• Member Since 7th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 8th, 2015

dbzponyninja


E

After the event of Spyro Year of The Dragon but before Spyro Enter The Dragonfly Spyro, Sparx, Hunter and Bianca all see and portal to Equestria and decide to go through it after that they meet and befriend all six members of The Mane Six and Spike.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 11 )

Since when was Spyro an evil sorceress?

Dragonfly should be one word.

Please break your paragraphs into sentences. It will improve the flow and that goes a long way to making a good story.

Make new lines for dialogue and always capitalize the word I.

Spice up your language. It's not always a good idea to say things like said, spoke, and asked. In fact a good exercise would be to try to completely axe those words (and their relatives) when dealing with dialogue.

Another thing to avoid is using then, anyway, ect at the beginning of paragraphs.

How would anyone in Equestria, even Spike, know that Spyro isn't a jerk?

I'm pretty sure animals in Equestria can walk. What you meant, I believe, is that they are bipedal.

Comment posted by dbzponyninja deleted Aug 4th, 2014

4798959
You said it via improper grammar.

After defeating the evil sorceress Spyro

4798971 I was referring to the evil sorceress from Spyro 3 Year of The Dragon.

4798975
Yes, but with improper grammar, someone without that knowledge would have to assume that the evil person you are talking about is Spyro himself.

Holy shi-

Nope. Sorry. Nada...
I'm gonna nope the fuck out of here.

I couldn't get past the first 2 paragraphs. Like, really? 'Goes through mysterious portal with no regard of what's behind it; what dangers may lie ahead, etc...

Instantly hugged by Pinkie? Seriously? Don't you think they would be a little freaked the fuck out by a portal that random appeared in the middle of town?
Right conveniently to a library to 'read' up on the world? (Extremely poor way to introduce characters, can already tell the signs of Gary-stu.)

Very poor transitioning, and incredibly short chapters. Rushed, extremely bad grammar, and too much 'told him, told her', 'he said, she said'. Characters were introduced way to quickly, and the entire group (Spyro and co.) aren't even surprised on the fact that there are fucking ponies everywhere. Nor are there any reactions of any other ponies. Wouldn't you think the xenophobic ponies would have some sort of reaction of all these different species and stuff randomly appearing through a sketchy portal in the middle of the town?

They would.

Anyhow, this is where I can try and give you a hand:

Here is an example.

After defeating the evil sorceress Spyro, his dragon fly friend Sparx, Hunter the cheetah and his new friend Bianca the rabbit all decided that they needed to take a break and relax for once however as luck would have it the four friends spotted a home world portal that had the words Equestria as well as Ponyville written in parenthesis on it so they decided to jump through it.

Revised slightly:

After defeating the evil sorceress, Spyro, his dragonfly pal Sparx, Hunter the Cheeta, and his new friend Bianca the rabbit all decided that they needed to take a vacation for once. However, as luck would have it, the group of friends spotted a portal that had the words 'Equestria' as well as 'Ponyville' written in parenthesis on it. They considered jumping through the odd portal, and they agreed that if they didn't like it, they could jump back through. After all, it was only a vacation. What better way to spend it exploring a new land?

As is, that's slightly revised from your version. Personally, I would completely re-write the two chapters you have. I hope you don't take this as me attacking you, because, it's not. I'm trying to give you a hand and assist you in writing your story.

The Spyro trilogy was an amazing series of games. But, there isn't a lot of Spyro crossovers. Your story has potential, but you need to know how to write it first.

4799012 I have a spyro story in progress, but its on google docs. I can share with you, if you want. You two, Mister author.

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