I wanted a computer that could shoot crystals onto the page. Needless to say, I got screwed. Instead, I use my imagination to pull my viewers into a state of total awe.
This second person story reveals the hardship of Troubled Anxiety, as you make his way to his broken soul. "All anyone wants is that your name would never be forgotten. Too many ponies with lost names." This sad retelling of my version of "The Catcher in the Rye", takes into account the hope that blossoms like a phoenix.
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Wait, Equestria has a church!? And God!
m.memegen.com/bzm6qz.jpg
So, in short, this kid had the worst life possible.
Welcome to the world generic OC #5468865
There's a huge problem here with your description. I'll ignore the rather obvious emo connotations of the OC's name and just focus on one part.
If this is a second person story, you need to use the personal pronoun "you" as the reader is supposed to be the character in question. You can't then immediately use the term "his" as this then breaks with the second person narrative. And the idea of then giving this character a name further breaks it.
The story itself is boring as hell. There's no dialogue. There's just the omniscient narrator, who may or may not be yourself, droning on and on about stuff. There's no time to get invested with the character or what he's going through. Bad stuff just happens because of reasons that are never really given.
You'd have been better off writing this in third person or first person if you wanted to make it personal. Second person is a lot trickier to pull off successfully especially if you're still a n00b to writing.
4776440 I suppose you are right. A lot of editing needs to be done to this story to make it more comprehensible. I thank you for these comments, as they really do help me.
4779758
I didn't read your story, but I read your response. Good job on taking the highroad and not complaining about tough criticism. Anyone has the ability to be better, but first they must be willing to admit their faults
Salinger you`re not.
Try writing something... less "tragic". I suggest comedy, because the protagonist here was quite laughable. Well, would be laughable if you did not write in second person. For that specific reason, YOU SUCK. Because for the duration of story, you have insisted I am this... sorry waste of protoplasm. Seriously, don`t do this anymore. Unless your plan is to try and offend as many random fans of MLP as possible.
Troubled Anxiety? Fucking seriously? You sir should be a bloody comedian, 'cause that's the funniest shit I've heard all week.