Dude... I honestly forgot I fav'd this one! Such a pleasent surprise!! Yeah... Blueblood is royally fucked! Though I do hope that's not a literal thing I don't like Blueblood!
Wait, Blueblood? Well, I guess he technically counts as 'royalty' so he may have a vested interest, but still, Blueblood? Looking forward to more. Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
Depending on if you make horns an erogenous zone, technically Dash, by licking it without permission, has committed the crime of sexual assault rather than some general crime of treating princesses.
I'm also not sure how I stand on this. The people persuing her are getting close to the creepy line. I think you did a pretty good job of getting close to that line without crossing it but you're still pretty close with this for me. I'm almost getting the "I'm going to rape you and you'll like it" vibe and thats not a good thing at all. I did like the backstory but my thought about that is: Twilight is a princess. The wonderbolts are a military organization. Twilight could easily make Spitfire's life a nightmare with her power over the military.
While this is a really good chapter, I would like to say that the backstory with the Wonderbolts and Twilight training for the celebration felt a little out of place, kind of like it should be its own, standalone story rather than a passage in this one. I'm not saying that it should be expanded - just that it might be better if it were cut out of here and put into its own story.
1) The conversation between Luna and the Wonderbolts got awfully rapey... that wasn't how the 'bolts played it but... it does call to question whether that was how Luna meant it. 2) Prince Blueblood, is he sincerely trying to help from some sense of self preservation or is he trying to sabotage her by burying her under golddiggers and ladder-climbers? It is hard to tell because we only got a little bit of the flyer so we don't know how much of the truth was on the flyer and how much of it was enticing lies.
I really liked this chapter, but half of it was only tangentially related.
I've never been find of flashbacks... They are like spoilers, just in reverse. You already know how it ends, and it takes time and attention away from what's happening RIGHT NOW to show what happened in the past.
All in all, this is great stuff. But I think that the academy section would be better off as a standalone story that just gets referenced in this one.
It took some time for Rainbow's giggles to die down. “So what about Soarin huh? You didn't let hm do anything with his stallion parts. Got a special harem member in mind that you're saving it for?”
I really liked the first chapter, but don't like this one at all. Twilight should have been WAY more resistant to actually accepting a harem, to the point ponies are wondering if she even wants to be a princess and the fact that 90% of this was just a flashback to a story really bugged me. The Twilight at Wonderbolts camp was totally uninteresting and disconnected from this and I hope future chapters won't just be about how Twilight met the ponies who want to join her harem.
5097062 The thing is he can't make all the ponies fall in love with Twilight without her having had interacted with them in the first place the back story actually show that the princess has build a relationship with the three wonderbolts before they decided to join her harem.
To me ponies joining Twilights harem without a reason would make as much sense as how pinkie pie appears in random places at random times. At least that is what it would look to me
Taking a breath, the gray pegasus reached deep inside her bag and pulled out an emergency ration. A chocolate muffin. Taking a bite, her defeated look turned into one of determination, the remainder of the muffin disappearing back into her bag as she raced after them.
this was...only okay. it was specifically stated that Twilight doesn't actually want a harem, but she gave in so easily. and the flashback, while kind of fun, didn't have anything to do with the rest of the story. the next few chapters should really show Twilight being more conflicted with this, and possibly taking more actions to secretly help the nobles.
I like the story and I'm keeping it on my favorites list. However, the training flashback ran too long and Twilight's shift from "Nope" to "O.K." on the harem thing happened too swiftly once they cornered her. So, I'm still following, but it was a step down from the first chapter.
I second the no blueblood clop motion! In all seriousness though good stuff, the flashback was maybe a bit long but in general convayed Twi's history with the wonderbolts well and gave a little more justification for them wanting to join her harem. I look forward to chapter 3.
5096708 Well, if he pulls this off right, it'll be "fiction with sex", and he's doing a pretty good job so far, IMO. "Fiction and sex"?"Sex with story"?Dare I say it, "porn with plot"?
