Grilled Mormons
*knock knock*
Twilight looked up from the kitchen table. Her coffee was still hot in her hooves. She had a long night trying to perfect a sleep potion for her insomnia. Ironically, it was the very thing that kept her awake that whole night. Needless to say, a knock at her door this early in the morning was not welcomed. She decided to ignore it and hope that whoever it was that they would go away.
*knock knock*
"Hello! Is anybody home?" A wheezy voice exclaimed.
"Yeah, someone's home. The kitchen light’s on," said the voice’s counterpart.
Twilight sighed. She was gonna have to start using the force field spell around her house again. She set her mug down and teleported to the door. She tried to rub the bags out from under her eyes and smooth out the cowlick in her mane. Even if it was 6:30 in the morning, a student of Princess Celestia always needed to look presentable.
She opened the door to a really weird sight. Two tall, young men with white collared shirts and black pants stood in her doorway. They had name tags, bikes, too much gel in their hair, and were holding black, leather cover books. Their smiles gave Twilight an uneasy feeling.
"Hello miss, we are with The Church of Jesus Christ and The Latter Day Saints. If it isn't too much trouble, would you like to hear about the good news?" The one with the orange hair and the name tag reading Elder Brice practically cheered.
"My name is Elder Smith and this is Elder Brice. We have this very excellent book that can teach you how to achieve eternal life." Elder Smith held aloft his book and held it out to Twilight.
She took it with her magic scowling at the young men. She flipped through a couple of pages perplexed because none of it made any sense at all.
"What in the world is this crazy book about? What do you mean good news? I thought that only the princesses were immortal. How in the wide wide world of Equestria could this book..."
Elder Brice cut her off. "We would be happy to explain any and all questions. Do you mind?" Elder Brice motioned inside the house.
Twilight couldn't think of any good reasons as to why she couldn't give these.... whatever they were a chance to explain why they were soliciting her at 6:30 in the morning.
They came in and took seats in the kitchen. Twilight took her mug of coffee and held close as if it were her lifeline. She also noticed that her strange visitors looked tired.
"Would you gentlemen like some coffee?" She asked, levitating the pot over to the table.
"Oh no we don't drink coffee," Elder Brice refused.
This truly bamboozled Twilight because to her, coffee was the greatest thing in the universe. Her being a night owl and such, it was her essential drink through many a long study night.
Twilight looked at the pair with a raised eyebrow as she put it back on the counter and took a seat.
"Here's a pamphlet," Elder Smith said, sliding over one of his Mormon brochures. Twilight started to examine this strange document.
"So," she said as she read their manuscripts, "I came across some pretty crazy stuff like this Jesus guy dying for my sins and his evil brother Satan, and something about a God creating everything. Oh and what's this sin thing? It says that we all have it and we all got it from some guy.
“Wait a minute, if I'm a pony, doesn't that mean I don't get this sin death curse thing? Better yet, what's this whole thing about Indian tribes and cursed dark skinned people?"
"That's just the tip of the iceberg. If you believe, work hard, and have lots of children, you can achieve the the third degree of heaven," Elder Brice said happily, ignoring Twilight’s concerns.
"Yeah, you and your husband can get your own planet and populate it. Like Adam did on earth," Elder Smith added.
"But I don't have a husband. Even if I did, wouldn’t trying that ultimately fail due to inbreeding destroying our gene pool?" Twilight asked.
"God can do anything," Elder Brice, his tone indicating that he was very serious.
Twilight thought for a second that he was bullsh*ting her, but all he did was sit there, staring at her. This was starting to get weird.
"So what about that black skin curse? Doesn’t that seem kinda racist?" She asked.
"Actually, God changed his mind about that. " Elder Smith interjected. “See, what happened was…”
Twilight shook her head in disbelief. "But that doesn't make any sense!!!"
"Well if you would try to have an open mind..."
"No!" Twilight stopped Elder Brice mid-sentence. She went over and picked a book off her library table and came back. It was a thick, ancient book with ruins and a bearded pony with a funny looking hat on the cover of it.
