Equestria is dead. Using massive weapons of utter destruction, the Caribou have killed all but a handful of ponies, including Princess Twilight. But leaving the Princess of Magic alive was folly. After all, love conquers all. Even death.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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YES! This is amazing
Right as I favourite it a second chapter is out. Not bad.
One thing I didn't comment on in the last chapter is the structure of your chapters. I think it would be better if you made a line break after each paragraph. Doing the indentation is fine, but it will be easier to read if you skip a line instead, or use both.
Also: The story's progressing really fast... One second Twilight is freed, the next she's with a veritable army, decimating an outpost. Furthermore, there wasn't any reaction from CMC + Dinky when she returned the ponies from Death. Yeah, you add that they look scared of Twilight, almost, but it's not quite a reaction to her raising the dead.
Yes... YES! PONIES ARISE, TAKE BACK YOUR HOMELAND! It's time to restore Equestria!
(This... Is... Awesome! )
Nice touch renaming the Gatling, almost as good as the typo in the A/N
they are indeed fun.
It's the little details that make for a better story, like what you did with renaming the Gatling gun, well done and I shall continue to follow this story.
A quality story with quick updates. AWESOME!
4729546
4729575
Wonderful summation of the setting!
4724241
Don't worry, lordofmyth just has a habit of inserting his fanon into every story that doesn't follow it. It's a bit like if people were to go and write under every Spike/Rarity fic that Spike is just a little boy. Only with less justification.
HAHAHAHHAHHAHAH YES BURN !!!!!!!!!!!BURN IN A PIT OF FIREY DEATH!!!!!!!HAHAHHhahahhahahahhahahahahhahah
now enslave there souls to your dark magic's for there will be now mercy in the Necrocracy of equestria.
Poor green grapes mare. I hope Twilight can at least fix her horn, I'm guessing she can considering the transformations she just did to the crusaders and Dinky.
4729596
I was waiting to do major emotional reactions till the third chapter, since it'll be the raising of the Mane Six. They acted quickly to retake Ponyville because it was a zone of such mass execution, and the closest Caribou outpost.
Zombie pony freedom fighters? That is soooo awesome.
4729664
A bit late, honestly. Maybe you could implement a flash-back that shows how they reacted to the first ponies being Raised as a way of comparing it to what happens when she raises the Mane5 (5 instead of 6 cause she's not dead).
4729688
That... is a good idea, actually. Thanks!
Oh yes!!! This is what I like to see!!! Revenge!!! *Evil laugh*
Oh wow. I read the first chapter not too long ago today, read through another story, and then BAM! Another update for this story. That was excellent timing if I say so myself. Nice chapter, and I look forward to the next one.
~ Super-Brony12
Am I the only one who thinks that when you look at the cover image, Twilight looks like a cyclops with an eye infection? Back away and look at her bangs.
Umm... Nope.
Your writing is okay. You could stand to improve, I noticed you were capitalizing species names, which when simply referring to them isn't done. You seem to abuse the ellipses on a few occasions, and overall, it's okay.
However, your premise, and the many plot holes and crap... no. Carribou? Fucking seriously? I just don't buy it. Celestia controls the sun for Christ's sake, she has quite some power. Luna also has quite the reservoir, and the guard, well... depends on the reader/writer. But, this premise is just way too unlikely to occur, and is based on a few pointers that just aren't swallowable. Honestly, I had a hard time reading the text itself after reading your story's description, it was just too unbelievable.
So, your writing seems relatively solid for the most part with room for improvement, but the premise is just too flawed for my tastes. And probably quite a few others, I would hazard a guess. Adios.
what about the other princesses?
4729546 Interesting... I thought I was just making a
stupidclever pun. I never realized that there was such a deep and disturbing well of caribou-related fiction. Hmm... perhaps I can use them in a Roanan the Cimmareian story. That's Equestrian prehistory, so it wouldn't interfere with the FoE shared AU.4729821 Hey, it's his story! Why don't you quit your nit-picking and belly-aching just because he won't mold his concept and story to your head-canon?!
Enough is enough. Just quit it.
And honestly, I'll say the same thing if you came and tried to pick one of my stories to pieces like you are here.
4729818
I'd prefer it if you let me know which premises you don't like.
And I don't like your little jab at the end there. Review, don't troll. Thanks.
A-MAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ZZZIIIIIINNNNGG!! Dude, keep being awesome! I look forward to the next chapter. Question that just came to mind - what did they do with the other princesses? Did I miss something?