I liked this chapter, but I found that once again the problem is having a long section in the middle only loosely related to the overall plot. Now in fairness it did set up elements that would come into play in the main plot (like characterization, how the rings work, Twilights flying skills, and most importantly why the heck these ponies would want to be part of Twilights harem) but it still felt awkwardly jammed into the narrative, like a whole separate chapter. Also, bluntly, I didn't enjoy using all the old boot camp/sports camp clichés, like the gruff instructor who yells and belittle's everyone (granted that's how she acted in the show) and the constant "push your limits work harder" stuff and the person starting off miserable and coming at the end to see it all as a valuable experience and to appreciate their instructor, who still criticizes and calls them names even after its all over, ect. The whole section was paint by numbers, now granted it was well done, but still very predictable. Frankly it was so darn formulaic that a part of me honestly wanted Twilight to tell Spitfire that she would indeed consider the training a waste if she didn't impress the princess and that she thinks Spitfire is a terrible jerk and never wants to see her again after the training is over and she honestly wishes she hadn't had to learn to fly because the benefits honestly don't seem worth the misery, and then declare after the celebration that the next years celebration will have to be all grounded because the camp made her realize that she hates flying and so she intends to stay grounded for the next decade or so, just for a change of pace. The rest of the plot is much more interesting, and the twist with blueblood I certainly didn't see coming. I'm enjoying this, but I think it would be a stronger story if you found a way to work the characterization and plotpoints into the present shenanigans, without resorting to so many lengthy flashbacks.
Alternatively, perhaps it would work better if the flashbacks were in their own separate chapters, I've seen some stories do something similar, it would at least flow better that way.
I knew it. I fucking knew it. You couldn't keep your story coherent and sensible, you just had to go and fucking ignore the wonderful buildup and do a near copy of every other Twilight-harem story. You had such a good set-up of a reluctant Twilight, one who might come out of her shell and become intimate, but would never allow a harem. Then you ruined it.
The flashback was ridiculously long-winded and poorly integrated. Clearly you were trying to introduce the damn Wonderbolts as perfect for Twilight's harem, but all you did was make me more pissed off because I could see what was coming! Shit! I was so hoping this story would be original, but undoubtedly it will simply turn into a clop-fest. Note, there's nothing wrong with a clop-fest, but you teased just enough in the description and the first chapter that you go my hopes up for it actually having substance. I thought, foolishly it seems, that this might be a deconstruction of the harem genre, but no, you played it straight and did what everyone else does.
So I say fie! Fie on you, for your tacky unoriginal, derivative plot choices.
Oh, and I thought the entire flashback was ridiculously OOC for Twilight, as she is no military grunt, no mindlessly-obedient drone. Perhaps her flight skills bothered you and so this is your headcanon, but it really seems ridiculous that Twilight would accept her magic being stopped up and drive herself to exhaustion flying when she could take the same approach to it as she does every other thing in life, methodically and planned out so as to optimize her schedule and talents.
5099670 I could have been less aggressive, but I typed that in real-time rant mode. My comment accurately displays how this turn of events made me feel. I'm really disappointed the story turned out like this and I'm glad that I used plenty of cursing and a little belittlement, because I want the author to have the same reaction when he reads my comment that I had when I read this chapter.
Oh yeah, I'm looking forward to next chapter. Twilight's going to start beating up Blueblood, then Celestia will arrive and stop her. Then Twilight's going to get mad as Tatarus at Celestia cause she knows Celestia deliberately ruined her attempt at taking a break. There will be much angry Twilight.
Apologies, but I stopped reading as soon as Spitfire put the magic dampener on Twilight's horn..getting a little too close to forcing themselves on her/rape for my liking (trying to change someones view/decisions by force - in this case leading to the harem situation).
I have no problem with the flashback. Something was needed to show why the Wonderbolts would be willing to join the Harem; and why Twilight would accept them.
The Wonderbolt backstory was nice. But it should've been a standalone one-shot. Seriously, relative to its length, it has very little relevance to the main plot.
So Twilight had to go through training to do the ceremony thing, and made friends with Fleetfoot, Soarin, and Spitfire. So what? Virtually nothing happened that would seriously suggest the beginnings of a romantic or sexual bond. A few glances at Fleet's butt isn't enough, and the massage that turned a tad sexual struck me more as slightly raunchy humor than Imma-fuck-you-someday foreshadowing.