"This is Magical Energy Theory written by Starswirl the Bearded. It goes into detail about the physics and different energy waves behind magic. The author states in chapter five hundred and thirty eight that a single being, either ethereal or physical, that dwells in this reality/universe cannot possess an unlimited amount of manipulative energy as it would break the ninth law of kinetic sorcery.” She opened the book and put it in the faces of the pair. “Science says your book is a load of hooey. I don't know what this God is or why his son is dying but the very concept is bogus and archaic," she said, fuming.
"You know that it's only a theory right," Elder Smith replied, trying to slip past the brick wall of knowledge he didn't understand. "In fact I heard he secretly believed in God and denounced everything he ever said.”
Twilight almost blew a gasket. "That's not true!!! I have studied history. Even if that were true, we have built our entire knowledge about magic, monsters, and every part of natural science around his "theories". Do you even know what a scientific theory is?!" Her voice was growing louder. The Elders badmouthing her hero was just too much.
"But look around you. Everything you see proves he is real. Are you going to "believe that sorcery scientist guy?" Elder Smith chimed in.
"What? Are you joking? What in tartarus kind of argument is that?" Twilight was nearing her limit with these buffoons. Her coffee had not been touched and the lack of caffeine only added to her deteriorating state of patience.
"Well, you just gotta have faith." Elder Brice tried to pat Twilight’s shoulder resoundingly.
She swatted it away. "Faith." Her look of loathing would have burnt throughout the skulls of less thicker men, but these ones seemed resistant. "Get the f*ck out of my house, you morons!" The perfect student of Princess Celestia was gone. Her tolerance was a zero and she didn't care.
The orange haired cretin was desperate. "But miss, we only do what we do because we love you."
"Yeah, and we don't want you to be cast into the Outer Darkness," Elder Smith held out his book. "Please let the divine providence take you!"
They backed up to the door that Twilight was ushering them out of. Infuriated, she started charging a stun spell.
Elder Brice made the mistake of turning around. "If you would only reconsider... BLAH!!"
The purple mare shot him through the window beside the door. He landed hard, near his bike.
"Get out!!!" Twilight started firing at Elder Smith.
He dove behind the door just as three laser beams burned through the door where he was just standing. He crawled military style over to his comrade.
"Are you alright Elder?"
"A couple of cuts and bruises, but the Lord is looking out for me."
"Let's get to the bikes."
The messengers for God ran to their bikes, being careful as to not get hit by the barrage of deadly lasers coming from the screaming unicorn behind the door frame. They rode away as fast as they could. Elder Brice saw a door flying at them.
"Oh dear."
*knock knock*
Princess Celestia was in the dining hall, munching on her delicious waffles when she heard the knock. The regal ruler looked at the door expecting one of the servants to get it.
*knock knock*
"Urgh, do I have to do everything myself?" The princess strode to the door and opened it, revealing two creatures in white collared shirts and black pants. One had his arm in a sling and the other had tape over his eyebrow and swollen lip.
"Hello miss, we are with The Church of Jesus Christ and The Latter Day Saints. If it isn't too much trouble, would you like to hear about the good news?"
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>Shows 19 comments
>None there
4817609 yah funny story about that. I accidentally deleted the entire story trying to edit it and everything sorta disappeared. I done goofed.
And here I thought this was related to that cyndago video.
4817737 I think it says a lot. There obviously are a lot of Mormon bronies who read this and where like "Nope"
4817756 Funny, there's a Mormon advertisement next to this fic. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/eenope.png
4817979 hahaha lol
4817747 I just took a look at that video. Hilarious
Celestia, please don't fall for it... She probably will.
This is highly amusing. And I would just like to say.
Ehyup.
Now a Christians vs Twilight, please
4818174 are you absolutely sure that you want that?
4818184 Yes
4818223 We will see. I obviously would have to make it a sequel so just keep a look out I guess.
This is hilarious, I love it!
Now, I wanna see Celestia go full troll on them.
