One charge...one hope. Twilight Sparkle is doomed to jail if Seeker Justice can't win the case. Against impossible odds, the young pegasus attorney will risk it all for the fight of ...well... Justice.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 26th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Tuesday
Matthew DePointe
I wanted a computer that could shoot crystals onto the page. Needless to say, I got screwed. Instead, I use my imagination to pull my viewers into a state of total awe.
Matthew DePointe
Joined 26th Jul, 2014 ·
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So they were packed into his office at that very moment? No? Then they weren't literally swarming him.
In the calendar commonly in use in many parts of our world, "A.D." stands for Anno Domini, or "Year of Our Lord". Since that makes no sense from an Equestrian perspective, what does it stand for here? And is that supposed to read "2014"?
What is this? Google had no idea what I was talking about and only brought me right back here. From the way the word begins, I'm guessing this is a pony pun, but puns should be obvious. Don't make people go looking for anatomy references.
You're switching between past tense and present tense in your narrative, and you really need to watch for that.
Why couldn't he just rent a space in somebody else's building?
Another attempt at a pony pun? Much more obvious than the last one, but also dumb and unnecessary.
There's a difference between the words "scrapping" and "scraping".
I find that difficult to believe.
Spellcheck is your friend, and you should use it.
Why would a law office be visited by health inspectors? Now if they also served food, had a little snack bar on the side to make ends meet, maybe, you could actually turn this into an okay joke.
Um, not actually. I hope he's just exaggerating.
I'm quite certain Applejack would find everything she needed (and then some) for that purpose in Sugarcube Corner. You know, because it's a bakery. Also, way to stereotype the rest of the Mane Six in that paragraph. They do have more than one characteristic each, you know...
You spelled "psychotic" wrong. Also, she exhibits none of the symptoms of psychosis.
Have you considered joining one of the many writer/editor groups on the site and asking for help?
Thank you for the corrections you posted here. I will edit it and update it. I am no stranger to criticism. I guess a few of the puns were corny and not well thought out. I did make up pomebullius, maybe I should research an actual wing bone that could be broken. With the "A.D 014" I was trying to establish that Equestria doesn't have the same timeline as we do. I guess I should just stick to our common year. I will watch my usage of past and present tense more carefully when I'm editing. Sorry for the spelling errors, spell check on this thing is horrible. To tell you the truth, I liked the Pin and Ponic pun. Although it wasn't necessary, it was the only thing I could think of as an alcoholic beverage in this universe. (I could just use apple juice, but that would be considered lazy writing). Seeker Justice was just praising Twilight in the godess reference. You're also right about the health inspection thing. It didn't make any sense, and I need to come up with another angle on it. Lastly, Applejack should just have used the kitchen in the bakery. I clearly wasn't thinking at that time. I thank you again for the honest comments and maybe you can help me edit it.
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I have some other commitments as far as editing goes (and some writing I've had on hold), so I tend to only do "drive-by" efforts like this one... but I can point you towards some groups that can help you.
Authors Helping Authors
Author Support
Looking For Editors
School for New Writers
Struggling Authors
Writers and Reviewers Institute for Technical Excellence (WRITE)
As for the drink, how about just calling it "strong cider"?