All the relevant information from the backstory could have been worked into the dialogue. "Oh, Twilight needed to learn to fly really well really quickly, so she worked her ass off in training and formed a strong friendship with us." That's it. No need to write several thousand words describing every detail. I had a similar issue with that Wonderbolt outfit story in the first chapter.
Also, maybe it's partially my wanting the story to go in a different direction, but fleeing your would-be harem at top speed and then saying, "Oh, you know what, let's fuck after all" feels like the biggest 180 I've seen in a while. And maybe I don't remember the last chapter well or something, but Dash's "I have wanted to eat your crotch all my life" seems extremely sudden. Mare, drop some hints, flirt a little, blush a little.
...Or maybe Dash just has a desire to fuck everything that moves. That seems to often be the case in fanon.
A great chapter. I'll admit Twilight did seem to give in a bit too quickly. But I could see that as a temporary measure to deal with the mounting frustration of all this. Between Luna's crash course, Celestia's own plans and the wonderbolts also being a bit to aggressive. Not to mention Dash coming out of nowhere to basically make this a hopeless Boss Battle that Twilight couldn't win.
I'll admit while I like clop myself I skipped it here because I think it came too soon (pardon the pun) for this. Twlight should be putting up more of a fight here, You hinted that's she's a bit repressed yourself and seeing how she did this to try and get some breathing room and some more prep time before being flung into politics once more as while she wishes to do her part as the show tells us we've yet to see any real proof that she's had any kind of training for this. And while a fast learner and not one to give up the sink or swim method isn't really Twilight' speed and while royalty tends to have to learn about politics, diplomacy, and the like through it this is a tad much considering that Twilight's not really even ready to date someone and her fields of expertise seem to be advanced magical studies/theory/ spell crafting and... world saving she's got no ground to work with here. No real starting place.
As for the flashback? While I'll admit it was rather long I think it was needed and I quite enjoyed it so I had no problem with it. Though I wonder if there isn't a way to work these flashbacks in without them interfering with the flow of the events in present time more?
Derpy was a fun little distraction and it was a welcome bit of humor. As for Blueblood? While I want to see fans actually give him the benefit of the doubt more then they do (something oddly Trixie gets handed on a silver platter and Glida has fifty/fifty odds on.) I agree he needs a smack upside the head for that little stunt.
Well, now... Blueblood endorses this little charade? Interesting.
Actually, I don't think Twilight is in a position to do much to Blueblood, lest she reveals that this is all a stunt by herself. Now, if Blueblood is actually truly trying to help his fellow royal (it can be out of a selfish desire to get in her good graces; it doesn't even have to be sinister), then it'll really put her in quite a bind.
I almost died laughing at some of the things that went down this chapter, but I can be easily amused sometimes so eh. But I seriously thought at the end there it was Inkwell, not Blueblood, so when it was Blueblood I nearly fell out of my chair. Lovin' this story man keep up the good work.
Also, I cringe for the inevitable union of Twi-Pie.
I'm hoping that at least one non-pony joins Twilight's harem.
By the way, I forgot if Twilight is immortal in this story, so this question might be irrelevant, but once the harem members die of old age, does she have to get replacements?
i believe only one thing could possibly work for this situation
DUN DUN DUNNNNN!
Dude... I honestly forgot I fav'd this one! Such a pleasent surprise!!
Yeah... Blueblood is royally fucked!
Though I do hope that's not a literal thing I don't like Blueblood!
Holy shit that was really effing good!
oh he is so dead very dead :pinkiesmile :twilightangry2
Poor Derpy
At least she had some "solid courage" to help her out.
No problem with 'Mature' and 'Sex', for me after Equestria Apocalyptica
my only question is: this will be a "fiction of sex" or "fiction and story" ?
Yep... dead pony walking.
Brilliant chapter. Blueblood's fucked, though.
Wait, Blueblood? Well, I guess he technically counts as 'royalty' so he may have a vested interest, but still, Blueblood? Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
I'm surprised she didn't drop into the lake. Give her time to get the ring off and teleport. Or have a chance to overload it.
Can't Twilight choose a Prince consort to avoid the harem?
Wow, I really like how this story is shaping out.