4730014
They're keeping them prisoner, of sort. Twilight isn't sure where they are, and retrieving them will be part of the end-plot.
To lordofmyth:
Oh, so you couldn't even wait for me to reply to your comment before you deleted it? Why, how very "brave" of you!
Yes, that was sarcasm, folks. Not real impressed with myth's tactic in doing this. It smacks of cowardice, actually.
4729903
It's a shame he deleted his comment. I really wanted to see what stupid bullshit he spewed this time.
4730155 Yeah, really.
And I wanted to see that, too. Too bad he didn't want to wait til I could answer his BS; er, comment; before he went and deleted it.
Ah, well. If he wanted to take the coward's way out on this, that's on his and fine by me.
4730171
Actually, I deleted him.
He's made comments on all my stories and, honestly, I'm sick of it.
4730181 Ah, okay. That's fine then. I just thought that he didn't have the spine to face me and rather wanted to see what he'd written.
If you wanted to do that, that's fine by me. He probably didn't say anything important, anyway.
And I don't blame you for either of those. I know I'd do the same if he spouted that kind of useless crap on any story of mine.
And I will, actually.
Anyway, I don't know if I've said this before, but this is an excellent story, I'm looking forward to more (the Raising of the Mane 5, and the Caribou finally getting their hides (and their heads, hopefully) hoofed to them), and keep up the rad work!
4729575 That's one way to see it, I guess. I think FoE is a horrific sludge of nightmare fuel, but I'm not spewing bile on the people that do like it, for whatever reason. If they like the setting, then that's their thing.
I just cannot stand the setting, myself.
It is the blatant character degradation, breaking of minds and body mutilation that squicks me out the most.
4730026 Oooooooo! I'm pumped to see what happens :)
i can just imagine all those nasty squelches and gagging breaths the caribou make in their deaths in vivid detail. . . I LOVE IT! finally, a gory story to sate my inner desires. . . i implore you, make more
Oh, this chapter... Beautiful rebellion and revenge!
If you didn't already have my attention, you definitely would now.
4730010
Sorry if you took it as a jab at you, it wasn't though. It was at the whole 'Carribou over-run Equestria' premise. It's something that has cropped up lately, and most of them are poorly written and the premise is barely plausible to disastrous in each of them.
As for the premise, I don't mind the whole Twilight descending into dark magic. I just can't find any plausibility in caribou overrunning Equestria. Thus my jab at the area.
4730409
*nods* Ah, okay. ^___^
That, I can understand. See, for this setting, I'm using a "North Korea" scenario. A totalitarian state with a massive, rather secret armament. The only reason they overran Equestria was through use of tactics and magical weaponry. In a stand up fight, they were losing.
Honestly, they didn't overrun it as much as they annihilated it.
Fucking sweet.
Destruction of barbaric forces such as the Red Army (which these creatures seem to best fit) always gives me joy, and the breaking and twisted healing of Twilight Sparkle's psyche is something I always look forward to.
Bravo.
I always like it when a classical protagonist turns into the anti-hero, someone who sees the end as justifying the means.
I'll be watching this.
4730218
The mutilation and breaking of minds squicks me out as well, to be honest, but the difference is that I can ignore it, especially when it turns out that it isn't ACTUALLY mutilation according to the writer's fanon. The plucking of feathers doesn't break bones, and the horn is essentially a massive fingernail. Though my own fanon does sort of ruin that (especially when I cringe when *Discord* makes Twi's horn dissapear in the show), I tend to try to keep my eyes away from the horns.
The degradation isn't in my fetishes (at least in any major capacity, but I guess i've made a genderflipped version), but I can ignore that as well, for the sheer domination aspect.
I take the squick from the domination and the mindrape and, instead of turning it into a dislike of the setting, I turn it into a dislike of the Caribou. I let my mind see it as evil acts the villains are doing, sorta like the 'kick the dog' trope. Doesn't quite help that one of the characters depicted in FoE is my single massive crush at the moment, to the shameful extent that... In a genderflipped FoE scenario, i'd honestly enjoy being her plaything
So, I guess that I transform things that turn people off the series into my 'rage-fuel' to hate the Caribou with. As do most of the readers, no doubt. It's all about interpretation.
The writing is flawed, but practice helps.
Remember: Spellcheck will not catch all your errors, english is a confusing enough language that not even computers get it right all the time.
As to the story: Eh. Ehhhhh. Eh.
Twilight Sparkle going mad with grief and abusing necromancy is cool. I like it. But I feel like it could have been done differently.
