Its Twilight's birthday and she is going to Sweet Apple Acres to celebrate it with her friends. After the party she walks home. On her way back to her humble home she sees a young colt crying while sitting up against a tree. Twilight, being the one to not meddle with strangers, keeps walking. But a sudden feeling inside her tells her to talk to that boy and help him. Little did she know, he would change her life forever.
*Quick note: This is my first fanfic i have ever published to show anybody. Please go easy on me. And there are many main characters in the story but this website only lets me select 5.*
Chapters (7)
Haven't read the story yet, but your description alone irked me. Twilight Sparkle ABSOLUTELY would stop and talk to somepony who is crying.
And now that I've read it, I have to say that it's very rushed and badly-constructed. Take some more time to flesh out ideas properly, and you really need to work on your descriptions and dialogue.
For example (descriptions):
You and I probably have very different ideas about what constitutes a "nice t-shirt". Describe it to me, tell me why it's nice.
And (dialogue):
Clunky and awkward. Would read better as, "You guys are the best friends a girl could have," or similar.
Good night!
First of all, i have to say, nice try.
The idea is fine to me but (as a experience) the story itself is so short it needed this chilli of trying to make us eat it. If you know what i mean.
Maybe you were just bored or too lazy to do this (i know the feeling) but you should do better.
I'm doing this on cellphone, so i apologize if i reek of the chilli.
Hi, fellow writer! After reading your authors note, and seeing your status as far as likes goes, I became curious to read the beginning of your story.
Contrary to the other seven people who rated your story, I enjoyed the chapter you wrote. It was short, sweet, and to the point.
I am also fairly knew to this website, and am currently working on my first fan fiction. I remember feeling nervous as I posted the first chapter, afraid of the judgments to come. My mind was blown as my views skyrocketed and my likes went up. But, to handle it as gently as I can, I see you're not having as much success as me...
Listen. I'm a proud person, and if I was in your shoes, I'd be hurt, and maybe even stop writing altogether. PLEASE DON'T STOP WRITING! I am eager to hear more of your story, and see where you take it. But maybe some small changes can help you out.
Take time for detail. You are rushing the story a bit. I did that a lot. I found setting a comfortable word minimum for myself helped. For me, I make myself build the chapter to at least 2,000 words. That keeps me from rushing it and helps me flesh out the flat parts.
I love your story. It looks like a cute idea. I'm sure it will be great once it's done!
4667739
Quite fond of Jordan Belfort I see.
Not too shabby, seeing as how this is your first work. Tips: make sure you have details, descriptions and such. Make sure to include correct punctuation, while I didn't see errors there too much, they did appear. Other than that, keep it up!
If you enjoy something don't stop doing it.
Your idea is solid. It really is, but I would be lying to you if I said you don't need some help. Find someone to go over the idea with. communicate back and forth, take suggestions, think about what you would be comfortable with cutting out, adding in, and working around.
For example, I love the idea of the kid being withdrawn. Play on that a little. He's seen a horrific and traumatic event. He's not going to be very talkative. Also, since it recently happen he's going to be in shock. So we have Twilight find him, while he's in shock, and he's mostly unresponsive.
Being the caring, and sweet, mare that she is Twilight can't leave him there, so she decides to take him to the hospital. Once there the doctors check him over to find that there's not much really physically wrong with him.
(Here's where we could reach for the suspension of disbelief)
Since Twilight is a Princess (If you want her to be one in your story) the doctors explain that the hospital is somewhat full already. (You could say that there's been an unusual number of accidents involving Pegasi). They ask if she would mind taking the boy with her. After all she is royalty, and surely she would have a place to put him.
She takes him home, and he still doesn't talk, but instead of being distant he's clinging to her. On the other end of the spectrum we see his brother who has been informed about their family farm going up in smoke, and the death of his parents. Without being notified about the death of his younger brother he leaves to go find him.
From this event we stage their meeting.
It's a suggestion, and I don't mean any disrespect. I just want to give a little help to a fellow author.
I like the story, the only things I'm going to criticise are:
- Grammatical errors,
- Jumpiness
To fix both of these all you need to do is reread the story about 2 hours after you've finished writing it.
It seems loke a chore, but it improves most people's writing by about 25%.
~~Flutter-Shy~~
P.S. Keep up the story, pretty please?
i like it and please keep up with this story
NO PLEASE DON'T STOP!! It wasn't a waste of my time! Please, I know it can be hard, but please don't stop. If you need help, just ask.
And don't say you weren't meant to be a writer!!
I know you are. I may not know you, but I just feel like you were meant to be here. And I want you to know that.
Don't look at the likes. They don't mean we don't like it. They mean we want to help. If you let us.
Please. Please don't stop. Please don't give up.
Please?
4667739
Laughed way harder than I should have at that.
Don't stop writing this, all you need is a little help in writing this, and a little lesson on making it flow. Just talk to me if you want, I can help you if you want, many of us here will, just don't discourage yourself.
Aww, Silver likes Dinky. That is adorable!
Dash and Equinox, hmm. Very interesting.
I can't wait to see what happens next!
Dinky and Silver sitting in a tree,
K-i-s-s-i-n-g
(I hope im not being to childish but awwwwww!!!!!!!!!)
I wonder how its going for Equinox and Rainbow
Great chapter man. Really liked the slight feels too.
Wonderful! Oh, the feels are just perfect.
I'm glad Silver has talked to Twilight and they settled everything. Mommy Twilight is an adorable thought!