Do write more, this is delightfully exciting!
Depending on if you make horns an erogenous zone, technically Dash, by licking it without permission, has committed the crime of sexual assault rather than some general crime of treating princesses.
I'm also not sure how I stand on this. The people persuing her are getting close to the creepy line. I think you did a pretty good job of getting close to that line without crossing it but you're still pretty close with this for me. I'm almost getting the "I'm going to rape you and you'll like it" vibe and thats not a good thing at all. I did like the backstory but my thought about that is: Twilight is a princess. The wonderbolts are a military organization. Twilight could easily make Spitfire's life a nightmare with her power over the military.
While this is a really good chapter, I would like to say that the backstory with the Wonderbolts and Twilight training for the celebration felt a little out of place, kind of like it should be its own, standalone story rather than a passage in this one. I'm not saying that it should be expanded - just that it might be better if it were cut out of here and put into its own story.
Ah come on, it was going so well down the whole non-harem rout, it was interesting and different. Then this.
I feel kinda dissapointed. Will keep an eye on it, though.
1) The conversation between Luna and the Wonderbolts got awfully rapey... that wasn't how the 'bolts played it but... it does call to question whether that was how Luna meant it.
2) Prince Blueblood, is he sincerely trying to help from some sense of self preservation or is he trying to sabotage her by burying her under golddiggers and ladder-climbers? It is hard to tell because we only got a little bit of the flyer so we don't know how much of the truth was on the flyer and how much of it was enticing lies.
5096568 Nope that's chocolate courage, Solid wouldn't cut it.
I really liked this chapter, but half of it was only tangentially related.
I've never been find of flashbacks... They are like spoilers, just in reverse. You already know how it ends, and it takes time and attention away from what's happening RIGHT NOW to show what happened in the past.
All in all, this is great stuff. But I think that the academy section would be better off as a standalone story that just gets referenced in this one.
*juvenile sniggering*
Was that stealth pun deliberate?
I really liked the first chapter, but don't like this one at all. Twilight should have been WAY more resistant to actually accepting a harem, to the point ponies are wondering if she even wants to be a princess and the fact that 90% of this was just a flashback to a story really bugged me. The Twilight at Wonderbolts camp was totally uninteresting and disconnected from this and I hope future chapters won't just be about how Twilight met the ponies who want to join her harem.
5097062
The thing is he can't make all the ponies fall in love with Twilight without her having had interacted with them in the first place the back story actually show that the princess has build a relationship with the three wonderbolts before they decided to join her harem.
To me ponies joining Twilights harem without a reason would make as much sense as how pinkie pie appears in random places at random times. At least that is what it would look to me
Good
And my brain immediately pulled up this music:
5096746
I've got to say your avatar was perfect for that comment.
5098747 ohh ya huh. Lol.
this was...only okay. it was specifically stated that Twilight doesn't actually want a harem, but she gave in so easily. and the flashback, while kind of fun, didn't have anything to do with the rest of the story. the next few chapters should really show Twilight being more conflicted with this, and possibly taking more actions to secretly help the nobles.
That was one big flashback...
I like the story and I'm keeping it on my favorites list. However, the training flashback ran too long and Twilight's shift from "Nope" to "O.K." on the harem thing happened too swiftly once they cornered her. So, I'm still following, but it was a step down from the first chapter.
I second the no blueblood clop motion!
In all seriousness though good stuff, the flashback was maybe a bit long but in general convayed Twi's history with the wonderbolts well and gave a little more justification for them wanting to join her harem. I look forward to chapter 3.
5096708
Well, if he pulls this off right, it'll be "fiction with sex", and he's doing a pretty good job so far, IMO.
"Fiction and sex"? "Sex with story"? Dare I say it, "porn with plot"?
