• Member Since 5th Mar, 2014
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Dream Seeker


Well, I just figured out how to do a short bio! So, yeah.

T
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Discord just can't take it any longer. He can't help it, he was born chaotic. No amount of reforming could change that. He decides it is time to take back the land.

Inspiration came from the song Entropy by AwkwardMarina

I'm officially cancelling this story. I can no longer agree with the message it was originally sending, and do not have the time or desire to alter it into something that I could finish.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 35 )

The actual writing wasn't bad, but everything happened way too fast for me. This easily could have been a 100k word epic. Give us more to work with—don't just tell us what we should be feeling and why.

Make us feel, don't tell us. Build up Discord's characterization so that we can see his coup and then his eventual fall. Show us his heartbreak at Fluttershy's funeral. Elaborate on his time spent on the moon. How did he have the sudden epiphany that he did? Why? When?

Don't rush through everything. Take your time with it. I promise you that the story would be much better off for it.

4614097 The thought that this could be a 100k epic did cross my mind... You're right, I need to work on pacing. I'll probably start turning this into one, actually. I'll work on it.

4614151 I'll keep my eye on this then. You've got a lot of potential here, and I want to see where you take it.

4614185 I keep getting ideas that could be used for Epic stories, but I just don't have the pacing down yet.

4614302 I had the same problem, and this is what ended up working for me:

Don't just have things happen because "the plot demands it." Get from point A to point B logically without jumping from place to place. For example, how did Discord come to power? Where were Celestia and Luna? Why did he want to come to power in the first place? Why weren't the elements of harmony able to stop him?

Just keep asking yourself questions. Once you run out of questions to ask, then you're good to start writing.

If you want a cool method for outlining, I would totally recommend The Snowflake Method. It's time consuming, yes, but it works.

4629149 I'm taking a week-long vacation, but I should be able to post a chapter a few days after I come back.

4629540 this comment would be more appropriate for next chapter, which is going to be called Murder.

I will say, you almost had someone who liked this story despite the fact the premise was something I didn't like. I decided to give it a chance and read through it. Everything was handled well, Discord's re-transition to being all about chaos, his "negation" of the Elements (though I AM iffy about how he reacted to perfectly understandable reactions to him turning heel again, but I'll get to that in a second). Everything, was handled well, until...

"WE WANT DISCORD! WE WANT DISCORD! LONG LIVE KING DISCORD! LONG LIVE KING DISCORD! DOWN WITH THE DIARCHY!"
Celestia and Luna's jaw dropped. In just one day of performing kind acts, ponies already wanted him to be ruler?... What did that say about life under the Diarchy's rule?

It's because of things like this is why I didn't like Discord. He's overrated in my opinion, and no amount of rhetoric about how all the other villains in the show suck or how racist the ponies are will change my mind. His show self was overrated even before he gained a "sympathetic excuse". I could go on for a few minutes on my opinion on that, but I'm only going to talk about the story.

Dude, you blew it with those simple lines. To me, at least, this, and the part where Discord is somehow not at fault for turning heel again because the ponies apparently didn't trust him (like it's so hard to figure out why, just rewatch Season 2), is why I ultimately didn't like it. It stunk too much of fanboy rhetoric against the ponies. Harmony doesn't work by snuffing out the other side. Harmony is defined by chaos and order working as one. It took a while to get to that point since the personification of chaos wasn't exactly that friendly (two words: Season Two), no matter what any of us external observers say. So after one day of saving ponies, suddenly everyone thinks Celestia and Luna are tyrants and Discord is the hero they deserve...after...1,000 years...of history telling them that Discord was once a tyrant? I firmly stand by that--Discord, in the show's past, was an unholy tyrant. At least the "Hell hath frozen over" tangent afterward was justified...because it's entirely accurate. Hell WOULD freeze over if this ever happened because it's so illogical.

I know exactly what you're going to fire back with: "Discord is illogical so he can just get crowds on his side that easily". Just because chaos doesn't have to make sense doesn't excuse lapses in logic on a writing level. And I feel that the quoted exchange is a lapse in logic.

tl;dr: Ultimately, I just couldn't like this. Sorry.