Part of me is confused why so many writers take a setting already rife with so many potential plot devices, and add more.
The whole World War aspect seems to be a bit of a turn off for me. But I live.
Also the core idea is cool enough to keep me reading. No shiny golden star for you though.
4731126 The setting just freaks me out too much to interpret it in any positive way whatsoever. I literally cringe when confronted with "pure" FoE material. It's just not my thing.
I think your view of FoE is interesting, though. I disagree with it, yes, but I appreciate the way you have explained it. A great deal more constructive than the inane "hurr durr you pathetic moralfag herp derp" rant I got last time I mentioned I thought FoE was crap.
4730409
Eh. it's a lot like the anti-conversion bureau stories, a lot of the stories are just short attempts at writing revenge fics against the Fall of Equestria setting. Like most revenge fics, a lot are written to be shallow emotional valves to vent feelings of frustration and anger that the original setting invoked
People react viscerally to the destruction of the shows themes and characters, and decide to vent that by writing fics about it. Whether this one will stand the test of time or peter out remains to be seen, I'd say its got a fairly strong start for stories of this type, or at least it has potential.
Like so many of the anti-TCB fics, the mark of a good story of this type, is to keep the story interesting beyond just shallow revenge and killing of the primary antagonists, well that and avoiding making your protagonists look like monsters in the process (so many ATCB fics fall into that trap). In this story's case, the real test will be the scenes in between the action and battle scenes, whether the characters can be developed and made interesting, or if they are just shallow caricatures that don't do much beyond killing their enemies. Well developed action scenes are important, but you need a good sense of character and story to make those battles have weight and emotion.
Give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me twenty years, I'm unbeatable.
You know since Twilight now knows how to truly control necromancy maybe she should rise the now dead caribou for not only extra bodies (pun intended ) to throw at the enemy but also for experimentation, because you know necromancy (or anything for that matter) requires experimentation to move forward for greater power and maybe giving back their lives completely.....
BUT THATS JUST ME!
♪♫ My little zombie, My little zombie ♪♫
♪♫ I used to wonder what the dead could be
Until It shared it's magic with me ♪♫
♪♫ Big decay
Tons of guts
Tasty hearts
Complete control
Sharing plague ♪♫
♪♫ It's a tricky feat,
and magic makes it all complete ♪♫
♪♫ You have my little zombies
Do you know you're all my very own undead army? ♪♫
Nice chapter. I would have preferred bit slower pacing, and more descriptions, but its pretty good as is.
4731885 I would have to agree.
A- It would enhance the shock and awe value. A terrified and demoralized enemy is an easy enemy.
B- If put into action properly, it could cause mass confusion behind enemy lines allowing fortresses and cities to be taken or liberated with ease.
C- Ambushes a plenty.
D- Infiltration on a massive scale. If she could control say a high ranking general within one of the major founding capitals she in reality could place sleeper agents and destroy the enemy chain of command from within.
Peace- Exodious
4733122 depends on how the magic works.
If intelligence is associated with free will, she may only be able to raise caribu as mere shamblers to further her cause, not thinking undead capable of fooling anybody at closer than long range. Still terrifying, of course.
Could have it develop over time- first shamblers, but as Twilight expands in power and more importantly in skill, she develops ways to create zombie caribue that follow her orders. Cue mounting horror by the caribiu as they first have to face unkillable ponies, then their own shambling dead, then they rise even on the same battlefield. Eventually they have 'wounded' that turn into killers later, until they can't even trust that retreating units aren't undead looking to get close and kill them all. Worse, has the princess figured out how to bypass their current checks?
Terror Terror Terror.
4733488 Hence why I suggested A before the others. Shock and awe may be Twi's best bet in defeating these Caribou since they clearly have the edge in both technology and weaponry. However, as I read through the end of chapter 1 and read through 2, I notice there are a few examples were the reanimated ponies are more than just husks, exhibiting albeit a small amount, of memory and recognition. Now this may be the last thoughts that were running through their minds before they died and it's now all they now, however it could also mean that there is a small chance that their souls have in fact been re-grafted to their bodies. Slim chance, but it's a theory I'm wont rule out just yet.
As you said, it depends on how the magic works.
Twilight the GOOD necromancer ?! I like !
But I hope that they are going to make them suffer more than this. The commander was killed too painlessly considering everything he did.
Also , What about Cadence , Shining and the Crystal Empire ? They aren't technically a part of Equestria so...