I liked this chapter, but I found that once again the problem is having a long section in the middle only loosely related to the overall plot. Now in fairness it did set up elements that would come into play in the main plot (like characterization, how the rings work, Twilights flying skills, and most importantly why the heck these ponies would want to be part of Twilights harem) but it still felt awkwardly jammed into the narrative, like a whole separate chapter. Also, bluntly, I didn't enjoy using all the old boot camp/sports camp clichés, like the gruff instructor who yells and belittle's everyone (granted that's how she acted in the show) and the constant "push your limits work harder" stuff and the person starting off miserable and coming at the end to see it all as a valuable experience and to appreciate their instructor, who still criticizes and calls them names even after its all over, ect. The whole section was paint by numbers, now granted it was well done, but still very predictable. Frankly it was so darn formulaic that a part of me honestly wanted Twilight to tell Spitfire that she would indeed consider the training a waste if she didn't impress the princess and that she thinks Spitfire is a terrible jerk and never wants to see her again after the training is over and she honestly wishes she hadn't had to learn to fly because the benefits honestly don't seem worth the misery, and then declare after the celebration that the next years celebration will have to be all grounded because the camp made her realize that she hates flying and so she intends to stay grounded for the next decade or so, just for a change of pace. The rest of the plot is much more interesting, and the twist with blueblood I certainly didn't see coming. I'm enjoying this, but I think it would be a stronger story if you found a way to work the characterization and plotpoints into the present shenanigans, without resorting to so many lengthy flashbacks.
Alternatively, perhaps it would work better if the flashbacks were in their own separate chapters, I've seen some stories do something similar, it would at least flow better that way.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Fucking shit!
I knew it. I fucking knew it. You couldn't keep your story coherent and sensible, you just had to go and fucking ignore the wonderful buildup and do a near copy of every other Twilight-harem story. You had such a good set-up of a reluctant Twilight, one who might come out of her shell and become intimate, but would never allow a harem. Then you ruined it.
The flashback was ridiculously long-winded and poorly integrated. Clearly you were trying to introduce the damn Wonderbolts as perfect for Twilight's harem, but all you did was make me more pissed off because I could see what was coming! Shit!
I was so hoping this story would be original, but undoubtedly it will simply turn into a clop-fest. Note, there's nothing wrong with a clop-fest, but you teased just enough in the description and the first chapter that you go my hopes up for it actually having substance. I thought, foolishly it seems, that this might be a deconstruction of the harem genre, but no, you played it straight and did what everyone else does.
So I say fie! Fie on you, for your tacky unoriginal, derivative plot choices.
Oh, and I thought the entire flashback was ridiculously OOC for Twilight, as she is no military grunt, no mindlessly-obedient drone. Perhaps her flight skills bothered you and so this is your headcanon, but it really seems ridiculous that Twilight would accept her magic being stopped up and drive herself to exhaustion flying when she could take the same approach to it as she does every other thing in life, methodically and planned out so as to optimize her schedule and talents.
5099543
It's valid criticism, but you couldn't have worded that slightly less aggressively?
Oh and I thought the flashback might have been it's own chapter, but otherwise enjoying the story so far.
5099670
I could have been less aggressive, but I typed that in real-time rant mode. My comment accurately displays how this turn of events made me feel. I'm really disappointed the story turned out like this and I'm glad that I used plenty of cursing and a little belittlement, because I want the author to have the same reaction when he reads my comment that I had when I read this chapter.
5098731
You sir are my hero now.
What is thinking at the end of the chapter:
mememaker.net/static/images/memes/240094.jpg
Oh yeah, I'm looking forward to next chapter. Twilight's going to start beating up Blueblood, then Celestia will arrive and stop her. Then Twilight's going to get mad as Tatarus at Celestia cause she knows Celestia deliberately ruined her attempt at taking a break. There will be much angry Twilight.
Apologies, but I stopped reading as soon as Spitfire put the magic dampener on Twilight's horn..getting a little too close to forcing themselves on her/rape for my liking (trying to change someones view/decisions by force - in this case leading to the harem situation).
Oooh.........
I have no problem with the flashback. Something was needed to show why the Wonderbolts would be willing to join the Harem; and why Twilight would accept them.
The Wonderbolt backstory was nice. But it should've been a standalone one-shot. Seriously, relative to its length, it has very little relevance to the main plot.
So Twilight had to go through training to do the ceremony thing, and made friends with Fleetfoot, Soarin, and Spitfire. So what? Virtually nothing happened that would seriously suggest the beginnings of a romantic or sexual bond. A few glances at Fleet's butt isn't enough, and the massage that turned a tad sexual struck me more as slightly raunchy humor than Imma-fuck-you-someday foreshadowing.