EDIT: I should say most of my issues really stem from the third chapter, the extra one you put here. You managed to handle a "I can't help it"-Discord without falling into some of the other trappings out there--namely, the fact he still cares for the ponies deep down, the ones who tried to help him, instead of having him go "Screw it, I'm evil, let me be evil, you ponies are worse than me for trying to change me."

But then you fell into a different trapping. See the above quote. And...I'm just going to say it now. Yes, the Princesses hardly do anything in the show. Like useless authority figures aren't present in other fictional media (especially those with Lauren Faust's involvement--Foster's had Mr. Herriman and Madame Foster, who didn't get to accomplish that much, and of course the Powerpuff Girls series has the Mayor, who is completely useless except for his dialing finger and actually DID go tyrant at one point). I'm just trying to ward off that particular "Talking point" before it starts.

4629611 I'm sorry it wasn't clear, I'll try to make it clearer...

Chapter 3 was some break-time alternate ending that shouldn't be taken seriously. It was a joke chapter, a "bonus alternate ending" that never would have happened. This entire story was something I just felt like writing, and I felt like writing a funny joke chapter when I wrote chapter 3. To rephrase, chapter 3 is not part of the actual storyline.

4629780

So Discord using his powers for good--a good concept--a concept that I think would be good if done right--wasn't written seriously. Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.

The rest of the fic was handled well. Is this "Murder" chapter another extra chapter that is just done for laughs too? Just wondering.

4629844 Nope. In the end, Discord will be good, a murder will occur that is necessary for his development.

On the subject Discord being good, and how that could be done well... The idea of life-affirming chaos came from another person's story, I credited him and the story in chapter 3. It really is a good story, and it's not finished yet, but Discord (the completely crazy, not even attempted to be reformed version), or at least a part of him, is being reformed by being taught life-affirming chaos. The story isn't focused absolutely on that, but the point is that I can't write about two conflicting plot lines in the same story. I had to choose good Discord or evil Discord, at least for the start. I know full well that if done right, life-affirming chaos would be really awesome.

Oops, my responses were switched... My top response goes with murder chapter, the other with Discord's reformation.

4629927

Okay, okay. Guess I completely misfired there. I've just seen too many fics that wind up giving Discord way too much praise and the like. I've just become desensitized to the whole genre in general. I had a knee-jerk reaction. I've said more than my piece here.

So if everything pans out, I will take back what I said. Admittedly I did get carried away.

4629933 misunderstandings happen. Still, you did help overall. I've learned quite a bit out if this whole thing, for example that joke chapters need to be very clear that it's a joke chapter... Also, everybody has different opinions, and a single sentence can be read in a thousand ways.

4614338 You should really read the chapter I just posted. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I feel I have gotten a lot better at adding description to lengthen the chapter.

JUST Tartarus?

Ok who wants to help me with something torturous I learned from another story?

4671193 You know the cage that Tirek stayed in? Well, these ponies are stuck in the lava-filled crack in the ground surrounding it... With immortality...

4671218 no this is worse much worse

4671519 I'm interested... What is it?

4671553 well, the only problem is it's dangerous. What if they were to get free, by a chance earthquake or so? Then you have an army of rapid-healing, immortal, pissed-off Nobleponies. Also, they wouldn't be able to hurt the nobles at all times, so there would have to be a break. Otherwise?

Scary.

4672291 I'm not done, they THEN give them to to all the mad fans of this story

4674168 :rainbowderp: now that's scary...

4675937 well I am a fan and I think cupcakes and rainbow factory is awesome and I read a lot of dark things

4675967 I don't even want to know what you'd do to them... How you'd torture their immortal bodies... *shudder*

4676250 *gets an evil grin* I really don't think you want to know

4614338 Heh... Looking back on this once again, I still don't have the pacing down. This will probably be a mere 10k words when I'm done. Speaking of which, next chapter is nearly done, but I've just been having writers block.

note if you redo the story it will take twice as long. just saying:pinkiehappy:

7613762 I know :fluttercry: I just don't know what to do. The original was fine on its own, but then I tried to fix its pacing problems into the story it deserved to be, and then it just... flopped. I'm sorry. :fluttershyouch:

7615368 it's OK I'm just saying it's twice as long other ideas have to be put on hold.

7615586 I'm probably just going to finish it, add back in the original version at the end for those who wanted to read it, and wait until I really feel engaged enough to do a full rewrite.

7616093 if it works for you it works for me i just really want to see where this story goes.

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