(Cover art by Raikoh-illust!)
Scootaloo is given the chance of a lifetime. She has the chance to gain the one thing she was never even able to dream about... Flight. However, when her selfish actions cause everything to crumble around her, will she be able to recover and fix her mistakes?
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We'll I'm hooked. Though I think I know the two things the voice talked about. When will people learn that diembodied voices are not to be trusted?
Interesting... So either an eternal black flank for definite or possibly not able to fly...
Also going into observant mode here
, and if I am wrong please correct me but aren't cutie marks supposed to be "natural" talents. So take away the talent and give her the tools and what do we have left?....Or I am just overthinking things as usual
Oh and
well King Sombre anybody?
This voice may grant wishes, but I think he is more a trickster than wish maker.
I will be happily following this stories progress.
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I am glad you liked it so far, really nice to hear that all my work is even a little entertaining to read.
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Glad it is also making people think, and not to spoil anything, but there a few surprises left in this story yet.
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Apple_Bloom
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Zecora
Notice something in your story?
I like the story concept, but you aren't making it an easy read with stuff like that.
5261842
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. With Apple Bloom's name I was unsure of how to put it (I think I saw it somewhere as Applebloom) and the Zicora, Zecora thing was just an oversight on my part. I have already fixed Zicora to Zecora, and will be fixing Apple Bloom in all 3 chapters shortly.
5261879
Very good. It's a small fix, but it improves the story a lot. I always recommend to have a look at the wiki for every story feauture. Just seeing an image again or reading through the transcripts helps a lot to get all references right. And as you demonstrated, even easy things like names and colours are easily mistaken.
Now, let's wait for the point that Scootaloo regrets her decision
Wait a minute...
Are... are you by any chance writing this is the structure a Shakespeare structured tragedy?
So far:
Hero unfulfilled: Chapter 1: Scoot faces possibility of never flying
Hero tempted and accepts (usually tempted by someone shady and evil): Chapter 2: That weird voice in her dream
Hero achieves their goal/dream: Chapter 3 and possibly part of chapter 4: Wings grow and flying lessons
That leaves us with:
Things gradually start to go wrong and hero may resort to desperate and unwise actions that are irreversible
Hero losses control of the plot and an opposing force rises and closes in on him
Hero losses and is destroyed in some way(which I think would be loss of wings again)
But hey, I could just be over thinking things and the first three stages could be pure coincidence.
Or are they?
5262479
To be quite honest, I was not doing so intentionally. At the school I attended, we never really looked much into drama with any of the classes I had, and many of my teachers chose to overlook the history of literature to simply help solidify the basics, but when you put it that way, I suppose I have followed a Shakespeare style tragedy, though there are no promises to keep following the pattern... Nor to not follow it! I already know where I want to go, the journey is the part I am still deciding upon.
5264974 Fair enough, I just saw a pattern that reminded of my GCSE English course that is all. I do agree the journey is also what I find hardest when it comes to writing without just writing the answer.
Ilove the concept of this storyand most of the execution, my only critique is that the dialouge feels off in some places. Ponies talking a bit too formally or expositionally.
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I can understand you concerns over the dialog, which is a weak-point of mine when writing for existing characters. I do tend to see Princess Luna as one who would address ponies formally, especially in dire situations, and the same goes for Twilight. As for the dialog being a bit expositional, I would start to try and pass that off with Luna and Twilight as being in a 'supervising' position, while explaining things to, what they still envision, to be a child. It may be a bit stiff, sure, but who goes out of their way to use 'creative wording' when talking with a child about such serious matters?
That being said, once again I do realize this is a weak-point in my writing style, and that it something I could, and am currently, working to improve upon. I do appreciate the feedback, and will be sure to take it under special consideration from now on.
Oh, and I know I say this a lot, but thanks for sticking through with the story! Once again, this is my first ever published work, and I realize it is rough around the edges, but it means a lot to be told I am doing at least somewhat well. This also goes for the 43 or so other dedicated readers out there! As has been the trend so far, I hope to keep pushing out longer (and hopefully more detailed/entertaining) chapters. [/rant]
Sorry for long comment, I just always get so excited!
So, just a story update for all of those still watching and waiting for the next Chapter. The good news is, I am not dead, and actually have a bit already typed up for the next chapter. I was a bit delayed on this one because of traveling to Emerald City Comic Con, and also my preparations to attend the upcoming Everfree NW in Seattle. I hope to have the next chapter out by the end of the week, but afterward I will be doing something a bit different.
When I started this story, it was so I could get used to typing again. Now that I am getting comfortable with a pen/keyboard again, I will actually be going back to revise the first chapter, "The Price, Foretold". Nothing will be changed story-wise, I just am hoping to make it a bit of a better read, and more of an intro to the story. Afterward it is likely that I will be taking a bit more time on chapters. (Ever since I believe "A First and a Last Flight," I have not been writing it out before typing, and so the chapters have been a bit more... Unpolished overall.) I am hoping that these two changes will make this story even more exciting for those who have stuck with it!
Once again, thanks to everyone who has supported this story (and therefore me) with views and likes! I hope to set new standards with the coming chapters, and hope you continue (or start to) enjoy the story!