Suuuuuure. That's why the entire story is about Twilight calling the religion bullshit and it goes out of its way to not give the Mormons a chance to properly explain themselves and actively portrays them as ignorant idiots.
Whatever you say, guy.
4817622 Yeeaeaaaah, sure.
You've gotta be shitting me right now. You do know that Jesus and Satan are not related, right? Satan was an angel before his fall, named Lucifer.
http://www.markbeast.com/satan/history-of-satan.htm
Also, if you have to put a warning up at the top of your story saying that you aren't attacking a religion, you most likely are. On top of that:
Like I said before all of the negative comments on your story mysteriously disappeared by you "accidentally" deleting the story (I'm calling BS on that), you are blatantly showing disrespect for those that follow the Mormon religion.
4819304 do you know anything about the Mormon faith??? Like for reals do your research, read the book of Mormon and actually know what the fuck you are saying before you say it.
I believe you meant no disrespect for Mormons and wanted to poke some fun at the stereotypes
4819304 If your offended then go away. You obviously know nothing about mormons since you don't even know that Jesus and Satan are related (the Christian doctrine and the Mormon doctrine are very different). I don't care if you think I deleted the story on purpose (I didn't). If you can't handle a slightly offensive humor then get off the internet. I could delete and block you right now but I won't. Because I hate censorship. I won't do it to you so stop trying to do it to me.
Actually, missionaries aren't allowed in a home with someone of the opposite sex unless a third male missionary is present.
Actually, a (vocal) minority are anti-caffeine. They don't care specifically about coffee; to some of them, caffeine is a drug, and they advocate purity of body. This is not all of them, and those that do don't hold it against those who don't, or vice versa.
Antiquated, if accurate historically. No modern Mormon believes this. Specifically, the Book of Mormon states that the Lamaanites were cursed with an affliction of the skin; this is, of course, open to interpretation. They interpreted it differently when racism was still a fad.
Well, well, well, somepony did a little research.
Or took the entire learning course from the missionaries. 
Either way, you're a little off. 
There's no "rings" to heaven, but there are three degrees of glory that determine how close you are to God in death depending on how devoted you were in life. The Telestial Kingdom, which is akin to the glory of the stars, is for those who rejected the gospel in life or lived highly un-righteous lives; even the worst in life can be redeemed through Jesus Christ and enter this kingdom. The Terrestrial Kingdom, which is akin to the glory of the moon, is for those who were lackadaisical or half-hearted in their worship in life; even those who don't hear the gospel in life can still be redeemed after death, due to baptisms for the dead, and most of those people are in this degree. The Celestial Kingdom, which is akin to the glory of the sun, is a seat next to God, and is home to only the most devoted worshippers. Even if you didn't hear the gospel in life (since not everyone gets the chance), in death, as long as someone baptizes in your place in life, then you are still able to lead a righteous and spiritual life that brings you to the Celestial Kingdom.
If you die, go to purgatory (I refer to it as Jesus Boot Camp in the Mormon faith, seeing as it's where you become a pure person), and learn the gospel in its entirety, then reject it, you are consigned to what is referred to as Outer Darkness. There is no Hell; after all, God loves you. Why Would He want you to suffer?
Actually, the misconception is getting your own mansion for you and your family. Not sure where the planet mythos originated. Only you and my brother have said it.
Anyway, this is inaccurate. Specifically, the belief is that, if you are a truly devoted and righteous person, then you can become a god yourself. If you want to live in a mansion with all your friends and family, you may. If you want to create your own planet, you may. The question is, would you? If you're a truly devoted and righteous person, I'd imagine that your intentions would be clear. Something about having free will and forsaking it out of love. Like being married. That's how I understand the analogy of becoming a god. It's interpretive. A lot of the Mormon beliefs are. Just like all Christian religions should be.
As painfully human as some Mormon missionaries are, I can't see them trying to weasel out of science. They confirm science. They just believe that God is in what's unproven. They'd probably ask, "Then how was life created?" There's an exhaustive list of generic Christian understanding and questioning that leads to the belief that God is the creator, and the line of reasoning you posited with Elder Smith circumvents all of this. Basically, only an idiot (which these two are not, if their memory retention has anything to say about it) would forget the questions that led them to their current walk of life.
