Love Potions and Socks

fireflutterpony #1 · Apr 20th, 2012 · · ·

Bog-standard Rarishy story, reasonably executed in terms of story flow, but needs serious polish and proofreading. The only really fun sparks in it, Fluttershy drugging up a fuck-buddy for Angel and Rarity needing to be inoculated against the potion in case of attempted date-rape by Spike, are comic asides - the meat of the story is paint-by-numbers stuff, I'm afraid.

For a first story, not too bad.

Butterbeaner

Butterbeaner #2 · Apr 20th, 2012 · · ·

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Not terrific
But good for a first try
K

Shrinky Frod

Shrinky Frod #3 · Apr 20th, 2012 · · ·

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It could work well with a couple of editing passes. Right now, the grammar errors and such keep snagging me as I read through it, but with a good editor, it's got some potential. Particularly if the tension gets played up a bit more after Fluttershy meets Rarity for the night.

Eustatian Wings

Eustatian Wings #4 · Apr 21st, 2012 · · ·

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I love the concept; the execution leaves a lot to be desired. The good news is I have a pretty good idea of what went wrong and how I'd fix

I split writing into three parts: Concept, Scenario, and Style.

Concept: Fluttershy propositions Rarity but feels she needs a little help. This is hot stuff. Sometimes I tell authors to try a different story, but you could fix this one up and end up with something very nice.

Scenario (what happens: motivation, mood, events, setting, etc.):
- Fluttershy is OOC and too rapacious
- Rarity is OOC and too much of, well, a penis (so to speak)
- Oh so phallocentric for a story about the two girliest mares of the mane cast. Why no oral? For fucks sake, man it doesn't hurt; it just feels good, full stop. Why wouldn't Rarity shower her partner's vulva with licks and kisses?
- Needs more cuddling. A good sex scene is, like 10% squishy bits, tops.

Style:
Mechanics are pretty good. You have some comma problems, but nothing some grammar discipline won't sort out. Single perspective would be more effective for a story of this length, as it forces you to write character interaction.
- Show, don't tell. Especially: you need to show body-to-body contact

==

Suggestion, head over to Blood is Thicker than Friendship: "In the Right Direction" and start at
“You were right,” Fluttershy whispered, “about what you did that first night. It took me this long to realize that…

This is probably my favorite clop scene - in fact, it manages to take the word "cunt," which I absolutely hate, and make it beautiful.

The most important things to notice are
1 - one pony's perspective (Fluttershy). Switching mid-scene is confusing.
2 - lots of kissing, hugging, petting, and even some talking. Not a lot of genitals.

==

I'm gonna need to call it a night for now (I have a sensual breakfast scene to type up - hehe). More later.

Doxkid

Doxkid #5 · Apr 21st, 2012 · · ·

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-“Deary you don’t need to poison me to get me to like you. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t felt the same way.”-

Fix your dialogue.

Eustatian Wings

Eustatian Wings #6 · Apr 22nd, 2012 · · ·

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477130

This criticism is confusing. It's not clear if you're telling the author to not miss the comma for direct address:

Deary<comma> you don't

Or the confusing dialog attribution: it happens in a Fluttershy paragraph, so it sounds like a Fluttershy line.

Or even something else.

Eustatian Wings

Eustatian Wings #7 · Apr 22nd, 2012 · · ·

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New episode watched. New episode amazing. Now, let's get back to the clop-reviewing and constructive criticism.

The awkward thing with clop is, yes, this is still a show for little girls, and as such, we're not gonna get a whole lot of canon insight into the sexualities of the characters. Fortunately, there are two of the mane six who have revealed a hint of their sexual natures.

See, Rarity is sexually self confident, and

Fluttershy... um, is not nearly as sure of herself.

Watch the body language, too, especially the face and level of the shoulders.

Rarity play-bows, a gesture familiar to dog owners. I don't know if horses do it, too, but there's anecdotal evidence they can at least learn the behavior. Who cares? It's canon. She expresses a bunch of physical affirmation, even though it's not genuine - she has to be confident enough to fake attraction.

Fluttershy shows fear and a hint of aggression: upright body, forced smile, fight or literal flight response. Her words are all about expressing what she wants, but it doesn't look like she thinks she'll get it.

--

So, let's look at what you've got. First, the potion pretty much forces its victim. Characters forcing each other to have sex is violence*, specifically, rape. We have to look at Fluttershy's motivations, then. Does she really care so much for her own physical pleasure that she won't give a shit about one of her closest friend's feelings? Fluttershy?

(*there's a nasty little feminist-vs-antifeminist fight that argues about whether rape is sex or violence. Fuck the argument. It's usually both.)

Seeing as this is your first clopfic, I think you fall into the common trap of thinking your characters can't credibly say "yes" to each other. Sex, if not forced, is an accident. Or something like that. Judging from your title, you want to keep the potion prop. You can.

First, make the potion only "encourage an existing attraction." Put yourself in Fluttershy's mind:
If she really wants to, Rarity will feel comfortable enough to have sex with me. And I know I want to, but I don't want to chicken out, so I should probably take some, too. ... Oh, no. Why isn't this working? I guess... I guess she really isn't interested.

That leaves Rarity. You have the Rule of Clop going for you (there isn't actually a page for this, but it's a combination of the Rules of Sexy, Drama, and Fun): she has sex with Fluttershy, just because. Now we need to find a reasonable motivation.

She's probably straight. At the very least, she has a romantic fantasy of life with some rich stallion. We have to accept that. Yes, and ...

I'm sure I can trust Fluttershy to be discreet, and she's in such a state! What's a little fun between friends? Just... I don't want things to get too serious. If she thinks this will be anything more than some "fun between friends," it'll be better to let her down gently, now.

This suggests the following basic structure to the story:

- Fluttershy is nervous, but finds the courage to spike their drinks.
- As the potion takes effect, she becomes bolder and more forward. Rarity isn't primed to see her flirting as sexual, so she doesn't notice. This frustrates Fluttershy, building to:
- Sexy Fluttershy in socks, high on potion, direct in her speech: "Rarity, I want you to make love to me!" Rarity is shocked, and Fluttershy, who assumes the potion has been working, crestfallen.
- Rarity keeps Fluttershy from leaving. She's not angry, just surprised. So, she doesn't want to fight, flee, or throw Fluttershy out. She wants to understand. They talk.

This is where things get sexy. Talking is sexy, no matter what the average clopficcing idiot says. Rarity gently coaxes out what Fluttershy really wants. Once she's convinced that this will just be a friendly thing, she gets her socks and finds them a comfortable place to cuddle and keep talking.

And I guess I'll pick up there tomorrow.

Yes, I'm telling you how to run your fic. Sorry about that. Please argue with me; it's the only way I can get inside your mind.

RustyBolts

RustyBolts #8 · Apr 24th, 2012 · · ·

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476718 "You've got some comma problems."
Yeah, I wanna slap him in the face with a sock full of 3 week old horse shit left out in the summer sun over his comma problems, sometimes.
But, alas, I am not only his trusty editor, but I am also one who lacks the bandwidth and ability to jump through my computer cables.

Disco Knight