All the relevant information from the backstory could have been worked into the dialogue. "Oh, Twilight needed to learn to fly really well really quickly, so she worked her ass off in training and formed a strong friendship with us." That's it. No need to write several thousand words describing every detail. I had a similar issue with that Wonderbolt outfit story in the first chapter.
Also, maybe it's partially my wanting the story to go in a different direction, but fleeing your would-be harem at top speed and then saying, "Oh, you know what, let's fuck after all" feels like the biggest 180 I've seen in a while. And maybe I don't remember the last chapter well or something, but Dash's "I have wanted to eat your crotch all my life" seems extremely sudden. Mare, drop some hints, flirt a little, blush a little.
...Or maybe Dash just has a desire to fuck everything that moves. That seems to often be the case in fanon.
It's called a 'cuddle puddle', jeez.
A great chapter. I'll admit Twilight did seem to give in a bit too quickly. But I could see that as a temporary measure to deal with the mounting frustration of all this. Between Luna's crash course, Celestia's own plans and the wonderbolts also being a bit to aggressive. Not to mention Dash coming out of nowhere to basically make this a hopeless Boss Battle that Twilight couldn't win.
I'll admit while I like clop myself I skipped it here because I think it came too soon (pardon the pun) for this. Twlight should be putting up more of a fight here, You hinted that's she's a bit repressed yourself and seeing how she did this to try and get some breathing room and some more prep time before being flung into politics once more as while she wishes to do her part as the show tells us we've yet to see any real proof that she's had any kind of training for this. And while a fast learner and not one to give up the sink or swim method isn't really Twilight' speed and while royalty tends to have to learn about politics, diplomacy, and the like through it this is a tad much considering that Twilight's not really even ready to date someone and her fields of expertise seem to be advanced magical studies/theory/ spell crafting and... world saving she's got no ground to work with here. No real starting place.
As for the flashback? While I'll admit it was rather long I think it was needed and I quite enjoyed it so I had no problem with it. Though I wonder if there isn't a way to work these flashbacks in without them interfering with the flow of the events in present time more?
Derpy was a fun little distraction and it was a welcome bit of humor. As for Blueblood? While I want to see fans actually give him the benefit of the doubt more then they do (something oddly Trixie gets handed on a silver platter and Glida has fifty/fifty odds on.) I agree he needs a smack upside the head for that little stunt.
I thought it was good....
Well, now... Blueblood endorses this little charade? Interesting.
Actually, I don't think Twilight is in a position to do much to Blueblood, lest she reveals that this is all a stunt by herself. Now, if Blueblood is actually truly trying to help his fellow royal (it can be out of a selfish desire to get in her good graces; it doesn't even have to be sinister), then it'll really put her in quite a bind.
... Maybe he wants to start his own harem O_O
5099996 If Spitfire could put it on with a hoof, Twilight can take it off with one.
I almost died laughing at some of the things that went down this chapter, but I can be easily amused sometimes so eh.
But I seriously thought at the end there it was Inkwell, not Blueblood, so when it was Blueblood I nearly fell out of my chair.
Lovin' this story man keep up the good work.
Also, I cringe for the inevitable union of Twi-Pie.
I'm hoping that at least one non-pony joins Twilight's harem.
By the way, I forgot if Twilight is immortal in this story, so this question might be irrelevant, but once the harem members die of old age, does she have to get replacements?
5100961 "Cuddle puddle"? Like a mud puddle for cuddles?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/11/17/474669__rainbow+dash_nudity_anthro_shipping_blushing_questionable_breasts_lesbian_spitfire_30+minute+art+challenge.jpg
5105008
No, a puddle of cuddles.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/7/10/671663__safe_rainbow+dash_pinkie+pie_fluttershy_rarity_applejack_spike_cute_upvotes+galore_filly.png
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/9/16/723138__safe_twilight+sparkle_rainbow+dash_pinkie+pie_fluttershy_rarity_applejack_smile_upvotes+galore_mane+six.png
It's like having a fuzzy mattress, but it's always warm. And snuggly.