• Member Since 28th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 25th, 2015

UrsaMinor


How was this username not taken?

T

Pinkie has a crush on Twilight. Twilight doesn't really think about that sort of thing often.
Drinking tea always helps with meaningful conversations like that.

The image was created by the artist ranban and was not used with permission. Please check out their other work in the link provided.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 40 )

Haha, nice! I'm not sure what it is, but the place where you ended it made it so much more enjoyable somehow. Good work!

I suggest looking at one of the popular stories, comparing the way they structure, pace and write their stuff.
Because i found this very hard to read.

Not bad, in fact, rather amusing and cute:twilightsmile:
Bit short to really be more than that. but then, I feel it wouldn't be the same if it was dragged out further.

Just one gripe, really- It's normal to go down a line with each new speaker, but it always looks much nicer on here if you leave two lines, so there's an actual gap. Small point, but helps make it look better:) That's mainly personal though, sorry for mentioning it if you don't agree:P

YES A TWIPIE! :rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss: So reading this! :twilightsmile:

Awwww bechod :pinkiesad2:

Wow... the characterization looked perfect, but it was way too short. And was really hard for me to read. But I am enjoying it so far, but you should really fix the pace, and the ending dialogue. Like "says" A nice said, would be fine. "Smiles" Smiled could do. So yeah, just fix those two and it would be a great fan-fiction. :unsuresweetie: And I will be continue reading this, since it looks interesting so far. :twilightsmile:

What, was the title written by cthulu?

I don't know how to feel about this. I mean, it's not.... bad...but it's not amazing either.

4924674 It's Welsh. :ajbemused:

Basically means: She isn't happy

4924743 Hey, i don't know welsh. To me it looks like something from Lovecraftian Horror.

4924359
4924364
You guys know there's going to be more, right?

4924439
I just like to write in present tense, I guess. Is that what's making it hard to read? Thanks for the support, in any case!

4924361
What's making it hard to read? I really am interested in knowing. Maybe I can fix it!

4924739
That sounds about right, to be fair.

4924743
I can confirm that this is true!

4924791
The Welsh language does that kind of thing. Lots of hard, throaty noises and rolling r's. Having a South-Walian accent makes it very sing-songy though. South Wales has a delightful accent.

Present tense is generally cute but WRONG.
Also I once slapped the keys for a few seconds. Accidentally a "my hovercraft is full of eels" sentence in Welsh according to my Welshfriend.

... WAIT. I need a video clip of you running.
So that I can show it round and me'n the blokes will finally know what a Welshman looks like when he runs.
(Inside joke is ninny-running = "runs like a Welshman")

4924920 I don't care were your from but The stories here need to be English not your non English accent.

:facehoof:

Hmm... this looks interesting. I prefer past tense to present, but I'll read it anyway. That's just me. Also, there's a few grammatical errors. Nothing too bad though; a proofing could get rid of them.

But you've used a lot of LUS. "The pink mare", "The librarian", "The fluffy mare". It's not bad, but it's kind of overused. I get what you're going for, and I didn't count how many times you just stated Twilight and Pinkie, but it sticks out.

However, this does look interesting, so I'm going to follow this. And it's a TwiPie. How can I turn that down?

4924920
There's a lot of dialogue, and not a lot of "meat" on the rest, very short thought processes inbetween dialogue and their actions are very few.
Sadly i can go no, but the thing is you need more of everything but dialogue.
If i get to be so bold, i'd say you have this picture in your head, and you wrote it the way you saw it all happening, but many detaisl maybe got left out? things that you just "know" are happening around them, like colours of the room, stray books or other details, but we readers can't see that unless you show us, with words.
You should try to describe more things, even if it's borderline trivial things, it gives more depth.

Those are my 2 cents, i might be wrong, but it's how i felt when reading it.

4926563
I know it's overused, and I get bored with that stuff too, but I don't know what else to refer to them as. There are only so many things you can refer to a character as, and I can't think of any more.
Or maybe not doing that, and just sticking to the names would be better... Or using names a lot more and only switching it up in some circumstances. I think I'll try doing that for the next chapter.

And everyone prefers past tense, so there's nothing to worry or apologise about there.

4926624
I don't know what colours the room are! Twilight's kitchen could be greyscale for all I know. I don't know the details because I haven't put any thought into them. The way the room looks, to me, is irrelevant because the story is about character interactions. Describing trivial things like what the cooker is doing just seems kind-of vapid, it feels like an excuse to push to 1,000 words per chapter.

In terms of character actions and thought processes, I can definitely try to put more of that in, though I suppose they weren't doing much because they were sat around in a kitchen at two in the morning.

4925396
But it is in English! The title is really just a label.
Thinking of unique story titles is hard! Welsh is an obscure language, so a Welsh title is something unique and interesting (I would hope!).

4924920
Totally didn't see that 'incomplete' thing:twilightsheepish:
Yeah, I'm definitely following this now.

4926976
While character interaction drives a story forward, it's like traveling through a tunnel, instead of through a wonderful landscape.
The tiny, minute details make the story come to life, the descriptions of what happens around the characters helps create a sense of life.

I hope you see what i mean, if you focus on interactions, you'll get a very gray story, which feels very streamlined, while it can be good, it can aslo be bad.
I'd say i've only read very few stories that focused on interactions that were a good read.

I'm far from a professional writer, i've just read a lot of things, In english and Swedish, so excuse my english.

I hope you can evolve your writing, for your own sake and your readers.
Because seeing a scene with one or more characters, and seeing more than their interactive lines, is rather nice.

Good luck and take care.
I'mma follow you and see how your next story or chapter pans out.

What's with the Latin name?

While I am also on the bandwagon of preferring past-tense to present, the dialogue/character interactions were entertaining enough that I smiled while reading it. Enough so that I'll upvote, anyway.

That cliffhanger, though... :trixieshiftright:

Looking forward to when you continue it.

4930644 It's Welsh! An obscure language from the part of the UK that I'm from and one that I wish I was fluent in.

4930837
Thank you very much! It might take a while to get the next part up, since I write very slowly. I do have a little bit down already though.

4931251

Okay, so what's with the Welsh name?

I liked this! The present tense was fine, and I actually liked the pace. There's not a lot that actually happened, and dragging it out would have only made that worse. The characters made themselves plenty clear. The only thing I'd say (which I thought other people were talking about, but maybe not) is that newlines generally look better than indentation for web-reading. Space out the paragraphs rather than have jittering left edge. Anyways, I look forward to more.

Also Twilight definitely had a crush on Cadance, yes.

4950980 OH! Now I get it! I'll do that now.

Heh...
This was nice.
:pinkiesmile::heart::twilightsmile:

5336355 That's a good question. I am very lazy, I'm afraid. I'll take another look at the next chapter and see if I can get a few more words down before bed.

5356643 actually looking back on it, I don't think you need more, the ending is nice.

5356736 Too bad, chapter 2 is done now! Things need to get sad and conflicty.

5356943 why are the titles written in Welsh?:rainbowhuh:

You really need to read over your dialogue. The conversations are very awkward.

5357119 To make them interesting and draw people's attention.

5357811 Wow, good call. I've re-worded a bunch of stuff (mostly in the second half, during the conversation with Spike) so now it should read more naturally, I hope.

I also added italics to stress words, tell me if that's awful.

Here, enjoy cute Yuitsu.
blog-imgs-60.fc2.com/a/y/u/ayutube/news4vip_1377951102_2001s.jpg

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