It's alive! :O
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Despite appearances, I wouldn't just up and abandon the story and leave everyone hanging. XD Besides, I normally have a lot of fun writing out these chapters. And also despite what people may WANT me to say, I can likely presume that this will not be the last delay you will see from me. :P I'll work to see if I can get another, more quality chapter out before EFNW, but odds are it will be a week or so after. Glad to see people are still interested in this though! Already have a plan being laid out for the next chapter, and quite honestly, from here on we may or may not see a sizable jump in content. Everything else has kind of been more of an intro (spoiler alert. No seriously, might be a bit of a spoiler after this, though nothing major or specific of course.) and the REAL plot starts now, with all the feels I am sure you all expect out of a "Sad" tag! That said, at the very least I estimate I have a good 4-6 chapters with around 5k words in each before I am even considering being finished, but if things go as I plan, we may start to see chapters in the range of 8-10k words before too long. A LOT to tell now, and all the time in the world to tell it. >:)
[aplauso]
Poor Scootaloo. Even today the show still continues to tease at her flying without actually giving it straight-up to her. Of course, envy for something you don't have can be both a good source of drive, but also a way to burn your bridges with others.
' I have help one pony to achieve their dreams of being recognized, and another to become a king that is still talked about today.'
Uhhh, that's a pretty good case of a half-truth right there. Poor Scoots would be terrified if she knew what the examples The Voice was talking about were. I suppose she just couldn't have patience and wait to see if she could fly on her own, either, but I imagine the voice set the dream up to trigger envy in her at just the right moment. Given it's hints of creating Nightmare Moon and King Sombra, it wouldn't surprise me.
Hmm, I wonder if Rainbow Dash's wingpower is suddenly being robbed from her for Scootaloo's body, given the comment Scootaloo made about Dash's wings.
Of course, I would have hoped Scootaloo could have come up with a better story than an unknown zebra, especially as she didn't even need to, unless her wings like REALLY grew overnight. But it sounds more like they only grew slightly instead.
That turned pretty dark near the end there. Crushing for Scootaloo, given her own family apparently rejected her out of hand.
Seems I was right about Dash's flight being lost in exchange for Scootaloo's. Well, at least Luna seems to actually recognise what went down and informs Scootaloo as such. Just wish she'd be a bit more genre-savvy to realise Scoots probably needs therapy of some sort or just somepony to talk to in her dreams every night from now on, if nothing else than to prevent some sort of disaster from happening. Or some sort of exposition on how strong the Voice has to be to affect Luna and only be stopped by the Elements of Harmony.
Of course, if there's no way to reverse it, Scootaloo still has to live with the status quo. Of course, if Dash's flight was the price for her flight, that means she can still get her Cutie Mark, but then her lie is exposed.
And so now the truth comes out, to the other two CMC, and presumably Zecora if she was still listening in.
Leave it to the CMC in any case to stumble upon some thousand-year-old power by accident that can heal Rainbow Dash.
Looks like the Shadow was serious about severing all of Scootaloo's bonds. DAY-AMN!
Fight, Scootaloo! For everlasting peace.
There seems to be a maxim (and hell, I even wrote a story on it) that if you don't kill Scootaloo early on, she becomes exponentially harder to kill until she's capable of surviving Apocalypse-level events. That Shadow won't know what hit it.
Eh, I can't say I really like how the fight went down. Halfway through when Pinkie started throwing her party streamers around, I expected this to turn into a sort of 'Evil cannot comprehend love and peace' type ending where Malevolence would kill itself rather than try to put up with love and hope, and instead we got what happened.
Huh, so Scoots still didn't get to fly after that whole thing. I guess seeing what happened the first time she flew makes her a little less anxious about it, though.
Wow, been so busy with 'real' life, that I haven't had the chance to sit down and check FimFiction properly for a while. (A whole "computer wipe" didn't really help with that either.) First off:
6489469
Thanks for taking the time to not only read, but reply to my story as well!
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6489605
I am glad you were able to piece that together. I was doing my best to give hints as to what was happening, without outright giving it away before its time, which is something I have never tried in a story before now. I am assuming it wasn't TOO obvious? I mean, the whole 'King Sombra and Nightmare Moon' thing was suppose to be a bit obvious.
6490889
I am glad that it appeared that you liked the story up to this point! And I am also sorry if the fight was a bit lackluster. (I had wanted to deliver a bit of an action scene, without it completely taking over the story.) Because of that, I did cut it a bit shorter than I had originally intended, because the fight was not the real story-plot at the time, or at least was not intended to be, which is why there is less of a focus on the battle between them all in detail. Gonna throw this in a spoiler for light spoilers towards the end of the story. The actual point I was attempting to get across with Malevolence, was that he was not actually "evil", but was instead attempting to save the world from a warped point of view. And honestly, when Scootaloo helped him to see clearly, he essentially did give up his life, seeing as the power he used to anchor himself in the Dream Realm faded away, and he willingly let it happen. (Sorry if that part was not too clear.)
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I think what I said in the Epilogue stand true still. Scootaloo may be unable to fly, but what she found was that it was not what was most important to her. After all she had been through, she realized that her friends and 'sister' where so much more important to her. I had really intended this story to be thought provoking for people, and I'll be honest. It may have been my first published story, and it did FAR better that I had hoped it would, but I am still not 100% satisfied with the overall story. I know I have a lot of room for improvement, and hopefully I can one day come back to it, sit down, and do the idea a bit more justice.
Thanks again, Emperor, for taking the time to read and comment. The insight into my story, and the twists and turns I attempted was very helpful for me!
I cried multiple times during this fic if you can make me do that
than you sir have made a great first fic
the grammar was great
7012184
Ah, thank you very much for the kind words! It really means a lot that my story has that sort of emotional impact, it is what I strive for. I am glad that you so enjoyed the story! Hoping to have more like it coming before too (much) long(er)!
Be careful wishing on a monkey's paw Scootaloo.
...
Well that happened. Nice story, interesting ending and epilogue, and nice chapter naming scheme.