Hell doesn't exist; there is only Tartarus. You gotta come up with more creative expletives than that.
Same here. You can say fuck all you want, it doesn't harm me none, but it's starkly out-of-character in pony fanfiction.
Refer to my earlier statement about Outer Darkness. Hell doesn't exist in Mormon beliefs.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqile383WC1qhe3kp.png
Now this is high-quality Christian dialogue. If only the entire story was accurate to Mormon beliefs and had this campy of God-lover statements.
Also, it's the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Seriously, it's all over the place. Did you google them?
4819840
I actually felt similarly incredulous upon reading his comment.
4819304
Funnily enough, I am, in fact, a baptized and still partially active Mormon. If I didn't work on Sundays, I'd probably still be full Mormon.
His lack of understanding of Mormon beliefs is evidence that he meant no harm; it was a few pushy Bible-thumpers, as it were, trying to get an obviously not interested candidate to listen to them talk about their religion. About the only part that was a total miss is that Mormon missionaries are cautioned against being pushy or zealous in their discussion of God; if the party isn't interested, they don't push.
I don't know who all spoke before me in the 19 comments that I'll never read (though I'd like a screenshot), but I don't like anyone putting words in my mouth. Yes, I am a Mormon. No, I was not offended whatsoever. Anyone who would be offended by this either isn't Mormon or needs to re-read the verses about God being the judge, not them. Yeah, that's a real thing to Mormons: letting God be the judge. I wish non-Mormons would follow the same teachings.
EDIT: Oh, right, and the Jesus-Satan thing. I'll educate you on this one, seeing as I didn't get to in relation to the story.
Specifically, we are all children of God. When God was choosing one of His children to send to earth to spread his teachings, There were two children whom he was choosing between: Lucifer and Jesus.
Lucifer preached that, through devotion to God, one can have glory of self. He also teached that mindless devotion, not devotion via understanding and reasoning, was the proper way to worship.
Jesus preached that, through devotion to God, one can have humility, and all the glory is God's. He also teached that worship through understanding and self-discovery, i.e. free will, is the proper way to worship.
God chose Jesus because Jesus was what God wanted His creation to retain: free will. Lucifer was angry, of course, at being snubbed, and decided to rebel against God, rallying (a very exact amount of) 1/3 of Heaven total to his cause. God decided to strike down the coup, branding the traitor Lucifer as Satan, and sent him and his allies to walk the Terrestrial Kingdom, i.e. Earth, where they now tempt those to sin, whether through the sinful pleasures or otherwise reducing another person's free will. Eat it, zealots.
Also, no, Lucifer/Satan was not in the Old Testament. He was only named in the New Testament; his involvement in the Old Testament is, as usual, up to interpretation.
4820695 wow thanks for the input I tried to do some research before I wrote this. I know I didn't get it all right but I tried. I know many Mormons personally ( I grew up in Colorado) and they are very nice people. Not as pushy and crazy as the ones in my story. I might go back and fix some of those errors but for now I have other projects to work on. Thanks for helping me out there scootareader
4820454
That he did.
4820778
I love knowing!
Sure thing.
heh grilled mormons. jontron ftw!
4820695
You ever read the Book of Job? That entire book is about a "wager" between God and Satan. It is forty-two chapters of Satan basically shitting on God's most loyal follower to test his faith in God. Satan is also mentioned in 1 Chronicles, Psalms, Zechariah, and in Isaiah 14:12, he is mentioned as Lucifer, son of the morning. ALL of these are Old Testament.
4821884
Linky.
Oh, and from the Wiki:
If you look at every usage of the word "Satan," you can easily say "adversity" is what God is addressing--after all, much of the Bible is interpretive.
Your Book of Job reference.
Your 1 Chronicles reference.
Your Psalms reference.
Your Zechariah reference.
Your Isaiah reference.
If you're going to list scriptures and expect me not to look them up, then find someone who doesn't know what they're talking about.
