousand years after their deaths, Twilight is still extremely depressed and mourning their deaths.
Twilight will never be able to spend a single second with them ever again.
But then, while exploring the Castle of the Two Sisters like she used to with her friends, she finds an old, magical amulet.
Thinking it was just another of the several lost ancient charms, she thought nothing of it, but kept it to figure out what it is.
Little did she know, she's in for the shock of her life.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 16 )

"Here Lies AppleJack, representing the Element of Honesty. She never lied to anypony."

derpicdn.net/img/2012/7/6/33923/medium.png

5121137
5122970
Exactly that wasn't her will that was part of Discord's plan to separate the mane six thus destroying their bond and power to use the Elements Of Harmony

5122970 Maybe she wasn't in her right mind, but she stilled lied! :derpytongue2: She also lied to her friends in the Last Roundup

I liked it! It was very sad. And… yeah! Are you writing a second chapter? :pinkiesad2:

Prediction:
Twilight finds new bearers for the elements of harmony.

5457533 Nice thought, but that isn't my intention :derpytongue2:

Oh, for crying out loud...

Do YOU miss all the friends you left behind?

Downvoted simply for taking a cliche and running with it into ad absurdum.

Believe me when I say that I mean this in the most constructive way. The dialogue in this story is incredibly dull. The characters do not show their individual personalities at all when they speak.

[Twilight followed her exuberate niece with her eyes and occasional swiveled her head to catch up with her. "Hello, Skyla. Did you enjoy the race?"
Skyla beamed at Twilight. "YES!"
Twilight laughed and smiled at Skyla. "Well, I'm glad to hear that." Twilight glanced over and saw that Celestia and Luna were walking up to the winners of the race. "Looks like the prizes are about to be given out, let's go, okay?"/quote]

Another pet peeve of mine is the use of words that are entirely capitalized for the purpose of emphasis. There are plenty of other ways of going about it. Italicizations is my personal favorite method of emphasis.

Many of the other characters don't seem to have a personality at all. For example: the fillies and colts that place in the top three of the race seem to be acting more like robots than ponies. ("Set phasers to hug!" And such.) a great way to bring a story to life is to show a bit of the actions going on during the conversation. A simple hoof-bump could make it a bit more interesting.

Just some food for thought
Arched Lightning

(10 years later)
Me: Oh hey, a new chapter of "The Price of Wings"

I'm gonna come back yearly until this updates.
It's been 3 God damn years.

Login or register to comment