The funny part about all this: Every single one of these scriptures is extremely isolated from every other scripture. In the grand total of the Old Testament, of the 593,493 words contained therein, the word "Satan" appears... six times? I think it's six times. Twice in Job, once in each of your other references. There's 39 books in the Old Testament. That's awfully little to mention the bucking adversary of God.
Anyone trying to make a correlation that Satan exists in the Old Testament is doing what's referred to in the scientific community as jumping to conclusions. 
Unless, of course, you have more references that you didn't mention. I even did the legwork on those ones for you. Lazy researchers.
4822062
4821884
Let's keep it civil. I like you guys/girls a lot. I love how you're both really into theology and stuff and that you both read my stuff. Just not here, alright.
4822089
He's being nice and civil. I'm mildly irritated that he made me look up his references. These are specific scripture references, easy to google for the person who knows about it, not as easy for the person having to look up what they're talking about.
4822190 I just don't want him trying to argue with you over interpretations of scripture. Somethings are just better left alone, especially if it involves religion. (Maybe I should follow my own advise... nah)
Be me.
Read this story.
Think "This is a good story its funny and shows the reactions of people who suffer when religious people come on to strongly. I also know it doesnt happen often and only in radical situations. Even if I was religious I would still find this funny because its a joke"
I wonder whats in the comments. I hope its not a religious debate, because debating on something that was meant to be a joke and not serious at all is stupid.
*Looks in comments*
Fucking really?
4873987
They didn't even reply to me, which was quite disappointing.
For your information, there were two comments total that I replied to, one of whom I clarified I wasn't offended to, the other of whom was misinformed, yet spoke down to me as if I was uneducated.
5064700 1rst thing why reply. I didn't even use the reply feature.
2nd I wrote that entire thing before reading the comments except for of course the last sentence which would've changed depending on what exactly is there. So I wasn't trying to imply you and the other 3.
3rd Meh there was still unnecessary argueing.
5075460
It makes me feel lonely when I talk shit to people and they don't reply to me.
So you hadn't even effectively proven your claim before remarking on it? I consider it serious unless obviously not serious or until I'm told it's not serious.
Was not.
Anyway, I like you, so I'm going to start following you now.
EDIT: Never mind, I'm already following you.
5075487
Well I agree you didn't get butthurt over the story.
I guess a better way of saying it was that I used common stereotypes and previous experiences to realize that there probably was going to be a debate of some kind. So the "Fucking really" would've been the only part I changed. Hoped this help clarify my claim?
Eh and to me it's pointless 'cause I'm atheist. So arguing about a religion I'm not part of or care to be part of is pointless. As my name implies I don't give a fuck. Although I can respect you for trying to teach the bullshit out of people. Cause ignorance on any level is fucking cancer and should be cut out.
5075564
I am a Mormon/Atheist/Pastafarian. Just like most things in life, religion is a joke, and I treat it as such. 
Oh, I'm not a pure-blooded Mormon.
5075564 So my iPod breaks when ever I attempt to edit.
*Edit: thanks for the follow. I mean I pretty much post jack shit, and you'll probably forget about me after today. I guess its the thought that counts
5075579 Well I mean I can legally marry people with an online certificate. So that's a thing. So your an agnostic theist or agnostic atheist.
5075619
If you follow the rules, yeah, you gotta be one or the other.
5076528 Well you said religion is a joke so I just kinda pointed out how rediculous a 17 year old can go marry people. Shit I could go work at Vegas. In and out marriage I'll call it. Well how else are you going to categorize your beliefs in a way that people will understand.
Sad part is... over half of the people missionaries visit act like Twilight had
That was hilarious! its made even more so because at least 80% of everyone I've met in my entire life is Mormon, including my family and extended family. I tried reading the book of Mormon once, I failed horribly. If I'm being completely honest, I don't care about religion at all. I can't prove anything one way or another, so I can't know, so I don't care. I guess I'll find out whatever the heck is going on when I eventually kick the bucket.
Poor guys, they picked all the wrong people to visit.
OMG I love racism, it's the funniest shit ever!!!!
5319560 I have been bullshitted about 5 times by Jehovah Witnesses, twice by Mormons. I do have their version of the bibles, stashed against the Catholic Bible & the KJV Bible.
4817622
Actually its "dun goofed"
7164037 Yeah, my parents found out I don't believe their religion and called the missionaries on me. It was hilarious.
My girlfriend makes an argument for converting that's a lot harder to ignore though.
4818184
Hahaha! Okay, I'll be Frank... Hopefully Frank is a nice guy! Lol jk
K... I will say first and foremost, I am a Mormon and I actually served a mission... Haha! K, these Elders in this story SUCK at their job. Lol. I will say that a lot of things said were stereotypical and funny, but we do NOT talk nor teach like that, and much of the mentioned criteria is not spoken in that way or even seen as true, depending on the subject.
We believe in The Restoration of old and lost truths, the Plan of returning to heaven, the Gospel of the Big JC, and different commandments revealed and restored by God's grace through a prophet.
And the only way to know if all this is true is if you read, study, and pray to God about the BoM (don't say that specific acronym in the airport's. TRUST ME! LOL
). And if you come to know it's true, you'll know that Jesus is the Christ, that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and the Church of Jesus Christ of LDS is God's only true church today.
But of course, you all already knew that... Lol
Now about the story...
Awesomely funny! I got the stereotypes and I've actually had some run-ins with ppl on my mission who acted the way Twilight acted and they ripped me and my fellow companion a bunch of new ones, and tried to fist-rape the new holes. It sucked, but we believed (and I still believe) what I went to show others out in Ohio. It's just a different way of looking at the world and life, and there were times where it was hard to speak a way where EVERYONE understood it.
If there are any complaints to be made about the story, it would be, from my perspective, towards the missionaries, not towards the author or the rest of the story itself.
The Elders in this story were being very rude. Missionaries start proselyting, or religious soliciting, everyday around 10 am, not 6:30 am (they wake up at 6:30; I even had trouble waking up at that time. Lol). Either way, reading the discriptions about these Elders made me want to pull a Deadpool and ring their necks. Lol
Most importantly, they weren't taking into consideration the feelings and beliefs of Twilight and building up on it. Joseph Smith said,
I honestly would've done my best to tell her how I feel about what I know, but I wouldn't have said it like these Elders did. Though I would be upset and heartbroken about her not accepting, I still would see her as a fellow child of God and respect her and her Beliefs. That's all I have to say about that... Lol
If you don't understand what I'm saying:Click here!
But, seriously, great story. I just wanna say that Twilight is wrong about at least one thing...
... I think she hurt Discord's feelings... Lol
Again, my fellow author, I loved the story, you did a great job. I'm just letting you know that, everywhere we go in life, there will be that jerk that will belittle everything that you worked for, like this story for example. I just want to let you know that this wasn't my intention, I just wanted to speak my mind on Missionary Etiquette and few beliefs of my own. Lol. Again, great story
7222430 omg you are a beautiful person. I grew up in colorado and knew a few mormons. Lovely people like yourself. Im glad you enjoyed it. Its ment to be satirise sterio types of agnostis, religous, scientist??, alike. Glad you took it with a grain of salt and had fun.
7222492
See! That's awesome knowing good ppl like that growing up.
Also, honestly, word for the wise: how can wounds heal without purification first, especially from salt? Lol
Also, have a like, favorite, AND follow!
i would read more of this of them going to every pony to twilight frds and random ponies and griffins and more
Honestly, Twilight was too out-of-character. She didn't sound like Twilight, and that ruins it for me. But rework Twilight's lines, and this might be a good amusing short story.
As for the author's note: “I respect all beliefs.” sounds disingenuous. Some beliefs are not worthy of respect. For example, the belief that the number 13 has magic power to cause misfortune. Or for a more extreme example: The belief in chopping off body parts (e.g the Skoptsy religion). Respecting all beliefs is insane, that's why it sounds disingenuous.